Her Past

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

ManInChrist96

Junior Member
Mar 11, 2016
2
0
0
#1
I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months. And I really feel as though she's ultimately going to be the girl I want to marry.


However, before she was with me, she was in another relationship for over two years. In that relationship, she was consistently pressured into sexual activities, and after fighting it off for a long time, ultimately gave in, and the activities (all activities except actual sex) became a part of the relationship for at least a year. She was somewhat willing, but was most of the time just tired of having to say no, and had grown too dependent on the relationship to end it.


Through the course of my relationship with her, I've done my best not to bring it up. I've maybe instigated two conversations about it, but even those were very brief and just "I'm struggling with this, but I promise I'll get over it." Was never much deeper than that.


But I do still struggle with it a good deal. I regularly (almost daily, often multiple times a day) cringe and get mental images of it happening, and can't help but feel somewhat betrayed. Not necessarily by her, but I guess by "the world" because, if she and I do get married, sexual activity will never be something that just she and I share. I know that God has forgiven her and I should too, and I have tried and will keep trying. But the feeling still remains, and I can't as much as hear a mention of sexual activity (specifically those that happened between them) without getting mental images.


I know it has scarred her too, and she feels guilty, not proud, of what happened to this day. So I try not to talk to her about it, and this is something she's never told anyone else, so I've also kept it a secret.


I know how selfish I must sound making her traumatic situation about me. But it does effect me, and I'm trying to find the best way to cope. I continually pray, and know God will take it away if He feels it's necessary. But I do still need help, because I really don't want to embark on a journey with this girl and have images of my wife and another man for the rest of my life. And I get insecure thinking about how she may think of those experiences on our wedding night or future experiences.


Any advice?
 

Shawn2516

Senior Member
Dec 20, 2013
154
1
0
#2
I agree completely with where your coming from. You want a pure wife, but it seems that option is not available for you. My first question is this: Are you a virgin yourself? Because if not, then your case is a little bit pointless. Your not pure for her either.

However if you are a virgin and she clearly isn't, then there is no pill to fix this and no magic time machine to go back and reverse what is done. What is done is done and it is permanent.

The real question is, can you live with it? If the answer is no, then as much as you want to be with her, you just have to leave. You can't let yourself suffer in silence. Also, you can't keep bringing this up to her either, as she would quickly get annoyed.

Again, what is done is done. So all you can do now is choose. Do you live with it or can you not? Its a tuff decision to make, but remember, if you go down this road and she turns out not to be the one, then you would be putting your future wife in the same position she is already in now.

Me and my wife were both virgins when we married so this was not a problem for me, but I can feel the struggle your having, but really all you can do is let her go, or ask God to love her as he loves her and learn to live with that fault.
 
Jan 31, 2016
161
7
0
#3
If you cant get past it you cant get past it. Its better to let her go so she can find a man who doesnt keep record of wrongs. You have some growing up in Christ still yet to come. If she has repented and is remorseful,that should be enough for you because it certainly is for the LORD she serves.
I corinth 13
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
4,874
403
83
#4
I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months. And I really feel as though she's ultimately going to be the girl I want to marry.


However, before she was with me, she was in another relationship for over two years. In that relationship, she was consistently pressured into sexual activities, and after fighting it off for a long time, ultimately gave in, and the activities (all activities except actual sex) became a part of the relationship for at least a year. She was somewhat willing, but was most of the time just tired of having to say no, and had grown too dependent on the relationship to end it.


Through the course of my relationship with her, I've done my best not to bring it up. I've maybe instigated two conversations about it, but even those were very brief and just "I'm struggling with this, but I promise I'll get over it." Was never much deeper than that.


But I do still struggle with it a good deal. I regularly (almost daily, often multiple times a day) cringe and get mental images of it happening, and can't help but feel somewhat betrayed. Not necessarily by her, but I guess by "the world" because, if she and I do get married, sexual activity will never be something that just she and I share. I know that God has forgiven her and I should too, and I have tried and will keep trying. But the feeling still remains, and I can't as much as hear a mention of sexual activity (specifically those that happened between them) without getting mental images.


I know it has scarred her too, and she feels guilty, not proud, of what happened to this day. So I try not to talk to her about it, and this is something she's never told anyone else, so I've also kept it a secret.


I know how selfish I must sound making her traumatic situation about me. But it does effect me, and I'm trying to find the best way to cope. I continually pray, and know God will take it away if He feels it's necessary. But I do still need help, because I really don't want to embark on a journey with this girl and have images of my wife and another man for the rest of my life. And I get insecure thinking about how she may think of those experiences on our wedding night or future experiences.


Any advice?

I hear what you are saying brother. But we are all broken in many different ways. If we focus on Jesus, and what He has done for us, it is easier to not think about things others have done. If she is indeed a Christian, and you let her go over this, I GUARANTEE the next girl will have a flaw or sin of some type as well. I know this because WE ALL DO.

My advice is to give it time. Grow in love with her, and seek the Lord together. May the Peace, Grace, and Love of Jesus be with you both.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
22,481
1,100
113
63
#5
My advice is to forget about her past, and yours too for that matter. I don't feel that God must necessarily take this away from you too unless it is to remove this woman from your life totally.

You are setting the bar too high for this current relationship and possibly future relationships as well. You will find that the longer you wait before settling down with a wife the more likelihood that there will be accumulated baggage, in her life as well as your own.

What matters in this relationship you are in is what takes place today and will likely take place tomorrow.

Despite her 'past' is she faithful to you? Really, get over it and move forward one way or the other.

You seem unsure about this relationship. Perhaps it's best to end it now, for your sake as well as hers.

Welcome to CC.
 
Last edited:

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
336
83
#6
I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months. And I really feel as though she's ultimately going to be the girl I want to marry.


However, before she was with me, she was in another relationship for over two years. In that relationship, she was consistently pressured into sexual activities, and after fighting it off for a long time, ultimately gave in, and the activities (all activities except actual sex) became a part of the relationship for at least a year. She was somewhat willing, but was most of the time just tired of having to say no, and had grown too dependent on the relationship to end it.


Through the course of my relationship with her, I've done my best not to bring it up. I've maybe instigated two conversations about it, but even those were very brief and just "I'm struggling with this, but I promise I'll get over it." Was never much deeper than that.


But I do still struggle with it a good deal. I regularly (almost daily, often multiple times a day) cringe and get mental images of it happening, and can't help but feel somewhat betrayed. Not necessarily by her, but I guess by "the world" because, if she and I do get married, sexual activity will never be something that just she and I share. I know that God has forgiven her and I should too, and I have tried and will keep trying. But the feeling still remains, and I can't as much as hear a mention of sexual activity (specifically those that happened between them) without getting mental images.


I know it has scarred her too, and she feels guilty, not proud, of what happened to this day. So I try not to talk to her about it, and this is something she's never told anyone else, so I've also kept it a secret.


I know how selfish I must sound making her traumatic situation about me. But it does effect me, and I'm trying to find the best way to cope. I continually pray, and know God will take it away if He feels it's necessary. But I do still need help, because I really don't want to embark on a journey with this girl and have images of my wife and another man for the rest of my life. And I get insecure thinking about how she may think of those experiences on our wedding night or future experiences.


Any advice?

If a woman must be a virgin for you then you need to find that type of woman in your life. Its not fair to you or her to continue in the relationship. She has this past and there is nothing that can be done to change it. But honest with her and then let her go. You'll be doing her a favor in the end. If you can't love her past this just end it. People have cheated in a marriage and gotten past it,others cant. Be honest and set her free.
 
Dec 1, 2014
9,702
246
0
#7
Don't share your past intimacies with prospective mates. Nothing positive ever materializes from such conversations. If there's no risk of transferring a communicable disease one way or the other, then talk about the weather for crying out loud. Good grief! :mad:
 
W

wwjd_kilden

Guest
#8
Isn't this a conversation you should have with her, rather than a public forum?
 
U

Ultimatum77

Guest
#9
Before you get married you should pray for spiritual healing....sex is a covenant between two people and when it happens their soul links/gets tied to each other...This is why God doesn't want pre-marital sex because it gives away parts of your soul to others. And whatever they are carrying in terms of demons/uncleanness will cling to your soul if you bind to them sexually. I am not condemning your potential wife but for the benefit of yourself and future (maybe even marriage) she needs to pray and ask God for forgiveness, then renounce all past sexual relationships and demons/uncleanness that has entered into her by way of sexual activity. Then ask the Holy Spirit to fill you up and restore the broken areas of your life....She will find a release and restoration from God and you will feel better as well. Prayer works my friend! That's all I got! God Bless You!
 
C

coby

Guest
#10
Before you get married you should pray for spiritual healing....sex is a covenant between two people and when it happens their soul links/gets tied to each other...This is why God doesn't want pre-marital sex because it gives away parts of your soul to others. And whatever they are carrying in terms of demons/uncleanness will cling to your soul if you bind to them sexually. I am not condemning your potential wife but for the benefit of yourself and future (maybe even marriage) she needs to pray and ask God for forgiveness, then renounce all past sexual relationships and demons/uncleanness that has entered into her by way of sexual activity. Then ask the Holy Spirit to fill you up and restore the broken areas of your life....She will find a release and restoration from God and you will feel better as well. Prayer works my friend! That's all I got! God Bless You!
Yes God can set her free and His blood cleanses her as if it never happened. Let her cut soul ties in Jesus' Name. I got set free from such stuff. It's done away at the cross. If someone would trie to bring that up I'd cut the relationship off.
It's done away in the sea where it's forbidden to fish Corrie ten Boom said.
 

AuntieAnt

Senior Member
Feb 23, 2016
3,907
332
83
#11
But I do still struggle with it a good deal. I regularly (almost daily, often multiple times a day) cringe and get mental images of it happening, and can't help but feel somewhat betrayed. Not necessarily by her, but I guess by "the world" because, if she and I do get married, sexual activity will never be something that just she and I share. I know that God has forgiven her and I should too, and I have tried and will keep trying. But the feeling still remains, and I can't as much as hear a mention of sexual activity (specifically those that happened between them) without getting mental images.

I know how selfish I must sound making her traumatic situation about me. But it does effect me, and I'm trying to find the best way to cope. I continually pray, and know God will take it away if He feels it's necessary. But I do still need help, because I really don't want to embark on a journey with this girl and have images of my wife and another man for the rest of my life. And I get insecure thinking about how she may think of those experiences on our wedding night or future experiences.

Any advice?

“Out of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

You've titled this "Her Past" but in truth, this is really about YOUR past.

Everything you write reveals the spirit of jealousy tormenting you. It’s obvious you don’t feel you measure up. You are convinced some other man has obliterated you from your girlfriend’s mind.

Before you even met this woman, something in your life caused you to become cripplingly insecure and fearful. You must have been hurt badly. It rooted down into your mind and has now blossomed into extreme fear, mistrust of others, obsessive suspicion and unforgiveness.

Even if you married a virgin your jealousy, fear and insecurity won’t disappear, dear young man. Jealousy finds reasons to rear up its ugly head. It feeds on past memories and familiar feelings, of which you seem a prisoner.

My advice: You need counseling, ManInChrist. You need to find a good psychologist who can help you open up and get to the bottom of your obsessive-compulsive behavior, your extreme fear and insecurities. You need healing in your broken heart.

This young woman, or any other woman for that matter (virgin or not), cannot heal you of your pain and fears. YOU are the one who has yourself convinced you’re not good enough. A good counselor can help you find ways of facing your fears and overcoming your past injuries. You can be the better for this, as the Word says: "All things work together for good to them who love the Lord."

As a mother & grandmother, I ask that you please love yourself enough to take the time to become whole and healthy. Marriage can wait. Your future peace of mind and happiness matter right now. You need to realize your own worth and recognize your dignity before you marry. Otherwise, you and she are in for a very long, unstable, sad and restless future.

If you were my son (or grandson), I would hope and pray with all my heart that you would seek out a good counselor, someone you feel free to share with. Just know that every single one of us has hurts from the past and needed to be counseled. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve been counseled by many and I’ve also counseled others. You are not alone. I have faith in you that you’ll find healing and will become stronger through this.. and FREE!

Blessings to you, dear! :)


freedom.jpg
 
Last edited:
C

coby

Guest
#12
But if you get mental images did she tell you all about it a bit too much or something? I think you both need prayer and it's just the devil tormenting you. It was just filthy uncleanness.
I was abused as a kid. Got prayer for that but then I would get an image about it or thoughts that tormented me. I just forgave him and put it to death on the cross and also later with that other stuff. I can't even think about it. It is gone, washed away. I just see Jesus on the cross who took it all away. I got prayer and soul ties cut and an unclean demon kicked out.
My ex had a girlfriend before me and I was a virgin and only wanted a virgin. God told me to not be so judgemental. But he wasn't set free so he still got these images of her while we were married and dreams although he didn't want it. We went to counselling from a church. They cut the soul ties and instantly it was gone.
 

ramx2016

Senior Member
Feb 11, 2016
585
8
0
#13
Before I chime in I need to hear HIS past...
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,502
509
113
#14
To the OP. It's her past. Get over it. Stop being selfish and start caring more about how it affects her and how to help her through HER experiences. You are being a bit self absorbed and making it about you.
 
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
110
0
#15
Tommy Nelson once said that if someone can't forgive you for things you did before they even knew you, how will they be able to forgive you for the things that you will surely do in your future with them. You've made this about you, and it's rooted in pride, jealousy and insecurity, and those are problems with yourself and not with your girlfriend. These are issues that I feel you really need to pray about, because they will affect not only this relationship, but any future relationship you might have if this one doesn't work out.

Do not marry a woman that you look down on for something like this. Marriage requires mutual love and respect, and it isn't fair to her, to find out later that you resent her for her past mistakes. Marriage requires unconditional love and acceptance in order to grow properly.

Now, a bit of reassurance... I'm not a man and my mind doesn't work like a man's mind, so hopefully someone will correct me if this isn't applicable, but I am guessing that much of your anxiety with this stems from the fact that you yourself have never done the things your girlfriend has done, so you have no way to know what it was like for her, and maybe you feel inexperienced (even though that's how you are SUPPOSED to feel right now, having waited as you should) and jealous that someone else has done them with her. Once you are married and have been intimate with her as your wife, I feel like these fears and insecurities will no longer exist, because you'll know "what it's all about". She will not be comparing you with anyone. It's not like that for women. Women focus on their emotions and feelings. She's going to be (at the proper time) focusing on how much you love her and care about her. So, love her. And care about her. :)
 

Shawn2516

Senior Member
Dec 20, 2013
154
1
0
#16
To the OP. It's her past. Get over it. Stop being selfish and start caring more about how it affects her and how to help her through HER experiences. You are being a bit self absorbed and making it about you.
ManInChrist96, please disregard posts like these. We live in a misandic world where men's pain, problems, and suffering is pretty much ignored because you weren't born a girl. Your NOT selfish because you have your own preferences that you want in a relationship. Jesus said no man should divorce his wife, except in the case of fornication. This would technically count as fornication, which means God takes it seriously and God takes your feelings and thoughts on the matter seriously as well. After all, this WILL be the mother of your children should you go through with it. So it shouldn't be taken lightly.

I know most of the people here don't care about you because your the wrong gender and only care about the female, but you need to put YOU first. Its the same advice they would give if it was a girl in your situation.
 
Nov 25, 2014
942
44
0
#18
ManInChrist96, please disregard posts like these. We live in a misandic world where men's pain, problems, and suffering is pretty much ignored because you weren't born a girl. Your NOT selfish because you have your own preferences that you want in a relationship. Jesus said no man should divorce his wife, except in the case of fornication. This would technically count as fornication, which means God takes it seriously and God takes your feelings and thoughts on the matter seriously as well. After all, this WILL be the mother of your children should you go through with it. So it shouldn't be taken lightly.

I know most of the people here don't care about you because your the wrong gender and only care about the female, but you need to put YOU first. Its the same advice they would give if it was a girl in your situation.
This is VERY POOR biblical scholarship. Jesus NEVER SAID what you're claiming he said. What scripture actually says about divorce is that it is allowable in cases of ADULTERY. ADULTERY is not FORNICATION. You'll notice how there are two different words with two different definitions. Please DO NOT MISREPRESENT THE WORDS OF CHRIST in an effort to pretend that your OPINION is somehow a FACT.

Someone having sex prior to marriage IS NOT GROUNDS for divorce. Someone having sex with a person who is not their spouse prior to marriage IS NOT GROUNDS for divorce. Someone having sex with 153 different partners prior to their marriage IS NOT GROUNDS for divorce.

ADULTERY is grounds for divorce. Adultery is when SOMEONE WHO IS ALREADY MARRIED has sex with a person OUTSIDE OF THEIR MARRIAGE.

So, for clarification purposes: Jesus NEVER claimed that fornication was grounds for divorce. Paul never claimed that fornication was grounds for divorce. In fact NO ONE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT claimed that fornication was grounds for divorce.

If you want to believe that it's okay for a person to divorce their spouse because of something that happened before they ever met and married...tear it up...believe it all day long. Post about it on Facebook. Making some memes for your instagram. Write up a blog about it...heck write a whole book about it. However, do not FALSELY CLAIM that your opinion was what Jesus said. It wasn't.
 

ManInChrist96

Junior Member
Mar 11, 2016
2
0
0
#19
“Out of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

You've titled this "Her Past" but in truth, this is really about YOUR past.

Everything you write reveals the spirit of jealousy tormenting you. It’s obvious you don’t feel you measure up. You are convinced some other man has obliterated you from your girlfriend’s mind.

Before you even met this woman, something in your life caused you to become cripplingly insecure and fearful. You must have been hurt badly. It rooted down into your mind and has now blossomed into extreme fear, mistrust of others, obsessive suspicion and unforgiveness.

Even if you married a virgin your jealousy, fear and insecurity won’t disappear, dear young man. Jealousy finds reasons to rear up its ugly head. It feeds on past memories and familiar feelings, of which you seem a prisoner.

My advice: You need counseling, ManInChrist. You need to find a good psychologist who can help you open up and get to the bottom of your obsessive-compulsive behavior, your extreme fear and insecurities. You need healing in your broken heart.

This young woman, or any other woman for that matter (virgin or not), cannot heal you of your pain and fears. YOU are the one who has yourself convinced you’re not good enough. A good counselor can help you find ways of facing your fears and overcoming your past injuries. You can be the better for this, as the Word says: "All things work together for good to them who love the Lord."

As a mother & grandmother, I ask that you please love yourself enough to take the time to become whole and healthy. Marriage can wait. Your future peace of mind and happiness matter right now. You need to realize your own worth and recognize your dignity before you marry. Otherwise, you and she are in for a very long, unstable, sad and restless future.

If you were my son (or grandson), I would hope and pray with all my heart that you would seek out a good counselor, someone you feel free to share with. Just know that every single one of us has hurts from the past and needed to be counseled. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve been counseled by many and I’ve also counseled others. You are not alone. I have faith in you that you’ll find healing and will become stronger through this.. and FREE!

Blessings to you, dear! :)


View attachment 145553
Thank you so much.

And regarding some of the comments, I appreciate everyone's input. The reason I'm seeking this is not because I necessarily want to make this about me. I admit that there's a good amount of insecurity, jealousy, etc. that has come with this, and my hope was just to get some advice on coping with and working through things of that nature. I honestly just don't know where to start. I know I can't undo the past, and in my heart I guess I felt for a long time like I did forgive her (because I love her, and I want her to be my wife, so why wouldn't I? God does and I should too, and I know that), but there is a part of me that does get insecure and jealous, and I'm trying to identify some ways to strengthen that part of me since I know that will go a long way towards fixing this.

Thank you all again so much for your guidance, God bless.
 

Tintin

Senior Member
Jan 3, 2013
20,301
286
0
34
#20
ManInChrist, I can relate somewhat to your situation and I acknowledge your feelings of jealousy etc. but they're not healthy. AuntieAnt's post is very insightful. You must admit your brokeness and ask God to give you a spirit of humility. You must work through that bitterness and learn to forgive, truly forgive her. And you can't do that in your own strength. You must admit to yourself that you can't do it. Only Christ can help you. Counselling will also help and developing a great understanding of who you are in Christ - your identity, purpose, authority etc. is vital to your healing and to the healing of those you come into contact with. You must rely on God and trust Him, you must spend regular quality time with Him and with other trusted Christians. You must put God first. I'm working on these things myself. Personally, I'd leave relationships for when you've healed. And that could take some time. But it would be time well spent.