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Politics Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time.
But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.
"Oops," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "We meant non-essential private businesses. Of course, the government is always essential, even when it's not doing anything or is making things worse."
Senators, congresspeople, and bureaucrats frantically rewrote the ban to include only businesses that actually produced something and not government agencies that just watched other people make stuff. Though they had dragged their feet on passing bills related to relieving the financial distress of the shutdown, they passed this revision in record speed, almost as quickly as they vote for pay raises for themselves.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she would have caught the mistake but had passed the ban in a hurry, saying, "We had to pass the ban to see what it did."
World China: 'We've Completely Cured Coronavirus And Everything Is Fine Here And No One Is Allowed In To Check'
BEIJING—President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping made a surprise announcement to a few invited members of the press. “Everything is great here!” he said. “In fact... um... we’ve completely eradicated Coronavirus here -- cured it even. Yep, cured it. We found a cure. But it... um... only works on the Chinese so we can’t give it to you. Yeah, that’s the ticket. China-only cure; can’t share it. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?"
During the press conference, a lot of commotion was heard outside, such as shouting and explosions. Xi eventually remarked on it. “What you hear outside is... um... a party! Yep, that’s what it is. A big party. Everything is so great, we’re having one big party. But no one else is allowed in the country to see it because... it’s a private party. China-only party. But it’s got... um... dragons and fireworks -- you know, typical Chinese stuff. I’m sure you can all imagine it and don’t need to see it. So anyway, we defeated the Coronavirus -- which was made by the U.S. military and has nothing to do with us -- and everything is great and we’re having a party, but you all have to get out now and leave us to it and stop saying I look like Winnie the Pooh because I don’t -- I look like Tom Cruise.” Xi then ended the press conference and took no questions since he “explained everything perfectly.”
American journalists quickly reacted to the news. “China is so much better than the stupid U.S.! I wish we were China!” said an editorial in The New York Times. “If we weren’t banned from seeing inside, we would live in China.” And at Trump’s next press conference, the Times writer's first question was, “Why can’t you be China?”
New Yorkers are paying dearly for several missteps by state leaders as they confront the coronavirus pandemic. Topping the list are newly-minted Democratic darling Governor Andrew Cuomo and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio.
Less than a month ago the mayor resisted locking down the city, tweeting: “Since I’m encouraging New Yorkers to go on with your lives + get out on the town despite Coronavirus, I thought I would offer some suggestions. Here’s the first: thru Thurs 3/5 go see “The Traitor” @FilmLinc. If “The Wire” was a true story + set in Italy, it would be this film.” He also refused to close public schools for days as teachers and city leaders protested.
Just a couple weeks later he was forced to appeal to President Donald Trump on NBC’s Meet the Press for ventilators, hospital beds, face masks, gowns, and other supplies as his city struggled to contain the outbreak.
“The president of the United States is from New York City, and he will not lift a finger to help his hometown, and I don’t get it,” de Blasio said on Meet the Press last month.
“I can’t be blunt enough. If the president doesn’t act, people will die who could have lived otherwise,” he said.
Cuomo announced Wednesday that in New York City alone 1,139 people have died from coronavirus, with 43 dying overnight, and 47,439 cases diagnosed. Statewide 83,712 confirmed coronavirus cases were recorded and 1,941 people have died.
He issued an executive order last week banning the average patient from using hydroxychloroquine and chloroquine while people across the state die in droves. He limited prescriptions to COVID-19 patients in state-approved clinical trials, and for FDA-approved uses as an antimalarial or autoimmune treatment, and then only for a 14-day supply with no refills. [Continues]