“Who are you?” Writing

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Jan 18, 2019
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Who are you?

GASP. My old thoughts are coughed out as if coughing out water after being saved from drowning.

My body felt like a corpse before, and now I really feel like I can breathe...

Suddenly I’m warmed by your voice.
“I love you.”
My eyes widen, as I stand frozen, paralyzed in emotion.
“I’m here for you.”
I let your words lovingly embrace me.
The ordinary old thoughts disappear.

The old day is interrupted by your overwhelming love. How can I stand with you and not feel so moved after you have helped me understand more about who you are?

Everyone sees it as me staring off into space... but it just feels so great to stop to think about you. To daydream all day about you...

My mind is slow. I’m very faulty.... And yet, you don’t want me to hide from you, you want me to come from you...

Apart of my mind says that worrying will help me, make me be realistic and focused on working, and when you call me I feel so reckless doing it all for love, but I’d rather breathe with you than suffocate.

Your love keeps me secure, it’s my rock in times of trouble. I can always count on you, rain, shine, or snow... you always stay.

In the waves of life, you give the chance to look at you. You remind me life isn’t just what I see around me. You remind me that life is about you, even when I can’t see you with my eyes.

Day after day, the world seems to fall apart around me filling me with fear. I’m glad in this huge mess of life, I can just stop to lie my tired head on your shoulders.

Lord my love, in this great big mess of life, it just feels good to breathe the air you give.

Lord my God, in this great big mess of life, if I must live my life, I just want to live my life with you.

As this great world constantly tears itself apart, I want my eyes to forget and I want my mind to remember.

Your love keeps me from dropping myself in the grave and letting the dirt consume me.

And even though your love gets in the way of me and my grave, how can I stay mad at you with how wonderful you are? I love you!

At first, you trying to keep me safe felt like annoying hand cuffs you connected with my hand and yours. I could never wander to close to the grave I desired to go to, but it makes me so overwhelmed with emotion to understand that you wanted me to be safe because you love me!

To stay when the world is falling apart scares me, every problem seems to split the ground into pieces, but day after day, when the world changes, sets itself on fire and shakes, you’re always there to hold me, staying there with me when I don’t want to stay.

It feels reckless to close my eyes to these problems to look to you, but the worry can finally end.

These handcuffs are a very bittersweet thing. The fact that I’m loved by you makes me blush, but my constant failures aren’t enjoyable, seeing the world fall apart around me is making me very uncomfortable so it’s hard to focus on you and not start panicking at the sky burning away like paper, and the ground sinking. You know me. I fail constantly, and I am a weak minded person. Giving up make it feel like I stop being an embarrassment, but these handcuffs are stop me from giving up so I I’m stuck like this. You asking me to love like this feels is reckless. I’m not making good grades. My mind is not stable. I’m not doing as I SHOULD, and like OTHERS do. And yet you ask me, and embarrassment, to hug you as this world’s problems give me every to feel like a malfunctioning product to be thrown away? It sounds awfully romantic, too romantic for the life of a failure to the world.

This world doesn’t reward me for my weaknesses. I don’t study too well, my head feels foggy and confused. The cold of night confines me to my bed. And because I don’t study well, I fail. That’s the world, and that’s how it works. And yet, everyday you don’t cease to pursue shy, nervous me so you can comfort me... I fail and you still pursue me.

If I were strong, would I think of you filling my lungs with air? If I were smart would I rely on myself and forget about you? As weak as I feel, I’m glad you, the Lord of all can help me. If I do anything now, I won’t forget about you, because I can know you helped me do it. I’m having nothing, I have everything with you. Not only did you handcuff me so I don’t purposefully put myself in danger, but you stole my heart and I really can’t get it back. As cheesy as it sounds, I know my heart has been stolen by you because your name gets me stuck in a smile that I can’t shake off. Maybe my heart was never even mine since you made it? I won’t be upset with someone as caring as you keeping it.

It seems crazy that you want me to be safe more than I want myself to. I used to think I owned myself, that’s why I felt like I could do whatever I wanted with my life. Now calling myself yours makes me feel so warm. I say to myself “This life is far too much.. who would want to see my story continued?”
And then I hear a “Me!” from you as you stay motivating me. You stay through all my plays of tragedies on this stage of life, each and every scene of it. The mood is supposed to be gloomy for this show, and maybe the devil just wants me to think that it’s supposed to stay that way as if he’s the director of my life. But you really ruin his plans because through these supposed tragedies, you interrupt the devil’s script and your words make me adding things into scenes that I never thought were possible. The script the devil made of hopelessness has gotten old and boring...

I feel like a walking skeleton at times. Like this whole thing was a mistake... my mind hasn’t felt all there or all alive. Sometimes I feel like you brought me back to life from my self hatred like a zombie...
You brought me back out of love, and however out of it I’ve felt with me being frustrated and my slowness, you make me happy just to exist, because just existing, you still love me.

I guess the reason I may feel like a zombie to a lot of things, is that nothing else makes my heart beat except for you. Your the one who makes my dead alive. Your are the life that goes through my lungs, you are the life that flows through my heart. Losing everything in all of my self hatred, whenever I see you, the one who offers to be everything, I can’t help but hold you close and not want to let go. I’ve been poor in mind so long. You being the one who saved me, can I really acknowledge I’m alive everyday without looking at you?

Without looking at you, where do I have to turn? I don’t have qualities the world would want to save no talents... the biggest thing to me is you! What else would keep me alive? Who else would look at me with their eyes filled with infinite love? I didn’t save myself. The world didn’t save me. You saved me. So who else could I live for?

You must be pretty loving to bring a corpse like me back. You acting so crazily in loving me is probably driving me crazy to, because this corpse wants to stay alive for you. You bring color and life to my face which was once lifeless and grey. Feeling your eyes look at me makes me feel alive. When pure love looks at a corpse in such a way, I have no choice but to just live! When you command the dead to live, can the dead refuse to someone so wonderful like you?

Sometimes love feels like a curse. I spent another day asleep, pushing everything away. These handcuffs feel forced, love wants me to live, so I stay in bed to sleep out all my days in anger of you who cuffed me. You are always a sight for sore eyes when my sleeping takes my life into a coma. When you catch my wandering heart I cannot resist.

Every breath or air with you is a breath worth breathing. Each breath, I feel you. I can say breathing with you is one of my favorite hobbies! As simple as it is, holding your hand and breathing, existing with my loving God can be enough.

Sometimes, breathing is harder, anxiety... worries clog up my lungs.
But at the end of the day, all I need to do is stop to look at you and breathe. When I’m forgetful, looking at you is harder... but looking at your love letters in the Bible, I can remember and breathe you in.

I’m overcome with sorrow when I forget... I can understand why you in you word you say you’re jealous when I go to things that don’t help me... distractions are so suffocating to me. When I’m with you, I can feel alive breathing, otherwise all I am is just alive with no breath in a deep sleep of slow suffering. My heart still beats, but it gets softer to hear, the more distractions make me fade away into a dark nothing. I want you to make me real.