Judgemental Christians

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MegMarch

Well-known member
Nov 11, 2019
432
413
63
#1
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,927
1,978
113
#2
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
1) I don't date, probably because of many of the reasons you listed
2) If I were to date, I would only take advice from a very select few people. Most other people probably wouldn't know I was dating until I was pretty confident in the relationship.

Since that's not likely very helpful for people looking to date or needing some guidance in dating, here are some other observations:

The person you marry will pretty much become the most significant person in the world to you, so if you're to the point where you're thinking about marrying that person should be becoming pretty high up there in significance. If someone accuses you of trying to replace God with a people or making a people into your god, I'd say make them cite some specific evidence before you believe them. Also remember that while God is the source, he often works through people.

Be prudent but don't drag your feet. It will take time and deep conversations to establish a solid foundation to the relationship. Don't short circuit the relationship building process by rushing into the physical connecting. And spend some time thinking what level of connection is appropriate at each stage of the relationship ( seriously, please don't be paying someone else's debts or buying them super expensive presents after the first couple dates and don't let them do the same for you either).

Perhaps a good measure of the relationship would be to ask yourself: if something happened and you could never physically consummate the relationship, would you still choose this relationship over any other potentials.

Character counts far more than hours spent in church, number of Bible verses quoted, or number of Christian books with good teaching a person has read. If this person doesn't display acceptable character to their family, cashiers, waitresses, and other average strangers as well as toward you; they aren't someone you want to live with for the next several decades.

As much as possible get involved in each other's activities and daily lives. Online only or primarily can leave you in for a lot of surprises like someone having a totally different schedule, liking a very loud / quiet environment, foods they can't eat or stand the smell of, etc. when you start spending time together in person.

Be clear with each other about your level of commitment, one date is not a commitment or a relationship. Getting together several times a week for 6 months is starting to look and feel like something significant even if one party keeps wanting to call it close friends ( good rule of thumb I picked up from an online article is less than 2 hours a week one on one time if you're not dating / pursuing a relationship)

Ok hopefully that is some wise and useful advice, but it comes from someone who doesn't date so actual results may vary.
 

climbthehill

Active member
May 13, 2020
216
164
43
U.S.A.
#3
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
You Don't have to worry about how other Christians and what they think about dating. Aside from Biblical standards you already know where you stand. So just be free to be yourself and enjoy your life...after all...Holy Spirit is a very great Teacher right? Your Free..💯
 
S

Scribe

Guest
#4
Advice and opinions about dating is not judging.

The admonition not to judge or you will be judged, or with the judgment you use you will judged, or judge according to righteous judgment, or do not judge according to outward appearance (all mentioned in scripture) is different than giving people your opinion about dating, what is good and what is bad about dating or how to do it right.

If someone called you an immoral woman because they saw a man come out of your house in the morning without knowing any other details they would be judging by outward appearance and would be sinning against God. They have no idea who the man was, it could have been your brother for all they know.

For someone to tell you that you should not date people you meet online, but rather you should get involved in ministry opportunities through your church and meet someone who is as sold out to serving Christ in ministry as you are, is a better way to find a Godly relationship, is not judging, it is good advice. But even if you do not agree that it is good advice, they are still not guilty of judging you with that judgment that the scripture tells us not to do.

So the question you have is how should you respond to dating advice that you do not agree with? Change the subject? No since in arguing with someone over it. The western mindset of Dating is not a Jewish or 1st Century cultural concept so you will not find anything in the scriptures to guide you concerning the cultural dos and donts of dating.

I personally do not like dating. I have never had any taste for it. It has always seemed uncomfortable, empty and boring to me. I would rather be involved in group activities with friends and get to know people that way. And specifically activities like short term missions trips or evangelistic outreaches, or a myriad of other church volunteer ministries where I can find people who have a passion for Christ and His Word and not just silly women laden with lusts ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Oh.. was I judging? It was a general statement toward those women who only care about having worldly fun and entertainment and expect me to date them in that context. NOT INTERESTED. See you at church!
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,254
4,407
113
#5
um not sure what christian friends you hang out with but mine generally do not judge me on anything I do. They may have their own opinions but only give advice if I ask for them.

I am the same I do not judge. God is the judge not me. Certain things I might question...and some things I disagree with but God knows their circumstances much better than I do.

on dating not that I do it much I actually prefer to hang out in groups and if its one on one and Im not sure about someone I might then ask for prayer. But I always ask God first. If Hes ok with it I go and if Hes not I dont.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,254
4,407
113
#6
Your friends sound a bit judgemental in general OR it could be you are preceiving it as judging when they are just recommending or trying to encourage you?


eg how often you read your bible. Well personally its good to read your Bible everyday, in fact in the Bible itself its says to read everyday or not let it be far from your lips but this is out of love for God not out of obligation!!!

I just get the feeling whatever church you are part of is more religious/tradition based than spiritual. Dont try and be perfect you dont need to EARN your salvation. It is a gift. Many people lose sight of this and base everything on works...when its actually faith that sees us through and faith by works not works with no faith.

so I think you may need to just have a chat with God about this....
 

EternalFire

Well-known member
Jan 3, 2019
468
263
63
#7
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
I encourage you to have a read of the book of Job when it comes to evaluating "judgement" from friends.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
17,986
4,781
113
#8
MegMarch: If the people who have these opinions are people who do not matter to you, ignore their opinions on this as you would ignore their opinions about what you had for lunch.

The people who DO matter to you are the ones you should listen to... even if what they say about your date goes directly against your opinion or what you want to hear.

I hope you do have some of those people who do matter to you. They are indispensable. If I ever find a lady that I want to date and maybe someday marry, there are a few precious people I trust that I would seek opinions from before we took the relationship too far.
 

TabinRivCA

Well-known member
Oct 23, 2018
7,855
7,347
113
#10
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
I went to a Mentoring Matters class last summer led by a lady in a beautiful marriage. Her #1 thing was to ask the person what Church they went to. This was her deciding factor in the choice of her husband:love:.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,927
1,978
113
#11
For someone to tell you that you should not date people you meet online, but rather you should get involved in ministry opportunities through your church and meet someone who is as sold out to serving Christ in ministry as you are, is a better way to find a Godly relationship, is not judging, it is good advice. But even if you do not agree that it is good advice, they are still not guilty of judging you with that judgment that the scripture tells us not to do.
Speaking for probably quite a few frustrated single Christian women I just want to put a reality check on that advice: How many single Christian men volunteer in ministries at your church? I think in many churches (especially non-megachurches) the answer to that is an extremely small number or 0. So while in an ideal world that's a great idea, in the world many of us live in that's kind of like going unicorn hunting.
 
S

Scribe

Guest
#12
Speaking for probably quite a few frustrated single Christian women I just want to put a reality check on that advice: How many single Christian men volunteer in ministries at your church? I think in many churches (especially non-megachurches) the answer to that is an extremely small number or 0. So while in an ideal world that's a great idea, in the world many of us live in that's kind of like going unicorn hunting.
To give advice like this I am assuming that the single person is completely surrendered to Jesus Christ and wants to be used by God in fulfilling the Great Commission. Then based on that assumption they would probably go to a church where there was plenty of activity going on involving the fulfilling of the great commission. If not they need to find that kind of church and there are many. Then once that is settled they would be involved and meet people who are involved of all ages, single and married who are also involved. If, however the single person is not all that interested in the great commission or in ministry involvement I would not give them any dating advice at all. 1) They have something much more important they need to attend to, namely their lukewarm attitude toward Christ. 2) I would not want want some naive young evangelist to make the mistake of dating them.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,927
1,978
113
#13
To give advice like this I am assuming that the single person is completely surrendered to Jesus Christ and wants to be used by God in fulfilling the Great Commission. Then based on that assumption they would probably go to a church where there was plenty of activity going on involving the fulfilling of the great commission. If not they need to find that kind of church and there are many. Then once that is settled they would be involved and meet people who are involved of all ages, single and married who are also involved. If, however the single person is not all that interested in the great commission or in ministry involvement I would not give them any dating advice at all. 1) They have something much more important they need to attend to, namely their lukewarm attitude toward Christ. 2) I would not want want some naive young evangelist to make the mistake of dating them.
Just to be clear, I wasn't asking about church in general. I was asking you to think about your specific church. How many single young men are involved in ministries at YOUR church? How likely would a godly young woman at your church be to find a date let alone a husband by following this advice at YOUR church?

My point being that this ideal church that you describe is not an accurate picture of most churches in existence even if they're good, god-honoring churches.
 
S

Scribe

Guest
#14
Just to be clear, I wasn't asking about church in general. I was asking you to think about your specific church. How many single young men are involved in ministries at YOUR church? How likely would a godly young woman at your church be to find a date let alone a husband by following this advice at YOUR church?

My point being that this ideal church that you describe is not an accurate picture of most churches in existence even if they're good, god-honoring churches.
Single men involved in ministry in my church? At least 10 and I am sure there will be more when we start new outreaches like prison bible study. Some of them date and some don't. It seems to me that the more ministry oriented people don't believe in dating. Some do, but they tend to be the younger ones like freshmen college age.
 
S

Scribe

Guest
#15
Single men involved in ministry in my church? At least 10 and I am sure there will be more when we start new outreaches like prison bible study. Some of them date and some don't. It seems to me that the more ministry oriented people don't believe in dating. Some do, but they tend to be the younger ones like freshmen college age.
And it does not have to be in your church alone that one finds a group to fellowship with who are involved in ministry. You can volunteer with all kinds of parachurch ministries if you start looking for them. What is your ministry passion? What area of service for God do you love? Find some people doing that and join them. Its not that hard.
We almost always find the time to do what we really enjoy.
 

JesusLives

Senior Member
Oct 11, 2013
14,020
1,778
113
66
#16
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
I really don't know.... But it really isn't any of their business what you do. That is between you God and who ever you would be dating. I guess I don't really think about what other people think and it is really sad if they feel the need to judge everything you are doing... Maybe they should read the judge not lest ye be judged. And with the measure you judge it will be judged against you.... paraphrasing of course...

You only need to worry about your relationship with God about your dating situations and let Him be your judge....
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,833
970
113
31
#17
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that Meg. 😕 I don’t know the way your friends are wording these judgements, such as encouraging you to get into the Word of God instead of guilt tripping you into it. Maybe it’s a matter of them meaning well, but their delivery is poor?

If not, and they are simply offering their criticisms of your walk without meekness, or genuine concern for your well-being and are just spewing self righteous, maybe time away from them will do you good? I’m not saying cut them off completely, but they obviously are not edifying you but tearing you down.

As far as dating environment, and the criteria your friends are placing on you to do it in a certain way, see if there is wisdom in their words. Consider it, and if it’s garbage, toss it to the side. You shouldn’t let their judgement of you hinder you from walking in standards you know are good. You aren’t living up to their standards, you are living up to God’s standards. What does the Lord want you to do?

As always Meg, I appreciated you being an ear to me when I needed someone to listen and if you need some encouragement, I’m here.
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
6,629
3,023
113
#18
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
Easy,,, i am a follower of the LORD Jesus Christ .. I am not the follower of fellow Christians..
So Gods message in the Bible is for me the primary Authority if i try to please anyone it is God..

If fellow Christians want to share with me their concerns about my walk with God that's ok to me.. I will take their concerns / warnings and take them to God and search the scriptures to see if their concerns are valid or not..

It is a simple case i think of being in the frame of mind where one subjugates other people authority and gives all authority to God..

There are people out there who are trapped in being focused on people pleasing and being followers of men ( i mean people as in mankind in general ) People who focus on following men will end up following an imperfect guide.. Yes fellow christiasn can and often do share wisdom because they are inspired to do so by Gods Holy Spirit.. But do not rely on humans performing at 100% infallibility.. they don't.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,758
2,271
113
#19
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
You're the one that has to live with any decision made, not them. So don't let self righteous bullies push you into making a wrong decision.
Also, it seems the ability to tell others how to live is a staple of many Christians, but as long as they are butting into your views and choices then this hyper spiritual facade they put up is false. Otherwise they wouldn't be doing what they're doing. They'd be focused on their own walk and only speaking up when their seemed to be a valid reason.
 
Sep 13, 2018
2,587
885
113
#20
Speaking for probably quite a few frustrated single Christian women I just want to put a reality check on that advice: How many single Christian men volunteer in ministries at your church? I think in many churches (especially non-megachurches) the answer to that is an extremely small number or 0. So while in an ideal world that's a great idea, in the world many of us live in that's kind of like going unicorn hunting.
Sad but true. I am the Only single man in our Men's group...