How do you know when you are ready...

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CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#1
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#1
for a relationship?

When is a young adult ready for marriage?

When is one ready for another relationship after a divorce, the death of a spouse, or a personal tragedy?

There are some emotional scars that people will carry with them for the rest of their lives. How does one know when one is healed enough to pursue a relationship? or mature enough? We probably all know people who are not ready for a relationship for whatever reason. We may even say such things about ourselves.

And these things may even be true for a while. But how long? I will always have a sense of regret for my own contributions to a bad marriage. I forgave myself. I forgave my ex wife - I've even prayed for her. I've allowed God to heal me - to get rid of anger...of feelings of abandonment. I've gone from being repulsed by the idea of dating, to reluctantly dating a little bit before I was ready to, to being totally open to the possibility of meeting someone special. I'm wondering when that happened - it's not like I woke up one day saying "I'm ready for a relationship!" when I hadn't felt that way the day before.

So is there a determining factor where one can determine that they are mature enough, or healthy enough to share their lives with someone?
 
D

DarlinNadia

Guest
#2
#2
This is an excellent question CatHerder...

I do not know the answer. But I know for certain I haven't been ready for a relationship myself up until now... and I'm still not sure if I'm really ready.

Like me, you might feel like you want to skip all that "getting to know you" phase... but this is part of it. I'm finally ready to enter into this phase after 4 years. Well i *THINK* i am.. there is no one on my horizon, but at least I've stopped taking pop shots at those that bother stepping up to my gates ... of hell? man maybe I'm not ready after all lol.
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#3
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#3
DarlinNadia said:
This is an excellent question CatHerder...

I do not know the answer. But I know for certain I haven't been ready for a relationship myself up until now... and I'm still not sure if I'm really ready.

Like me, you might feel like you want to skip all that "getting to know you" phase... but this is part of it. I'm finally ready to enter into this phase after 4 years. Well i *THINK* i am.. there is no one on my horizon, but at least I've stopped taking pop shots at those that bother stepping up to my gates ... of hell? man maybe I'm not ready after all lol.
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haha - I think you touched on a related question: How do you know you are not deceiving yourself by declaring that you are ready when you are really not?

I would not want to skip the "getting to know you" phase. I think that's part of the fun. Actually, I see myself wanting to go reeeaaaaaalllyyy sssslllloooooowwww in the relationship to the point that she would probably get bored and move on before I figured out how serious I was about her. But I'd rather error on being too cautious than ignoring a buncha red flags. BTDT!!
 
DuchessAimee

DuchessAimee

Senior Member
#4
Apr 27, 2011
3,922
129
63
#4
There is no right answer.



You see, time heals nothing. Time doesn't do as much as we think it does to help the situation. In reality, if given something enough time, it can become poisonous, it can became necrotic, it can die.


What heals us is work and action and God. We like to say that time heals all wounds, and I suppose it does- as long as you work your butt off. You aren't going to garner a crop without digging up the old and planting the new. Yes, it takes time, but that time doesn't heal. The work does.


For me, I knew I was ready to date again when I didn't have the hurt and bitterness towards him that I once did. I knew I was ready when I didn't bring him up all the time. I knew I was ready when I didn't want a relationship to make me feel better about myself. That's important. A lot of people will get into a relationship, any relationship, to make themselves feel better about themselves. Because people to them aren't any more than wells of affection from which they can draw whenever they please. When I wanted to be in a relationship so that I could help and bless the other person more than I wanted to be helped and blessed myself, I knew I was ready.
 
H

humbleservnt

Guest
#5
#5
DuchessAimee said:
There is no right answer.



You see, time heals nothing. Time doesn't do as much as we think it does to help the situation. In reality, if given something enough time, it can become poisonous, it can became necrotic, it can die.


What heals us is work and action and God. We like to say that time heals all wounds, and I suppose it does- as long as you work your butt off. You aren't going to garner a crop without digging up the old and planting the new. Yes, it takes time, but that time doesn't heal. The work does.


For me, I knew I was ready to date again when I didn't have the hurt and bitterness towards him that I once did. I knew I was ready when I didn't bring him up all the time. I knew I was ready when I didn't want a relationship to make me feel better about myself. That's important. A lot of people will get into a relationship, any relationship, to make themselves feel better about themselves. Because people to them aren't any more than wells of affection from which they can draw whenever they please. When I wanted to be in a relationship so that I could help and bless the other person more than I wanted to be helped and blessed myself, I knew I was ready.
Click to expand...
I am also in a similar place, and I believe this answer really clarifies and puts into words the answer I have been looking for. Thanks =)
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#6
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#6
I would definitely agree that time, on it's own, does nothing to heal. It can just as easily fester. However, I also believe that time is often a crucial part of the healing. Even working my butt off, I wouldn't have been able to get past my ordeal without the simple act of time passing by to put distance between myself and what happened. And I do feel like I'm past it. Healing will probably continue for the rest of my life, but I'm out of the ER and content in my life.

As for knowing when we are ready... ugh. I wish we came with little turkey buttons that popped out when we were "done". Is it cheating to say that everyone is different? I know some people who've gone on to remarry quickly after losing a loved one, because that's what they needed. Others never remarried at all.
 
P

parablepete

Guest
#7
#7
DuchessAimee.....Are you a counselor? I enjoy reading your comments. I like the way you think.

I can see how that could help people like it did Humbleservant. Just saying!
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#8
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#8
DuchessAimee said:
There is no right answer.



You see, time heals nothing. Time doesn't do as much as we think it does to help the situation. In reality, if given something enough time, it can become poisonous, it can became necrotic, it can die.


What heals us is work and action and God. We like to say that time heals all wounds, and I suppose it does- as long as you work your butt off. You aren't going to garner a crop without digging up the old and planting the new. Yes, it takes time, but that time doesn't heal. The work does.


For me, I knew I was ready to date again when I didn't have the hurt and bitterness towards him that I once did. I knew I was ready when I didn't bring him up all the time. I knew I was ready when I didn't want a relationship to make me feel better about myself. That's important. A lot of people will get into a relationship, any relationship, to make themselves feel better about themselves. Because people to them aren't any more than wells of affection from which they can draw whenever they please. When I wanted to be in a relationship so that I could help and bless the other person more than I wanted to be helped and blessed myself, I knew I was ready.
Click to expand...
I love this answer - time ALONE doesn't heal, but processing your feelings and allowing God to heal you...which takes TIME, does.
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#9
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#9
Grace-Like-Rain said:
As for knowing when we are ready... ugh. I wish we came with little turkey buttons that popped out when we were "done".
Click to expand...
This is one of the funniest things I have read in CC yet!! :p
 
J

just_monicat

Senior Member
#12
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#12
i largely agree with what's been expressed here.

and i deeply concur with aimee's post, but will add that i do think time is VERY important, but only in concert with the work, perspective and effort made to learn, grow and seek healing. i don't care how "healed" a guy might appear, if he doesn't have some actual time between him and his last relationship (especially a divorce or long term relationship) i would be very reluctant to proceed.

i think there is a limit to how much we can process emotionally, and that we simply cannot outrun the calendar on some things. God, life and experiences heal, and create further shade and depth to how we perceive our past and gain ability to access its lessons. people talk about baggage.

i believe our baggage can be turned into powerful teaching and insight when that time and healing has taken place.

for me, it was all about healing my wounds and issues that were far deeper than just my last relationship. i have never had bitterness or contempt from a relationship, probably because i have a tendency to assign more blame on myself than others --that's true for any relationship i have.

for me, i'd just dealt with so much by packing it into a box and shoving it into my closet. while i thought i had dealt with my stuff, it always leaked out and colored my perceptions.

what i did have was deep regrets.

what relationships HAVE done for me is help to reveal those issues in myself that needed more work. and also, to learn what i needed (and couldn't handle). in my experience, most people don't seem to have the peace and healing (and courage) to be fully seen. and few seem to have fully autopsied and synthesized the lessons their previous relationships have to offer.

my big regret is that it took so long for me to allow God to do the work He needed. i knew i was ready when i held no ill will against myself, and that i could stop feeling the chains of my need to become what i felt others "needed me to be". to be capable to be fully seen, and remain authentically honest and true to myself and who God has created and molded me to become.


 
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BananaPie

Guest
#13
#13
Grace-Like-Rain said:
...I wish we came with little turkey buttons that popped out when we were "done".
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ROFL!
***********************
As for the OP, before committing your heart to a healthy relationship, how about the equivalency: wait 1 year for every 3 years you were married? :)


 
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J

just_monicat

Senior Member
#14
Jan 1, 2014
1,284
17
0
#14
Grace-Like-Rain said:
However, I also believe that time is often a crucial part of the healing. Even working my butt off, I wouldn't have been able to get past my ordeal without the simple act of time passing by to put distance between myself and what happened.
Click to expand...
YES. i wish i'd read this first before i posted! great minds, sister...
 
B

BananaPie

Guest
#15
#15
When it comes to committing my heart to a godly relationship, I wear this T-shirt. :p

 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#16
Apr 18, 2013
9,328
2,417
113
#16
When will you be ready for a relationship?

That's like asking me when I'll understand women!

I'm never going to understand women...
but I still like them.

: )
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#17
#17
Nothing and no one can heal us except God. Our close relationship with God and us surrendering to Him everything, allowing Him to cleans our hearts, heal our wounds n' hurts, gives us wisdom to learn from past mistakes and waiting on Him to give us the right spouse from His own hands while keeping Him in the center of this new relationship. God is the one who will make us ready at His own right time. He will give us this peace n' happiness. You will feel you don't need to question things twice because everything will be so clear. Going smoothly with no doubts. You will feel God's blessing IF it's from God. :)
 
Loveneverfails

Loveneverfails

Senior Member
#18
Feb 18, 2013
1,294
26
0
#18
CatHerder said:
for a relationship?

When is a young adult ready for marriage?


So is there a determining factor where one can determine that they are mature enough, or healthy enough to share their lives with someone?
Click to expand...
There has been some great wisdom posted here about a previously married person re-entering a relationship. Given that I've never married, I'll try to address your other questions.

In my opinion, a young adult is ready to pursue marriage (or a serious relationship that could lead to marriage) when he/she:

- Does not approach the relationship thinking "what can this person do for me?", but rather "I care deeply for this person. Am I ready and willing to love this person the way Christ loves me?" (1 John 4:19)
- Acknowledges that their potential future spouse IS a sinner, and even if they exhibit many fruits of the spirit and have a thriving relationship with Christ, they are not perfect. One must be prepared to do a lot of forgiving in a marriage, just as Christ has forgiven us. (Col 3:13)
- Is teachable and accountable. He or she must be humble enough to seek out and take heed of the wisdom and correction that other godly men and women may provide. For example, if every Christian mentor in your life says that you really shouldn't marry that girl, maybe you need to reconsider.. (Proverbs 12:1)
- Has learned from older godly men and women that marriage is rewarding but very challenging. In a relationship between two sinners, we can't rely on our own strength to make things work. Christ must be the source of life and strength. (Phil 4:13)
- Prioritizes his/her relationship with Christ above any other relationship.

Of course, I'm sure there are many other factors. These are just some that came to mind. Also, I am definitely preaching to myself here, too.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#19
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
2,361
113
#19
Well, a wise man once said that you were ready for a relationship maturity wise when you had assumed the responsibilities of adulthood. I think I would add something about having the courage to not be controlled by the fear of being hurt or hurting someone else; that's almost guaranteed to happen when you get close to someone.

The advice I've always lived by is that any romantic relationship you get into can only end in 1 of 2 ways: you will either marry that person or break up with them (someone may point out that one of you could also tragically die while dating, but I'm going to assume that to be a statistically insignificant occurrence). Therefore if you aren't ready to seriously consider marriage then you are only setting yourself up for the pain of a breakup.

I think there's also something to be said for ready as I'll ever be (but that may be because I'm a chronic over over-preparer). You'll only know you are done with some relational challenges / mistakes in the context of another relationship, i.e. you have to have a next time to be able to do something right the next time, but you should have an idea of how you went wrong before.

And as a closing thought, maybe it isn't about being healthy enough to share our lives, maybe by having the courage to share our lives (and care for those who share their lives with us) in big ways and smaller ways we become healthy. In which case by starting this thread you are on the right path, Catherder.
 
P

Primrose

Guest
#20
#20
CatHerder said:
for a relationship?

When is a young adult ready for marriage?

When is one ready for another relationship after a divorce, the death of a spouse, or a personal tragedy?

There are some emotional scars that people will carry with them for the rest of their lives. How does one know when one is healed enough to pursue a relationship? or mature enough? We probably all know people who are not ready for a relationship for whatever reason. We may even say such things about ourselves.

And these things may even be true for a while. But how long? I will always have a sense of regret for my own contributions to a bad marriage. I forgave myself. I forgave my ex wife - I've even prayed for her. I've allowed God to heal me - to get rid of anger...of feelings of abandonment. I've gone from being repulsed by the idea of dating, to reluctantly dating a little bit before I was ready to, to being totally open to the possibility of meeting someone special. I'm wondering when that happened - it's not like I woke up one day saying "I'm ready for a relationship!" when I hadn't felt that way the day before.

So is there a determining factor where one can determine that they are mature enough, or healthy enough to share their lives with someone?
Click to expand...
for a relationship?
- I don't know. I May or may not ready. All I know is that I need to depend my life and love life to the Lord. I know that His plan for me is always the best.

When is a young adult ready for marriage?
- When these young adults are matured enough. When they are spiritually, emotionally, and mentally healthy and strong. When they have put God in the center of their relationship and when they knew that marriage is a lifetime partnership and a commitment. It maybe a cliche, yet I still believe that love is a choice not a feeling.

When is one ready for another relationship after a divorce, the death of a spouse, or a personal tragedy?
- God heals our broken hearts and soul. Leave everything to God and Let Him work in your life.

There are some emotional scars that people will carry with them for the rest of their lives. How does one know when one is healed enough to pursue a relationship? or mature enough? We probably all know people who are not ready for a relationship for whatever reason. We may even say such things about ourselves.
- When you can laugh at it (the pain of the past). When you begin to overcome the bitterness and resentment and felt peace inside. I think That's when you knew that you are healed.

And these things may even be true for a while. But how long? I will always have a sense of regret for my own contributions to a bad marriage. I forgave myself. I forgave my ex wife - I've even prayed for her. I've allowed God to heal me - to get rid of anger...of feelings of abandonment. I've gone from being repulsed by the idea of dating, to reluctantly dating a little bit before I was ready to, to being totally open to the possibility of meeting someone special. I'm wondering when that happened - it's not like I woke up one day saying "I'm ready for a relationship!" when I hadn't felt that way the day before.
- I see that there's still guilt within you brother or perhaps a feeling of resentment. You need to be freed from it. Ask God for healing and acceptance. It is the first step that you must do before going for a new relationship.

God bless!
 
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