Are People Addicted to Spilling Their Hearts to You? (Thoughts About Those with a "Counselor Calling.")

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
13,407
3,570
113
#1
Hey Everyone,

A recent conversation had me thinking.

One of the things brought up was the valid point that I was possibly setting up too high of a standard by saying that I try to stay clear of dating someone with an active, ongoing porn addiction. Now if it was someone who had victory in Jesus and had put it in the past, Glory Hallelujah, Praise Jesus -- I would definitely take that into consideration.

But if was like anything what I've dealt with in past relationships -- such as someone who was looking at all kinds of illicit materials and then seeking to act it out (in a big city where anything and everything was available) while also reading the Bible daily, I would have to pass, and here's part of the reason why.

From the time I was a kid, other kids, and even adults, have been confiding in me about the abuses they've gone through, whether as kids, adults, or within their marriages. Very often, they will tell me about the most painful thing they have been through, which was sexual abuse. It's happened so frequently and continues to happen (and both men and women tell me about this,) that I just figured it's part of what God has called me to do: listen to their pain, validate their feelings, reiterate that a horrible injustice was done to them in God's eyes, and pray for their healing.

Because of this, I feel that it's very important for me to try to stay away from certain things because these are the very things that often led to so many people being abused. Now of course, no one is perfect, least of all me, but I do believe that if God is calling me to help those who are abused, I have to make it a point to try my best to stay away from abusive materials.

We often talk about not being "unequally yoked" in terms of a believer and an unbeliever, but I think it's usually overlooked that two believers can be just as unequally yoked.

I know that for myself, if God is calling me to those who are trying to heal from sexual abuse, I could not marry and come home to someone who regularly entertains materials depicting what God sees as deviant sexual behaviors.

I am very interested in hearing from or about others who have a similar "counselor's calling" and how it has manifested in your life.

I'm starting off telling you about me because I think it's only fair that the OP be the first to share when asking others about themselves. And so, now that you know a little about what I believe God has called me to do, I would like to know about YOU.

* Do you believe you have a "counselor's calling"? Do people often share or open up to you about their lives? What do you feel God calls you to do in such situations? Do you ever wish you had a different calling?

* Have you ever developed romantic feelings for someone who confided in you? Did it last? Why or why not?

* Is there a specific area you feel God has called you to? (Such as in my example, abuse seems to be the most common thing people talk to me about.) Do you ever feel like you need to take precautions/avoid certain things because of your calling?

* Have you ever developed feelings for someone ELSE who was acting as a "counselor" to you? How did it go?

I'm asking this because in my experience, I have often found that people seem to mistake sharing pain (and feeling cared for) as falling in love, and I'm wondering what your experiences have been with this.

Looking forward to hearing others share their thoughts on this topic!
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
18,498
5,040
113
#2
Because of this, I feel that it's very important for me to try to stay away from certain things because these are the very things that often led to so many people being abused. Now of course, no one is perfect, least of all me, but I do believe that if God is calling me to help those who are abused, I have to make it a point to try my best to stay away from abusive materials.
That's not too high a standard. That's learning from the experience of others (and you know me, I'm all for learning from others' experience.) You have seen this situation go south for so many people - why would you want to step in this situation yourself?

If everybody I know gets mugged when they walk through a certain neighborhood, and if I don't have the resources to clean up that neighborhood on my own, I won't walk through that neighborhood.

* Do you believe you have a "counselor's calling"? Do people often share or open up to you about their lives? What do you feel God calls you to do in such situations? Do you ever wish you had a different calling?
Yes, I seem to attract confidences. Usually people just need a sounding board and work their problems out themselves without my input. (Then they thank me for my good advice.) =^.^=

* Have you ever developed romantic feelings for someone who confided in you? Did it last? Why or why not?
Nah, I figure they got enough problems already without taking me on.

* Is there a specific area you feel God has called you to? (Such as in my example, abuse seems to be the most common thing people talk to me about.) Do you ever feel like you need to take precautions/avoid certain things because of your calling?
I seem to get all kinds of problems. Never a shortage of people with problems who need to talk.

* Have you ever developed feelings for someone ELSE who was acting as a "counselor" to you? How did it go?
I don't talk much about my problems.

I'm asking this because in my experience, I have often found that people seem to mistake sharing pain (and feeling cared for) as falling in love, and I'm wondering what your experiences have been with this.
Which begs the question... has anybody who has shared her problems with me ever started thinking she was in love with me? I'm a guy and guys stereotypically don't notice that kind of thing anyway.

Nah. They would have said something if they were. I think. [/QUOTE]
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
18,498
5,040
113
#3
* Have you ever developed feelings for someone ELSE who was acting as a "counselor" to you? How did it go?
I don't talk much about my problems.
Rephrase: I don't have many problems to talk about. If I had the problems some people have I'd probably want to talk to somebody about them.
 
Aug 4, 2021
586
181
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#4
Yes, people did that to me to in the past. Free shrink. And not helpful to them to listen to it, and telling them what they want to hear. Not doing it anymore. Be awere that if you listen, you take up their cross to bear, and you have to carry it with them as long as they are in your life. As long as they live, they will cling to you because they shared their deepest secrets with you, and you have to be strong to end the relations. Not to mention it is a waste of good weed to get high and have to listen to such depressing stuff. Do not smoke weed anymore, do not listen to peoples sobstories anymore at all.

One question for you, to know if it is like my expirience, so my advice might be right for you. Do theese people tell you that they have tried therapy, but stopped? If so, they do not want to solve it, they are just addicted to the pain, and want to relive it, it seems. Depressed people who just wants to feel the misery, and wants others to share in it, bring you down to their lvel. A common disaster if you will. And they have probably told it too many before you, and feed of many like this. Perhaps others withdraw, so they seek new ones to use, and you were just a free shrink at the time, in an eternal rolling line of griefcouncellers entering and leaving their lives. That they just have to tell about it, but do not want to ever work through and be healed.

I was not christian when I did act as a free shrink for several damaged individuals. So God did not call upon me to do that. Who knows, perhaps I was a tool of the devil, listening to them and telling them the lies they sought to hear. And not speak the cold hard truths that made them angry.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,888
4,592
113
#5
hmm not really seoul.

My friends dont really tell me their deepest darkest secrets. If I feel like they want to unload, I direct them to God first cos Hes got all night.

A lot of men have told me that their parents died or lost a family member..and how hard that can be. I think some were looking for comfort but again I cant replace a parent...so I dont mistake that as falling in love. They just need to connect with God who is their Father.

When I was younger I did have a shrink and he asked really personal questions to me and as I was young and nobody else had shown me any personal interest before that was weird so I thought that was like love -it was very fleeting! but he was kinda playing God a bit and admitted he didnt have all the answers. He said I needed pyschotherapy but didnt say exactly how I was supposed to access this! Later when I tried it all I found it was just talking about stuff and paying people to listen! I was like this is going to drain my wallet plus what have I got to talk about myself all the time? I could just tell God or write it down in a book.

So in the end thats what I did and found I didnt really need therapy at all. haha. I had DELIVERANCE God showed me what was wrong so...it wasnt really something I magically found when confiding in anyone..I think just processing things helps but it kinda has to be a bit two way for it to work if you going to tell a friend some of your problems. (Do not tell them ALL of them! One thing at a time. They dont really want to be burdened) The thing is you may need many counselors not just one...though I found reading books helps in that someone facing similar challengers has been there before you and lived to tell about it...and that is encouraging.

As for men with a porn problem, I would just go NO. That is unacceptable. Being a sleaze is not going to work on me. If someone thinks that is acceptable to a daughter of God they have another think coming.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,888
4,592
113
#6
My calling...
well I am supposing its to help people find their stories that they can relate to I guess.
I suppose thats why I work with books.

The Bible is the number one storybook though, and I can usually find something in scripture that pertains to whatever people are going through.

For your stories about abused individuals seoul reminds me of Tamar who was raped by her half brother Amnon in the Bible. He pretended he was sick so she would nurse him and then he jumped on her. Its in the second book of Samuel chapter 13. Pretty horrible.

I was told by a pastors wife this advice when dating....guard your heart!
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
36,663
13,827
113
66
Tennessee
#7
It seems that where ever I work I become a magnet for people telling me their problems or confiding in me. Regarding developing romantic feelings it probably would depend on whether I was single at the time, or she was single and age appropriate. I will say though that no relationship ever developed in these instances.

Years ago there was this one woman at work who would often seek me out to confide in me the particulars of her latest emotional crisis. I found out from another worker that this woman was romantically interested in me. I said to the person that told me this that I was most definitely not interested because she was the most depressing person I have ever met and that I had no desire to become her therapist. From that moment on I made it a point to avoid her.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
36,663
13,827
113
66
Tennessee
#8
My calling...
well I am supposing its to help people find their stories that they can relate to I guess.
I suppose thats why I work with books.

The Bible is the number one storybook though, and I can usually find something in scripture that pertains to whatever people are going through.

For your stories about abused individuals seoul reminds me of Tamar who was raped by her half brother Amnon in the Bible. He pretended he was sick so she would nurse him and then he jumped on her. Its in the second book of Samuel chapter 13. Pretty horrible.

I was told by a pastors wife this advice when dating....guard your heart!
Regarding about guarding your heart - eventually,, if you were so inclined to pursue a relationship, you would have to allow yourself to become vulnerable to a certain extent so as to give the one that you're interested in an opportunity to get to know you better and deeper than just what appears to be on the surface. This person should do the same for you as well.

I like the part about you helping people find their stories. Every one has a story that is worth listening to. You are right about the Bible too.

I guess the moral of this story is to not judge a book by its cover.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,888
4,592
113
#9
well this is what the pastors wife said but hey its already been broken already and the pieces given to God.

So its not like Im really gonna give it to anyone else!
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
36,663
13,827
113
66
Tennessee
#10
well this is what the pastors wife said but hey its already been broken already and the pieces given to God.

So its not like Im really gonna give it to anyone else!
God stores all of our tears in a bottle. In matters of the heart I have had heartbreak too. Entering a relationship is always a calculated risk. Stay close to God and He will gather up the shards of your broken heart and piece them back together. Somewhat. Part of you will probably be left behind. Hopefully, new parts will be grafted in.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,888
4,592
113
#11
my heart is fine because its been now circumised in relation to Jesus

I think pastors wife was just quoting something she had read in some dating book. I dont think that scripture actually had anything to do with dating really.

God takes out stony hearts and gives us new hearts of flesh.

I think what seoul is referring to is 'bleeding hearts' but that term is often used a bit disparagingly by politicians

I think the best thing to do with abused individuals is pray for healing for their trauma and also tell God about the abuse, I am sure its on His list of hell to pay for the perpetuators (Amnon was killed by Absolom for what he did to Tamar, even though Jobnadab was also to blame for putting him up to it.) Most people that abuse are not sorry about it and think what they do is a pleasure for them, never mind how shameful and degrading it is for the victim. also Note how Amnon thought he loved Tamar but after he raped her he hated her. yep..
 

Ruby123

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2019
7,538
5,941
113
#14
Yes, I often find people feel safe enough with me to tell me very personal things which can sometimes be hard to handle o_Oo_O
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,888
4,592
113
#16
marijuana addiction tolerable...I can kind of understand why someone might use it (to avoid pain?)
but porn addiction, I dont know...I dont really know what to say to that.

Maybe put on some clothes? I also dont know what the cure would be...go live in a naturist/nudist colony if you want to be around naked people 24/7?