Dating... With Children.

seoulsearch · Jul 22, 2009

Hey Everybody... This is a thread dedicated to all the single parents out there who are trying to find their calling as dedicated Christians but who are also trying to survive the world of dating. I had a relationship several years ago with a single father and it did not work out (LLLOONNNGGG story, will answer any questions gladly if you have them but I didn't want to take up all the space here posting about it--I always explain it this way--he was working when I met him... but when he saw that his children were comfortable with me, he quit his job in order to drink full-time--after I left, he wound up losing custody of his kids to their mother's parents.) I am interested in hearing the struggles, opinions, hopes, and special needs of single parents in the dating world. For instance, do you introduce your children to a date right away or wait until something more develops? Do you tell a potential date right away what your boundaries and expectations are? And, is it ok and acceptable for the single person without kids to state their initial boundaries and expectations as well? What I mean is... the single father I dated... within the first few weeks of going out... began dropping his children off at my house on my days off, expecting me to watch them without even discussing it with me first. (I was too young and naive to know I had a right to set any boundaries--I figured with kids involved, I had to go along with everything.) Do you single parents prefer to date other single parents or hope for someone with no other children? I am certainly NOT saying all single parents are like this, which is why I'm posting this thread. However, long after that relationship ended and I was in a dating service, one of the guys they matched me up with began our phone conversation saying he was a single dad who would only date a woman WITHOUT children because he fully expected her to be a mother to his child and completely devote herself to his son and no other previous children. (I thought this was WAY too intimidating, at least, for myself.) I think it's great for a person to be up front, honest, and open, but... can you offer any advice to us singles who ARE open-minded to dating singles with children BUT are still a little scared and intimidated by the responsibility? So please... fire away with your thoughts and frustrations--I would also like to welcome any thoughts and experiences from others who have dated single parents and/or those who would like to. God bless you for persevering through the hard times!

SamIam · Jul 22, 2009

Im a single parent..... and i will not introduce anyone to my child unless we have been dating awhile, i dont want people coming in and out of my childs life like that. All the good christians wont date me because im not a virgin and the secular people i dont wanna date because they wanna have sex.... soooo basically i dont date lol its very frustrating.. i always tell someone up front.. i have a child, because i feel deceitful if i dont... and i would never wanna like three or four dates later HEY GUESS WHAT.. i have a kid, because that person might not have ever gone out with you in the first place knowing that... and i want someone to wanna be with me kid and all....... I would date someone with or without kids... it doesnt bother me either way, and i would NEVER ever ever ever ever drop my daughter off at someones house i was dating!!

Kakashi · Jul 22, 2009

SamIam said:

Im a single parent..... and i will not introduce anyone to my child unless we have been dating awhile, i dont want people coming in and out of my childs life like that. All the good christians wont date me because im not a virgin and the secular people i dont wanna date because they wanna have sex.... soooo basically i dont date lol its very frustrating.. i always tell someone up front.. i have a child, because i feel deceitful if i dont... and i would never wanna like three or four dates later HEY GUESS WHAT.. i have a kid, because that person might not have ever gone out with you in the first place knowing that... and i want someone to wanna be with me kid and all....... I would date someone with or without kids... it doesnt bother me either way, and i would NEVER ever ever ever ever drop my daughter off at someones house i was dating!!

That's a very good way of doing it, being up front with people! Very bold. Go Sam!

seoulsearch · Jul 23, 2009

SamIam said:

I think these are some great guidelines to follow, Sam. For instance, if I dated a single parent again, I would tell him that I would like to hold off meeting his children until we could at least see if he and I get along and have the potential for a relationship--NOT because I was trying to reject his children but because I don't want to cause them heartache by meeting them and then not having it work out. I would never expect someone to somehow be in a relationship "without" their kids--it's a complete package--but I would want to see if him and I even got along well to begin with, let alone with an entire family put all together... I just wouldn't want the person to be offended or think I was somehow making them choose between them and their children (there is not choice--they all come together) but I don't want to feel "thrown in head first" like I did with this other relationship, either. I'd never even really been around kids before... but I basically became a single parent myself within a matter of months (he became unable to care for them because of the drinking so I was doing it all--then when we were in public or around his family... people asked him all the questions and completely ignored me, as if I were the hired maid. But it was me who was bathing, dressing, and feeding his kids... along with potty training because the oldest was 4 and still not completely toilet trained.) I had no idea what I was doing but I tried. If I dated a single parent again, I would just hope to be able to say, "Please give me lots of time to get to know you before I meet your children... please don't take it as rejection... I just need to time to take it all in, one step at at time!" And I'm sure the parent must feel the same way, to an extent.

pickles · Jul 23, 2009

I cannot speak as a parent but as a child. When my father divorced my mother, she agreed to, only for our sake. She honored her marriage until the day she died. Im sure this was no easy choice for her but her choice blessed us,{her children} in more ways than I can count. It gave us a gift of commitment and security that carries us even now. I also believe that because of her faith and choice we all have been blessed. The wisdom of her choice would take too long and and not easy to decribe but I and all my brothers and sisters would say it is true. I know for many this is a difficult thing to hear and accept but I am greatful to God every day that he gave her the streangth to do this. God bless, pickles

seoulsearch · Jul 23, 2009

I think your mother must be a very special person, Pickles. Very interesting point and I appreciate your input... I think different situations work for different people. I am adopted, and I've met two other girls adopted from Korea like myself who were adopted by women who chose to be single and unmarried for the rest of their lives (or at least, so far). These two girls didn't really feel they were missing out on anything by only having one parent... but of course, I've known others who really did feel they were missing something by not having both parents in the household. I don't think it's a choice I could make for myself but I certainly admire the ones who can stand on their own. I don't believe it's for everyone... but am glad it worked out for you and your family. I think this is one very wonderful thing about God--that He made us as unique individuals and He gives us unique giftings and strengths for different situations. An interesting point I heard in a sermon once... that, as we know, when Jesus was on the cross, he asked John to take care of his mother, Mary--we know from the culture at the time that this means at some point, if Jesus was asking this, Joseph, (Jesus' earthly father) must have passed away. The Bible mentions that Jesus had at least four brothers and "sisters" (how many, we're not sure)--these siblings were the children Mary and Joseph had together--and we don't know exactly when it was that Joseph died--meaning that it's very possible that Joseph may have died when Jesus was a teen (Joseph is last mentioned when Jesus was 12 and teaching in the temple) and that Mary herself may have had to raise Jesus and his siblings as a single parent. I thought that was fascinating... and yet further evidence that Jesus really lived and understands what we endure in this life.

pickles · Jul 23, 2009

seoulsearch said:

I think your mother must be a very special person, Pickles. Very interesting point and I appreciate your input... I think different situations work for different people. I am adopted, and I've met two other girls adopted from Korea like myself who were adopted by women who chose to be single and unmarried for the rest of their lives (or at least, so far). These two girls didn't really feel they were missing out on anything by only having one parent... but of course, I've known others who really did feel they were missing something by not having both parents in the household. I don't think it's a choice I could make for myself but I certainly admire the ones who can stand on their own. I don't believe it's for everyone... but am glad it worked out for you and your family. I think this is one very wonderful thing about God--that He made us as unique individuals and He gives us unique giftings and strengths for different situations. An interesting point I heard in a sermon once... that, as we know, when Jesus was on the cross, he asked John to take care of his mother, Mary--we know from the culture at the time that this means at some point, if Jesus was asking this, Joseph, (Jesus' earthly father) must have passed away. The Bible mentions that Jesus had at least four brothers and "sisters" (how many, we're not sure)--these siblings were the children Mary and Joseph had together--and we don't know exactly when it was that Joseph died--meaning that it's very possible that Joseph may have died when Jesus was a teen (Joseph is last mentioned when Jesus was 12 and teaching in the temple) and that Mary herself may have had to raise Jesus and his siblings as a single parent. I thought that was fascinating... and yet further evidence that Jesus really lived and understands what we endure in this life.

Well said. I belive there in lyes the truth. We must act apon what Jesus put apon our heart. By this , his blessings are given in full. God bless, pickles

SamIam · Jul 23, 2009

pickles said:

I cannot speak as a parent but as a child. When my father divorced my mother, she agreed to, only for our sake. She honored her marriage until the day she died. Im sure this was no easy choice for her but her choice blessed us,{her children} in more ways than I can count. It gave us a gift of commitment and security that carries us even now. I also believe that because of her faith and choice we all have been blessed. The wisdom of her choice would take too long and and not easy to decribe but I and all my brothers and sisters would say it is true. I know for many this is a difficult thing to hear and accept but I am greatful to God every day that he gave her the streangth to do this. God bless, pickles

i second kim...... thats a good mother right there.

MusicalMe · Jul 23, 2009

SamIam said:

That's very sad... there's another thread around here somewhere about this and someone brought up the point that a lot of people seem to make an idol out of virginity. It's too bad that when God so readily forgives our past, we can't seem to do it for each other.

Hope you find someone that's more interested in your future than in your past.

MusicalMe · Jul 23, 2009

ariannaaa said:

Taken into account, yes, but only with all of the information.

For example, what about this situation: if someone was married before, had waited until they were married to have sex, their spouse died/left them/etc, and someone says "I won't date you because you're not a virgin" .... well, I see a problem there.

I just think we sometimes jump to conclusions and don't wait to hear the whole story (by 'we', I mean all of humanity).

SamIam · Jul 23, 2009

MusicalMe said:

Taken into account, yes, but only with all of the information.

For example, what about this situation: if someone was married before, had waited until they were married to have sex, their spouse died/left them/etc, and someone says "I won't date you because you're not a virgin" .... well, I see a problem there.

I just think we sometimes jump to conclusions and don't wait to hear the whole story (by 'we', I mean all of humanity).

amen to that!!!

missy2shoes · Jul 23, 2009

MusicalMe said:

Taken into account, yes, but only with all of the information.

For example, what about this situation: if someone was married before, had waited until they were married to have sex, their spouse died/left them/etc, and someone says "I won't date you because you're not a virgin" .... well, I see a problem there.

I just think we sometimes jump to conclusions and don't wait to hear the whole story (by 'we', I mean all of humanity).

I gave ya rep points for that

seoulsearch · Jul 23, 2009

MusicalMe said:

Thank goodness there are people out there who are open-minded and understanding to the fact that life usually doesn't work out the way you hope or want... and it hopefully won't exclude you from ever finding the right companion someday.

pickles · Jul 24, 2009

I agree, Ones past sins should not be held against them if they have chosen to follow Jesus. If someone were to judge they act against the very one they claim to follow. That is the very reason we need to trust Jesus and what he puts apon our hearts. If I have learned anything in my walk with him it is that I cannot know without his hand held tightly in mine. God bless, pickles

Sharp · Jul 24, 2009

Well, it was me who was accused of making an idol out of virginity in the virginity thread....and my opinions about dating women with children are the same. I have nothing against single parents or people who aren't virgins, I would just never date someone who falls into that category. My post in the virginity thread is summarised below....

"...alot of people seem to be equating a preference for a virgin spouse with failing to forgive people for committing sexual sins. I don't understand this. It's not my role or duty to forgive them. They have not sinned against me, they have sinned against God. So the argument "if God forgives them I'll forgive them" doesn't make sense to me. By refusing to marry someone, I'm not casting judgement on their life.

...I'm sorry if it seems like I'm making an idol of virginity. I'm not, but it is very important to me...If people have certain personal preferences, they should seek these kinds of people. We are not sinning against God by choosing a spouse based on whether or not a person has the qualities we are looking for in a spouse. And I don't believe we have an obligation to God to choose a spouse based on anything other than whether or not they are living for Christ. So the notion that people who are seeking only a virgin partner are somehow being 'unfair' is lost on me. Its not like we HAVE to get married and we HAVE to choose our husband or wife based on fair and non-discriminatory assessment criteria.

I know God forgives people who have committed adultery, but how am I judging them by refusing to marry them? I have no obligation to marry anyone, and I can marry anyone I want, provided their heart is in the right place.

P.S. Other people I would not marry, even though they were Christians, include mass murderers, a siamese twin, a woman who has had a sex change, and someone who has AIDS. These are my preferences. There is nothing wrong with that. Think about it people... "

So, to reiterate, by refusing to date someone with children, even if those children were the result of a marriage and there was no premarital sex, I am not holding their past against them. I am exercising my right to choose a partner based on my personal preferences. Yes I am passionate about this and I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

p.s. children don't like me

Chopsui101 · Jul 24, 2009

I might date someone with a kid...but I would prefer not too....too confusing and stressful...drama drama drama is all i see from it

seoulsearch · Jul 24, 2009

Sharp said:

I'm sorry if I offended you as well in any way, Sharp. I can understand very much as to why people have certain beliefs and want to stick with them. I completely respect your stance and am sorry if I made it sound like someone who has these beliefs is somehow doing something wrong--that's not what I meant at all. I have a friend with two kids... dating a guy with... several kids... she says if she could do it all over again she would date never date someone with kids again (because one of the mothers of his kids is completely disrespectful to her and her kids...) Chop is right about the fact that it can be a lot of extra stress, no doubt--but the best part of my disastrous relationship with the guy who had kids... really was the kids--just my own experience. And as for virginity, I very much admire those who hold their ground in this area (I wish I had made different choices in my own life) and have nothing but respect for them.

P.S. Children aren't that crazy about me in general either so don't feel bad. My two brothers are GREAT with kids--when one was in high school this band of like 8 neighborhood kids would always be on our doorstep asking if he could come out to play. Me... not so much, to say the least

. I was trying to talk to my friend's 14-month-old daughter the other day... saying, "Hi Sweetheart!" and she burst out crying. One of my co-workers said she must not like Asians. Ha!

SamIam · Jul 24, 2009

Im curious though........ what if you sharp... or anyone else here that only wants to date a virgin or someone with no kids.... really started to like someone that wasnt a virgin... what would you do?? im not trying to be argumentive, or sway you from your personal convictions im honestly just curious...

Sharp · Jul 24, 2009

Hey Kim no need to apologise I wasn't offended

You know what, a few months ago I had an epiphany.

A thought popped into my head as follows: "What if the perfect girl meeting all my requirements just bounced straight into my life but there was only one issue: She was raped once in her life, has a child as a result, and has had no other sexual contact since. Would you marry her?" And my answer was yes I would. So I would make exceptions under certain circumstances.

MusicalMe · Jul 24, 2009

Sharp said:

That goes back to my point of hearing the whole story first.

And I never meant to indicate by preferring a virgin that you were failing to forgive - I'm sorry if it came across that way.

Dating... With Children.

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