Deep sadness

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U

Ugly

Guest
#21
#21
Oby said:
I should just add on the selfish side I have tried numerous things to look after myself first. Trying not to think about her all the time is the most difficult. I removed all pictures and a lot of items in my house that she gave me or we bought together. I found even trivial seemingly unrelated things would spark a memory then a chain of thoughts followed.
The other day I saw a small red car and I instantly thought of her daughter and the first car she owned which I spray painted for her. It was small and red but not even the same make or model.
Most of the music I enjoy listening to doesn't give me any joy now. Music we shared together only brings back memories all of which are happy memories but they're quickly followed by the deep sadness and a feeling of loss.
I thought I might be suffering depression myself but my doctor believes it is just grief and it takes time as everybody says.
Waking up and instantly having some thoughts about her every single day is also something I can't seem to avoid.
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I've experienced all that was well. I'm a music nut, 3000+ albums, but now I don't listen much. The things I've most enjoyed all have sad ties now.
And keywords or images affect me too. Tv is often difficult at times due to its randomness.

Hmm... bipolar without the highs is just depression. Can't say I've ever heard if bipolar with no extremes. That seems to take away from even the name... bi... polar.
 
O

Oby

Member
#22
Dec 22, 2017
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#22
Christmas morning. The house is extremely quiet.
 
Rosemaryx

Rosemaryx

Senior Member
#23
May 3, 2017
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#23
Oby said:
That's exactly how I feel about the card. I put every ounce of love I have for her into making it. I don't know if she will read it. One day she might read it and feel something good. In the short term I am expecting nothing. Actually I expect to feel even more disappointment as I know she will not respond to it. She is determined to not have any contact so I won't even get a "thank you". My mother sent her a loving Christmas card already and she did not reply to that.

Thank you for your kind words. Although it is very hard I have been relying on my faith and a belief, maybe not as solid as before but still there, that God really is looking after both me and her. I do wish there was a 1800 customer service number so I could ask Him what's going on.
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O

Oby

Member
#24
Dec 22, 2017
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#24
I received an unexpected e-card from her late last night. She even added 2 kisses at the end. I think God is still working on her. Thank God.
 
O

Oby

Member
#25
Dec 22, 2017
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#25
Oh my Lord. She just emailed me to thank me for the Christmas card and gifts. Lovely message but she finished with "This has to be goodbye as it keeps bringing me back into the pain."
I guess I knew this was my last shot. I never gave up until the very end.
 
Rosemaryx

Rosemaryx

Senior Member
#26
May 3, 2017
3,712
4,076
113
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#26
Oby said:
Oh my Lord. She just emailed me to thank me for the Christmas card and gifts. Lovely message but she finished with "This has to be goodbye as it keeps bringing me back into the pain."
I guess I knew this was my last shot. I never gave up until the very end.
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You have done all you can do so now leave it in Gods hand...God said Be still before Him, now as you go through the reality of what is happening, you are in the best place, silence with God...Be reminded also that this to shall pass...

You have many things to cry over, but the bible also reminds us that Joy comes after sorrow...Trust, lean and rely on our LORD, He is the only one who can and will get you through this if you put your trust in Him and not rely on yourself...xox...
 
O

Oby

Member
#27
Dec 22, 2017
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#27
I am somewhat pleased that at least she appeared to receive everything with the love that was intended and she seems to have felt some joy from it. I had no information this year but I still managed to pick 2 gifts that were exactly what she wanted.
I must be an old romantic because I believe love is always a positive force. If she felt love then it must be good for her. Reuniting us is my own selfish desire and I will never deny that's what I want. Her happiness and peace is far more important though.
 
O

Oby

Member
#28
Dec 22, 2017
38
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#28
Time to go to church. At least I can celebrate Christmas morning for an hour with some Christian friends.
 
O

Oby

Member
#29
Dec 22, 2017
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#29
Not surprisingly God does work wonders.
I ran into one of my uncles at church. He invited me and my mum to their place for Christmas dinner and somehow I managed to convince Mum to accept. Thank God. Christmas won't be lonely now.
 
O

Oby

Member
#30
Dec 22, 2017
38
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#30
I don't know what to do anymore but just pray pray pray.

I thought Christmas was salvaged, sort of, like I managed to give her a bit of joy I had done the right thing.
Mum came with me to my uncle's place and all her family were there. It was great seeing them. Ironically my cousin and her husband went through a similar experience a few years ago. She was suffering post natal depression and being extremely abusive and mean to her husband. He stood by her no matter what. They survived and have a beautiful child and a very happy family life. Her husband shook my hand and told me don't give up.

I got home late and found an email from her out of the blue. She is still so confused and tormented. She was pleading with me to admit that her visions are real so she knows she is not going totally insane. Reading I felt the weight of everything just land on top of me again. Even on Christmas, the day we celebrate the birth of our saviour, the love of my life is far from saved.
 
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