Relationship Stigma

[nobadee]

I think the more likely scenario is Christians rejecting decent people because their first impression of their peers doesn't qualify in the spouse check-list. And they are ticking off the spouse check-list because they are under the impression who they choose to date should be their future husband or wife.

You are also making the assumption that relationships are a waste of time if they don't end up with a marriage proposal. Haven't you ever had a friendship with someone that didn't last? Do you look back in time and think "what a waste, I shouldn't have bothered"? Or do you think of the personal growth and the experience that friend has influenced as a positive thing? If you like someone why would you reject them, because they might not be your friend forever?

You are making the assumption that I run every woman off that I meet just because I don't consider them spouse material, far from the truth. Everyone that I pass is either a friend or a stranger to me.

I do not make friends with some wild assumption that I am going to date that person later on. Almost every female acquaintance I have has wanted to jump my bones at some point; but, I do not BS myself by letting my feelings lead me astray. I know if I can live with someone or not. I have met many great women all over the world and become very close; but, I do not use other people as my personal laboratory to experiment on, nor do I need to go through the motions to understand what works for me and what doesn't. I know if someone is the right one or not.

If people have enough patience and faith in God that the right person for them will be there when they come; they won't have the need to crash and burn a dozen times.

It might seem beyond belief to you; but, I've seen this work for others countless times. I'm just quietly awaiting my turn, if that is in God's plan. Everyone seems to be under the impression that they have to be with someone at all times or they will be shunned by their peers; so, they hastily throw themselves into relationships with some urgency to alleviate the awkwardness of being "that person".

If you are someone who falls in love with every person you meet; then you are obviously doing something wrong. It's not natural to want to engage in a relationship with every person you socialize with; it's also a bit dirty. If more people clung to their expectations then they wouldn't end up having to chain date their way to a successful relationship.

Sure, they might learn something from those experiences; but, what do you think that would be? "Maybe I should have just listened to my instincts and to those others who told me to wait". Or "I should have been a little more resolute with my standards".

You would be surprised at how quickly people will throw everything they believe out the window for someone they don't know. If you have to lower your expectations for someone; they more often than not, are not going to work out for you in the long run.

Hrmm I suppose some people like having 100 ex's though; so, it's not for me to judge how people want to pursue a relationship.

 

[Kay_Kay]

You are making the assumption that I run every woman off that I meet just because I don't consider them spouse material, far from the truth. Everyone that I pass is either a friend or a stranger to me.

I do not make friends with some wild assumption that I am going to date that person later on. Almost every female acquaintance I have has wanted to jump my bones at some point; but, I do not BS myself by letting my feelings lead me astray. I know if I can live with someone or not. I have met many great women all over the world and become very close; but, I do not use other people as my personal laboratory to experiment on, nor do I need to go through the motions to understand what works for me and what doesn't. I know if someone is the right one or not.

If people have enough patience and faith in God that the right person for them will be there when they come; they won't have the need to crash and burn a dozen times.

It might seem beyond belief to you; but, I've seen this work for others countless times. I'm just quietly awaiting my turn, if that is in God's plan. Everyone seems to be under the impression that they have to be with someone at all times or they will be shunned by their peers; so, they hastily throw themselves into relationships with some urgency to alleviate the awkwardness of being "that person".

If you are someone who falls in love with every person you meet; then you are obviously doing something wrong. It's not natural to want to engage in a relationship with every person you socialize with; it's also a bit dirty. If more people clung to their expectations then they wouldn't end up having to chain date their way to a successful relationship.

Sure, they might learn something from those experiences; but, what do you think that would be? "Maybe I should have just listened to my instincts and to those others who told me to wait". Or "I should have been a little more resolute with my standards".

You would be surprised at how quickly people will throw everything they believe out the window for someone they don't know. If you have to lower your expectations for someone; they more often than not, are not going to work out for you in the long run.

Hrmm I suppose some people like having 100 ex's though; so, it's not for me to judge how people want to pursue a relationship.

I didn't say throw yourself at everyone you meet, or fall in love with everyone you meet, I meant understand that Wonder Woman is fictional and don't reject real life people based on the fantasy spouse in your head. There are perfectly lovely people here on Earth that might not fit your rigid standards and you'd be surprised how much they have to offer.

It isn't juvenile behavior to be in relationships, you're not collecting Pokemon, most sensible adults have a few dates with someone they like to see how things go- and they don't brand themselves girlfriend boyfriend until it's been established.

 

[nobadee]

I didn't say throw yourself at everyone you meet, or fall in love with everyone you meet, I meant understand that Wonder Woman is fictional and don't reject real life people based on the fantasy spouse in your head. There are perfectly lovely people here on Earth that might not fit your rigid standards and you'd be surprised how much they have to offer.

rofl, too funny.

No, wonder woman is not fictional. I have witnessed countless people find their perfect match and they didn't need to court each other for a month to figure it out, they just knew it.

You sound as if you've been burned in the past a number of times and you don't believe in the idea of a perfect mate; so, you are willing to settle for whatever is manageable, at least for awhile. And people wonder why we have over a 50% divorce rate in this country.

Just because someone has standards doesn't mean they are unrealistic; some of us just know what to look for. I know it's hard to believe that there are people out there who can figure things out without having to personally experience them a thousand times. I'm a quick learner.

It isn't juvenile behavior to be in relationships, you're not collecting Pokemon, most sensible adults have a few dates with someone they like to see how things go- and they don't brand themselves girlfriend boyfriend until it's been established.

Now you're just blowing things out of context. What I am implying is that you can be in a relationship with someone for months and still not know who they are. Are you the type who dates someone and constantly keeps an eye out for someone more appealing? Now too an observer it would be pretty **** obvious that you already know this is not going to work out; you are just going through the motions as a curtsy. What an awkward situation that would be; when you could have just figured that out before hand by being friends with each other and using a little discernment while you were at it.

Do you go on a date with all of your friends? When I make friends it isn't with the idea that I am going to be hooking up with them at some point. Perhaps that's why I have so many more female friends than guys; because, I offer them fun, security and comfort without any catch.

It must be hard for you to believe that there are actually people out there who are completely honest with other people and themselves. It eliminates unnecessary relationships. I don't need to have a hot date with someone to know if they are likable or not. I certainly do not need to date someone to figure out if they are someone I could live with.

It is a waste of time to date someone just to figure out if they aren't right for you. Then they use a cliche cover by saying, "It's a learning experience". Oh Really...if you learned anything then why do you keep dating all the wrong people?

 

[penguingal]

I don't think a little harmless flirting is bad but I'm too shy in person to do that, guess that's prolly why I'm still single?

 

[lightbliss]

rofl, too funny.

No, wonder woman is not fictional. I have witnessed countless people find their perfect match and they didn't need to court each other for a month to figure it out, they just knew it.

You sound as if you've been burned in the past a number of times and you don't believe in the idea of a perfect mate; so, you are willing to settle for whatever is manageable, at least for awhile. And people wonder why we have over a 50% divorce rate in this country.

Just because someone has standards doesn't mean they are unrealistic; some of us just know what to look for. I know it's hard to believe that there are people out there who can figure things out without having to personally experience them a thousand times. I'm a quick learner.



Now you're just blowing things out of context. What I am implying is that you can be in a relationship with someone for months and still not know who they are. Are you the type who dates someone and constantly keeps an eye out for someone more appealing? Now too an observer it would be pretty **** obvious that you already know this is not going to work out; you are just going through the motions as a curtsy. What an awkward situation that would be; when you could have just figured that out before hand by being friends with each other and using a little discernment while you were at it.

Do you go on a date with all of your friends? When I make friends it isn't with the idea that I am going to be hooking up with them at some point. Perhaps that's why I have so many more female friends than guys; because, I offer them fun, security and comfort without any catch.

It must be hard for you to believe that there are actually people out there who are completely honest with other people and themselves. It eliminates unnecessary relationships. I don't need to have a hot date with someone to know if they are likable or not. I certainly do not need to date someone to figure out if they are someone I could live with.

It is a waste of time to date someone just to figure out if they aren't right for you. Then they use a cliche cover by saying, "It's a learning experience". Oh Really...if you learned anything then why do you keep dating all the wrong people?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK8POoP_vZY

 

[lightbliss]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK8POoP_vZY

This doesn't necessarily apply to this thread. But when I read your post, this popped into my mind.

 

[Kay_Kay]

Why are you dragging me into this like you have any knowledge of my dating life? This post wasn't about me and how I've supposedly been burned and settle for what's manageable. What makes you think it's okay to imply this sort of negative speculation like I'm settling for less, have some sort of issue with believing people can be honest with each other and themselves, contribute to part 50% divorce rate, and "date all the wrong people"?

I'm going to give you the benefit of a doubt that you weren't trying to be offensive and that you didn't realize the damage of your words. However, I will be asking for an apology because you've made this personal and reading those words felt like a slap in the face.

 

[mrpower]

I wouldn't say there was anything wrong with being open to the idea of romance. And being charming is just part of being a good man. (not to toot my own horn or anything)
But flirting to me is always meant that I saw a potential for more.
In all things be led by the spirit and I dont see getting into a relationship with one of the Lords beautiful feminine creatures to be any different.
I wouldn't just start studying a 4 year degree i didn't feel called to do. I wouldn't open a business i didn't feel called to open. And i suppose I won't date a girl I don't feel called to date.
Perhaps, some would tie that attitude down to "childhood observations" or memories of "past grief" but these days, I'm content to wait and be patient for God to bring me to the best woman for me. As he brings me the best of everything.
I suppose what i'm saying is that I see flirting like playing with fire. If i start leading other Godly women into thinking there might be more, and then I start to think there might be more, and allow those emotions controlled by vast amounts of powerful internal chemicals to run away with me, then I might end up somewhere a long way away from the ideal time and place where I was going to meet the wife that God has for me.

Just my 2 cents on the subject.

 

[Kuroko]

Nobadee I think Kay_Kay was simply saying that the level in which people can and cannot interact with one another from the christian point of view in general seems fairly strict and one of those areas involves the notion of flirting.

I don't think she was commenting on people having to lower the personal standards they set for themselves with and when meeting others.
I think she deserves an apology for the misunderstanding as you did get a tad personal when making assumptions about her standards ^_^.

Rob

 

[nobadee]

Nobadee I think Kay_Kay was simply saying that the level in which people can and cannot interact with one another from the christian point of view in general seems fairly strict and one of those areas involves the notion of flirting.

I don't think she was commenting on people having to lower the personal standards they set for themselves with and when meeting others.
I think she deserves an apology for the misunderstanding as you did get a tad personal when making assumptions about her standards ^_^.

Rob

I meant understand that Wonder Woman is fictional and don't reject real life people based on the fantasy spouse in your head.

Wonder Woman would be an expressed analogy of the idea woman a typical guy might conjure up in his mind, defined by his standards.

Anyone who attempts to argue a point and says the topic is not of personal interest is lying. I've seen her post similar views on other threads; so, she obviously feels very strongly about her belief: to date like there is no tomorrow. She needs to realize where those beliefs stem from and not fly off the handle when someone entices her to examine them.

She may not admit this; but, she was speculating a bit herself; the words you, your and you're make any message personal. If she admits that; then I will apologize for my veracious behavior. I don't make a habit of sugar coating my thoughts when I write. lol...

 

[nobadee]

I wouldn't say there was anything wrong with being open to the idea of romance. And being charming is just part of being a good man. (not to toot my own horn or anything)
But flirting to me is always meant that I saw a potential for more.
In all things be led by the spirit and I dont see getting into a relationship with one of the Lords beautiful feminine creatures to be any different.
I wouldn't just start studying a 4 year degree i didn't feel called to do. I wouldn't open a business i didn't feel called to open. And i suppose I won't date a girl I don't feel called to date.
Perhaps, some would tie that attitude down to "childhood observations" or memories of "past grief" but these days, I'm content to wait and be patient for God to bring me to the best woman for me. As he brings me the best of everything.
I suppose what i'm saying is that I see flirting like playing with fire. If i start leading other Godly women into thinking there might be more, and then I start to think there might be more, and allow those emotions controlled by vast amounts of powerful internal chemicals to run away with me, then I might end up somewhere a long way away from the ideal time and place where I was going to meet the wife that God has for me.

Just my 2 cents on the subject.

I totally agree with you. It's too easy to get mixed up in relationship after relationship. After awhile you will get burned out on it all and probably go into a state of depression. Why worry about that part of life; when you can learn to be content with yourself and let God sort everything out for you. No sense in urging something onto yourself. What I've always learned from experience is that any time you start a date with someone; one of those people wants it to keep it going; but, the other doesn't. Then comes the slap in the face, they want to be friends. Why put someone through that? Not saying that I have ever done that to anyone; but, I've seen it done to others many times before. Their idea of making friends with someone if the date doesn't work out is flawed; because, they assume that other person is just going to stop having feelings for them automatically. Not very realistic. You certainly won't have a very healthy friendship after burning them right off the bat. I just always saw it as a shady characteristic for someone to want to be friends with EVERYONE. No one likes somebody like that; they look like a player.

"A friend to all is a friend to none". - Aristotle

I'm always reminded of that quote when I meet people like that.

 

[Dread_Zeppelin]

Wonder Woman would be an expressed analogy of the idea woman a typical guy might conjure up in his mind, defined by his standards.

Anyone who attempts to argue a point and says the topic is not of personal interest is lying. I've seen her post similar views on other threads; so, she obviously feels very strongly about her belief: to date like there is no tomorrow. She needs to realize where those beliefs stem from and not fly off the handle when someone entices her to examine them.

She may not admit this; but, she was speculating a bit herself; the words you, your and you're make any message personal. If she admits that; then I will apologize for my veracious behavior. I don't make a habit of sugar coating my thoughts when I write. lol...

Since you dont like to sugar coat neither will I.


As Kay-Kay's twin sister, I have more insight on her personality and have interject that you are laughably inacurate about what she's saying. You may need to go back and re-read her posts because your assumptions seem to be twisting her words and hyperbowl. She doesn't support "dating like there's no tomorrow", she supports "dating reasonably to grab insight on your dating preferences". If you cease to be with that person it's not a loss or trashy: you might figure out what you want in a relationship that you didn't know before. In other words give people a chance because you might find a diamond where you thought was coal (like that? I made that up myself).

Since every girl you meet at some point wants to "jump your bones" I would have thought that you'd take the similular approach as to what you want in a woman and what you might not...she's saying take it a step further and date that person to see if you learn something about yourself or others. Upon a past boyfriend, I learned that I shouldn't be too clingy with my relationships because its a put off. Since then I haven't been clingy at all. Another relationship I learned that I could be selfish with my wants. I learned to put others first before myself.

Now I didn't date just to improve myself, I dated because I liked that person. That doesn't mean "create 100 ex's" (seriously, man?) It means dont limit yourself and find great people.

Ever been with a nightmare boyfriend/girlfriend because they didn't know how to act in a relationship or never had one? I have.

Honestly the fact that you wouldn't apologise unless she admits that you're right about your view (despite your obviously belitting past posts) says more about you and how you'd be in a relationship than her supposed horrible insights on dating. Good luck with that.

 

[Matthew]

I think it's pointless to actively embrace either approach, I'm a big believer in the idea that looking at someone as potential a marriage partner from the outset and having a list of requirements in your mind is a seriously flawed way of doing things.
I believe that because I think that what we don't know vastly outweighs what we do know and I apply that to myself and everyone I meet, so I might like someone who doesn't seem like my type and what I think could be a problem might actually be trivial and forever charming.

I think we must see potential value in every realtionship we enter, otherwise it's probably not a good idea, I might date a girl for 6 months who then is gone from my life, but we might each learn more and grow more as people in that 6 months than in the 10 years prior.

Simply put marriage isn't the only worthwhile thing about a romantic relationship, so if there's no potential for marriage that doesn't mean there's no potential in the relationship.

Sometimes people are put in our lives for a reason, but not all of them are meant to stay.

 

[nobadee]

Since you dont like to sugar coat neither will I.


As Kay-Kay's twin sister, I have more insight on her personality and have interject that you are laughably inacurate about what she's saying. You may need to go back and re-read her posts because your assumptions seem to be twisting her words and hyperbowl. She doesn't support "dating like there's no tomorrow", she supports "dating reasonably to grab insight on your dating preferences". If you cease to be with that person it's not a loss or trashy: you might figure out what you want in a relationship that you didn't know before. In other words give people a chance because you might find a diamond where you thought was coal (like that? I made that up myself).

Since every girl you meet at some point wants to "jump your bones" I would have thought that you'd take the similular approach as to what you want in a woman and what you might not...she's saying take it a step further and date that person to see if you learn something about yourself or others. Upon a past boyfriend, I learned that I shouldn't be too clingy with my relationships because its a put off. Since then I haven't been clingy at all. Another relationship I learned that I could be selfish with my wants. I learned to put others first before myself.

Now I didn't date just to improve myself, I dated because I liked that person. That doesn't mean "create 100 ex's" (seriously, man?) It means dont limit yourself and find great people.

Ever been with a nightmare boyfriend/girlfriend because they didn't know how to act in a relationship or never had one? I have.

Honestly the fact that you wouldn't apologise unless she admits that you're right about your view (despite your obviously belitting past posts) says more about you and how you'd be in a relationship than her supposed horrible insights on dating. Good luck with that.

Hrmm, I agree with all of that; minus the last part, you were just trying to take a snap at me, I probably deserved it too. lol That response seemed rather nice for it being non-sugar coated? You are obviously are a very sweet girl and both wise and bold. No, I am being serious. I'm not really a bad guy; I just play one in the movies.

I've actually known a girl with almost 100 ex's. She was a sex addict though; so, it would explain the large number and no, we didn't date. I personally have never dated anyone long enough for them to be a problem. Just about every relationship I had that was worth while was broken off because of work obligations. (Had to keep a relationship when you are all over the planet). So, I can't say I ever really learned anything about myself from dating; but, I never really needed to. I spend so much time correcting other peoples lives; that I'd have to be a fool to make any mistakes in my own dating world.

That doesn't mean what you said isn't true; it simply shows that it doesn't apply to everyone. All people are different and learn in different ways. I don't need to date someone to get a feel for them; I can usually figure someone out pretty fast just by being around them a little bit; which is why people I meet in person become comfortable with me very fast. I know a lot of people who are like that. Now other people; however, as you were describing do need the experience, because they aren't as adept at assessing other peoples temperaments. This isn't necassarily bad; not everyone's brains are wired the same.

I feel like I'm giving a lecture. I think I will stop here. I'm actually glad you responded, I thought I was going to log on here to lynch mob. I was never angry with your sister at all; it's just next to impossible to interpret my motives over the web and it tends to create a scene. Personally I kind of liked the debate and I will admit that letting it get too personal is unbecoming of me and was unwarranted.

Tell her I said, "I am sorry for being a blankity blank". I don't want to make two posts because I know she will probably read this one.

Have a good night,
Nobadee

 

[nobadee]

I think it's pointless to actively embrace either approach, I'm a big believer in the idea that looking at someone as potential a marriage partner from the outset and having a list of requirements in your mind is a seriously flawed way of doing things.
I believe that because I think that what we don't know vastly outweighs what we do know and I apply that to myself and everyone I meet, so I might like someone who doesn't seem like my type and what I think could be a problem might actually be trivial and forever charming.

I think we must see potential value in every realtionship we enter, otherwise it's probably not a good idea, I might date a girl for 6 months who then is gone from my life, but we might each learn more and grow more as people in that 6 months than in the 10 years prior.

Simply put marriage isn't the only worthwhile thing about a romantic relationship, so if there's no potential for marriage that doesn't mean there's no potential in the relationship.

Sometimes people are put in our lives for a reason, but not all of them are meant to stay.

True. It's like I said up there, not everyone can approach a relationship the same way. If we all tried a one shot method everyone would be in trouble. You have a more optimistic approach there; by expecting something new and interesting from everyone you meet. It can be useful to look at the world that way; because, you never really know someone till you experience them yourself right?

I liked that last line and I fully believe in it too. People are put in our lives for a reason, even if it seems pointless, they could leave a lasting impression.

 

[ShelleBelle76]

Haha... blankety blank. I haven't hear that since I was a kid. That brought memories. No seriously...

 

[nobadee]

Haha... blankety blank. I haven't hear that since I was a kid. That brought memories. No seriously...

Best I could do on here; censors and all that.