Breaking the cycle of abuse

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Bluesnapper83

Junior Member
Apr 16, 2018
2
0
0
#1
I've been familiar with abuse in all forms for my entire life. I am a fighter and have never let the abuse take hold of my future. On that note, however, I ended up in yet another abusive relationship. How? Why? I knew the signs from day one but I let myself get wrapped in it. He said all of the right things, he was patient and understanding, good to my kids, helped me anytime day or night.. But when we were out in public he would stare at other women. Lies began to unfold about things he'd kept from me. Then there's that first time he grabbed ahold of me and slammed me down as I cried out in terror. And the next time. And then the time he drove angry and scared me so bad that I had a 20 minute panic attack. Or when I found pages and pages of other women and searches on dating sites. But, "I would never hurt you baby." and "I will love you forever" flowed from his lips like silk. How did I get sucked into this? Why did I stay? How do I find a good godly man that is patient and kind, full of love and understanding. Someone who very openly will communicate and never sneak and lie or crazy make. I have to find him. I cannot have a life where it's nothing but abuse! I'm too strong to accept that. My kids need to see real love.
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
1,537
137
63
#2
I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself first.

Before I get accused of victim-blaming, notice I did NOT say that it's your fault you're being (and have been) abused. However, you need to examine yourself and see what about your character and/or behavior is drawing such men to you (and you to such men). You keep finding yourself in the same kind of situation and wondering each time how you got there.

My advice would be to back off of relationships until you can sort all that out. It may even have to be permanent for you. Only God knows for sure.

Past that, any other advice you need would most likely be found in the ladies' forum.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
5,573
379
83
Germany
#3
Do it like I did. Over night break up and if he wont leave u alone get the police. Thats what got rid of my ex psychopath.
Find a place like ur parents house or so and let him go. Thats just my advice

God never wants us to suffer of a abusive relationship. Its not his will and u gotta embrace your worth
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#4
I've been familiar with abuse in all forms for my entire life. I am a fighter and have never let the abuse take hold of my future. On that note, however, I ended up in yet another abusive relationship. How? Why? I knew the signs from day one but I let myself get wrapped in it. He said all of the right things, he was patient and understanding, good to my kids, helped me anytime day or night.. But when we were out in public he would stare at other women. Lies began to unfold about things he'd kept from me. Then there's that first time he grabbed ahold of me and slammed me down as I cried out in terror. And the next time. And then the time he drove angry and scared me so bad that I had a 20 minute panic attack. Or when I found pages and pages of other women and searches on dating sites. But, "I would never hurt you baby." and "I will love you forever" flowed from his lips like silk. How did I get sucked into this? Why did I stay? How do I find a good godly man that is patient and kind, full of love and understanding. Someone who very openly will communicate and never sneak and lie or crazy make. I have to find him. I cannot have a life where it's nothing but abuse! I'm too strong to accept that. My kids need to see real love.
There are three ways most people go after abuse:
-- The Victim.
-- The Perpetrator.
-- The Protector.

You took the first choice, which is in your favor. (It very much is a cycle, so out of the cycle, you did pick a better choice.)

You will always be attracted to the wrong person. You just will. It comes from being abused. BUT, one of the big problems is the second type of victim to abuse -- the perpetrator. They learned how to play the game to save themselves from ever being a victim again, and to do that they look for other victims. And they can see it in the victim's behavior. It leaves a trace on you. If you don't believe me, I can give you this much. If you're in a room with 100 people, you will be able to find the others who have been abused too. There is some kind of link between the two of you, so it will feel natural to you to be around that person.

And then there is the third type -- the protector. Still an abused person, but they never want anyone else to be abused, so they try with all their might to protect anyone they perceive as abused from anyone they perceive as the perpetrator. I'm that kind of person, but the abuse in my past was dealt with quickly. (Counseling through drug rehab.) And through that counseling I was cleared of that mark of abuse enough that people no longer see me as a victim. More importantly, no way, no how will I be a victim again. I may be targeted, but I know I won't fall for it. I'd rather die then let it happen again, and I'll fight that hard.

And my husband is a protector too. BUT, before I came along, hubby had such a heavy connection to other people who were abused, he could pick them out in a room too, and wanted to save them so much, he'd fall in love with her.

My cycle was broken when I received counseling. Hubby's was broken after a failed marriage (to a victim who became an abuser), and a string of girlfriends with a whole bunch of brokenness stemming from their backgrounds. (All were abused too.)

How did he break the cycle? He saw the kind of woman he always fell for -- his type. And then there was this freaky new chick that joined the church, so he wanted to check out. Me. I fell for him hard. (First and only guy I ever fell in love with.) After I spilled the beans, (I asked him how he'd like to arrange our future kitchen together at the end of our second date. Whoops. Kind of freaked him out), he went home, thought it over, realized I was unlike anyone else he ever dated, and went along with kitchen plans, until I asked him when he proposed, three days later. He realized he did love me, even if I was no victim, so he decided "new type" was a good idea.

So, first, get out what you're in. That's not marriage. That's more abuse. (And I don't tell people to get out of marraige often. I usually tell them to seek God's answer if they should stay, but since your life and your children's lives are in physical danger -- GET OUT!)

Then get counseling to deal with what has happened to you.

And then make sure you go against type when dating. Do NOT date anyone you have a good connection with immediately, because the connection is the abuse, not a connection with the actual guy.

Abuse is breakable. Counseling -- good counseling, not the "how do you feel about that" crap counseling -- starts the break. It beats the other alternative -- the way hubby did it. His way was to get abused again and again, before it ever dawned on him he was picking the wrong type.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,659
634
113
#5
I've been familiar with abuse in all forms for my entire life. I am a fighter and have never let the abuse take hold of my future. On that note, however, I ended up in yet another abusive relationship. How? Why? I knew the signs from day one but I let myself get wrapped in it. He said all of the right things, he was patient and understanding, good to my kids, helped me anytime day or night.. But when we were out in public he would stare at other women. Lies began to unfold about things he'd kept from me. Then there's that first time he grabbed ahold of me and slammed me down as I cried out in terror. And the next time. And then the time he drove angry and scared me so bad that I had a 20 minute panic attack. Or when I found pages and pages of other women and searches on dating sites. But, "I would never hurt you baby." and "I will love you forever" flowed from his lips like silk. How did I get sucked into this? Why did I stay? How do I find a good godly man that is patient and kind, full of love and understanding. Someone who very openly will communicate and never sneak and lie or crazy make. I have to find him. I cannot have a life where it's nothing but abuse! I'm too strong to accept that. My kids need to see real love.
People unconsciously put out signals. Body language, speech, etc... all of this indicates to other people what kind of person you are. This is why abusive men always find women prone to accept abuse. Because the thinking and lack of belief in themselves shows.
Also being too easily swayed or compliant. Usually there are little "tests" for a man like that to gauge your reaction. If you ignore his wrong behavior, let it slide, make excuses then you confirm what he read about you.
If a man makes no effort to hide his staring at other women while with you, then get up and leave. And don't go on another date with them again.
But, really, the biggest reason is you allow it. You said yourself you could see wrong behaviors yet you made a choice to stay. This suggest a that no matter what you say about how strong you are your own actions and choices show that it is not truly how you feel about yourself.
Chances are until you work through your internal issues you will continue to attract the same types of men, and continue in poor relationships.
Most often women that continue this came from abuse as a child, whether verbal, emotional or physical. So you continue in what a comfortable. You're familiar with abuse and familiar is comfortable. Get to the root issues YOU have rather than focusing on other peoples behavior.
As the saying goes "we teach people how to treat us".
 

Bluesnapper83

Junior Member
Apr 16, 2018
2
0
0
#6
I love this. I know I'm comfortable with abuse. It's all I've ever known. And I know that when a good person talks to me (friend or coworker), I start to sweat and think I'm not good enough. I know all of these things. It's really good to hear from other people's perspectives. It's almost like an addiction I can't figure out how to break. And I want to so badly. I want to be in love, real love. Love to me has always been about compliance and submission for safety. I'm praying for a new life and freedom. It has to be possible.
 

turtlemom

Junior Member
Apr 17, 2018
3
0
0
#7
God loves you and wants you to be happy, but you must do your part. Maybe try some Christian counseling to help you discover why you end up in these abusive relationships. You will find real love when you have healed from the past and taken care of the cause of all your pain. If you don't take care of the issues, you will continue on this destructive path.I will pray for you.