Fear of marriage

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Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
448
412
63
#1
Hi Gods precious people does anyone have a fear of marriage..or any anxious thoughts associated with marriage life?
I have thought about this the other day and there are certainly big lifestyle changes that happen when you're married.
Examples..
You are no longer living on your own.So the independence you once had is no longer there..when married you have to share every day life with some else regardless of your temperament.Also things you did domestically when single now may come into more scrunity.

When single you had a nice spacious bed to sleep in to lay down in and roll about ect..when married you have half the space you once had...do you snore?Constantly fidget in bed till you fall asleep?
Such things could disrupt the sleeping patterns of your spouse..
Those are just a few examples..
What are your thoughts?
 

TheIndianGirl

Well-known member
Nov 22, 2019
557
411
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#2
Yes, I have a slight fear of being in a bad/unhappy marriage. Even in the happy marriages there is some level of compromise both spouses have to make (if one likes to travel, the other doesn't; one wants to have sex a lot; the other doesn't; even daily schedules, etc.). You also have to put up with the mood of the other person.

I think if you find the "right" partner, marriage can be great.

There is a downside to being single too as we have to do everything on our own. But, we also have the freedom to do what we want when we want.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
448
412
63
#3
Yes, I have a slight fear of being in a bad/unhappy marriage. Even in the happy marriages there is some level of compromise both spouses have to make (if one likes to travel, the other doesn't; one wants to have sex a lot; the other doesn't; even daily schedules, etc.). You also have to put up with the mood of the other person.

I think if you find the "right" partner, marriage can be great.

There is a downside to being single too as we have to do everything on our own. But, we also have the freedom to do what we want when we want.
Hi i am so blessed by your honest comments.Its amazing how many of us have hidden thoughts and feelings about marriage and i totally understandthe things you have mentioned.I guess everyone wants to be in a happy marriage and there will always be differences between you and your spouse which you both learn to adapt Romans it's also like a journey of discovery for you both.
Marriage is a triangle with God at the top and each partner is at each side of the bottom and the close you both are to him the closer you are with each other.
It's the things that we need in a relationship that often gives the greater measure of fotfillment them the things we want.
Some even fear pregnancy due to a fear of labour pains..some fear sex if they are a virgin due to a fear painful sex..I guess there are many things.

I like your last comment too about singleness with a sense of freedom to do what you want ect..which is so very true.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,308
2,681
113
#4
Hi Gods precious people does anyone have a fear of marriage..or any anxious thoughts associated with marriage life?
I have thought about this the other day and there are certainly big lifestyle changes that happen when you're married.
Examples..
You are no longer living on your own.So the independence you once had is no longer there..when married you have to share every day life with some else regardless of your temperament.Also things you did domestically when single now may come into more scrunity.

When single you had a nice spacious bed to sleep in to lay down in and roll about ect..when married you have half the space you once had...do you snore?Constantly fidget in bed till you fall asleep?
Such things could disrupt the sleeping patterns of your spouse..
Those are just a few examples..
What are your thoughts?
Great post, thank you for sharing!

I've known a lot of married people, and I can only speak from my own observations, but a good number of them weren't/aren't happy. They may have started out as enjoying each other's company, but as time and life went on, things like boredom, overwhelming challenges (parenting), dissatisfaction, and temptations they never anticipated took hold. Some of these marriages carried on (but that didn't mean that the problems ceased -- they were just merely tolerated), while many others dissolved.

Again, this is just me, but these days I'd be a lot more concerned about anyone who claimed they DON'T have any fears over marriage than anyone who is honest enough to say that they DO. :unsure:
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
16,226
3,690
113
#5
"Only a fool has no fear."
- Worf (and he of all people should know.)
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
448
412
63
#6
Great post, thank you for sharing!

I've known a lot of married people, and I can only speak from my own observations, but a good number of them weren't/aren't happy. They may have started out as enjoying each other's company, but as time and life went on, things like boredom, overwhelming challenges (parenting), dissatisfaction, and temptations they never anticipated took hold. Some of these marriages carried on (but that didn't mean that the problems ceased -- they were just merely tolerated), while many others dissolved.

Again, this is just me, but these days I'd be a lot more concerned about anyone who claimed they DON'T have any fears over marriage than anyone who is honest enough to say that they DO. :unsure:
Yes it's an Intresting point you made about the issues of marriage life..All marriages need effort to make them work and they come with their own set of struggles that are specific to being with someone all the time,raising s family ect.God doesn't hide us from such realities but is there to help us through them and also peoples levels of maturity,expectations ect can have an impact of the marriage dynamic too.
There are some I know who do have a romantic fairytale life view of marriage which is nice to have too for the reality of marriage life shouldn't ruin the joyous feeling that it has..yet I am sure they have little concerns sure with the view that "we will be fine ect"
.Yet as you mentioned it has it's own us and downs.I am assuming that most churches do offer pre marriage counselling for couples which should give a more realistic perspective.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
8,147
2,967
113
#8
you just split the room in half and have all your things on one side and all his/her things on the other.
snoring you cant do much about. I think snoring could break up a marriage I would find it so annoying not to be able to sleep at night.

You need to be the type of person who can put up with someone elses mess/compulsive tidiness/nits/viruses/babies vomits/poos/bodily discharges/random opinions/laughing at stuff that makes no sense. I mean REALLY.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
448
412
63
#9
you just split the room in half and have all your things on one side and all his/her things on the other.
snoring you cant do much about. I think snoring could break up a marriage I would find it so annoying not to be able to sleep at night.

You need to be the type of person who can put up with someone elses mess/compulsive tidiness/nits/viruses/babies vomits/poos/bodily discharges/random opinions/laughing at stuff that makes no sense. I mean REALLY.
My goodness have each other things on different sides of the room 😉😉..in regards to snoring I guess special air plugs could help..👂..I love the list of things that one would have to put up with..even who spend xmas with which family plus I have noticed that sometimes marriage can change people's interaction with past friends.I have know friends from their single days then once they get married I hardly hear from them at all.👎
Oh one more I add to your list (with a smile obviously)..morning breath🗣🗣😉👍
 

Gregoryp

Well-known member
Jul 20, 2019
1,216
860
113
#10
wow! I have never married, no kids, a few medium term relationships, and this is a topic I have been talking to the lord about for sometime. I even purchased a single bed, to symbolise my intentions ! However, I do feel there is someone set aside for me, but she isn't ready yet. Anyway, I too have embraced the single life, and couldn't be happier. The idea that I have to make compromises, change my way of life, actually make conversations with someone is not something I am really looking forward to. I have no friends, discarded my family sometime ago, and like nothing better than sitting here , drinking coffee in front of the computer without any physical interaction at all with people. It is pure bliss!
 

SarahUmbreon

Active member
Aug 16, 2020
361
234
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#11
I think for me I’m not even thinking of marriage or having children, but I want to find the right man as a friend to hopefully marry one day, my cousin finally got married, and him and his girlfriend had been dating for 6 years.

Overall though, I think if I had to pick what would worry me the most, is if the man I marry doesn’t like my opinions and my behavior. I will admit, when I’m sick I can be gross, like spitting out mucus if I’m suffering from allergies/cold. But they might do gross stuff so who knows, I’m just trying to focus on how good I actually have it and let God guide me.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
448
412
63
#12
wow! I have never married, no kids, a few medium term relationships, and this is a topic I have been talking to the lord about for sometime. I even purchased a single bed, to symbolise my intentions ! However, I do feel there is someone set aside for me, but she isn't ready yet. Anyway, I too have embraced the single life, and couldn't be happier. The idea that I have to make compromises, change my way of life, actually make conversations with someone is not something I am really looking forward to. I have no friends, discarded my family sometime ago, and like nothing better than sitting here , drinking coffee in front of the computer without any physical interaction at all with people. It is pure bliss!
Wow back to you sir.I found your comments most intresting and yes I get the strong sense that your happy with your own company in lots of ways.If you did meet someone though how would you manage with the interaction as you are used to not having much of it?..it might just do your head in.👍😊
 

Gregoryp

Well-known member
Jul 20, 2019
1,216
860
113
#13
Wow back to you sir.I found your comments most intresting and yes I get the strong sense that your happy with your own company in lots of ways.If you did meet someone though how would you manage with the interaction as you are used to not having much of it?..it might just do your head in.👍😊
I was praying about this issue just last night. Even made up a story to share with God, to demonstrate it! I am blessed I must say, I am retired relatively early, have savings in the bank, no debts, a very good landlord etc, So the idea of removing myself from all of that and starting over is rather intimidating and I wonder if would even be worth it
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
448
412
63
#14
I think for me I’m not even thinking of marriage or having children, but I want to find the right man as a friend to hopefully marry one day, my cousin finally got married, and him and his girlfriend had been dating for 6 years.

Overall though, I think if I had to pick what would worry me the most, is if the man I marry doesn’t like my opinions and my behavior. I will admit, when I’m sick I can be gross, like spitting out mucus if I’m suffering from allergies/cold. But they might do gross stuff so who knows, I’m just trying to focus on how good I actually have it and let God guide me.
Hi i am blessed by the comm7ents coming through.Wow 6 years before you cousin married her.I only know one couple who dated for 4 years until they got married which we due to finances,finding a place to live as they were both living with their families at that time.
Yes someone who is a friend who late becomes a romantic partner is good because you know each other well and the friendship become a kind of foundation.Sometimes the transition from friends to partner may/May not work out for some as some friendships have beauty that in some cases gets lost in .."sometimes"👍
I am sure the things you so shouldn't put the off you and what you call gross they may think it's totally fine..😊😊
The vows do say.."in sickness and in health ect..."😉😫
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
448
412
63
#15
I was praying about this issue just last night. Even made up a story to share with God, to demonstrate it! I am blessed I must say, I am retired relatively early, have savings in the bank, no debts, a very good landlord etc, So the idea of removing myself from all of that and starting over is rather intimidating and I wonder if would even be worth it
Yes i get a clear picture of what you mean.Its like your very settled in life and things are good for you all round and the thought of an upheaval and and a different life dynamic to be dealing with in your mind must sound like a goliath.God know this and there is one thing I know is that when you meet someone who IS from God and you really develope feelings for..it does change your perspective on life.Making it more of a joy rather than a worry to adapt to change...plus you may not even need to change much..they may fit right into your situation too.👍
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
16,226
3,690
113
#16
Overall though, I think if I had to pick what would worry me the most, is if the man I marry doesn’t like my opinions and my behavior. I will admit, when I’m sick I can be gross, like spitting out mucus if I’m suffering from allergies/cold. But they might do gross stuff so who knows, I’m just trying to focus on how good I actually have it and let God guide me.
I think that part about mucus is kind of universal. You have to either spit it out or swallow it, and if you swallow too much it can make you sick.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
448
412
63
#17
I think that part about mucus is kind of universal. You have to either spit it out or swallow it, and if you swallow too much it can make you sick.
Exactly..making my head spin just thinking about it now..🤯🤣
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
1,662
1,576
113
#18
I will speak from my heart. I am no longer married but I think that marriage can be a beautiful thing. Marriage by itself is not good or bad on its own. It depends what both people bring to the relationship. It is like friendships. You can be terribly hurt, grow apart or find that friend who helps you see the beauty in yourself that you've never seen or forgotten.
The difficulty is that a marriage is a union of two flawed people. There are no other options. If both of you are sincere in wanting to grow in Christ, if you want the happiness of the other person, if you are kind, gentle, honest, faithful, hopeful, living the fruit of the spirit, it can be phenomenal. One of the keys is each person's ability to forgive, because there are times when we will disappoint each other. We will not always be at our best or meet the other person's expectation. There will be pain. There will be crisis. Why do it? Because it is amazing to know that to someone else, you are the sun, moon and stars. It is wonderful to know that you have a hand to hold to face the world, to know that that person wants to cheer your victories and hold you in the dark times. It is great to explore the world together and to share it all. It feels great to have someone who knows what makes you laugh, what will encourage you and help you to reflect.
One of the hard parts of marriage is that it holds a mirror up to you when you least expect or want it. That is also one of the most valuable things. It is how we grow. When it is done with love, it makes you a better person. We need the encouragement, support, challenge and responsibility. We need lives that are not all about our own wants. We need to learn to give and compromise. A life with sacrifice grows us as Christians. It can't be a power play. Love, pray,forgive, grow, laugh and love some more. Marriage can be a beautiful things if it is a commitment to do the hard and precious work of love.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
448
412
63
#19
I will speak from my heart. I am no longer married but I think that marriage can be a beautiful thing. Marriage by itself is not good or bad on its own. It depends what both people bring to the relationship. It is like friendships. You can be terribly hurt, grow apart or find that friend who helps you see the beauty in yourself that you've never seen or forgotten.
The difficulty is that a marriage is a union of two flawed people. There are no other options. If both of you are sincere in wanting to grow in Christ, if you want the happiness of the other person, if you are kind, gentle, honest, faithful, hopeful, living the fruit of the spirit, it can be phenomenal. One of the keys is each person's ability to forgive, because there are times when we will disappoint each other. We will not always be at our best or meet the other person's expectation. There will be pain. There will be crisis. Why do it? Because it is amazing to know that to someone else, you are the sun, moon and stars. It is wonderful to know that you have a hand to hold to face the world, to know that that person wants to cheer your victories and hold you in the dark times. It is great to explore the world together and to share it all. It feels great to have someone who knows what makes you laugh, what will encourage you and help you to reflect.
One of the hard parts of marriage is that it holds a mirror up to you when you least expect or want it. That is also one of the most valuable things. It is how we grow. When it is done with love, it makes you a better person. We need the encouragement, support, challenge and responsibility. We need lives that are not all about our own wants. We need to learn to give and compromise. A life with sacrifice grows us as Christians. It can't be a power play. Love, pray,forgive, grow, laugh and love some more. Marriage can be a beautiful things if it is a commitment to do the hard and precious work of love.
Beautifully said my dear.I share the same view in a holistic sense most definatley.To be loved,valued,cared for and to be the object of another's affection is the most wonderful thing and God is at the centre of the relationship so there is an abundance of resources from him to make the marriage work and it is him married couples need to rely on to make the marriage work as theu work things through with his guidance.The bible even warns that if a husband doesnt treat his wife right God won't even answer his prayers.
I guess marriage is like wine...it matures over time.
There is the nitty gritty of the everyday life and spouse issues to be dealing with as you well know..yet we have a God who understands our concerns and for some marriage is like a leap into the unknown or a big step of courage..💪💪🙏🙏👍
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
1,408
960
113
#20
As I grow more with myself, it is hard to imagine growing with another person at this point. Which sort of makes me a bit melancholy.

But that's a sad dog or a perhaps a partially rotted melon (insert lame punchline)


I suppose if we were both almost "grown up" and were so tired of singleness it could work out either way. I haven't ever considered secondary bedrooms but perhaps we might have sort of "feline" tendencies at times.

"Imma go out exploring, you wanna go?" "Kind of, not really" "That's ok, I'll see you when I'm hungry" "Mk bye"

Not ever thought along these lines, but maybe a lot of marriage woes would be lessened if people just sort of cohabitated and gave each other a lot of space. It's a strange shift for me, I just feel so distant from marriage even being on the table other than "eventually" or "someday".

Edit: Not to be too morose in this post...but look up "melon collie"