Presbyterian/Baptist War

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Dec 28, 2016
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The Baptist came out
All donned in white shirt and shorts
You'd think he was
One of the knights
On King Arthur's court

Then the Presby came out
In a polka dotted shirt
With stripped shorts
That look to have been
Mired in the dirt

The Baptist serves the tennis ball
With fervor and might
The Presby covers his head
And runs off in fright

15-0

The Baptist then smashes
Another serve the Presby's way
It was served with such wicked speed
It made the Presby's shorts
Look like he had just on himself peed


30-0

The bold Baptist sensing
The fear in his foe
Serves another tennis ball
That breaks 3 of the Presby's toes

40-0

When it ain't broke
Don't try to fix it
The next serve was so hard
It hit the net that it split

His second serve was
Served just as hard
That it made the Presby pass out
Like a drunken Picard

The Presby runs out
Of the stadium in fear
He leaves so fast
All the fans saw was his rear

So when a Baptist and Presby
Get into a tennis scratch
The ump will look to the Baptist
And loudly proclaim

"Game, set, match"
 
Dec 28, 2016
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Abe Lincoln
Lived in a house
Of logs
Not linkin'

Presby's a'drinkin'
Which in turn
Make his
Breath a'stinkin'

"What was I a'thinkin'?"
Said the drunk Presby
"When I was a'drinkin'
And my eye to her
I was a'winkin'?"

"My eyes are
Now a'blinkin'
After her husband's
Fist made my
Head a'clinkin'"

"I'll go and get
Babies for
Water a'dinkin'"
Said the drunk Presby
With the avatar
Of a sunglassed
Abe Lincoln
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
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530
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why blame the 'drinkin', if the water was a stickin'???
i'll bet Jesus knew what would happen when He allowed
the water to turn into the wine of rejoicing, when His
brothers and sisters found their voices of praise and wonder...
 
Dec 28, 2016
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oldthenew
wearing denim blue
eating beef stew
drinking mountain dew

oldthenew
not many but few
having a tobacco chew
at the local zoo

oldthenew
turned blue
choking on chew
while drinking mountain dew

oldthenew
coroners few
packing them to the pew
in the zoo

oldthenew
the coop flew
their body has dew
buried with a jew

at the local zoo
 
Dec 28, 2016
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SeoulSearch
Has a cousin named Lurch
Who sits on a perch
Made of birch

SeoulSearch
Ain't no jerk
Goes to church
In the pews lurk

SeoulSearch
Needs some mulch
To put around the birch
That made Lurch's perch

SeoulSearch
What mirth
Happy from birth
Playing is the dirt

SeoulSearch
And our friend Mert
Wondering my mirth
And my belly's girth

#That'sallIhave
 
Dec 28, 2016
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The Presby sneaks into the Baptist church
To cause a scene and a riot
But he's caught by a man and a woman
The man is a deacon
And the woman his wife

The deacon gives him a fist
She gives him a knife
So much for a riot
And sowing in that church come strife

The deacon pounds him to the ground
And then in three places
Breaks the Presby's arm
Then he gets a kick in the ribs
From that Baptist schoolmarm

As he leaves the hospital
Three weeks has past
Since he got a fist to the face
And a kick to his...

Hey, didn't I tell you he needs to stop trying to infiltrate Baptist churches, Des?
 
Dec 28, 2016
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Des is a Presby
Lucy a Baptist
She filed for divorce
When he demanded
She wear a habit

She gives him a poke
A slap, stomp and fist
When she's finished with him
He realizes this ain't no joke

He then begs her to
Stay with him and not leave
"Don't divorce me, Lucy.
To you I'll always cleave!"

She then told him
He must stop the liquor
He curls his lip
But she demands he quit quicker

"Forget you!"
Were the words he proclaimed
To his former wife that day.
"I keep my liquor,
and drink it quicker,
And marry your sister Sue!"
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
7,722
530
113
boy, what an 'old-story', SG, where did you dig this one up?:eek:
 
Dec 28, 2016
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Desdichado has went AWOL
Thought he was drinking
Alcohol
Turned out to be Correctol

Desdichado flew the coup
The Correctol
He drank
Made him go poop

Desdichado in dire straits
Can find his Garmin
And because of that
Can't squeeze the Charmin

Desdichado looking around
For something useful
Maybe someone will
Get him some Metamucil

Desdichado sitting
On his porcelain throne
Going to order some
Toilet paper on his iphone

Desdichado is in need
Drop his iphone
In the commode
Into which he just peed

Desdichado gets up
Walks out of his place
You can tell he's made
By the look on his face

Desdichado is a
Cautionary tale
Of making sure you have
Toilet paper for your tail
 

JaumeJ

Senior Member
Jul 2, 2011
12,832
623
113
Most are going to disagree with this pronouncement on denominations, and this is normal for most in this age.

No named denomination will concur with another simply by virtue of the fact they need to name themselves in order to distinguish them from other named denominations.

This is why I hear Jesus on the matter always, whom I also like to call Yeshua..

We are become children of Abrahan, and our faith is the faith of Abraham. This is not a denomination unless someone comes along and makes one up calling it by this reality, not a title.

Now if you keep in mind Abraham means "Honored Father of Peoples (nations)" you may possibly understand this teaching more profoundly.........

Those who disagree will disagree while those who understand will know.

All blessing in Jesus Christ, amen.
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
7,520
196
63
Awol he says!
The star who lays beneath a rock
I load and lift the iron trays
While he sniffs his dirty socks

I journeyed 'cross lands bigger than most nations
Fought the sun, snow, and sleet
Forwent the great libations!

The pillars of Perdition tremble
As my hand is put to plow
My mighty host to assemble
For the coming row

Don't forget the star!
Don't give up the ship!
Cast harpoon down to his lair
Pierce Neptune's mighty lip

Jove's shackles are as twine
Death to the great Hyperion
Fill the chalice with finest wine
So returns the Presbyterian
 
Dec 28, 2016
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Des has arms as hard as rocks
And brains to match
Sadly, he doesn't know
How to put on his socks
Or even his back to scratch
 
Dec 28, 2016
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I may be fat
But keep it quiet
But youse is ugly
And I can diet
 
Dec 28, 2016
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The Presby wakes up
Early on Christmas day
He can barely open his eyes
From having too much Tangueray

His hair's a mess
His breath a stench
It reeks of a dog pile
Found under a park bench

He stumbles through the house
Bouncing off the walls
He barely makes it to the kitchen
When he suddenly lost it all

A few minutes later
He hears a woman say
"Are you okay my sweetie?"
He thinks "May day, May day!"

He looks at her
In awe and wonder
Not knowing what had went down
He thought, "Oh what a blunder!"

He says to her
"I am okay
Though I did sin.
I had too much to drink last night.
What's your name again?"

"Why, I am your wife Maggie,
You goon."
"My wife?" He quipped
His body feeling like
It had been thoroughly whipped

"Yes, your wife, you silly.
We got married at
Younder's court house.
The judge's name was Willie"

He looks at his left hand
Sure enough a wedding ring
But he remembers none of it
The thought of marriage
Was such an awful thing

"Well, I don't remember a thing,
An annulment in the near future."
She said, "You annul our marriage,
And you'll need more than one suture!"

She wielded a knife
And puts it in a private place.
"Looks like I have a wife!"
Said the hung over Presby
With a fake smile on his face.
 
Dec 28, 2016
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The old Presby Pastor
Knew his end was near
He'd preached God's word
Through many, many tears

He knew he was about
To breathe his last breath
Because who stepped in
His last enemy death

They came and got him
Took him to the morgue
The mortician looked and said
"Embalming him? There's just no use!
He's already preserved
In 160 proof!"

They take him to the cemetery
To give him in last rites
The workers looked at his body
And thought, "Egad, what a site!"

They planted him under the dirt
And when they turned to leave
They heard a racket and turned about
Why, right after they planted him
In that graveyard
All the Baptists buried there
Got up and walked out
 
Dec 28, 2016
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Awol he says!
The star who lays beneath a rock
I load and lift the iron trays
While he sniffs his dirty socks

I journeyed 'cross lands bigger than most nations
Fought the sun, snow, and sleet
Forwent the great libations!

The pillars of Perdition tremble
As my hand is put to plow
My mighty host to assemble
For the coming row

Don't forget the star!
Don't give up the ship!
Cast harpoon down to his lair
Pierce Neptune's mighty lip

Jove's shackles are as twine
Death to the great Hyperion
Fill the chalice with finest wine
So returns the Presbyterian
Plow and row do not rhyme
You must be Ren Hoek
Because using words
That do not rhyme
Makes you not a poet
 
Dec 28, 2016
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I'm over in the corner
Yelling "Des, come out
And fight me like a man!
You started this thread
Looks like you've
Tucked tail and ran!"

He knows he's beat
He knows its over
He looks like he got
Hit by a Land Rover

I expect him back
Des, don't be on alarm
Because you'll get beat up again
By that Baptist schoolmarm
 
Dec 28, 2016
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The Presby looked all depressed
Whilst setting on top of the hill
A Baptist asked why he's so glum
He said "My barrel of whiskey
Just rolled over the hill!"

The Baptist said, "I'd give you a drank
But your liver would go on tilt
For all I drink
Is cold buttermilk."

"Buttermilk? He wildly screamed
"That stuff's nasty
As rotten ice cream!"

"If it's not more than 100 proof
I'll tear the barrel down
Use the wood for the roof!"

The depressed Presby looked
Down yonder's hill
He sees something exciting
Something that gave him a thrill

It's his Presby Pastor
Packing his whiskey barrel
He thinks, "I've got my booze back
I'll party and drink it faster
Until I pickle my bone marrow!"

But to his dismay
To his demise
He knew the barrel was empty
From the look of his Pastor's eyes

He said "I couldn't help myself
Nor could I contain
To not drink your whiskey
I could not refrain."

"That whiskey was smooth
That whiskey was nifty
And because of that
Here's your barrel back empty."

Sign at the local Presby church
Was spotted on their front door
That Presby Pastor
Will steal whiskey no more
 
Dec 28, 2016
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Dolly Parton and RuPaul
Minding their business
When they both received
From Desdichado a phone call

He explained his plight
He explained his dilemma
Politics has gotten so bad
He needs an enema

The Republicans are
Way too conservative
The Democrats are
Way too liberal
He just decided
To live in a bar

The reason why
He called those two?
He thinks he’s a smarty
He’s gonna go and
Restart the wig party

Sadly, he doesn’t know
Its actually Whig
But what else should you expect
From a drunken pig?