Looking For a Foreign Wife? May I Humbly Submit Some Realities to Consider...

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
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#1
Hey Everyone,

One of the recent threads here had me thinking about all the times I've heard men (usually from the USA) talk about how much better it would be to seek a wife from another country, usually because they are frustrated with what they see as a loss of traditional values in the women around them in their own country.

While I can certainly understand their perspective, it often seems to me as if some men see foreign brides, particularly from Asia, as the "last unicorns" of marriage. From the many accounts I've read or heard, it's almost as if many men honestly believe that a submissive wife from another country will fulfill their dreams of wedded bliss, just like a woman waiting to be rescued by her knight in shining armor.

A few years ago, we had a regular poster in Singles who would often sing the praises of men finding wives from the Philippines. I couldn't help but find it amusing that when some of the women here gave some realistic accounts of what a man might run into in his search, he completely ignored anything they had to say and didn't even acknowledge their posts. Apparently, he was looking for a wife who was not only young (he was in his mid-50's), beautiful, and submissive, but also silent and devoid of any thoughts of her own. :rolleyes:

Although I grew up in a small, non-diverse Anyville town in the United States, I've had the privilege of knowing a few families in which the man had married a foreign bride. Going back through my memories, I was thinking of about 10 such marriages in which I knew one or more people involved, and in maybe half of those cases, I was close enough to someone that I could ask a few questions about what really went on behind the scenes.

I'd like to share a few pf the things I've observed. To make this easier to read, I'm going to break this up into multiple posts to start off this thread (I'm sorry if that makes it seem a little choppy.)

Now, as I always say, I am, by NO means, an expert. I'm just thinking of what I've seen and heard... AND, this is where you all come in as well--I would love to hear your thoughts, observations, and experiences.

There are probably many people out there who have much more experience with this than me, and I'm hoping they'll share. :)

And so, to kick this off, I'd like to start by talking about those "traditional family values" that are always cited as a prime reason for seeking a foreign wife (please see next post.)
 
D

DCrawshawJr

Guest
#2
This is something I really want to hear.

Yes, there are countless advertisements of foreign wives, with the connotation that "It's much better than ugly America". There was even a website that suggested single men leave the country in order to find peace and happiness, as if everywhere but America is one big giant Utopia (a place, by the way, which does NOT exist this side of the grave). Horsehockey.

seoulsearch, write on!
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
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#3
"I Want a Woman With Traditional Family Values."

I have read this statement several times over the years, and it's a perfectly reasonable request. However, I often wonder if the men who believe they will find this in a foreign bride actually realize what all this might include.

For example, I'm sure there are exceptions, but I only know of one case in which the man went to live in his wife's home country (and this was on a US military base, so that didn't exactly count.) All the rest had taken a bride from a foreign country, brought her home... and somehow expected her to be perfectly content with that.

I think they had good intentions. But I also think they that didn't realize that "finding someone with traditional family values"--and then all but cutting them off from the very family who gave them those values--usually does not go over well. From what I've observed, the smiling, submissive wife will put on a good show for the public, but behind closed doors, she is miserable, and often grows resentful.

The number one thing I would ask someone who wants a foreign wife would be, "How are you going to keep her close to the very family that gave her those traditional family values?"

For example, in the marriages I've seen, the husband was expected to:

* Provide for the bride's younger siblings, and parents. When her parents aged, it was expected that they would somehow be supported, which could include bringing them into your home from overseas and caring for them.

* Provide a way for the bride to make regular visits to her family, with your children (if you have them), regardless of whether or not that included you (in many of the families I've known, the wife made separate trips for weeks or months at a time because the husband was not able to get off work, etc.)

I would suggest to any man looking at a certain country for a wife to ask himself how many times a year his salary would allow for him, his wife, and his children to travel to her home country, because this is what it will most likely take to make the marriage work.

* Provide for a "traditional household", which means the wife is a stay-at-home mom.

I've heard many men talk speak negatively about paying for a woman's dinner here in the USA--I often wonder if they anticipate what it would cost to pay for an entire family, and for their wife to make sure she keeps close ties with the family they intend to remove her from.

Which brings us to (please see the next post.)
 
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Dec 13, 2016
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#4
Western women lost the plot, probably in the sixties when morality went out the window, and promiscuity came in.

Traditional values work. Compare divorce rates in US/UK against say Indonesia, or Guatemala .
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#6
*waits for the user who married a woman from Asia, and who often has domineering tones about women in his posts, to respond
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
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#7
"When Traditional Family Values... Start to Take Root In Your Own Family."

Ah... "Traditional Family Values" is the rallying cry I always hear from men praising the allure of seeking a bride in a foreign country. But do they realize that the traditional family values THEY have... might be very different than that of the wife and/or culture he is seeking them in?

For instance, if you have a wife from another country, chances are, she is going to raise them as if they were a citizen of her own country, not yours (though I have known some marriages in which the wife was forbidden to display any signs of her culture to anyone, which also meant not being allowed to speak her native language.)

This could mean that:

* Your wife seeks out a local community of her own culture and wants to raise your children primarily in that culture, including teaching them her language. Will you be agreeable to having your wife and children speaking an entirely different language with each other that you can't understand?

* Your wife will look to you for a way to bring her mother to your home for extended visits to help raise your children. "Traditional family values" in other countries often means that the entire extended family has a very active part in raising your children. You wife might be quite overwhelmed and unhappy to learn that she is somehow expected to raise your children by herself, or with your family, and without hers.

* Your wife may expect you to be able to provide a comfortable lifestyle that allows her to be a stay-at-home mother. I know of one couple in which the wife divorced her husband because he could not provide this. Of course, this could happen in any marriage, but the wife was dismayed to find out that her husband would need her to work and raise children, because her own traditional values mandated staying at home to raise the children. When she had initially married him, she had assumed he would be able to provide the stay-at-home mom lifestyle.

* Also remember that if this woman has agreed to marry and come home with you, she is being cut off from her family, culture, church family, and everything she knows--even her own native comfort foods. Once the excitement wears off, it's not uncommon for depression, extreme homesickness, and even suicidal thoughts to creep in. (Please note, I am not trying to sound dismal, but rather give a realistic point of view.) Are you prepared to provide adequate medical care and professional counseling, if needed? (Which could also prove to be quite a challenge, depending on language and cultural barriers.)

In one case I knew, the wife cried every single day for years, until she had children, then promptly found a local ethnic group of her own background to serve as the primary group for raising her children. In other words, the further away she got from American culture and was closer to her own culture, the happier she became, even if it meant spending more time with this community and less time with her husband.

Speaking of which, here are a few other things you might want to consider (continued in the next post.)
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
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#8
Foreign Wife


I've decided that it makes no difference whether or not a woman even speaks English...

since I don't understand them anyway.

: )
 
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Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
#9
My first marriage was to a Russian woman. She had some very good qualities that I never found in American women, but she certainly had certain expectations of me that were just not realistic. She definitely wanted to travel back and forth from Iowa to Russia at least twice a year. She definitely wanted to have her Mother come and live with us. She definitely wanted to constantly climb some social ladder and maintain some illusion of "success".

She definitely got told "NO" and served divorce papers once I found out what was going on. Too bad that was too late to have her application for permanent residence in the US revoked...man that was an expensive process to go through.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
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#10
"The Joys of Having a Submissive Woman."

Ah, this one is definitely a classic. And that's all I shall say, lest I get myself into trouble. :D

However, once you have that lovely, submissive wife, have you considered:

* Will you want her to get a job, or do you expect to pay for everything (including visits to her home country) by yourself? If you do, that's wonderful, but in contrast to the women who expect to be stay-at-home mothers, your new wife might very well expect (and want) to work, at the very least, until the children come along. In a few of the marriages I've had close ties to, the women had already received advanced degrees in their home countries... that were sometimes not recognized here in the United States.

I'm thinking in particular of one wife who had a double Master's degrees and great job in her own country, but when she came here, due to all the troubles with work permits, citizenship, language barriers (even though she spoke excellent English), she could not find a job here, and this was a huge source of discouragement and depression for her.

If your new wife's life in your home country is drastically different (and quite frankly, of diminished quality), she isn't going to stay the adoring, agreeable, submissive wife for very long.

I knew one guy who told me that his wife regularly yelled at him because she had an active career and social life in her own country, and then came here... to nothing, and she saw that as being his fault (or at least, displaced all her anger towards him, because he was all she had here.)

* Chances are, if you're in the market for a sweet, submissive foreign woman, so are plenty of other guys around you as well. How are you going to want your submissive woman to react to, or handle, "comments" and propositions that other men throw at her? In my experience, you can pretty much expect that this will happen.

Will you save her from every unsavory word, glance, or gesture that gets thrown her way, whether you are with her or not? In her culture, all she may know to do is politely smile and tolerate the behavior. How do you think you would handle this?

And, last of all, please consider (this is the final post of points I'd like to state... for now, at least. :))
 
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Angelsnow

Senior Member
Nov 9, 2015
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#11
I just have a question for the men.

When looking for a "submissive" wife. What does that mean to you???
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
2,386
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#12
I just have a question for the men.

When looking for a "submissive" wife. What does that mean to you???


"Submissive wife" means...


a wife who doesn't go on internet forums looking for definitions of words she already knows in order to stir up controversy.




:)


Hugs.
 
Aug 16, 2016
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#13
I just have a question for the men. When looking for a "submissive" wife. What does that mean to you???
Well for me I don't look for a "submissive" wive. However there should be an agreement to put God & prayer first above all things. Spending time together spiritually is important. The way God made my heart is of love, compassion & putting others before myself. So im the type to treat a wife as a queen opposed to ordering around or telling to obey. They say true love is putting another persons happiness above your own & I believe in that.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
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#14
"A Person From Another Country Might Be Adhering to a Different Set of Rules, and in Their Mind, They Aren't Doing Anything Wrong."

This last point is the one that personally hit me the hardest.

I was friends with someone for several years who married a person from another country. This person then divorced my friend, and in the years that followed, would take their children back to visit the ex-spouses home country and family--one at a time.

This always struck me as odd, but I didn't want to rub salt in any wounds. It took me a while, but I finally asked my friend why. After all, wouldn't a parent want to take all their children together for a family visit?

My friend then explained that their former spouse's home country does NOT recognize United States divorce laws. I didn't pry into all the odds and ends, but what this meant is that if the ex-spouse took all of their children to their home country at once, they could KEEP them there, under the full protection of the ex-spouse's home government, and my friend would have one heck of a legal battle on their hands to attempt to bring their children back to the US.

I don't know all the details, but this couple had married and divorced in the United States, so my friend had it specifically written into their divorce clause that their ex-spouse could not leave the USA with more than one of their children at a time. This was an insurance policy that my friend would actually get their each of their children back. (Yes, I know there would still be the danger that the ex-spouse could pick a "favorite" child and flee back to their home country, but this person was doing the best they could under these terribly heart-wrenching conditions.)

Personally, this just floored me, as I would have been too naive to even think to look into such a thing.

As you can see... there are A LOT of things missing from those ads that claim you can "Find Your Dream Woman/Man In The Land of Magically Perfect Spouses".

In conclusion... All of us, both men and women, want to believe there's some magical, happy ending waiting out there for us.

And that leaves us all susceptible to also being willing to believe that there is a shortcut to finding the Marital Pot of Gold at the End of the Foreign Courtship Rainbow.

If you believe the Lord is leading you to find a spouse in another country, by all means, follow what He's leading you to do.

But please, as with any other major decision, hopefully we can all do our best to at least educate ourselves on any situation we decide to get ourselves into.

I would love to hear your observations, thoughts, and experiences as well.

Thank you for bearing with me during these long posts--God bless, and I look forward to reading all your posts as well.
 
Dec 13, 2016
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#15
Submissive vs Domineering.

Are these the only options?


How about intelligent & Godly?
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#16
Submissive vs Domineering.

Are these the only options?


How about intelligent & Godly?
Hi Spurgeoncy,

I'd like to keep the topic of this thread as being about Marriages to Foreign Spouses and the Unique Challenges They Present", if possible.

You bring up some interesting points... Perhaps, like Angelsnow, you might want to start a separate thread about this?

Thanks for your help! :)
 
L

LaurenTM

Guest
#17
Western women lost the plot, probably in the sixties when morality went out the window, and promiscuity came in.

Traditional values work. Compare divorce rates in US/UK against say Indonesia, or Guatemala .


Christian values work

I just did a real quick tour around the net

divorce is rising in most nations as laws change...the way they did in the US and Canada

when men are given preference, as in the countries you mention and women do not have the opportunites they do in North America, there are less divorces

that's one well thought out remark you made there.........:rolleyes: Western women lost the plot...? while what, men stood helplessly by?

let's just dump on women again because of course it's always all their fault

honestly!
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
2,386
113
#18
The real deal...

foreign wives are better because they have a cute accent.


So theoretically, if you could convince a local woman to always speak with a cute accent, that would be just a good...
and save a lot of money on airfare.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#19
The real deal...

foreign wives are better because they have a cute accent.


So theoretically, if you could convince a local woman to always speak with a cute accent, that would be just a good...
and save a lot of money on airfare.
Im a Brit I have a foreign accent (compared to the USA) does that count?
 
Jan 14, 2017
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#20
Hmm, I might have to consider getting me a foreign wife now. It worked for President Trump.