Young Wife struggling w/ lack of intimacy from husband

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tiger903

New member
Mar 30, 2019
2
0
1
#1
Hello there....

I am just new to the forum but I really have been struggling with this and I feel so alone in this struggle....
I will try to keep this as fairly short as possible but it may be a little long. To start off, my husband and I have been married for about two years now. Before being married we had dated for 3 yrs. almost 4. My husband and I are fairly young we are both in our mid 20's and have no kids. We both work long hours and have tough commutes and jobs. I spend nearly 3.5 hours on average everyday commuting and my schedule is pretty much like 7AM - 8PM. I am not complaining at all though! God gives me patience and strength to preserve through this and I am doing what I love in my career. My husband says his work is very demanding too and he is constantly running around all day taking car of customers his schedule pretty much looks like 5:30 AM- 6PM.

I say that to give some context on what is going on but now I will explain the part that is literally so gut wrenching and painful.... the lack of desire and intimacy.....

When my husband and I were dating we had a lot of passion, we loved to be together, we may have at times been too physical but we saved sex for our wedding night. But the point is he could barely keep his hands off of me.... he loved to kiss, cuddle and hold me. He always wanted to kiss me and pursue me, he would tell all the time how he could barely even sleep because he was thinking about me and how much he wanted to be with me. We knew early on that we wanted to get married and when we became engaged and closer to our wedding day he would say things like how he couldn't wait til we got married and how much sex we would have like everyday.... you get the point it actually seemed like he genuinely desired and wanted me.

Flash forward to once we got married.... our wedding night was amazing and then things.... just seemed to change.... I can't recall for sure but we did have sex a couple times for our little get away (we did not actually have a honey moon until last year) and that was all good but once we got back home things were off. We were also planning to move so we were temporarily staying with my parents for like a week or something before driving out to the west coast. I would iniate sex and try to be intimate but he literally just straight up rejected me only after a few days of being married.... He said something like... we don't always have to have sex all the time, sometimes its just nice to cuddle... and continually said so. That first initial rejection absolutely crushed my heart but I tried to understand and maybe he wasn't comfortable having sex since we were living with my family at the time.... so I brushed that off. It really hurt though because I wanted to be intimate and close to him we HAD JUST GOT MARRIED and he was already turning me down, it just really hurt.

So once we moved to the west coast we were temporarily staying with his family but we had a much bigger room and more private space. I thought that he wouldn't keep rejecting me but.... lo and behold he did and would use the same excuse that he "likes variety" and likes to cuddle. or that he was too tired..... he basically like just stopped iniating sex with me and it was always me trying to be intimate with him. Most times he would respond but a lot of times he would reject me which ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED me and my self esteem. I was beginning to think I wasn't attractive enough to him anymore or that he didn't like me. When I confronted him about it he would say that he loves me very much and finds me very attractive but he doesn't want to have sex all the time... so months of this pattern went by.... He was getting better about not rejecting my advances but he still really did not iniate with me and would basically just seem disinterested in sex in general. Like it was on the back burner for him and not a priority. Even when we got our own apartment things were basically the same way. At this time his job was not even as demanding as it is now so his tired excuse seems like it doesn't hold up....

In the present.... things are better but still... he shows a lack of interest in intimacy and sex. He tells me he is just so tired and he can't sleep well but he loves me and finds me very attractive and I totally get he's tired and understand but he literally treats sex like a chore and it completely crushes my soul. We have even went to counseling because things were getting so bad with his attitude toward this and I was getting so sad, angry, and upset over the past years with our intimacy it was causing a huge rift in our marriage. It also really is actually a gut wrenching feeling when I lie down next to him every night and I feel so unwanted and undesired by him. I have cried my self to sleep many many many times. And I know that I am a beautiful girl but feeling unwanted by your husband really makes you question everything. The pain is so severe to me sometimes my heart feels so heavy and sad. I pray through this as best as I can but I don't know why I am going through this and what I did wrong..... All I really want is just to feel wanted and desired intimately by him.

We do have sex but I stepped back from iniating and let him lead things in the bedroom but it just falls flat.... if he had his way he only approaches me about 1-2 times a week (which may seem fine or like a lot for some people) but to me we have talked about at least 3-4 times a weeks and I mean we are still young and even just newly married. It just seems like he is disinterested in it... the last thing we do after everything else is done around the house is have sex.... it is consistently the last thing on his mind. Its like there is an alarm clock in his head to only be intimate after we lay down for bed. Not like right after work or mid day on weekend.... On the days when he does not want to be intimate he still "tries" for my sake which I appreciate but it is so obvious that he doesn't want to. He sighs..... his eyes are closed as he is dosing off..... he basically is forcing himself to stay awake and and that point I am not turned on at all so what is even the point we end up going to sleep because I know he doesn't want me in that moment.... And really that's what is so extremely hurtful to me is just the not feeling wanted or desired. I mean if he just showed he was interested in me or desired me I don't think we would have these issues.

Another thing is that even when we have sex the majority of the time I feel like I am doing majority of pleasing to him which I love to do but its the same thing every night. I turn him on really good and pleasure him but when it comes to me it falls flat.... He either doesn't touch me at all or barely touches me for two seconds and wants just jump into sex. He doesn't do certain things which I do for him... Like he doesn't reciprocate it and nor does it seems like he has a desire to please just me. He just said and done all these hurtful things leaves me crying all night..... and like truthfully doesn't care... doesn't show barely any interest or desire in sex and I am left wondering why..... He says its because he is really tired but even back when we got married he always had an excuse.... so the tired thing was not always an issue. He has gotten upset at me multiple times for buying lingerie because "we don't have money" or a "waste of money" even though we have enough to buy a few outfits... its' just ridiculous. He says he likes the outfits but doesn't want to spend the money... And I love to buy lingerie it makes me feel sexy and desirable but even that is not good enough for him I guess.... even though he has apologized for this its stlll like.... cmon I thought guys loved when their girl wear lingerie and loved to have sex...

I asked him to be honest with me and tell me the truth and last night he said the same freakin thing that he always says "Likes variety and likes to cuddle" Or is just too tired... I feel absolutely so sad and alone. My heart is just broken, and I am tried of feeling worthless by this. I pray for God to comfort me and show me what he wants to teach me in this time but I just can't see it.... My self esteem feels destroyed. My heart is literally broken and I feel so alone and rejected. I am so tired of the horrendous cycle and feeling so bad. Even after the counseling things were getting a lot better but once it ended he went back right to what he used to do. I am just so sad by this.... literally crying painful tears. I just don't know what to do as a christian wife and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

Even if you just pray for me I will appreciate that. I just wanted to share this story and see if anybody has any advice....
 
L

LadyInWaiting

Guest
#2
Hey Sis! I am not married and never have been so take all this with a grain of salt.
I want to tell you that of course we will be praying for you. I'm very sorry you are going through that. As someone who has never really had a serious relationship, I would expect my husband to treat me better. And reading your post is so disheartening. But you should know that posts like yours are not uncommon here at all.
I can only imagine what you are going through. Please know that Jesus loves you very much. He is our Heavenly Father who takes care of his children always. This is not what he had planned for you. Do not blame God for pain that others cause you. I'm just telling you this because I have done this myself in the past. If someone mistreated me, I would blame God for it. Which is completely unfair to God. He loves us and he also gave us free will. So your husband is just exercising his free will. Unfortunately, he is choosing to be distant towards you. I am very sorry for that.

Two things came to my mind as I was reading your post. First, maybe he really is tired. I mean I'm a virgin myself so I don't know much about this stuff...but 1-2 times seems like plenty a week. Maybe it's different for different people, I'm not sure. But I always figured the average was 1-2 times a week especially when you are tired from working so much.
Another thing is...gosh I don't even know how to say this. Are you sure he is straight? I hate telling you that, but it's best that you know as soon as possible. I have a distant relative who was married for over 20 years (they started a family together even) and the husband left his wife for a man. He married the man like a month after the divorce was finalized. Have you ever caught him watching things he shouldn't? Does he check out men? Is there a way about him that makes you feel uneasy? Do you suspect that he could have been sexually abused as a child? I know that when a child is sexually abused, it sometimes leaves them wanting nothing to do with sex even after marriage. It just doesn't seem right that he would get upset over the lingerie. That strikes me as he might not be into women at all.

I'm sorry that I don't have a lot of good advice to give you. But just know that you are not alone. I would tell you to try talking to him, but it seems like you already have. Keep praying and never feel like Jesus is punishing you or making something bad happen to you. Jesus loves you very much and he wants you to go to him right now while you go through this trial.
If you need anything, you can send me a PM. God bless you, Tiger!
 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
1,053
667
113
#3
"Hello 'Tiger'......... My child...'come close' to words before you...I have read your words, and have
decided to reply. ( Being married to same wonderful woman forty six years ) some experience...yes.:)
Something is seriously 'Amiss'...personal intimate relation between husband and wife, is not
only essential, but mandatory for a marriage to survive...believe it. Compatibility after marriage
is a bond that can only last when each learns that each must learn to adapt and accept the fact
that you can't change the other, if not willing to change self to live in harmony of each ones faults.
The dilemma of many...expecting the other one to change, but unable to change ones self....
thus living in harmony. I would seriously consider any hope of acquiring realistic advise in this
type of setting, perhaps only to be more confusing...as I assume this is a major concern. Someone
has a problem that needs a personal touch of a close friend or professional help....therefore, not
in knowledge of entire situation...it would only be speculation...I feel you NEED far more than
that from a stranger...be wise, use common sense, your lives may depend on it. I hope you find
what is seriously needed to eliminate the problem. God love you and family...I pray of this to be."...:)

'Praise God'......:)
 

Attachments

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
6,563
2,589
113
#4
Hello there....

I am just new to the forum but I really have been struggling with this and I feel so alone in this struggle....
I will try to keep this as fairly short as possible but it may be a little long. To start off, my husband and I have been married for about two years now. Before being married we had dated for 3 yrs. almost 4. My husband and I are fairly young we are both in our mid 20's and have no kids. We both work long hours and have tough commutes and jobs. I spend nearly 3.5 hours on average everyday commuting and my schedule is pretty much like 7AM - 8PM. I am not complaining at all though! God gives me patience and strength to preserve through this and I am doing what I love in my career. My husband says his work is very demanding too and he is constantly running around all day taking car of customers his schedule pretty much looks like 5:30 AM- 6PM.

I say that to give some context on what is going on but now I will explain the part that is literally so gut wrenching and painful.... the lack of desire and intimacy.....

When my husband and I were dating we had a lot of passion, we loved to be together, we may have at times been too physical but we saved sex for our wedding night. But the point is he could barely keep his hands off of me.... he loved to kiss, cuddle and hold me. He always wanted to kiss me and pursue me, he would tell all the time how he could barely even sleep because he was thinking about me and how much he wanted to be with me. We knew early on that we wanted to get married and when we became engaged and closer to our wedding day he would say things like how he couldn't wait til we got married and how much sex we would have like everyday.... you get the point it actually seemed like he genuinely desired and wanted me.

Flash forward to once we got married.... our wedding night was amazing and then things.... just seemed to change.... I can't recall for sure but we did have sex a couple times for our little get away (we did not actually have a honey moon until last year) and that was all good but once we got back home things were off. We were also planning to move so we were temporarily staying with my parents for like a week or something before driving out to the west coast. I would iniate sex and try to be intimate but he literally just straight up rejected me only after a few days of being married.... He said something like... we don't always have to have sex all the time, sometimes its just nice to cuddle... and continually said so. That first initial rejection absolutely crushed my heart but I tried to understand and maybe he wasn't comfortable having sex since we were living with my family at the time.... so I brushed that off. It really hurt though because I wanted to be intimate and close to him we HAD JUST GOT MARRIED and he was already turning me down, it just really hurt.

So once we moved to the west coast we were temporarily staying with his family but we had a much bigger room and more private space. I thought that he wouldn't keep rejecting me but.... lo and behold he did and would use the same excuse that he "likes variety" and likes to cuddle. or that he was too tired..... he basically like just stopped iniating sex with me and it was always me trying to be intimate with him. Most times he would respond but a lot of times he would reject me which ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED me and my self esteem. I was beginning to think I wasn't attractive enough to him anymore or that he didn't like me. When I confronted him about it he would say that he loves me very much and finds me very attractive but he doesn't want to have sex all the time... so months of this pattern went by.... He was getting better about not rejecting my advances but he still really did not iniate with me and would basically just seem disinterested in sex in general. Like it was on the back burner for him and not a priority. Even when we got our own apartment things were basically the same way. At this time his job was not even as demanding as it is now so his tired excuse seems like it doesn't hold up....

In the present.... things are better but still... he shows a lack of interest in intimacy and sex. He tells me he is just so tired and he can't sleep well but he loves me and finds me very attractive and I totally get he's tired and understand but he literally treats sex like a chore and it completely crushes my soul. We have even went to counseling because things were getting so bad with his attitude toward this and I was getting so sad, angry, and upset over the past years with our intimacy it was causing a huge rift in our marriage. It also really is actually a gut wrenching feeling when I lie down next to him every night and I feel so unwanted and undesired by him. I have cried my self to sleep many many many times. And I know that I am a beautiful girl but feeling unwanted by your husband really makes you question everything. The pain is so severe to me sometimes my heart feels so heavy and sad. I pray through this as best as I can but I don't know why I am going through this and what I did wrong..... All I really want is just to feel wanted and desired intimately by him.

We do have sex but I stepped back from iniating and let him lead things in the bedroom but it just falls flat.... if he had his way he only approaches me about 1-2 times a week (which may seem fine or like a lot for some people) but to me we have talked about at least 3-4 times a weeks and I mean we are still young and even just newly married. It just seems like he is disinterested in it... the last thing we do after everything else is done around the house is have sex.... it is consistently the last thing on his mind. Its like there is an alarm clock in his head to only be intimate after we lay down for bed. Not like right after work or mid day on weekend.... On the days when he does not want to be intimate he still "tries" for my sake which I appreciate but it is so obvious that he doesn't want to. He sighs..... his eyes are closed as he is dosing off..... he basically is forcing himself to stay awake and and that point I am not turned on at all so what is even the point we end up going to sleep because I know he doesn't want me in that moment.... And really that's what is so extremely hurtful to me is just the not feeling wanted or desired. I mean if he just showed he was interested in me or desired me I don't think we would have these issues.

Another thing is that even when we have sex the majority of the time I feel like I am doing majority of pleasing to him which I love to do but its the same thing every night. I turn him on really good and pleasure him but when it comes to me it falls flat.... He either doesn't touch me at all or barely touches me for two seconds and wants just jump into sex. He doesn't do certain things which I do for him... Like he doesn't reciprocate it and nor does it seems like he has a desire to please just me. He just said and done all these hurtful things leaves me crying all night..... and like truthfully doesn't care... doesn't show barely any interest or desire in sex and I am left wondering why..... He says its because he is really tired but even back when we got married he always had an excuse.... so the tired thing was not always an issue. He has gotten upset at me multiple times for buying lingerie because "we don't have money" or a "waste of money" even though we have enough to buy a few outfits... its' just ridiculous. He says he likes the outfits but doesn't want to spend the money... And I love to buy lingerie it makes me feel sexy and desirable but even that is not good enough for him I guess.... even though he has apologized for this its stlll like.... cmon I thought guys loved when their girl wear lingerie and loved to have sex...

I asked him to be honest with me and tell me the truth and last night he said the same freakin thing that he always says "Likes variety and likes to cuddle" Or is just too tired... I feel absolutely so sad and alone. My heart is just broken, and I am tried of feeling worthless by this. I pray for God to comfort me and show me what he wants to teach me in this time but I just can't see it.... My self esteem feels destroyed. My heart is literally broken and I feel so alone and rejected. I am so tired of the horrendous cycle and feeling so bad. Even after the counseling things were getting a lot better but once it ended he went back right to what he used to do. I am just so sad by this.... literally crying painful tears. I just don't know what to do as a christian wife and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

Even if you just pray for me I will appreciate that. I just wanted to share this story and see if anybody has any advice....
My wife said much the same thing about the amount of sex post marriage. But I did virtually all the initiating for many yrs. It wasn't an issue of desiring. You should not think that. It probably has very little to do with you at all.

She had different ideas about what was alot than I did. Or at least once alot became alot other factors came in. She also WAS stressed from work and life and WAS tired. Our libidos are different. Even now. 25 yrs later.

Our roles have almost totally flipped! SHE is mostly the initiator now. Not only because I learned that it worked better for her to initiate, but her libido has now surpassed mine!

Don't stress about it. It's going to be ok. But I would counsel you to talk to him about what you would like him to do during sex. Men are pretty stupid so he probably won't figure it out on his own.

May God Bless you and your husband
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
8,802
1,412
113
#5
for the time being, try 're-directing' your sexual energy into something
that will benefit you both in a different way...
also, if you are continually fretting, seek Christian Counseling with
educated 'care-counselers who are known to Love and Serve Jesus Christ,
and stay in the Bible, your Source of Great Comfort...
:):)
 
Jan 6, 2019
64
77
18
#6
Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Low testosterone can lead to a low sex drive.
 

Didymous

Senior Member
Feb 22, 2018
4,386
1,589
113
#7
Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Low testosterone can lead to a low sex drive.
Even if it's low testosterone, a husband can still take care of his wife's needs-even if it isn't the way things started. I'm sure some of these ladies can advise you on that.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
10,620
1,628
113
#8
My first thought is this thread should be moved to the Ladies Forum. Not because the men haven't given good advice, or they don't have anything to offer, but just because I think these frank talks about sex should be kept between ladies. Sorry men! Just the thoughts of an older woman teaching the younger women!

My first thought was also homosexuality, or even transgendered. I know a few women who got caught in these deceptive relationships.

One was actually in high school. The woman had been in a relationship with her husband since they were six. They got along well. Her husband would not have sex before marriage, which is very Biblical!

The problem was that he didn't want to have sex after they were married. And so it continued for a few years. In the end, he admitted he was gay, and although he never had sex with a man, he wanted to, and wanted a divorce. He hoped that by marrying his best friend, all the desires and thoughts about men would go away. Instead they got worse, the more he denied his feelings!

I also know a woman right now, whose husband decided to become a woman. She is very liberal, thought it was ok, at first. Now, she doesn't want to be married to a woman, she is not gay! On the other hand, her husband wants to date men.

All kinds of perversions exist. I find it hard to believe a man in his 20's wouldn't want sex with his beautiful wife. My husband and I have been married 38 years. The first 10 or 15 years, maybe more, we were intimate a lot. Then it slowed down a bit, and went through lots of changes, which are perfectly natural as you age. PennEd got that right! (See I told you men could give good advice!)

You need to talk to a pastor or woman counsellor. Sometimes it is easy for someone not involved in a situation to assess and give good ideas and suggestions. Go on your own if your husband won't go.

My last piece of advice, is why are you buying sexy nightwear, if he is not responding? You are not listening to his needs/concerns, and pushing him, shoving it down his throat is not going to change him.

Are you both born again Christians? Christ needs to be central to any marriage. You should be going to church together, praying together and studying the Bible together. God can heal this situation, but only if you let Him!
 

Kim82

Active member
Jun 17, 2018
263
211
43
#9
You did the right thing in waiting till after marriage, and you and your husband had a long courtship. And the way he was going on before marriage, you were not wrong to assume it would continue afterwards.

The reason for his behaviour is a mystery to me...

I think it's just low libido. Even he might be surprised at himself that he isn't more interested. It may be a medical issue, so he should definitely see a doctor.

But hey why not give him a taste of his own medicine?

Stop buying lingerie and instead buy long nighties. The kind that your great grandmother would wear. Put in some hair rollers and throw on a sleeping cap too. Announce that you're tired and not interested either. See how he likes that.

Even if he initiate something, tell him you would rather sleep than his half hearted attempts. Yes, see how he likes that.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,507
1,430
113
Germany
#10
What comes to my mind is that hes just overwhelmed and maybe just feeling under pressure.
How about just making some romantic nights where u just cuddle and u massage his back or so that he can just relax and let go.
Put up some soft scented candles and flowers and just spoil him and show him that its not all about sex.
Then u guys after a few times can talk about if there may be ways to spice things up, if maybe yall should take a weekend to go hiking or so
He needs to get his stress level low and feel home, instead of under pressure.
I cant promise u 4+ times sex a week but a change in appreciation and less tension.
Thats just my 2 cents
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
10,620
1,628
113
#11
What comes to my mind is that hes just overwhelmed and maybe just feeling under pressure.
How about just making some romantic nights where u just cuddle and u massage his back or so that he can just relax and let go.
Put up some soft scented candles and flowers and just spoil him and show him that its not all about sex.
Then u guys after a few times can talk about if there may be ways to spice things up, if maybe yall should take a weekend to go hiking or so
He needs to get his stress level low and feel home, instead of under pressure.
I cant promise u 4+ times sex a week but a change in appreciation and less tension.
Thats just my 2 cents

Most young men don't operate that way! They don't care about pressure, they just want sex. Something else is going on here. Stop blaming the OP, when the husband is at fault. He needs to be medically checked out, and then some honest digging deeper as to his sexual orientation, if the physical changes don't help.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,507
1,430
113
Germany
#12
Most young men don't operate that way! They don't care about pressure, they just want sex. Something else is going on here. Stop blaming the OP, when the husband is at fault. He needs to be medically checked out, and then some honest digging deeper as to his sexual orientation, if the physical changes don't help.
I am not blaming the op. Not all young me are like that.
Your accusation is pretty harsh
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
10,620
1,628
113
#13
I am not blaming the op. Not all young me are like that.
Your accusation is pretty harsh
It's not an accusation! It's the truth! Men are wired differently than women! The average sexual frequency, according to both Kinsey and the NIH, for a young man is twice a week, which is a far cry from never!

I was not condemning or judging, just pointing out the husband is far from normal and needs help, not the OP. Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage, to say nothing of procreation.

My advice is to stay out of conversations, Demi, that you know nothing about!
 

SIMON55

Active member
Feb 15, 2019
538
191
43
MO,OK,AR
#14
My first thought is this thread should be moved to the Ladies Forum. Not because the men haven't given good advice, or they don't have anything to offer, but just because I think these frank talks about sex should be kept between ladies. Sorry men! Just the thoughts of an older woman teaching the younger women!

My first thought was also homosexuality, or even transgendered. I know a few women who got caught in these deceptive relationships.

One was actually in high school. The woman had been in a relationship with her husband since they were six. They got along well. Her husband would not have sex before marriage, which is very Biblical!

The problem was that he didn't want to have sex after they were married. And so it continued for a few years. In the end, he admitted he was gay, and although he never had sex with a man, he wanted to, and wanted a divorce. He hoped that by marrying his best friend, all the desires and thoughts about men would go away. Instead they got worse, the more he denied his feelings!

I also know a woman right now, whose husband decided to become a woman. She is very liberal, thought it was ok, at first. Now, she doesn't want to be married to a woman, she is not gay! On the other hand, her husband wants to date men.

All kinds of perversions exist. I find it hard to believe a man in his 20's wouldn't want sex with his beautiful wife. My husband and I have been married 38 years. The first 10 or 15 years, maybe more, we were intimate a lot. Then it slowed down a bit, and went through lots of changes, which are perfectly natural as you age. PennEd got that right! (See I told you men could give good advice!)

You need to talk to a pastor or woman counsellor. Sometimes it is easy for someone not involved in a situation to assess and give good ideas and suggestions. Go on your own if your husband won't go.

My last piece of advice, is why are you buying sexy nightwear, if he is not responding? You are not listening to his needs/concerns, and pushing him, shoving it down his throat is not going to change him.

Are you both born again Christians? Christ needs to be central to any marriage. You should be going to church together, praying together and studying the Bible together. God can heal this situation, but only if you let Him!


Yeah I can see where it might be better for you ladies to keep all the perverse disgusting homo abomination talk to yourselves.....
That stuff is a real stomach turner !!!
So many freaks in the world these days ....I go to the stall to p cause you never know what goes on in the freaks brain standing at the urinal next to you....
Its a sick world when a normal man can't feel comfortable in it....
frankly I am tired of seeing it and hearing about it.
But.....I do agree any man in his 20's that doesn't desire his wife is a FREAK.....!!!

I have never not wanted it even at my age....!

I would like to meet a nice woman but Im to afraid to speak to any they might have a butch man hater wife come out of nowhere and elder abuse me assault me and put me in the hospital.

If people believe what jesus said about lusting in your heart committing adultry .

Then in my opinion you either believe it or you don't so if you got a HOMO DUD GENDER CONFUSED SPOUSE
THAT DOESN'T CONSUMATE

Then they are committing adultery in their mind and heart.....and should be allowed to throw the dud back as a non keeper.

I am sorry I must be a horrible flesh sin minded Christian....I just don't think a Christian should have to suffer psychological torture because they desire a natural healthy intimate bond the way God created it to be with a normal spouse !!!

All these excuses about work and stress bla bla bla.....

Sure.....I don't buy them I don't consider my self exceptional and I labored till 50 years old and still wanted it ALL NIGHT !!!!

To many defective freaks out their demasculated gender confused homos everywhere masquerading as normal.
 

SIMON55

Active member
Feb 15, 2019
538
191
43
MO,OK,AR
#15
It's not an accusation! It's the truth! Men are wired differently than women! The average sexual frequency, according to both Kinsey and the NIH, for a young man is twice a week, which is a far cry from never!

I was not condemning or judging, just pointing out the husband is far from normal and needs help, not the OP. Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage, to say nothing of procreation.

My advice is to stay out of conversations, Demi, that you know nothing about!


Twice a week ?????

For a young man ????
So AT 57 THAT WOULD MAKE ME SUPERMAN FOR WANTING IT FOUR TIMES !!!!!

Twice a week is pathetic for a young man......
HOW ABOUT TWICE IN THE MORNING AND TWICE THAT LASTED ALL NIGHT at night
Thats what I liked till 35 yrs old!!!!

What are they doing using soft peter for coffee creamer????

Geesh no wonder younger woman want older men that aren't demasculated and gender confused !!!!

I am a sensitive man I CRY if I dont get it at least 3X a week I feel rejected.....

.........if not For God I would have cried myself to death the last 3 years alone!!!
 

SIMON55

Active member
Feb 15, 2019
538
191
43
MO,OK,AR
#16
You did the right thing in waiting till after marriage, and you and your husband had a long courtship. And the way he was going on before marriage, you were not wrong to assume it would continue afterwards.

The reason for his behaviour is a mystery to me...

I think it's just low libido. Even he might be surprised at himself that he isn't more interested. It may be a medical issue, so he should definitely see a doctor.

But hey why not give him a taste of his own medicine?

Stop buying lingerie and instead buy long nighties. The kind that your great grandmother would wear. Put in some hair rollers and throw on a sleeping cap too. Announce that you're tired and not interested either. See how he likes that.

Even if he initiate something, tell him you would rather sleep than his half hearted attempts. Yes, see how he likes that.
Yeah turn the tables on the gender confused homo freak that will fix him .....lol....
Maybe he only wants what he cant have.....
 

SIMON55

Active member
Feb 15, 2019
538
191
43
MO,OK,AR
#17
Hello there....

I am just new to the forum but I really have been struggling with this and I feel so alone in this struggle....
I will try to keep this as fairly short as possible but it may be a little long. To start off, my husband and I have been married for about two years now. Before being married we had dated for 3 yrs. almost 4. My husband and I are fairly young we are both in our mid 20's and have no kids. We both work long hours and have tough commutes and jobs. I spend nearly 3.5 hours on average everyday commuting and my schedule is pretty much like 7AM - 8PM. I am not complaining at all though! God gives me patience and strength to preserve through this and I am doing what I love in my career. My husband says his work is very demanding too and he is constantly running around all day taking car of customers his schedule pretty much looks like 5:30 AM- 6PM.

I say that to give some context on what is going on but now I will explain the part that is literally so gut wrenching and painful.... the lack of desire and intimacy.....

When my husband and I were dating we had a lot of passion, we loved to be together, we may have at times been too physical but we saved sex for our wedding night. But the point is he could barely keep his hands off of me.... he loved to kiss, cuddle and hold me. He always wanted to kiss me and pursue me, he would tell all the time how he could barely even sleep because he was thinking about me and how much he wanted to be with me. We knew early on that we wanted to get married and when we became engaged and closer to our wedding day he would say things like how he couldn't wait til we got married and how much sex we would have like everyday.... you get the point it actually seemed like he genuinely desired and wanted me.

Flash forward to once we got married.... our wedding night was amazing and then things.... just seemed to change.... I can't recall for sure but we did have sex a couple times for our little get away (we did not actually have a honey moon until last year) and that was all good but once we got back home things were off. We were also planning to move so we were temporarily staying with my parents for like a week or something before driving out to the west coast. I would iniate sex and try to be intimate but he literally just straight up rejected me only after a few days of being married.... He said something like... we don't always have to have sex all the time, sometimes its just nice to cuddle... and continually said so. That first initial rejection absolutely crushed my heart but I tried to understand and maybe he wasn't comfortable having sex since we were living with my family at the time.... so I brushed that off. It really hurt though because I wanted to be intimate and close to him we HAD JUST GOT MARRIED and he was already turning me down, it just really hurt.

So once we moved to the west coast we were temporarily staying with his family but we had a much bigger room and more private space. I thought that he wouldn't keep rejecting me but.... lo and behold he did and would use the same excuse that he "likes variety" and likes to cuddle. or that he was too tired..... he basically like just stopped iniating sex with me and it was always me trying to be intimate with him. Most times he would respond but a lot of times he would reject me which ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED me and my self esteem. I was beginning to think I wasn't attractive enough to him anymore or that he didn't like me. When I confronted him about it he would say that he loves me very much and finds me very attractive but he doesn't want to have sex all the time... so months of this pattern went by.... He was getting better about not rejecting my advances but he still really did not iniate with me and would basically just seem disinterested in sex in general. Like it was on the back burner for him and not a priority. Even when we got our own apartment things were basically the same way. At this time his job was not even as demanding as it is now so his tired excuse seems like it doesn't hold up....

In the present.... things are better but still... he shows a lack of interest in intimacy and sex. He tells me he is just so tired and he can't sleep well but he loves me and finds me very attractive and I totally get he's tired and understand but he literally treats sex like a chore and it completely crushes my soul. We have even went to counseling because things were getting so bad with his attitude toward this and I was getting so sad, angry, and upset over the past years with our intimacy it was causing a huge rift in our marriage. It also really is actually a gut wrenching feeling when I lie down next to him every night and I feel so unwanted and undesired by him. I have cried my self to sleep many many many times. And I know that I am a beautiful girl but feeling unwanted by your husband really makes you question everything. The pain is so severe to me sometimes my heart feels so heavy and sad. I pray through this as best as I can but I don't know why I am going through this and what I did wrong..... All I really want is just to feel wanted and desired intimately by him.

We do have sex but I stepped back from iniating and let him lead things in the bedroom but it just falls flat.... if he had his way he only approaches me about 1-2 times a week (which may seem fine or like a lot for some people) but to me we have talked about at least 3-4 times a weeks and I mean we are still young and even just newly married. It just seems like he is disinterested in it... the last thing we do after everything else is done around the house is have sex.... it is consistently the last thing on his mind. Its like there is an alarm clock in his head to only be intimate after we lay down for bed. Not like right after work or mid day on weekend.... On the days when he does not want to be intimate he still "tries" for my sake which I appreciate but it is so obvious that he doesn't want to. He sighs..... his eyes are closed as he is dosing off..... he basically is forcing himself to stay awake and and that point I am not turned on at all so what is even the point we end up going to sleep because I know he doesn't want me in that moment.... And really that's what is so extremely hurtful to me is just the not feeling wanted or desired. I mean if he just showed he was interested in me or desired me I don't think we would have these issues.

Another thing is that even when we have sex the majority of the time I feel like I am doing majority of pleasing to him which I love to do but its the same thing every night. I turn him on really good and pleasure him but when it comes to me it falls flat.... He either doesn't touch me at all or barely touches me for two seconds and wants just jump into sex. He doesn't do certain things which I do for him... Like he doesn't reciprocate it and nor does it seems like he has a desire to please just me. He just said and done all these hurtful things leaves me crying all night..... and like truthfully doesn't care... doesn't show barely any interest or desire in sex and I am left wondering why..... He says its because he is really tired but even back when we got married he always had an excuse.... so the tired thing was not always an issue. He has gotten upset at me multiple times for buying lingerie because "we don't have money" or a "waste of money" even though we have enough to buy a few outfits... its' just ridiculous. He says he likes the outfits but doesn't want to spend the money... And I love to buy lingerie it makes me feel sexy and desirable but even that is not good enough for him I guess.... even though he has apologized for this its stlll like.... cmon I thought guys loved when their girl wear lingerie and loved to have sex...

I asked him to be honest with me and tell me the truth and last night he said the same freakin thing that he always says "Likes variety and likes to cuddle" Or is just too tired... I feel absolutely so sad and alone. My heart is just broken, and I am tried of feeling worthless by this. I pray for God to comfort me and show me what he wants to teach me in this time but I just can't see it.... My self esteem feels destroyed. My heart is literally broken and I feel so alone and rejected. I am so tired of the horrendous cycle and feeling so bad. Even after the counseling things were getting a lot better but once it ended he went back right to what he used to do. I am just so sad by this.... literally crying painful tears. I just don't know what to do as a christian wife and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

Even if you just pray for me I will appreciate that. I just wanted to share this story and see if anybody has any advice....

He's dead shuvel the dirt in on him and have the funeral you have already grieved for him.
 

SIMON55

Active member
Feb 15, 2019
538
191
43
MO,OK,AR
#18
Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Low testosterone can lead to a low sex drive.
Low....T....in your 20's ? ? ?

That would mean you never had any !!!!

Mine is just now slowing down to where I only sit up 3X nights a week crying to God about not getting any.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,507
1,430
113
Germany
#19
It's not an accusation! It's the truth! Men are wired differently than women! The average sexual frequency, according to both Kinsey and the NIH, for a young man is twice a week, which is a far cry from never!

I was not condemning or judging, just pointing out the husband is far from normal and needs help, not the OP. Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage, to say nothing of procreation.

My advice is to stay out of conversations, Demi, that you know nothing about!
I know quite a bit about it even from my own life with a man that has even less of a drive than she described her own husband to have.
Its sad how you look down on people and give me so much hate
You changed quite to the negative.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
10,620
1,628
113
#20
Twice a week ?????

For a young man ????
So AT 57 THAT WOULD MAKE ME SUPERMAN FOR WANTING IT FOUR TIMES !!!!!

Twice a week is pathetic for a young man......
HOW ABOUT TWICE IN THE MORNING AND TWICE THAT LASTED ALL NIGHT at night
Thats what I liked till 35 yrs old!!!!

What are they doing using soft peter for coffee creamer????

Geesh no wonder younger woman want older men that aren't demasculated and gender confused !!!!

I am a sensitive man I CRY if I dont get it at least 3X a week I feel rejected.....

.........if not For God I would have cried myself to death the last 3 years alone!!!

I looked it up on google, of course. And yes, I was completely shocked! But then, the men that don't want sex, whether they are asexual or homosexual, also count. So, they bring the average down. I can tell you, we were much higher in frequency than the averages given. Unless they are also adding people with diabetes (I think that shuts down the libido, too!), and so forth! Perhaps it would be better to use the range, or the median as the measurement?

(Looks around for Posthuman! Lol)