Wise Counsel, Please

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Redeemed_87

Guest
#1
#1
During courtship I observed behavior that I perceived to be flirtatious, lustful & untrustworthy. Once Married, he shared that he was simply trying to impress me & I misunderstood his actions. However, 4 years into our Marriage I am still seeing the same behavior & have found random female numbers, learned of him giving his number to a female for purposes of pointing her to Christ (as was his explanation once she called late one night & did not even know of me, his Wife), deal with his wandering eyes, discovered his search for pornography or twerk videos & stumbled across a photo of the Wife of a fellow brother in Christ & female associate of mine from the past stored in the history log of his ipad. All matters listed has happened occasionally & for the most part my Husband is a devoted Man after God's own Heart. Yet, I find myself unable to Forgive, extremely Hurt & battling thoughts of regret for desiring Marriage & accepting his Proposal. We have a Son & expect another by 3/15/17. I try to focus on the Joys of Motherhood & all the good he does do for us as the Provider but this Heartache, Disappointment is a great burden on me. These experiences as a Married Woman now feed the Insecurities that started from being in the World & of it dating & fornicating with the wrong men. I desire Healing, this is truly a hindrance in my Spiritual Growth.
 
Demi777

Demi777

Senior Member
#2
Oct 13, 2014
6,877
1,949
113
Germany
#2
Praying for you sister. God bless you Im sorry
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#3
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#3
You need to seek Christian counseling.

There are many red flags here. Go to counseling alone if your hubby won't go with you.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#4
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#4
If you knew his behavior BEFORE marriage was untrustworthy, then why were you foolish enough to marry him anyway? That should have sent up red flags that he wasn't a person to be trusted. :/ Once a cheater, always a cheater. And now you and your kids are paying the price.. I think you both need professional help with these issues.
 
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Redeemed_87

Guest
#5
#5
How are you, Sister?

I NEVER once stated that my Husband cheated on me nor did I KNOW anything for certain prior to Marrying him but I PERCEIVED as I did state that his behavior was all I listed. However, I also battled Insecurities from living in Sin prior to accepting Salvation so I considered perhaps things are not as I PERCEIVE them to be but my own personal issues as I did state so also. So, I said "Yes".

I also must respectfully disagree with you that once anyone does something, he or she will forever do so or remain as he or she once was ("once a cheater always a cheater"). Our Saviour is a God of Redemption & as His Holy word teaches: all who accept Salvation are now the New Creation & the old has passed away. Thanx anyway for your reply, God Bless you Sister & may we as followers of Christ do everything in His Love.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#6
#6
Redeemed_87 said:
During courtship I observed behavior that I perceived to be flirtatious, lustful & untrustworthy. Once Married, he shared that he was simply trying to impress me & I misunderstood his actions. However, 4 years into our Marriage I am still seeing the same behavior & have found random female numbers, learned of him giving his number to a female for purposes of pointing her to Christ (as was his explanation once she called late one night & did not even know of me, his Wife), deal with his wandering eyes, discovered his search for pornography or twerk videos & stumbled across a photo of the Wife of a fellow brother in Christ & female associate of mine from the past stored in the history log of his ipad. All matters listed has happened occasionally & for the most part my Husband is a devoted Man after God's own Heart. Yet, I find myself unable to Forgive, extremely Hurt & battling thoughts of regret for desiring Marriage & accepting his Proposal. We have a Son & expect another by 3/15/17. I try to focus on the Joys of Motherhood & all the good he does do for us as the Provider but this Heartache, Disappointment is a great burden on me. These experiences as a Married Woman now feed the Insecurities that started from being in the World & of it dating & fornicating with the wrong men. I desire Healing, this is truly a hindrance in my Spiritual Growth.
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This is kind of like starting a conversation asking for counsel a moment before jumping out of a plane with a parachute.

You're going to jump out of a plane!!! (aka have a baby at any moment.)

I'd be more concentrated on that part right now then the rest of what's going on. That baby is coming no matter what. For all I know the first contraction started right after you hit "Post." This is your second child, so you absolutely have a notion as to what is about to happen, and yet it can be completely different than last time (minus the "it's really going to hurt" part.)

Is this really the best time to resolve marital issues? Not like you can do a thing about any suggestions anyone is going to make to you for a good few weeks/months/possibly years.

So, have the baby. Enjoy the baby. Crave sleep for weeks at a time (if not months.) You know what is about to happen.

The rest of this really can be put on hold, and has to be. What good does this do you when you're just about to have that same miracle of life happen again to you?

There is nothing any of us can say or suggest that you will have time to do in the next half year or more, so why ask now? Enjoy your children. They are yours to enjoy (and sigh over, and get aggravated with because eight hours of sleep beats two hours of sleep any day of the week. lol)
 
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Depleted

Guest
#7
#7
santuzza said:
You need to seek Christian counseling.

There are many red flags here. Go to counseling alone if your hubby won't go with you.
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With a newborn in tow?
 
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Depleted

Guest
#8
#8
blue_ladybug said:
If you knew his behavior BEFORE marriage was untrustworthy, then why were you foolish enough to marry him anyway? That should have sent up red flags that he wasn't a person to be trusted. :/ Once a cheater, always a cheater. And now you and your kids are paying the price.. I think you both need professional help with these issues.
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You could use some counseling too given she never said he cheated on her, and yet you assume the husband always does. It speaks volumes on what you think of men.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#9
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
112
0
#9
Redeemed_87 said:
During courtship I observed behavior that I perceived to be flirtatious, lustful & untrustworthy. Once Married, he shared that he was simply trying to impress me & I misunderstood his actions. However, 4 years into our Marriage I am still seeing the same behavior & have found random female numbers, learned of him giving his number to a female for purposes of pointing her to Christ (as was his explanation once she called late one night & did not even know of me, his Wife), deal with his wandering eyes, discovered his search for pornography or twerk videos & stumbled across a photo of the Wife of a fellow brother in Christ & female associate of mine from the past stored in the history log of his ipad. All matters listed has happened occasionally & for the most part my Husband is a devoted Man after God's own Heart. Yet, I find myself unable to Forgive, extremely Hurt & battling thoughts of regret for desiring Marriage & accepting his Proposal. We have a Son & expect another by 3/15/17. I try to focus on the Joys of Motherhood & all the good he does do for us as the Provider but this Heartache, Disappointment is a great burden on me. These experiences as a Married Woman now feed the Insecurities that started from being in the World & of it dating & fornicating with the wrong men. I desire Healing, this is truly a hindrance in my Spiritual Growth.
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Unprocessed pain leads to anger anxiety and depression. Get a counselor....learn to be assertive and process your pain or before you know it you'll have a lifetime full of it and those three ugly things that always follow it.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#10
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#10
Let's see, he has other women's numbers, watches porn and twerk videos to get his jollies off. It is only my opinion, but viewing porn for the purpose of getting sexual gratification IS cheating, just as much as if he actually slept around on her..And LOL @ me needing counseling.. :rolleyes:


Depleted said:
You could use some counseling too given she never said he cheated on her, and yet you assume the husband always does. It speaks volumes on what you think of men.
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Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#11
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
112
0
#11
blue_ladybug said:
Let's see, he has other women's numbers, watches porn and twerk videos to get his jollies off. It is only my opinion, but viewing porn for the purpose of getting sexual gratification IS cheating, just as much as if he actually slept around on her..And LOL @ me needing counseling.. :rolleyes:
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It's okay Blue. She hates me too. :)
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#14
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#14
This site doesn't revolve around anyone. And nothing here is about me, or you, or Sirk or anyone else.. But getting back to the OP, I do hope that hubby comes to his senses, and gets rid of the phone numbers and videos and starts acting like a faithful man of God again.. :)


Depleted said:
It's okay, both of you. This site revolves around you! Everything is always about you.
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Redeemed_87

Guest
#15
#15
blue_ladybug said:
This site doesn't revolve around anyone. And nothing here is about me, or you, or Sirk or anyone else.. But getting back to the OP, I do hope that hubby comes to his senses, and gets rid of the phone numbers and videos and starts acting like a faithful man of God again.. :)
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As I stated, Sister those matters were occasional & not my daily reality. This Flesh is awful; your Flesh, his Flesh & my Flesh. All of us who have Relationship with Christ simply need to Repent when we fall short, turning back to the only One who is Faithful... JESUS CHRIST. My Husband does so each & everytime & continues to fight the good fight. I need Healing, I must be willing to Forgive longer than 10 minutes lol & fight against the Hindrances of hell to take my focus off of Christ & growing in Him. For I will be held accountable for my own Actions when I stand before God one day. That is the sole purpose of my choice to share here on what I believed to be a chat room full of genuine Christians operating in the Love of God willing to advise me according to His Holy word. If you are unable to do so, I'm willing to Pray you. ❤
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#16
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
112
0
#16
Depleted said:
It's okay, both of you. This site revolves around you! Everything is always about you.
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Well of course it does....it does and is because you say it does and is. Thank you for recognizing how stellar and important me and Blue are. I don't know what to do with all these warm fuzzies and all this mad respect you've shown me.
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#18
#18
Personally I think you may be emotional and over reacting.

Pregnacy hormones always made me exaggerate small problems to nuclear meltdowns that required hours of hot tub and ice cream therapy.

Marriage is built on trust and love and loyalty.

I don't mind if My husband has numbers of women in his phone if I know and trust the women. If I know that the women have a crush on him and he flirts with them, I would say something. Otherwise I would trust my husband because he trusts me.

However, you mentioned that your own past may be coloring your view of your husband. So maybe therapy might be a good idea.
.definitely would pray and ask God what to do.

You mentioned he is a good provider and loves you.those are two things I wouldn't toss away just because you are feeling insecure.

Being 2 or 3 times bigger than you normally are makes most women feel insecure.

It's normal to feel that way. However most husband's love their wives and how they look carrying their baby. It must be a guy thing. Though everyone can notice the happy mommy baby glow.
 
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Redeemed_87

Guest
#19
#19
Ariel82 said:
Personally I think you may be emotional and over reacting.

Pregnacy hormones always made me exaggerate small problems to nuclear meltdowns that required hours of hot tub and ice cream therapy.

Marriage is built on trust and love and loyalty.

I don't mind if My husband has numbers of women in his phone if I know and trust the women. If I know that the women have a crush on him and he flirts with them, I would say something. Otherwise I would trust my husband because he trusts me.

However, you mentioned that your own past may be coloring your view of your husband. So maybe therapy might be a good idea.
.definitely would pray and ask God what to do.

You mentioned he is a good provider and loves you.those are two things I wouldn't toss away just because you are feeling insecure.

Being 2 or 3 times bigger than you normally are makes most women feel insecure.

It's normal to feel that way. However most husband's love their wives and how they look carrying their baby. It must be a guy thing. Though everyone can notice the happy mommy baby glow.
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Emotional? Indeed lol Pregnancy Hormones certainly cause much of that. However, I would have to disagree about over reacting as I have only stated Facts & do not insist on Divorcing.

Yes, I did enter this Marriage with Insecurities but I'm Blessed to not be one of those females who blow up when Pregnant. I actually look great & hear so everyday from my Husband & Strangers. So these two are not hand in hand in my case.

I also agree, that him being in Love with me & his excellence as the Provider is not what I should disregard & Counseling for us both might be helpful.

Oh & I wish that I knew the Women whose numbers were found on loose paper on 3 occasions but I did not & that is where the issue begun.

Thank you for your response.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#20
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#20
I wouldn't worry about it... Just because a man gets married, doesn't mean he loses all desires.. As long as he just looks, but doesn't touch, its not worth getting all upset over nothing.
 
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