Hey Peeps,
There's been some talk in Singles lately about why we keep hanging on to and refuse to break ties with people whom we know are bad for us.
Often, we try to tell ourselves that it's because of "love". Personally, I'm convinced that many of the times we hold on to someone who mistreats us is because we've gotten addicted to the attention they give us, and we can't go back to feeling alone, invisible, and "unloved". As someone told me a long time ago, "Fake love is better than no love at all."
I was once clinging on to someone who was not good for me at all, and another friend cared enough to get tough with me because of it. I still remember him pretty much getting in my face and saying, "(SEOUL)!!! Do you LIKE being disrespected?! Do you LIKE being called (a blankety blank)???!! Do you LIKE having someone treat you like you aren't worth anything? YOU MUST, BECAUSE YOU KEEP PUTTING UP WITH IT!!!" I was HOPPING MAD at this person at the time, but boy, did his words ever start to sink in.
I'd like to say I was smart enough and strong enough to leave right away, but I put up with it for a long time, which is why I hate seeing other people go through the same thing.
I know one of the things that kept me attached to this wrong person is that I kept thinking, "But... this person 'loves' me... (and I don't want to be alone.)" And then I finally realized what was REALLY going on in my own heart was: "This person PAYS ATTENTION to me, and I am SO AFRAID that no one else will."
I always feel SO much sympathy for people who are worried that they will always be alone, especially when it's a young person just starting their adult life. I wish I could guarantee to them that it would all work out, but so often, things just don't work out the way we want.
When I lost the person whom I thought was "THE ONE", I was terrified that:
1. I would never find anyone like that again (because I had a feeling of belonging that I'd never experienced before),
and,
2. I was afraid that I would always be alone, and without a partner.
So far, BOTH of those fears have come true and have been my everyday reality for many, many years, and I don't know if it will ever change. (There were opportunities for relationships, it's just that they would have all been repeats of the very situations I was trying so hard to get away from.)
However, even though there are challenges, at least I'm not being disrespected on a daily basis, and at least I'm not having to put up with being called a blankety blank. And even though it took many years, I know I'm much happier alone than in another dysfunctional situation.
I always feel sad when I see other people, both guys and girls, who are willing to put up with mistreatment and abuse for the sake of hanging on to at least some sort of attention from someone they think they are attracted to.
* In an unhealthy relationship, how can you tell if it's really "love"... or a need for attention/fear of being alone? (And maybe my observations are all wrong... Please, feel free to post your own thoughts about this!)
* What are practical ways to fill the void that will "cure" this need for attention, and help us break free?
I know the good Christian answer will be to get closer to God and fill your life with service to others... But if that answer were as easy to follow as it is to throw out, we wouldn't see this and the family forum constantly filled with stories of people clinging on to unhealthy, abusive situations.
Thank you for sharing... I would love to hear your thoughts. And, if you're in a toxic situation... May God give you the strength to leave, and to overcome... No matter what, or how long it takes. <3
There's been some talk in Singles lately about why we keep hanging on to and refuse to break ties with people whom we know are bad for us.
Often, we try to tell ourselves that it's because of "love". Personally, I'm convinced that many of the times we hold on to someone who mistreats us is because we've gotten addicted to the attention they give us, and we can't go back to feeling alone, invisible, and "unloved". As someone told me a long time ago, "Fake love is better than no love at all."
I was once clinging on to someone who was not good for me at all, and another friend cared enough to get tough with me because of it. I still remember him pretty much getting in my face and saying, "(SEOUL)!!! Do you LIKE being disrespected?! Do you LIKE being called (a blankety blank)???!! Do you LIKE having someone treat you like you aren't worth anything? YOU MUST, BECAUSE YOU KEEP PUTTING UP WITH IT!!!" I was HOPPING MAD at this person at the time, but boy, did his words ever start to sink in.
I'd like to say I was smart enough and strong enough to leave right away, but I put up with it for a long time, which is why I hate seeing other people go through the same thing.
I know one of the things that kept me attached to this wrong person is that I kept thinking, "But... this person 'loves' me... (and I don't want to be alone.)" And then I finally realized what was REALLY going on in my own heart was: "This person PAYS ATTENTION to me, and I am SO AFRAID that no one else will."
I always feel SO much sympathy for people who are worried that they will always be alone, especially when it's a young person just starting their adult life. I wish I could guarantee to them that it would all work out, but so often, things just don't work out the way we want.
When I lost the person whom I thought was "THE ONE", I was terrified that:
1. I would never find anyone like that again (because I had a feeling of belonging that I'd never experienced before),
and,
2. I was afraid that I would always be alone, and without a partner.
So far, BOTH of those fears have come true and have been my everyday reality for many, many years, and I don't know if it will ever change. (There were opportunities for relationships, it's just that they would have all been repeats of the very situations I was trying so hard to get away from.)
However, even though there are challenges, at least I'm not being disrespected on a daily basis, and at least I'm not having to put up with being called a blankety blank. And even though it took many years, I know I'm much happier alone than in another dysfunctional situation.
I always feel sad when I see other people, both guys and girls, who are willing to put up with mistreatment and abuse for the sake of hanging on to at least some sort of attention from someone they think they are attracted to.
* In an unhealthy relationship, how can you tell if it's really "love"... or a need for attention/fear of being alone? (And maybe my observations are all wrong... Please, feel free to post your own thoughts about this!)
* What are practical ways to fill the void that will "cure" this need for attention, and help us break free?
I know the good Christian answer will be to get closer to God and fill your life with service to others... But if that answer were as easy to follow as it is to throw out, we wouldn't see this and the family forum constantly filled with stories of people clinging on to unhealthy, abusive situations.
Thank you for sharing... I would love to hear your thoughts. And, if you're in a toxic situation... May God give you the strength to leave, and to overcome... No matter what, or how long it takes. <3