How High Should One's Sexual Wanting Be as a Motivator to Get Married?

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Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
15,927
5,462
113
#63
its important to be honest if you want children

You shouldnt have to lie about it. I know some wives actually did this and caused all sorts of problems when they say good news Im pregant and their husband or partner was like huh I thought you didnt want any.
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,834
978
113
31
#64
Yeeeah replying to this thread was a dumb idea....
Also consider the perspective Seoulsearch has is hers, and not necessarily indicative of all women and therefore you are still dateable. For instance women, and men, ultimately are competing with each other when you consider dating. So whether someone wishes to compete with other people (or imaginations) or not, ultimately they are.

Not even considering porn itself, but just societies standards of beauty and expectations when it comes to relationships. All the women men have been exposed to in media and movies. People have likings and dislikings.

Let’s not forget women too struggle with lust. So they are equally in your boat, sharing in a struggle you’ve had. In fact, that just might make you relatable (in a positive twist).

None of this to dismiss lust or porn addiction because victory is found in Christ. And if you are struggling with porn, get to the root. “Why?” Ask the Lord to reveal this to you. Sin is the symptom, not the disease. Get to the heart of the matter. Chin up because as long as you have Christ, you have hope.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
13,761
3,818
113
#65
Yup, glad to know im undateable. I might still look as I like to torture myself with things I cant have. Im hoping my cancer comes back soon at this point.
Koji,

I'm glad for your honest replies to this and other threads.

The thing is, every single one of us has issues that will be seen as "undateable" by others. We all come from different backgrounds and develop different tolerance levels. For myself, I try to avoid dating someone with a porn addiction because of having done so in the past and knowing that it sends me into a deep spiral of depression, leaving me useless both for my own life and for the other person.

But I certainly don't represent the entire dating pool. And it's true that nowadays, it seems nearly impossible to find someone without that attraction, so my choice of trying to avoid porn addictions makes me just as "undateable" as the people who have them. There are times when I am accuses of being old-fashioned, a prude, not understanding how men work ("after all, God made men visual!!!",) etc. But every time I've made an exception, it eventually steals away my soul and so I try my best to avoid it if I possibly can.

You might struggle with porn -- but that doesn't mean you are somehow lesser or more "undatable" than anyone else. I don't know what God's will is for singles and the struggles we face. Maybe God's answer is really for us all to be more acceptable of someone else, addictions and all, I'm not sure.

Since you have been vulnerable in my thread and share something very personal here, I think it's only fair that I do the same, though I have mentioned this before throughout my time here. Some people might cope with the difficulties of life with porn and sexual behaviors outside of the boundaries God sets for us.

Me? I struggle with vomiting up my food and making cuts into my skin. For a long time, it was under better control than ever in many years, but recent events beyond my control have once again pushed me over the edge, and I find myself struggling against these old foes once again. I'm sure you can relate to this and probably feel the same way about porn -- at the time, it seems like some kind of relief, but in reality, it is only destroying us.

And I'm sure that to many, the things I've chosen as my release valves would make me very "undateable" to them as well. (I tell myself they're better than other vices like drinking because I say that I'm only hurting myself and not anyone else.)

Shoot, the very fact that I'm still single as well after so many years might very well be proof of how undateable I am too?

My whole point in posting this is to say that we all have problems, we all have issues, we all have things that others will regard as disqualifications, and I know it's hard not to fall into a state of despair.

I used to lie awake at night wishing I had cancer just because I had given up on everything.

I don't know what the answers are, and I wish I could give you some kind of cheerful antidote. If I were a "good" Christian, I'd tell you about the love of God and our hope in Christ, but the thing for me is that this wonderful life with Jesus -- comes AFTER WE DIE -- so what hope is there in continuing to live?

I understand so well what it's like to feel that way.

Keep hanging out with us, Koji. Maybe we can all keep finding the answers together.

God bless you.
 

Kojikun

Well-known member
Oct 5, 2018
4,658
2,717
113
#66
Koji,

I'm glad for your honest replies to this and other threads.

The thing is, every single one of us has issues that will be seen as "undateable" by others. We all come from different backgrounds and develop different tolerance levels. For myself, I try to avoid dating someone with a porn addiction because of having done so in the past and knowing that it sends me into a deep spiral of depression, leaving me useless both for my own life and for the other person.

But I certainly don't represent the entire dating pool. And it's true that nowadays, it seems nearly impossible to find someone without that attraction, so my choice of trying to avoid porn addictions makes me just as "undateable" as the people who have them. There are times when I am accuses of being old-fashioned, a prude, not understanding how men work ("after all, God made men visual!!!",) etc. But every time I've made an exception, it eventually steals away my soul and so I try my best to avoid it if I possibly can.

You might struggle with porn -- but that doesn't mean you are somehow lesser or more "undatable" than anyone else. I don't know what God's will is for singles and the struggles we face. Maybe God's answer is really for us all to be more acceptable of someone else, addictions and all, I'm not sure.

Since you have been vulnerable in my thread and share something very personal here, I think it's only fair that I do the same, though I have mentioned this before throughout my time here. Some people might cope with the difficulties of life with porn and sexual behaviors outside of the boundaries God sets for us.

Me? I struggle with vomiting up my food and making cuts into my skin. For a long time, it was under better control than ever in many years, but recent events beyond my control have once again pushed me over the edge, and I find myself struggling against these old foes once again. I'm sure you can relate to this and probably feel the same way about porn -- at the time, it seems like some kind of relief, but in reality, it is only destroying us.

And I'm sure that to many, the things I've chosen as my release valves would make me very "undateable" to them as well. (I tell myself they're better than other vices like drinking because I say that I'm only hurting myself and not anyone else.)

Shoot, the very fact that I'm still single as well after so many years might very well be proof of how undateable I am too?

My whole point in posting this is to say that we all have problems, we all have issues, we all have things that others will regard as disqualifications, and I know it's hard not to fall into a state of despair.

I used to lie awake at night wishing I had cancer just because I had given up on everything.

I don't know what the answers are, and I wish I could give you some kind of cheerful antidote. If I were a "good" Christian, I'd tell you about the love of God and our hope in Christ, but the thing for me is that this wonderful life with Jesus -- comes AFTER WE DIE -- so what hope is there in continuing to live?

I understand so well what it's like to feel that way.

Keep hanging out with us, Koji. Maybe we can all keep finding the answers together.

God bless you.
Tbh I try to stay away from this site as much as I can. I unfortunately cant figure out how to delete this account (I dont think there is a way) its not because of these kind of threads or the threads you make. Its an entirely different issue and I wont go into detail. That being said I have struck out again (twice actually) recently. One female who really likes me but I dont feel a connection with (which I feel awful about that I cant return her feelings which has led to my realization that I cannot date) and another female I enjoy talking to but she is already taken. I am still friends with both but my own feelings on the matter are a burden and incredibly confusing to me. I have always been very indecisive and when that comes to relationships and romance it can be destructive for everyone involved. I have talked to people that tell me my shallowness and unrealistic expectations are because of my addiction. If I can get rid of the addiction im hoping I can finally start healing from this.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
20,083
5,838
113
#67
Yup, glad to know im undateable. I might still look as I like to torture myself with things I cant have. Im hoping my cancer comes back soon at this point.
Who said undateable?

It is an issue that needs to be dealt with. If you date a woman the comparison with a fantasy will be there. That doesn't mean undateable. It means you need to deal with the issue before you start dating.

I'm (fairly) certain it can be dealt with, because I know some guys who have dealt with it.

Look at it this way, at least you know it's an issue you will need to handle before you start dating. It won't blindside you (and her) after you have tried to form a relationship with her.
 
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
1,048
113
#68
Interesting you should say that. This is exactly why seoulsearch said she was leery of going out with anybody who was addicted to porn. She wasn't really hopeful about being able to compete with an imaginary woman in an imaginary situation. It's interesting that her qualms were right on target.
If I ever found myself single, I would stay clear of any woman on social media. Porn feeds the sexual appetite and social media feeds the acceptance appetite. Both are basic needs and highly addictive. It’s been said, girls play at sex to get love, and boys play at love to get sex. There is a lot of truth in that.
 

RodB651

Active member
Feb 11, 2021
229
152
43
#69
Deuteronomy 21:10-14...
10When you go to war against your enemies and the LORD your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, 11if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. 12Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails 13and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured. After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife. 14If you are not pleased with her, let her go wherever she wishes. You must not sell her or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her.


I'm quoting this because it occurred to me that I haven't quoted scripture here in a long time, but I think this set of verses might be relevant to the conversation.
How might it be relevant? You can't let sex drive be your driving force for getting into a marriage that you are going to regret later.
When I was younger, I would have disagreed with what I just said. But as I've gotten older and possibly more mature, you have to have much more than this. There have to be things you enjoy doing together. Can you sit in the same room and just have a conversation and actually enjoy sitting together and having this conversation. Do you really enjoy being with this person? Sex should be that thing that comes after marriage because it just happens to be something that you enjoy doing together. It shouldn't be THE driving force.
That's my blah blah blah for the morning.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
15,927
5,462
113
#70
seoul
I am sorry to hear you have some real struggles (self harm and bulimia) going on
from what I know of others who go through the same thing the most healing thing you can do is go to God and ask for the blessing He will give to you. (I have no doubt that He will)

You are accepted in the Beloved. Hes not going to abandon you ever, Nobody is going to snatch you out of His hand.

and sometimes I think the whole reason God keeps many of us single is that He is jealous for us and doesnt want anybody, not even another man or woman to take us away from Him.