A Bird in the Hand is worth TWO in the Bush...

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Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#1
I'm in a strange relationship.

Girl A: I will call her Emily (ISFJ)

Girl B: I will call her A.J. (ENTJ)

Girl C: I will call her Aprilia (ENFJ)

Girl D: I will call Jae (INTJ)

I hang out with Emily and her sister A.J. every weekend. About 3 months ago, I asked Emily out and she said, she was honored but alas no. Yet, we still wind up doing all the coupley things that I would expect in a relationship ie long phone calls, hugs, movies, working out etc etc. She thinks I'm a little weird because she doesn't get a lot of my jokes, references, symbolism or any deeper stuff. After getting to know her more, I realize that she isn't really my type, and it would take a lot A LOT of patience from both of us to make something like this work out. She frowns upon a lot of the stuff I do, but likes me enough to spend all of her free time with me.

A.J. is Emily's sister. (ENTJ) Very smart, gets my jokes, really competitive, curious, adventurous and in general aimlessly ambitious and wildly successful in whatever she does. She is their father's favorite. A.J. gets it, me, everything. But she just headed to the south for the summer. She left me with a I'm going to be lonely without you, wish you were here, take care of my sister while I'm gone thing. She is in college at BSU and I've helped her write a couple of papers, cause I'm good at that sort of thing and she appreciates my strengths.

My best friend female friend confidant person Aprilia basically said that my pseudo relationship is one where Emily is keeping me as her 2nd string boyfriend, if something else doesn't come up. Sort of like a friend box but, with the hope that we grow closer over time, eventually to become something more or hoping that she can change me into something she likes more.

A.J. hinted that her sister Emily had a crush on some Veterinarian guy and that isn't going as well as she had planned.

Meanwhile back at the Ranch. I was wondering, if this pseudo relationship were to develop into something more, how would that work? I was considering all the details and stuff, when a girl I had a crush on for a long time, messages me. We had talked a lot before and This girl, Jae (INTJ) really gets me, it, everything and feels it the way I do. But all the miles that separate us and our lives mean that just because we would, doesn't mean we should. Jae is someone I could pour my heart into and rather than getting weirded out, or overloaded, she could make something really beautiful out of it. But talking with her made me realize that Emily could never be someone I fall madly in love with. Ours would be a relationship of Duty and Utility. Anything that deviates from the norm of social expectations of hearth and home would be seen as weird or stifled to death.


My suspicion is that Emily is with me, not because she likes me but because other people do and she likes that, because she believes that she has me right where she wants me. And I enjoy spending time with her, which happens all the time. But the nagging feeling is that I'm settling for being taken for granted when the possibility exists that I could be in a better relationship. I enjoy having someone to spend time with, its good.

I haven't really given it too much thought, but I know dating A.J. would wreck Emily. Even though we click better and relate better, it just seems wrong to me. The funny thing is that they both talk trash about each other when their with only me.

Jae is simply out of reach. But to me she represents the concept that I can be understood and loved and appreciated for who I am.


Is it worth it to let go of what I have in the hopes of having something more, or should I simply be content with the situation I'm already in?
 
Sep 10, 2013
1,428
19
0
#2
I haven't really given it too much thought, but I know dating A.J. would wreck Emily. Even though we click better and relate better, it just seems wrong to me. The funny thing is that they both talk trash about each other when their with only me.
Why would it wreck Emily if she is in love with a vegetarian? I think it would be selfish from her part to be against you dating her sister.

Jae is simply out of reach. But to me she represents the concept that I can be understood and loved and appreciated for who I am.
If I was a man, I would want to be with this kind of woman.

Is it worth it to let go of what I have in the hopes of having something more, or should I simply be content with the situation I'm already in?
...
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#3
Why would it wreck Emily if she is in love with a vegetarian? I think it would be selfish from her part to be against you dating her sister.



If I was a man, I would want to be with this kind of woman.



...
I thought he was a valedictorian.
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#5
:))))))))))) sorry! I read shalowly and I saw vegetarian instead of Veterinarian :)))))).
Does this mean he won't speak at graduation?
 
Sep 10, 2013
1,428
19
0
#6
Does this mean he won't speak at graduation?
:)))))).
I thought that you thought he ment "veteran". I never heard of valedictorian and thought that this is how you, americans, refer to veterans of war.
Now I understand everything!
:))))))) Sorry for the confusion! No, he is probably not going to give any speech at graduation, not about war, at least :p. Maybe he will give a speech about a dog he operated. :))))
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,359
113
#7
Seems only right for another INTJ girl to chime in here:

Don't date Emily. You have already determined that that has little chance of working out and would feel like settling for second best. That sounds like very fertile soil for resentment and bitterness to grow. If you feel the need to bring this up to her to let her know you are no longer interested, maybe just a comment that you are now glad that she turned you down when you asked her out several months ago. It honestly sounds like the two of you may have established the kind of pseudo relationship that you will have to give up when one of you starts dating someone, so prepare for and expect that too.

If there is any sort of sisterly competition over you affections or attention stay away from both AJ and Emily romantically. If they will trash talk each other behind their backs, they will end up trashing you behind your back (if they don't already).

I'd highly recommend talking to Jae and asking if there is anyway you could make it work if you know she is really the one you want. We INTJ's are pretty good problem solvers and strategists and she can probably take the question, analyze, and come to a rational conclusion. If she wants you and there's a way to make it work, she'll help you figure something out.

You can't get something better until you let go of what you already have. The choice is yours: risk or settle?
 
Sep 10, 2013
1,428
19
0
#8
Kenthomas27,

I got tears in my eyes from too much laugh!
 
K

kenthomas27

Guest
#9
:)))))).
I thought that you thought he ment "veteran". I never heard of valedictorian and thought that this is how you, americans, refer to veterans of war.
Now I understand everything!
:))))))) Sorry for the confusion! No, he is probably not going to give any speech at graduation, not about war, at least :p. Maybe he will give a speech about a dog he operated. :))))
He was a veteran too?? So he was first in his class, a vet, a vegetarian, and a veteran of war? I'm going to have to go along with Emily on this one.
 
D

Donkeyfish07

Guest
#10
My suspicion is that Emily is with me, not because she likes me but because other people do and she likes that, because she believes that she has me right where she wants me. And I enjoy spending time with her, which happens all the time. But the nagging feeling is that I'm settling for being taken for granted when the possibility exists that I could be in a better relationship. I enjoy having someone to spend time with, its good.

I haven't really given it too much thought, but I know dating A.J. would wreck Emily. Even though we click better and relate better, it just seems wrong to me. The funny thing is that they both talk trash about each other when their with only me.

Is it worth it to let go of what I have in the hopes of having something more, or should I simply be content with the situation I'm already in?
Well my two cents, is it seems like your in somewhat of the friendzone with Emily (Second string boyfriend is a way to put it I suppose), I would have never let that happen. When I asked her out, if she said no I would have said something along the lines of "I respect that but I am waaaay to into you to be just friends so that definitely isn't going to work for me, we can't go there either". It's a preventative measure, it's 100% effective and you will never be friendzoned again.

As far as the bold part and what to do now, I honestly have no clue. Never been in a situation quite like the one you are in. Just a little food for thought, it's not like these ladies are the only ones on the planet. There are other choices out there, you don't necessarily have to pick just between the ones you listed in the OP.
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
#11
I agree with Cinder (and coincidentally I'm a INTJ as well, so us INTJ girls have to stick together. We're a rare breed I'm told.)

But in all seriousness, what would you tell another person if they were in the same position as you?
Based on what you're saying, I'm assuming you're not into long-distance relationships. Why?
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#12
I'm in a strange relationship.

Girl A: I will call her Emily (ISFJ)

Girl B: I will call her A.J. (ENTJ)

Girl C: I will call her Aprilia (ENFJ)

Girl D: I will call Jae (INTJ)

I hang out with Emily and her sister A.J. every weekend. About 3 months ago, I asked Emily out and she said, she was honored but alas no. Yet, we still wind up doing all the coupley things that I would expect in a relationship ie long phone calls, hugs, movies, working out etc etc. She thinks I'm a little weird because she doesn't get a lot of my jokes, references, symbolism or any deeper stuff. After getting to know her more, I realize that she isn't really my type, and it would take a lot A LOT of patience from both of us to make something like this work out. She frowns upon a lot of the stuff I do, but likes me enough to spend all of her free time with me.

A.J. is Emily's sister. (ENTJ) Very smart, gets my jokes, really competitive, curious, adventurous and in general aimlessly ambitious and wildly successful in whatever she does. She is their father's favorite. A.J. gets it, me, everything. But she just headed to the south for the summer. She left me with a I'm going to be lonely without you, wish you were here, take care of my sister while I'm gone thing. She is in college at BSU and I've helped her write a couple of papers, cause I'm good at that sort of thing and she appreciates my strengths.

My best friend female friend confidant person Aprilia basically said that my pseudo relationship is one where Emily is keeping me as her 2nd string boyfriend, if something else doesn't come up. Sort of like a friend box but, with the hope that we grow closer over time, eventually to become something more or hoping that she can change me into something she likes more.

A.J. hinted that her sister Emily had a crush on some Veterinarian guy and that isn't going as well as she had planned.

Meanwhile back at the Ranch. I was wondering, if this pseudo relationship were to develop into something more, how would that work? I was considering all the details and stuff, when a girl I had a crush on for a long time, messages me. We had talked a lot before and This girl, Jae (INTJ) really gets me, it, everything and feels it the way I do. But all the miles that separate us and our lives mean that just because we would, doesn't mean we should. Jae is someone I could pour my heart into and rather than getting weirded out, or overloaded, she could make something really beautiful out of it. But talking with her made me realize that Emily could never be someone I fall madly in love with. Ours would be a relationship of Duty and Utility. Anything that deviates from the norm of social expectations of hearth and home would be seen as weird or stifled to death.


My suspicion is that Emily is with me, not because she likes me but because other people do and she likes that, because she believes that she has me right where she wants me. And I enjoy spending time with her, which happens all the time. But the nagging feeling is that I'm settling for being taken for granted when the possibility exists that I could be in a better relationship. I enjoy having someone to spend time with, its good.

I haven't really given it too much thought, but I know dating A.J. would wreck Emily. Even though we click better and relate better, it just seems wrong to me. The funny thing is that they both talk trash about each other when their with only me.

Jae is simply out of reach. But to me she represents the concept that I can be understood and loved and appreciated for who I am.


Is it worth it to let go of what I have in the hopes of having something more, or should I simply be content with the situation I'm already in?


If Emily is just your friend then she shouldn't have a problem with you dating her sister. If she does then she must have real feelings for you.

If this feel's to complicated or stressful, I would remain friends with both and not pursue a romantic relationship.
 
N

Nodmyheadlikeyeah

Guest
#13
After i figure out this bird metaphor i'll give you some good......or maybe... not so good advice??
 
R

Raine

Guest
#14
If I was in your position, I would go for Jae! When you are with someone you click with well, all life's challenges are a little easier. And if you truly enjoy the connection you two have, and she does as well, you'll find a way to make it work.
 

CatHerder

Senior Member
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#15
from the way you wrote it all down, "Jae" seems the best choice, but I think you knew we'd say that.

Did you just want confirmation? Sometimes we need to hear what we already know.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#16
OK I re read your post, I was confused, Jae isn't a sister. Go for Jae, stay out of the Yah Yah Sisterhood and go for Jae!
 

Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#17
Jae lives too far away and her circumstance dictate that if we were involved I would move there over the course of the adventure.

Also I've had a bad track record for distance, so its pretty much off the table.


And as someone else said, there are other fish in the sea. Its just that I want one like Jae, because she exists I know such a thing is possible.
 

just_monicat

Senior Member
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#18
this has all the making for a telanovela! : )

clearly, you already know that a relationship with emily should be off the table. there's nothing worse that settling for the wrong relationship, especially when you have this kind of awareness from the outset.

it sounds like the only good option here is AJ, and if you're even thinking of her as a good option, straightening things out with emily should be a priority.

i think that your friend aprilia is possibly right about emily. there's at least a couple really compelling reason to give strong consideration to whether you should be spending so much time with emily now that you've found new lucidity in what a relationship with her would be like. or at least, spending time with her until you're satisfied that things are more understood between the both of you.

i think it's reasonable to consider that she could be a very "slow burner", and still sorting out how she feels about you (or a relationship in general), spending all this time together could yield a scenario where you've become clear that you two aren't right together, while she's simultaneously (finally) figuring out that you'd be good boyfriend material and decided that she wants something more. i think the fact that she spends SO much time with you reveals that she believes developing a close relationship with you is a priority, and i don't think most of us (usually) seek out/form opposite sex relationships for the purpose of being (only) good friends.

i've actually been in a very similar scenario -- by the time i had developed strong feelings for him, he'd already decided that i didn't really care that much about him (in a romantic sense) and had sort of moved on emotionally. that "slow burn" could really be enhanced by this distraction from the veterinarian. if she had those feelings first for him, some of us just take some time to resolve that distraction/attraction before moving on. i've never been one to manage simultaneous attractions/romantic feelings, but from the outside it could certainly look as though someone is just keeping a "back-up boyfriend".

it sounds like you've never really had a super honest conversation with emily about this sort of thing, but maybe it's worthwhile to hear where she's coming from, or fish for a segue to get more honesty. also, pulling back a bit might provide the onus to have that conversation. making sure she's not expecting more from you should be a priority if you continue to spend all this time with her.

perhaps if you create a little distance between yourself and emily, pursuing something with AJ wouldn't feel so wrong? considering you've never actually been romantically linked with emily, i don't think that pursuing AJ would be in terrible form, especially if it was handled with some finesse.

AJ being away might provide a means to explore a different angle to the relationship with her, in a low-key, even (initially) ambiguous way.

sorry this is so long! if i had more time, it'd be shorter. : ) i hope this helps a little bit.
 
Last edited:

CatHerder

Senior Member
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#19
Jae lives too far away and her circumstance dictate that if we were involved I would move there over the course of the adventure.

Also I've had a bad track record for distance, so its pretty much off the table.


And as someone else said, there are other fish in the sea. Its just that I want one like Jae, because she exists I know such a thing is possible.
You say you have a bad track record for lomg distance relationships...what if that is because they were the wrong relationships?
Your feelings for "Jae" seemed to have suvived time and distance.
 

just_monicat

Senior Member
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#20
Jae lives too far away and her circumstance dictate that if we were involved I would move there over the course of the adventure.

Also I've had a bad track record for distance, so its pretty much off the table.


And as someone else said, there are other fish in the sea. Its just that I want one like Jae, because she exists I know such a thing is possible.
to validate that, i think having a "jae" in our lives is really important. they seem to provide a powerful means of calibrating our "picker". it's easy to (over time) forget what powerful chemistry or compatibility feels and looks like.

i have a couple "jae"s in my life. one is married, one not, but really not a suitable option either -- but still good for me to be around from time to time.