Apparently I can't get married

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Apr 17, 2018
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#1
I'm Catholic and I never want children. My reasons why because I don't have the patience for children, I have anxiety and really bad depression. I got told today by an elderly friend who was a nun for over 40 years that it's my duty to have children and I can't get married unless I have them. I think it's wrong to dictate whether or not a person has children or not.
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#2
I'm Catholic and I never want children. My reasons why because I don't have the patience for children, I have anxiety and really bad depression. I got told today by an elderly friend who was a nun for over 40 years that it's my duty to have children and I can't get married unless I have them. I think it's wrong to dictate whether or not a person has children or not.
I don't know where the nun got that idea. It's certainly not in the bible.

On another note, I feel I should warn you that this site doesn't consider catholics as christians. I'm catholic too, but I keep it to myself here because I've had more than my share of drama about it. I used to post here a lot but now I hardly ever do. Hope you enjoy your stay though.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
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#4
I'm Catholic and I never want children. My reasons why because I don't have the patience for children, I have anxiety and really bad depression. I got told today by an elderly friend who was a nun for over 40 years that it's my duty to have children and I can't get married unless I have them. I think it's wrong to dictate whether or not a person has children or not.
Some people are unable to have children due to medical reasons. I wonder whether the nun would consider them ineligible for marriage. Sadly, most find out after they are married and are trying to have children.

As ZT said, the nun's views are not biblically sound. While as a Catholic you may feel that her words have authority over you, I would encourage you to take the issue to God directly.

Anxiety and depression are serious conditions in themselves. Jesus can set you free of both, but until He does, either one could be devastating to a marriage. May I suggest that you seek professional help for these conditions before seeking a husband. :)
 

Margo74

Active member
Jul 11, 2019
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#6
This is a difficult issue. On the one hand, having sexual relationships outside marriage is sinful for any Christian but once married, sexual relationships are not sinful and the primary purpose for sexual relationships is for procreation. Thus, a married Catholic who practises sex in marriage must do nothing to inhibit pregnancy BUT even though using any form of birth control is prohibited, the RCC has always advocated using the "rhythm" method (I think that is what it is called .. I am 74 and my memory fails me from time to time). Anyway, the method I am referring to is having sex at the time when you will not become pregnant. For some women, such timing would be quite predictable but for others, it would be more difficult to determine. It is not a foolproof method either. Also, I so think some men and women are not meant to marry or to be parents. If two marry but do not wish to have children, your reason for not wishing to parent children is very reasonable and should be honoured by the RCC and any other denomination. If you have not already done so, discuss your reasons for not wishing to have children when married in the RCC with your priest or even with the Bishop of your diocese. I really do think you should be granted your request and still be allowed to marry in the RCC as long as your husband is in agreement. May God bless and guide you in your search and do not just give up. Perhaps, if your husband to be agrees, you would be allowed to have sexual relationships within marriage and become pregnant and give birth to the child and then give him/her up for adoption if you think it unadvisable for you to raise the child.
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
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#7
I'm Catholic and I never want children. My reasons why because I don't have the patience for children, I have anxiety and really bad depression. I got told today by an elderly friend who was a nun for over 40 years that it's my duty to have children and I can't get married unless I have them. I think it's wrong to dictate whether or not a person has children or not.
I think we got right to the root of the problem when you said, "I'm Catholic."
:)
Most people here are Protestant, and most of us like Catholic individuals just fine;
what we have a problem with are certain doctrinal teachings of the Catholic church.

As you can see, some of those doctrinal teachings really do affect normal daily life.
They matter.

There are a lot of wise older women around here, who would be happy to come along side you and help you sort through things. Please take some time to get to know them.

(And I didn't say "old women", I said "older women"... that could many anything..... so all you gals relax.)
.
 

Margo74

Active member
Jul 11, 2019
147
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#8
Maxwel, if you ever reference my posts, you can just refer to me as "old" as I am old when it suits me and not so when it doesn't .. lol
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
6,772
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#9
I'm Catholic and I never want children. My reasons why because I don't have the patience for children, I have anxiety and really bad depression. I got told today by an elderly friend who was a nun for over 40 years that it's my duty to have children and I can't get married unless I have them. I think it's wrong to dictate whether or not a person has children or not.

I'm an ex - catholic . was an altar boy for 10 years and i still have an uncle who is a priest.. Anyway Upon reading the Bible i left the catholic church and became a Bible believing Christian.. I have no personal problem with catholics.. My dad and mom are still catholics and some of my brothers and sisters are still catholics.. I do however have a big problem with the catholic religon seeing how it is traditions based rather then Biblical based..

So you have come forward with a problem.. A problem based on at tradition of the catholic church delivered to you by a woman who was a nun for 40 years that it is a sin that you have chosen not to have Children..

I guess the Nun has never read the Apostles Pauls writings.. A man who remained single in his life..

1 Corinthians 7: KJV
6 "But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. {7} For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. {8} I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. {9} But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn."

So your traditions indoctrinated ex Nun will have to condemn Paul for advising people to remain single if they can control ( contain) themselves..

The Word of God is good in both leading to understanding and defending from false doctrines..
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,693
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#10
Maxwel, if you ever reference my posts, you can just refer to me as "old" as I am old when it suits me and not so when it doesn't .. lol
I wouldn't dare.
.
 

SoulWeaver

Senior Member
Oct 25, 2014
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#11
Isaiah 56:3 Neither let the son of the stranger, that hath joined himself to the LORD, speak, saying, The LORD hath utterly separated me from his people: neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree.
4 For thus saith the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant;
5 Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off.

We are out of the Old testament but God never changes. Those who obey God shall reap their eternal reward. Based on the above Scriptures, reproducing seems an irrelevant matter to God when it comes to salvation. He just wants us to follow Him. Does God who fostered us all our of His own free will seem like a person who does forced family planning for His followers? That sounds toxic. God is not a controlling micro-manager. The only case if you not having children would be a sin, is if you in your heart think it is so. Read Romans 14.
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
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#12
I think that someone who judges another for not having children during marriage is probably also under the idea they would too only marry to have children. Neither idea is good
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
1,876
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#13
I'm Catholic and I never want children. My reasons why because I don't have the patience for children, I have anxiety and really bad depression. I got told today by an elderly friend who was a nun for over 40 years that it's my duty to have children and I can't get married unless I have them. I think it's wrong to dictate whether or not a person has children or not.
I'm confused. A nun told you it is your duty to have children?

I thought nuns had taken vows of celibacy? Or possibly a strong commitment to chastity if you don't want to use the term vow.

There are many things I agree with catholics about and plenty that I don't. A lot of times I think it's a heart issue to my disagreements (as well as certain doctrinal issues that are irrelevant to the topic). Pharasaical legalism is the biggest disagreement in terms of procreative "duty". Certainly it is a "commission" of sorts in scripture but one can also be barren, widowed, a eunuch, or consecrate themselves to the Lord. This is not just a personal decision but the Lord's decision...I personally feel like it will be clear enough what his will is. Who though...that's a different story altogether :p

I do agree that procreation is an "aspect" of marriage but isn't the sole element. Not sure what they say about that though. Pretty sure it's a sacrament right?


If you burn, marry. If not, no worries. Seems simple enough...if you have a "drive" it seems simple enough that it's on the table. Not a veritable certainty...I do think you have to make a choice. For some it falls together neatly and others it does not. Being single and unmarried my views are subject to change about the "how" ofc ha.

That other stuff sounds like something you need to pray about. Plenty of people don't get married because of hang ups and if you REALLY didn't want children you could wait until after menopause.

I know someone that seemed to be entirely devoid of patience and when she was unexpectedly pregnant (leastways I didn't think the timing was planned). From my view she has a large well-spring of patience I had no idea she had.

Motherhood has a mysterious effect so don't discount that.


I think a husbands decision should be factored into any discussion on procreation of course...kind of a linchpin.
 

Margo74

Active member
Jul 11, 2019
147
59
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#15
I'm confused. A nun told you it is your duty to have children?

I thought nuns had taken vows of celibacy? Or possibly a strong commitment to chastity if you don't want to use the term vow.

There are many things I agree with catholics about and plenty that I don't. A lot of times I think it's a heart issue to my disagreements (as well as certain doctrinal issues that are irrelevant to the topic). Pharasaical legalism is the biggest disagreement in terms of procreative "duty". Certainly it is a "commission" of sorts in scripture but one can also be barren, widowed, a eunuch, or consecrate themselves to the Lord. This is not just a personal decision but the Lord's decision...I personally feel like it will be clear enough what his will is. Who though...that's a different story altogether :p

I do agree that procreation is an "aspect" of marriage but isn't the sole element. Not sure what they say about that though. Pretty sure it's a sacrament right?


If you burn, marry. If not, no worries. Seems simple enough...if you have a "drive" it seems simple enough that it's on the table. Not a veritable certainty...I do think you have to make a choice. For some it falls together neatly and others it does not. Being single and unmarried my views are subject to change about the "how" ofc ha.

That other stuff sounds like something you need to pray about. Plenty of people don't get married because of hang ups and if you REALLY didn't want children you could wait until after menopause.

I know someone that seemed to be entirely devoid of patience and when she was unexpectedly pregnant (leastways I didn't think the timing was planned). From my view she has a large well-spring of patience I had no idea she had.

Motherhood has a mysterious effect so don't discount that.


I think a husbands decision should be factored into any discussion on procreation of course...kind of a linchpin.
Yes, the husband must agree with what you wish. In marriage, two will become one spiritually, so for either to insist on any aspect without the other's agreement would be wrong (unless the one insisting is doing so based on refusing to be part of something illegal, immoral, or against one's beliefs).

Nuns are bound to vows of chastity as are priests so having any sexual relationships with same or opposite sex are prohibited so having children is not a concern for them.

I agree that Paul recommended staying single but that any feeling the need to be married should do so but Paul never addressed the issue of having children or not having them, so I do not think we can decide based on what he did say whether he was saying what married couples must do or not do as regards how and why they performed sexual relations within their marriages. It is God Who advocates procreation, so it would be with God that one would have to sort out any issues about procreating or not. Personally, I think God would want two to marry to fulfill their needs and that of procreation but if having children would possibly create a valid, not a selfish self-centred concern, I think God would want the couple to do what was truly best and He reads hearts so would know how sincere their decision and reasons for such would be and He would hold them accountable for such.

The consideration that one might believe he/she would be an abusive parent due to various reasons may actually be an invalid consideration in that getting married and the two becoming one and procreating to further God's Kingdom Plan might change one's preconceived idea and cause one to be a good - even great - parent. Of course, one can not know how such would work until one actually marries and becomes pregnant but when one is "with" God, all things are possible. For woman/man alone, not all is possible but with God, all is possible, so what God wills, God will help make happen as it should happen. And, in saying this, the marriage - any Christian marriage - is not just between the man and woman but includes God and if the man and woman do their part and "allow" God to do His part, all would work out as it should. By allowing God, I mean that God will not force Himself or His Will on anyone. It is our choice to do or not do His Will and to take the consequences for said decision.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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Tennessee
#16
I'm Catholic and I never want children. My reasons why because I don't have the patience for children, I have anxiety and really bad depression. I got told today by an elderly friend who was a nun for over 40 years that it's my duty to have children and I can't get married unless I have them. I think it's wrong to dictate whether or not a person has children or not.
It certainly is not your duty to have children and you can get married if you chose to do so making the choice as to whether or not to have children. To avoid problems in a possible marriage you would have to find out if any future spouse has their heart set on having kids.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#17
I don't know where the nun got that idea. It's certainly not in the bible.

On another note, I feel I should warn you that this site doesn't consider catholics as christians. I'm catholic too, but I keep it to myself here because I've had more than my share of drama about it. I used to post here a lot but now I hardly ever do. Hope you enjoy your stay though.
Fellow Catholic as well but no longer attend mass due to some doctrine and practice contrary to scripture. Any one born again is a Christian regardless of their denomination and in spite of what others may believe. You are right about the drama too. :)
 

kinda

Senior Member
Jun 26, 2013
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#19
I'm no expert on Catholicism, but I'm pretty sure there faith says, no sex in marriage, unless it procreates. I'm pretty sure Catholics believe they goto hell, if they divorce also....Correct me if I'm wrong. This Catholic guy I knew in school, who was married, didn't really like that aspect of the Catholic religion. That's the impression I got. Just like any faith, some are more devoted than others to the doctrines of the church, temple, or a synagogue.

Just so I don't get accused of preaching Catholicism, the Seventh Day Adventist Church thinks the pope is the anti-christ, and the Sunday sabbath is the mark of the beast. Not sure I agree with that also, but trying to bring balance.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
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#20
This is a difficult issue. On the one hand, having sexual relationships outside marriage is sinful for any Christian but once married, sexual relationships are not sinful and the primary purpose for sexual relationships is for procreation.
Hi Margo,
Regarding your statement in bold, could you please provide a biblical source to support it? Or, is it a Catholic doctrine that has no scriptural support?