Judgemental Christians

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
Jun 12, 2020
95
32
18
#21
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
This is legalism. I was 53 when I married and have probably heard it all. I always sought after pastor help with being single and wanting to be married and sometimes was sorry I did. I never could understand why marriage was so important to people who were married but apparantly was of the flesh for single people to want to do. Just strange. I tried to gently push back with truth, not legalistic comments.

Without online dating I am still single, but that doesn't make it right. There is nothing unbiblical about it. It always comes down to our motives.

I spent four hours a day online with the woman I married, that was because I wanted a wife. Some told me fifteen minutes a day was sufficient. That would't work for me. Again, our motives matter. Are we doing something with the motive to please the Lord?

"Strong Christian"-Some people expect perfection perhaps. Marriage will definitely strengthen a Christian because it is the best way for them to see how sinful they are and how much they need Christ and how much they are going to have to depend on him and know what he teaches. We will grow over time and we have to start somewhere.

Waiting a certain amount of time depends on many factors that will require discernment, not pat responses that you will hear.

People, even believers, will not agree with everything we do but all we need to do is please the Lord. He has a few enemies in his time that didn't agree with him.
 
Jun 12, 2020
95
32
18
#22
And it does not have to be in your church alone that one finds a group to fellowship with who are involved in ministry. You can volunteer with all kinds of parachurch ministries if you start looking for them. What is your ministry passion? What area of service for God do you love? Find some people doing that and join them. Its not that hard.
We almost always find the time to do what we really enjoy.
Good advice but my persoanal experience was that I was not trusted as a single Christian man at (then) 40 years of age. I had two separate ministry and parachurch ministry leaders tell me that, only after letting me believe they would allow me to serve and were excited about it. They were lying through their teeth. I was told I could not be trusted as a single man at 40 because that was not normal. It didn't matter to them that I had not been sleeping with anyone and was passionate about ministry.

Don't be surprised to get ignored. Churches aren't perfect and neither are the leaders.
 
Jun 12, 2020
95
32
18
#23
1) I don't date, probably because of many of the reasons you listed
2) If I were to date, I would only take advice from a very select few people. Most other people probably wouldn't know I was dating until I was pretty confident in the relationship.

Since that's not likely very helpful for people looking to date or needing some guidance in dating, here are some other observations:

The person you marry will pretty much become the most significant person in the world to you, so if you're to the point where you're thinking about marrying that person should be becoming pretty high up there in significance. If someone accuses you of trying to replace God with a people or making a people into your god, I'd say make them cite some specific evidence before you believe them. Also remember that while God is the source, he often works through people.

Be prudent but don't drag your feet. It will take time and deep conversations to establish a solid foundation to the relationship. Don't short circuit the relationship building process by rushing into the physical connecting. And spend some time thinking what level of connection is appropriate at each stage of the relationship ( seriously, please don't be paying someone else's debts or buying them super expensive presents after the first couple dates and don't let them do the same for you either).

Perhaps a good measure of the relationship would be to ask yourself: if something happened and you could never physically consummate the relationship, would you still choose this relationship over any other potentials.

Character counts far more than hours spent in church, number of Bible verses quoted, or number of Christian books with good teaching a person has read. If this person doesn't display acceptable character to their family, cashiers, waitresses, and other average strangers as well as toward you; they aren't someone you want to live with for the next several decades.

As much as possible get involved in each other's activities and daily lives. Online only or primarily can leave you in for a lot of surprises like someone having a totally different schedule, liking a very loud / quiet environment, foods they can't eat or stand the smell of, etc. when you start spending time together in person.

Be clear with each other about your level of commitment, one date is not a commitment or a relationship. Getting together several times a week for 6 months is starting to look and feel like something significant even if one party keeps wanting to call it close friends ( good rule of thumb I picked up from an online article is less than 2 hours a week one on one time if you're not dating / pursuing a relationship)

Ok hopefully that is some wise and useful advice, but it comes from someone who doesn't date so actual results may vary.
Character counts far more than hours spent in church, number of Bible verses quoted, or number of Christian books with good teaching a person has read. If this person doesn't display acceptable character to their family, cashiers, waitresses, and other average strangers as well as toward you; they aren't someone you want to live with for the next several decades.

Good thought above.
 

Kojikun

Well-known member
Oct 5, 2018
4,322
2,596
113
#24
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
I ignore them. The likelyhood of finding another Christian female that I have chemistry with is already astronomical. I dont need more rules.
 

kinda

Senior Member
Jun 26, 2013
2,015
978
113
#25
My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?

Laugh it off.

Your not gonna make the people at church happy, they either like you, or find ways to find fault.

I find a very strong dose of sarcasm and humor, as an effective way of handling ackward situations. Probably not the most mature method, but it works for me.

Keep your eyes on the Lord and problems melt away.
 
May 25, 2015
5,964
626
113
#26
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
I ignore. There are a lot of people in the Christian faith who are judgmental. We are all human and we still struggle. I think what you have to truly think about is having a spiritual mentor of some sort (I have a husband and wife who have basically adopted me into their family and who have mentored me for years) and see what God says.

I do not believe online dating is wrong. I have done it. I think a relationship should be able to complement each other. When one falls, you build that person up and vice versa. The thing with online dating is that you are talking to multiple people at once to see which one fits with you.

I read a book when I was in the scene of dating. "Boundaries of Dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend - they are both Christians and I do believe they are or were pastors. This was helpful when I was in the dating world and I think you would actually really like it. They tend to talk about NOT saying goodbye to dating, but actually getting into the dating scene. :)

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dating-Healthy-Choices-Relationships-ebook/dp/B000SEHPZG
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,834
971
113
31
#27
I ignore them. The likelyhood of finding another Christian female that I have chemistry with is already astronomical. I dont need more rules.
I mean, if you go to a Christian college and take Chemistry 101... you’ll find another Christian female you have chemistry with. 😉
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,834
971
113
31
#28
The thing with online dating is that you are talking to multiple people at once to see which one fits with you.
You know, I didn’t ever realize that people actually did this. I figured a person was speaking with a single person and then setting up a date in person (to determine compatibility). Not that the person was speaking with multiple people at once determining which of these people they’d like to go on a date with. 😄

Bobby: So, hows it going?
China: Good, didn’t really like Bob too much.
Bobby: Oh no? Well India isn’t as nice as you.
China: Oh thanks, Rick though he’s gunning for your spot.
Bobby: Yeah, Katy could beat you any day now.

😂
 
S

Susanna

Guest
#29
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
Dear MegMarch,

I handle it simple. I don’t give a d*** about what people say.
 
S

Scribe

Guest
#30
Good advice but my persoanal experience was that I was not trusted as a single Christian man at (then) 40 years of age. I had two separate ministry and parachurch ministry leaders tell me that, only after letting me believe they would allow me to serve and were excited about it. They were lying through their teeth. I was told I could not be trusted as a single man at 40 because that was not normal. It didn't matter to them that I had not been sleeping with anyone and was passionate about ministry.

Don't be surprised to get ignored. Churches aren't perfect and neither are the leaders.
I wouldn't trust a leader who does not think any 40 year old single saint could be strong in that area and not on the brink of sinning. It would make me wonder if that leader has ever experienced total self control and victory over that before they got married? If they are still in bondage to the same sin but think that marriage gave them permission to keep it?
 
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,964
113
#31
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
=============================================================================================================
little one,
this sounds very much like 'cult-culture' -
when our Saviour separates us from the world, we become a peculiar people whom most will never be able to
identify with...
 

bojack

Well-known member
Dec 16, 2019
2,311
999
113
#32
I’ve been a Christian now for about 7 years, and I’m finally encountering what I will call the wall of judgement from my Christian friends. It is not only in the area of dating, although this seems to be the topic that they care about the the most, but also in other areas like how often I read my Bible, or if I am serving others enough, or if I endure trials with joy because that is godly.

But I will focus on the area of dating. It is disheartening to me, and I don’t feel like I can date unless it is according to their standards. To clarify, we all agree on the Biblical stance regarding fornication. I’m referring to all the additional expectations they have.

For example:
-Online dating isn’t good.
-Don’t spend too much time taking to the other person because that means they are becoming your god.
-They aren’t good enough because they aren’t a “strong” Christian.
-Wait a certain amount of time between dating people.

My main question is this-how do you all deal with the way other Christians pressurize the dating environment?
A woman I didn't know at church told me I needed a haircut , I told her while laughing I know and then told her she probably eat too much .. Her husband busted out laughing ..
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,834
971
113
31
#33
A woman I didn't know at church told me I needed a haircut , I told her while laughing I know and then told her she probably eat too much .. Her husband busted out laughing ..
I literally laughed out loud (as did those I shared your story with). 😄
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
8,755
805
113
#34
Bobby? Is that you?

A woman I didn't know at church told me I needed a haircut , I told her while laughing I know and then told her she probably eat too much .. Her husband busted out laughing ..
 
M

MegMarch

Guest
#39
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that Meg. 😕 I don’t know the way your friends are wording these judgements, such as encouraging you to get into the Word of God instead of guilt tripping you into it. Maybe it’s a matter of them meaning well, but their delivery is poor?

If not, and they are simply offering their criticisms of your walk without meekness, or genuine concern for your well-being and are just spewing self righteous, maybe time away from them will do you good? I’m not saying cut them off completely, but they obviously are not edifying you but tearing you down.

As far as dating environment, and the criteria your friends are placing on you to do it in a certain way, see if there is wisdom in their words. Consider it, and if it’s garbage, toss it to the side. You shouldn’t let their judgement of you hinder you from walking in standards you know are good. You aren’t living up to their standards, you are living up to God’s standards. What does the Lord want you to do?

As always Meg, I appreciated you being an ear to me when I needed someone to listen and if you need some encouragement, I’m here.
Thank you for your response, Ben! I'm glad I was able to offer an ear when you needed.