dating while seperated

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Jordache

Guest
#21
What are you if you are not divorced? You're married. Married people don't date.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
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#22
unfortunately like the song says, you can't always get what you want....sure it sucks that someone else is being selfish and not granting the divorce after so many years (although, are there actually still any states that don't have default divorce after a certain number of years? 15+ seems like someone was exaggerating to you but I'm canadian so what do I know?) However I think God is still a fan of using all things...including sucky situations to work together for the good of those who love him. I doubt the plan is for us to try to circumvent the issue with our own justifications as to why this, that or the other thing is ok "because...". If the purpose of dating while separated is to find yourself in a relationship with someone else, your non-ex-spouse's selfishness is now easily comparable to your own. Let's say you date someone and they fall in love with you. Now what? You're depriving them of the opportunity to find themselves in a fabulous God-filled marriage because you can't marry them. What's the alternative? To break up since you can't go anywhere with it anyway? Then what was the point of dating them?....To live ''in sin''? Do we go ahead and justify that because of our non-ex-spouse's selfishness too? There's only so much blame we can place on the other person before we have to start taking responsibility for our own actions.


but hey....go ahead and date ''still technically married'' people!....oh. what's that over there!!??.......is that....Baby Jesus? ....is he.......crying????? :p ;)
All I'm saying is, I've had very absolute opinions about most everything in life.

And very often, I'd find myself talking to people who made me wonder if I wasn't reacting in the most Christ-like way when it came to judging certain situations.

I am not saying to date married people--I think some people mistook my post saying to go ahead and date someone married and I'm not saying that.

What I AM saying though, is that maybe we should all walk their walk before we judge them so harshly. Go through the pain of divorce and/or separation first before condemning people in that situation. At least, that's what I had to do personally to get me to stop being so judgmental. Yeah, I think it IS Baby Jesus crying.

And He's crying because we're not giving that divorced or separated person much support or help raising their children, all we can do is sit back and judge/criticize them for being in their situation. *shrugs* But this is just my opinion.
 
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meggars

Guest
#23
Because we're not giving that divorced or separated person much support, only criticism and judgment. *shrugs* But this is just my opinion.
I would happily give support to either demographic...(although I didn't think the dating habits of divorced people was in question here....they can date if they want ...as an unmarried person) but not if it means saying that something God says NOT to do is actually ok after all ...for this reason or that. Anyway, I don't think anyone here is judging or criticizing people for simply being divorced or separated. Just the inappropriateness of having dating relationships outside of one's marriage. I'm all for supporting and loving people wherever they're at....but I'm also all for throwing some Ephesians 4:15 in there and speaking the truth in love
 
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Donkeyfish07

Guest
#24
All I'm saying is, I've had very absolute opinions about most everything in life.

And very often, I'd find myself talking to people who made me wonder if I wasn't reacting in the most Christ-like way when it came to judging certain situations.

I am not saying to date married people--I think some people mistook my post saying to go ahead and date someone married and I'm not saying that.

What I AM saying though, is that maybe we should all walk their walk before we judge them so harshly. Go through the pain of divorce and/or separation first before condemning people in that situation. At least, that's what I had to do personally to get me to stop being so judgmental. Yeah, I think it IS Baby Jesus crying.

And He's crying because we're not giving that divorced or separated person much support or help raising their children, all we can do is sit back and judge/criticize them for being in their situation. *shrugs* But this is just my opinion.
I totally understand what you were getting at with that whole thing. I think we all know that you shouldn't date while your married but it is important to consider how people feel when they're in messed up situations like you described. You have to be wise about how you approach people like that if you think your spiritually in-shape enough to help. Anytime your approaching someone when love for them is absent and you do not show them any compassion(Relentlessly bashing them because they're in the wrong, etc...)....your not helping a person IMO.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
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#25
My original point was not to somehow tell everyone to start dating married people who were separated... but rather, to hopefully show them some compassion, at the very least.

I'm not sure if everyone out there knows what it feels like to have a spouse who doesn't want you and then know/be told on top of it that not only does your spouse not want you, but you can NEVER AGAIN be with ANYONE ELSE for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. For myself, I feel I am allowed to remarry, as my ex 1. was an unbeliever 2. chose to leave 3. left for someone else 4. our divorce was legalized in 1999.

But my ex was from an abusive household and an expert at keeping secrets. He left without any explanation. PLEASE understand that I had no "outward" reasons for a Biblical divorce for well over a year, and so the things in this thread are what the good Christian people told me. I was 25. It wasn't until a friend of mine found out he'd had a girlfriend this entire time that I finally had a "legal" reason for my divorce (I had moved away from the area and the girl he had chosen was a friend of hers who finally confessed the truth to her.)

When I was in that situation, I wanted to to die, quite frankly.

But I know the good Christian thing for some is to uphold God's word and, depending on the situation, never marry or date or have any kind of romantic contact in your life ever again.

I am not saying we should go against or nullify God's Word.

What I am saying is, forgive me for being human. Because it's very hard to find any hope in that. I know the only answer is to let God change you into being content with being alone for the rest of your life. But it's a hard pill to swallow, and I feel sad for the people who are being given the full (sometimes over) dosage without any compassion, especially when the people refilling the IV have never been given the medicine themselves.

Again, just my opinion is all.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
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#26
The other thing I think about as I read this thread is that, I do realize the question was whether someone is allowed to date while separated but still married. And I do realize that the answer is no.

But, what I don't think a lot of people realize, and maybe it's just me, is that I think the people in this situation are reading this thread and walking way feeling as if they are diseased, social outcasts, or relationship lepers--failures who must forever live within their failure and never again have a chance at love.

I just know in my heart, that this is the way I personally felt when reading the answers here. But again, this is just me.
 
Jun 21, 2011
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#27
Seoul I think u kinda know my heart
I've been married seperated and found new love. I waited for 4 months before filing to see if my xhusband would come back I even dated a month before it was final but it didn't feel right and I didn't want to explain myself. I met john 6 months after my divorce through my boss and didn't start seeing him till last summer I fell madly in love he met my mom via phone all my church peeps we talked about getting married we read scriptures helped in church we went to christian concerts,he wanted to legally adopt my kiddo. awesome right
the reason i didnt date him from the get go was because he was married but seperated and going through all parenting divorce classes
his wife became engaged and moved in with her fiance and i finally decided well shes moved on i could date john. as much ad i was in love many times we talked about marriage id get sad cuz he wasnt able he was still married it felt like it would never happen. he died recently and a part of me feels like loving him was right cuz i gave him his last breaths and then there is a part of me that thinks no matter how much wr glorified god or how much i loved him he was never mine because he was a married man. so its not me casting judgement on others itd that ive walked that mile and isnt pretty. biblically or not biblically its not right. hope u have a happy thursdayQUOTE=seoulsearch;957550]All I'm saying is, I've had very absolute opinions about most everything n life.

And very often, I'd find myself talkin.g to people who made me wonder if I wasn't reacting in the most Christ-like way when it came to judging certain situations.

I am not saying to date married people--I think some people mistook my post saying to go ahead and date someone married and I'm not saying that.

What I AM saying though, is that maybe we should all walk their walk before we judge them so harshly. Go through the pain of divorce and/or separation first before condemning people in that situation. At least, that's what I had to do personally to get me to stop being so judgmental. Yeah, I think it IS Baby Jesus crying.

And He's crying because we're not giving that divorced or separated person much support or help raising their children, all we can do is sit back and judge/criticize them for being in their situation. *shrugs* But this is just my opinion.[/QUOTE]
 
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Ugly

Guest
#28
All I'm saying is, I've had very absolute opinions about most everything in life.

And very often, I'd find myself talking to people who made me wonder if I wasn't reacting in the most Christ-like way when it came to judging certain situations.

I am not saying to date married people--I think some people mistook my post saying to go ahead and date someone married and I'm not saying that.

What I AM saying though, is that maybe we should all walk their walk before we judge them so harshly. Go through the pain of divorce and/or separation first before condemning people in that situation. At least, that's what I had to do personally to get me to stop being so judgmental. Yeah, I think it IS Baby Jesus crying.

And He's crying because we're not giving that divorced or separated person much support or help raising their children, all we can do is sit back and judge/criticize them for being in their situation. *shrugs* But this is just my opinion.
I believe the concept of this post is 'dating while separated'. Not after divorce. Is it acceptable to date while still married but separated. Telling this person that its wrong isn't judgmental.
 
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AeroApostle

Guest
#29
I am married, and am in the middle of a messy divorce. I am not dating. There is no provision for me to biblically date. MY pastor tells me I am biblically covered in my divorce but that until the State then God tells me otherwise, I am not to date. I am not looking for anything beyond absorbitant shoulders, listening ears and lots of prayers.

Something tells me I am in the right place :)

Aero
 
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SeatBelt

Guest
#30
Welcome, Aero.
We'e a decent enough lot.
As I've watched my divorce creep along, I've marveled that there are no clean divorces, they are All messy. Some more so than others.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
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#31
The other reason this is something on my heart is that if my friend had never found out my ex was with her friend, I would have never had a "Biblical" reason for my separation/divorce. I've actually told God, "Well, I guess... I should be thankful?" and it's a terrible feeling.

So, I feel for all the other people going through the same thing.

Yes, Shae, I think you're a wonderful person ;). Like you, I just had some things on my heart I wanted to share. God bless.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
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#32
Sorry for all the posts :) LOL... So before I get kicked from the thread :) -- this is why I had written in my original post here that I felt there was a need to look at things "on a case-by-case basis". It was just from my own personal experience and opinion was all. I just didn't realize it would stir up so much controversy and that I'd have to elaborate my reasoning so much.

I do have to say though, that it's a very depressing world in which a person has to say, "Thank God my ex-husband found love with another woman so I have a Biblical reason for him leaving me!!!" And yes, this is something I ask God about. Often.
 
Jun 21, 2011
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#33
sadly when I found out about the xhusbands affair I felt relieved. idk if that was god or Satan it me. but all I can do is focus on christ ask for forgiveness and move on.
Sorry for all the posts :) LOL... So before I get kicked from the thread :) -- this is why I had written in my original post here that I felt there was a need to look at things "on a case-by-case basis". It was just from my own personal experience and opinion was all. I just didn't realize it would stir up so much controversy and that I'd have to elaborate my reasoning so much.

I do have to say though, that it's a very depressing world in which a person has to say, "Thank God my ex-husband found love with another woman so I have a Biblical reason for him leaving me!!!" And yes, this is something I ask God about. Often.
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#34
I think we should all consider WHY God calls adultery a sin..

I for one believe that He was preventing married people from having an affair behind their spouse's back.
(there's also the risk of unwanted pregnancy and the risk of violence if the one hiding the affair is caught)

I do not believe God had divorce papers in mind, and God is not a legalist.
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#35
Adultery, just like every other sin, is a sin because it hurts people, even if they don't see it. God didn't tell us this stuff because He was bored. He wants to protect us from pain/evil and keep us from hurting others as well. Zero, it's hurtful for all of the reasons you set out, along with the possible transmission of STDs to a trusting spouse.

Marriages break up unfortunately. No one wins, even those who think they do. Divorce hurts everyone it touches. But miracles DO happen and some marriages can be restored. It's amazing when it happens, so I would not want to date anyone who was still married, no matter the legal terminology, because I wouldn't want to be in the way of any healing that God may have in mind, nor would I want to be hurt in the process.

My heart truly goes out to all of you who are going through this or have gone through it, as well as your children and extended families. My prayers are with you.
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#36
"But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace." - (1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV)
 
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SeatBelt

Guest
#37
1 Corinthians 7:15 is a *Popular* verse on the Christian divorce circuit. As a friend wryly pointed out, when two Christians get divorced it is "Always" for Biblical reasons and "Neither" of them is in the wrong.
I think reading verse 15 but not 16 is missing part of the picture. Also, while I will admit free that it is Not a translation, but rather a paraphrase of the Bible, I think this verse reads Especially well in The Message:

"15-16 On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you’ve got to let him or her go. You don’t have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God."

Sometimes reconciliation of the marriage is Not what is in the best interest of those involved (such as when it means leading the children back into the viper's den), but one cannot deny a need for reconciliation with God. My understanding of verse 16 here is that My salvation may hinge on how I conduct myself in the divorce; I cannot close that door between her and God and expect God to leave His door open to me.

My initial read on dating after my own divorce...
I may wait about dating until my kids are dating!
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#38
@ seatbelt...

having raised my child... looking back I can see where I made an error in thinking parenting single was good. Anyone who decides to do this... for a myriad of reasons (which are all excuses)... I can see fully how parenting single was not healthy for my child and "normalizes" single parenting even when you find yourself having been forced into by divorce. Marriage is the fundamental building block of society and we now have 2 1/2 generations into a single parent society. It is time past time to go back to fundamental married family units and TEACH our children by example what that looks like... expecting God to help us... because HE WILL.
Wondering how many divorced persons here have divorced parents? Fact is "telling your kids marraige is a sanctified and holy institution designed by God and not SHOWING THEM how to live it... is moot.
 
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SeatBelt

Guest
#39
Barly,
Do not think for one minute that I will do anything other than promote my children choosing a committed Christian marriage. I kept All the wedding pictures for no other reason than to be able to trot out and have that very conversation with them. I balance her absence with the presence of positive Godly women who live and actively model the kind of wife&mother roles that I wish my children could see at home. My church family has stepped up boldly to fill this critical role with me, and to similarly do the equivalent for single mothers within our church. I am a Rabid advocate of marriage as God intended it and feel that you have insinuated otherwise. (my feelings, whether your intent or not, so don't bother trying to backpedal, and don't think that you have much room to do so since you Specifically called me out on your post.) Divorce is not a plan B, but it is something that unfortunately happens to some really wonderful people, and to me. I don't have to own a tractor to teach my kids to drive one, but it helps. Less than 18 months after she left, and still before the divorce is final, I am already intentional with teaching my kids the things that they potentially could fail to learn about marriage from a single parent. I believe that having partners in the process is crucial, and actively choose to surround my children with married Christian couples instead of dragging them along to single parent support groups or mixers. My focus is raising my kids to be better than they would have been had I stayed married. This is my ministry: I will make for God the best efforts I can to raise two children in such a way as to have them become adults who love and follow Him. Along the way, it does so happen that I do a little work for His kingdom in other ways. I am, however, here to be their dad & teach them about Our Father.
 
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seekingg

Senior Member
Jul 13, 2012
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#40
i have been separated for almost 2 years. I have not dated or even touched another woman, or even myself. I am glad i did not date but, what is the benefit? what have i gained? So much i have sacrificed and they don't even believe me .
It was explained to me that if i was to date and connect emotionally with another women while i am still married and gods plan brings my x back to me it could become a mess.