Anyone a divorcee?

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Stephy13

New member
Aug 12, 2019
5
4
3
#1
If so, how did you get thru it and heal?
I’m not sure if this is the correct forum for this question.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
11,306
5,709
113
#2
Hello and welcome, Stephy13!

As your title specifies female divorce survivors, I'll leave the comments to the ladies. There are several divorced men in this group, myself included. And yes, this is an appropriate forum for your question. :)
 

Stephy13

New member
Aug 12, 2019
5
4
3
#3
My husband just filed for divorce but I haven’t been served yet. We started dating when I was 18, so I’m learning I have to remember and figure out who I am again.

I also have to find a job and a place to live. So much stress. And on top of that I feel lonely and don’t want to run into a new relationship too fast.





Hello and welcome, Stephy13!

As your title specifies female divorce survivors, I'll leave the comments to the ladies. There are several divorced men in this group, myself included. And yes, this is an appropriate forum for your question. :)
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
11,306
5,709
113
#4
My husband just filed for divorce but I haven’t been served yet. We started dating when I was 18, so I’m learning I have to remember and figure out who I am again.

I also have to find a job and a place to live. So much stress. And on top of that I feel lonely and don’t want to run into a new relationship too fast.
I'm sorry to hear that. Divorce is a terrible evil, but with the Lord's help, you'll survive and come through it. All that stress at once can be very traumatic. May the Lord provide for your needs and give you guidance and peace. Ask for help from your church as well, if you attend one.

May I suggest that you sign up for the daily devotional from DivorceCare.org. It has a lot of relevant information along with an encouraging message for you each day.

I don't mean to be insensitive by asking this, but have you trusted in Jesus Christ for salvation?
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
29,081
7,490
113
64
Florida
#5
Quite a few peeps here that have experienced the pain of divorce so please know that you're not alone in this. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support, and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you as part of our community. Welcome to CC
 

Stephy13

New member
Aug 12, 2019
5
4
3
#6
Yes I have!
I wouldn’t have been able to get thru the last few weeks without him.

I have spoken to a few at my church too


I'm sorry to hear that. Divorce is a terrible evil, but with the Lord's help, you'll survive and come through it. All that stress at once can be very traumatic. May the Lord provide for your needs and give you guidance and peace. Ask for help from your church as well, if you attend one.

May I suggest that you sign up for the daily devotional from DivorceCare.org. It has a lot of relevant information along with an encouraging message for you each day.

I don't mean to be insensitive by asking this, but have you trusted in Jesus Christ for salvation?
 

oldethennew

Senior Member
Feb 28, 2016
9,441
1,790
113
#7
divorce is a devil word, made-up by him in order to separate kin and kindred spirits...

he only desires to divide and separate us/families from our Heavenly Father and His Holy will!

we're here to fight - win the 'war', defeat the 'wily-one' with the tools that you recognize and are
able to take a-hold of and USE...

read The one and only true Book that teaches us how to survive in this wicked-unholy world' - it's the ONLY WAY!!!
AMEN!!!
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,485
1,251
113
#8
I also have to find a job and a place to live. So much stress. And on top of that I feel lonely and don’t want to run into a new relationship too fast.
Why are you even thinking about that already? You haven't been served yet and are already thinking about the mistake of getting into a new relationship. You are off to a bad start. The Last thing on your mind should be a new relationship.
Divorce can take years to recover from, to be healthy enough to even consider dating again. Of course it can vary, but given how you're speaking about your situation, i believe it's a safe bet to say years. It's estimated five years is the, general time, that's ideal to wait after a divorce to begin dating again.
So my advice to you (as one who became Very serious with someone who didn't have enough time to recover from their divorce and was deeply hurt in the long run) stop letting the idea of dating be anywhere near you right now. It is actually detrimental to your healing.
Also the notion stunts your ability to 'find yourself' because rather than doing just that, your mind is already in the direction of finding your identity through relationships again.
There is no rush or need to get with anyone else, and after a while you may find you enjoy being on your own.

The good news is, though, you will get through it. And if you take healthy steps you can get past it and one day learn to lead a happy, healthy and fulfilling life. It's a long, hard road and it will be painful, but it's only temporary.
 

Leastamongmany

Well-known member
Jun 2, 2019
3,270
1,256
113
Usa
#9
Welcome to cc Stephy. Blessing! Looking forward to getting to know you here!
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
455
420
63
#10
Hi Stephy. I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. Yes I am divorced. No one could have told me it would happen to me. I was broken and felt abandoned by my church. I was devastated. I thought it meant that God didn't want me anymore. Before I hosted bible study, led women's studies and thought we had a Christ centered home. Afterwards I did not feel welcomed to serve, even though I wasn't the one who left. Here is the good news. God held me through the pain when I couldn't stop crying. I had a hard time leaving the house for the first four months as I'd spontaneously start sobbing. I felt shame and bewilderment. It was a shock and I remained in shock for a while. I believed if I "did everything right" that I'd be blessed and this couldn't happen. That thinking, I found out, wasn't biblical. In truth, all through the bible, people had broken lives and ended up in situations they couldn't have imagined. God did bring light in the very dark places. I didn't sail through it. I did the Divorce Care classes and the best thing that happened was one exchange. I asked one of the leaders when it would stop hurting and I'd be back to normal. He looked at me and said, "Don't kid yourself. This will leave scars. " I don't know what I expected but that wasn't it, and yet it saved me. I needed to hear that to understand my new normal. I beat myself up wondering where I failed and my new pastor, said to me, "You don't wear the guilt of other peoples' sins (paraphrase). The divorce came through 8 years ago and I'm still single. I don't love it but you embrace the beauty you do have. Hugs, Deb
 

Stephy13

New member
Aug 12, 2019
5
4
3
#11
Somehow, hearing that it will leave scars feels good to hear. Thank you
 

4Trinity

New member
Aug 17, 2019
13
7
3
#12
I’ve been divorced for the past 7 years. It does get better; however I haven’t dated because I wasn’t ready. I feel really grounded and if the opportunity comes along I would love to date again.
 

kinda

Senior Member
Jun 26, 2013
631
201
43
#13
Here is encouraging video on going through hurt.

 

17Bees

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2016
537
251
63
33
#14
Hi Stephy. I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. Yes I am divorced. No one could have told me it would happen to me. I was broken and felt abandoned by my church. I was devastated. I thought it meant that God didn't want me anymore. Before I hosted bible study, led women's studies and thought we had a Christ centered home. Afterwards I did not feel welcomed to serve, even though I wasn't the one who left. Here is the good news. God held me through the pain when I couldn't stop crying. I had a hard time leaving the house for the first four months as I'd spontaneously start sobbing. I felt shame and bewilderment. It was a shock and I remained in shock for a while. I believed if I "did everything right" that I'd be blessed and this couldn't happen. That thinking, I found out, wasn't biblical. In truth, all through the bible, people had broken lives and ended up in situations they couldn't have imagined. God did bring light in the very dark places. I didn't sail through it. I did the Divorce Care classes and the best thing that happened was one exchange. I asked one of the leaders when it would stop hurting and I'd be back to normal. He looked at me and said, "Don't kid yourself. This will leave scars. " I don't know what I expected but that wasn't it, and yet it saved me. I needed to hear that to understand my new normal. I beat myself up wondering where I failed and my new pastor, said to me, "You don't wear the guilt of other peoples' sins (paraphrase). The divorce came through 8 years ago and I'm still single. I don't love it but you embrace the beauty you do have. Hugs, Deb
I miss all this good stuff. This was hard to read, but it was sooo honest and I had a too brief look at the long time you went through this. It was sad but so victorious. You're a Joan of Ark laughheart. A St. Perpetua, my guardian saint.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
4,312
1,677
113
#15
No but I know several divorcees, except I never really ask them about why they got divorced.is it rude to ask? Or do we just assume that the other person was unfaithful. I think in all the cases I know the person (female) was cheated on, but if they tell you some other reason or dont want to talk about it, sometimes i suspect that they might have been the ones who were unfaithful. Is it wrong to think this?

I dont know, what do you say and is it rude or fair to ask a divorcee why? Its a painful topic and i think some are tempted to either blame themselves or say well I just couldnt go on living with the other person cos they were just HORRIBLE. Is a divorcee someone who leaves or is it someone whos abandoned?
 

kinda

Senior Member
Jun 26, 2013
631
201
43
#16
No but I know several divorcees, except I never really ask them about why they got divorced.is it rude to ask? Or do we just assume that the other person was unfaithful. I think in all the cases I know the person (female) was cheated on, but if they tell you some other reason or dont want to talk about it, sometimes i suspect that they might have been the ones who were unfaithful. Is it wrong to think this?

I dont know, what do you say and is it rude or fair to ask a divorcee why? Its a painful topic and i think some are tempted to either blame themselves or say well I just couldnt go on living with the other person cos they were just HORRIBLE. Is a divorcee someone who leaves or is it someone whos abandoned?
Personally, I think it depends if the other person is willing to share. Usually if there are close to you, they tell you wether you ask or not in my experience. Just remember there are probably three sides to the story. His side, her side, and the whole truth. Hearing both sides will give you a balance view, then you will probably draw your own conclusions on what really happened. Financial stress is a major reason for sour relationships.

By the way, do think people are gonna be completely honest with you when they tell you why their marriage failed? Is there a small possibility that their side of the story will be biased and might not mention how they contributed to the destruction of the relationship?

As far as men cheating on their wives, to balance out that view, I have heard of many instances where the wife will withhold sex for any reason. Ever heard of the phrase, your sleeping on the couch tonight?

One of my favorite pastors is Doug Bachelor and he said something to the effect, it's easier to have a baby than to get a drivers license. Driving a car is a big responsibility, but raising children is far more difficult than driving a car. It's very common for people to have children without marriage, at least with marriage you have a license, and commitment by two people to stick it out through thick and thin. Hopefully, I quoted Doug correctly, the guy is filled with wisdom.

How much training is given to the couple before marriage? Next to none? Is there a written and practical test that couples must pass by an institution before the license is given out? No? Why don't they just had out drivers licenses, if marriage licenses are just handed out? Which do you think is more difficult, driving a car, or being married, and having children?

Just remember you can choose not to drive a car in the future, but your spouse/children are gonna be there the next day, wether you have the energy, patience, time, desire, or money to afford them.

Why is it that divorce rate is so high, when people have been more educated than their grandparents?

"In 1940, the rate was two divorces per 1,000 people, but reached 3.4 in 1947."

divorce rate in the 1940's

Divorce rate now is around 50%. Has education failed us? Is it modern culture? You can draw your own conclusions as to why, but the idea of marriage today sounds like a bad decision. Maybe in the 40's it made sense, but not now, and not any time soon. Just my view.

1566482691891.jpeg
 

kinda

Senior Member
Jun 26, 2013
631
201
43
#17
I found a better site regarding divorce statistics. Good news for those that are college educated, religious, 25 and over, come from a good family, and make over 50k a year.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Divorce Prevention Statistics
The 2011 State of our Unions report also provides statistical information concerning the best ways to prevent a divorce. This report states:

  • If you have an annual income of over $50,000, your risk of divorce decreases by 30%.
  • If you wait to marry until you're over 25 years of age, your risk of divorce decreases by 24%.
  • If your parents are happily married, your risk of divorce decreases by 14%.
  • If you have strong religious beliefs, your risk of divorce decreases by 14%.
  • If you've attended college, your risk of divorce decreases by 13%.
https://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Divorce_Statistics
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One could formulate a theory that if a person wanting to get married doesn't have at least 3 out of the 5 statistics above, they would be a high risk for divorce.

Website above also indicates that divorce rate dramatically increased in the 1970's.

Allow me to cherry pick some facts from history.

In 1962, prayer was taken from school
In 1970, public schools without prayer. Same decade divorce dramatically increased.
In 1980, the Ten Commandments were taken from public schools.

What do we get with 20 years of no prayer and forgetting God's laws?

In 1999, The Columbine Shooting massacre took place. Killers targeted Christians and minorities.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
4,312
1,677
113
#18
Personally, I think it depends if the other person is willing to share. Usually if there are close to you, they tell you wether you ask or not in my experience. Just remember there are probably three sides to the story. His side, her side, and the whole truth. Hearing both sides will give you a balance view, then you will probably draw your own conclusions on what really happened. Financial stress is a major reason for sour relationships.

By the way, do think people are gonna be completely honest with you when they tell you why their marriage failed? Is there a small possibility that their side of the story will be biased and might not mention how they contributed to the destruction of the relationship?

As far as men cheating on their wives, to balance out that view, I have heard of many instances where the wife will withhold sex for any reason. Ever heard of the phrase, your sleeping on the couch tonight?

One of my favorite pastors is Doug Bachelor and he said something to the effect, it's easier to have a baby than to get a drivers license. Driving a car is a big responsibility, but raising children is far more difficult than driving a car. It's very common for people to have children without marriage, at least with marriage you have a license, and commitment by two people to stick it out through thick and thin. Hopefully, I quoted Doug correctly, the guy is filled with wisdom.

How much training is given to the couple before marriage? Next to none? Is there a written and practical test that couples must pass by an institution before the license is given out? No? Why don't they just had out drivers licenses, if marriage licenses are just handed out? Which do you think is more difficult, driving a car, or being married, and having children?

Just remember you can choose not to drive a car in the future, but your spouse/children are gonna be there the next day, wether you have the energy, patience, time, desire, or money to afford them.

Why is it that divorce rate is so high, when people have been more educated than their grandparents?

"In 1940, the rate was two divorces per 1,000 people, but reached 3.4 in 1947."

divorce rate in the 1940's

Divorce rate now is around 50%. Has education failed us? Is it modern culture? You can draw your own conclusions as to why, but the idea of marriage today sounds like a bad decision. Maybe in the 40's it made sense, but not now, and not any time soon. Just my view.

View attachment 203081
With divorce rates these days not sure why people want to get married and go in unlrepared. IMHO just seems really...foolish. The phrase, marry in haste, repent at leisure is true. Te the children who are most affected cos they have to constsntly bounce around between mum and dad n two different homes, maybe even more.

I dont expect a completely honest answer of why a divorcee is divorced which is why I dont really ask. They might tell you anyway. Some people are just separated and not actually divorced, cos it costs too much to divorce. They need to change their name and everything.

I asked my former boss, and he told me some story how his ex wife was mentally ill or something, wouldnt say what exactly it was, but I thought you married someone in sickness and in health.
As for financial reasons, arent you meant to marry for richer or for poorer?
And also in terms of afultery, you are meant to forsake all others.

I just dont get why people say these vows and then dont honor them and break them. They are VOWs people.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
4,312
1,677
113
#19
People might sleep on the couch when they are drunk though. I dont really hear about that, but if someone doesnt want to sleep with their own spouse there could be other reasons like...they snore. Or they dont bother to have a shower before they go to bed.

Anyway sorry carry on. I dont know how divorcees really cope when the other person breaks their promises. I think I would feel foolish for having married them on the first place. I probably would repent for being taken in. The divorcees i know some go back to live with their parents. Or they get help from the govt. Or they just try and do everything on their own, sometimes exhausting their friends with their demands. Divorcees, you need to rely on God. He hates divorce as much as you do. HE will help you. Pray for your ex.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
11,306
5,709
113
#20
I found a better site regarding divorce statistics. Good news for those that are college educated, religious, 25 and over, come from a good family, and make over 50k a year.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Divorce Prevention Statistics
The 2011 State of our Unions report also provides statistical information concerning the best ways to prevent a divorce. This report states:

  • If you have an annual income of over $50,000, your risk of divorce decreases by 30%.
  • If you wait to marry until you're over 25 years of age, your risk of divorce decreases by 24%.
  • If your parents are happily married, your risk of divorce decreases by 14%.
  • If you have strong religious beliefs, your risk of divorce decreases by 14%.
  • If you've attended college, your risk of divorce decreases by 13%.
If only a combination of all of the above reduced the risk by 95%.

I've said it before and may say it again: being unhappily single is far better than being unhappily married.