To show us who we really are, sometimes it takes a dream.
I had a dream I was trapped in a relationship. It was one of obligation, tediousness, and emotional distance. It was punctuated by misunderstanding and a distinct absence of any real empathy. It was fair, noble, and I'm sure she was beautiful.
In my dream, I felt as though I had not only been there before, but I had been there for a while. The familiarity, was as recurring as hitting red lights on the way to work. Though I never saw her, I was ever mindful of her existence, of the sound of her voice in my head vigilant to remind me of some ominous instruction. Like a subconscious schoolmarm living in my brain, I act and be and think in accordance to what may or may not offend her sensibilities.
I found myself sitting in my house, on my couch across from someone in a very similar predicament, belonging to a relationship, as an inpatient belongs to a hospital. She with her dreadful circumstances, and me with mine.
Yet in her eyes, I see a warmth. I feel a belonging, and like pulling the lever on a recliner, I am comfortable here. I feel completely accepted, wanted, and beloved. She is not my girlfriend, and I am not her boyfriend, yet we know that whatever was before or is now serves only to complicate how we will be in the future.
And I can FEEL just how different the path is. It was not through my mind, using her wit, that she won me over. It was not by some appeal to my faith, that our similarities in belief were reason enough to drop someone and begin fresh. It was not because she was so overwhelmingly attractive that I should cheat or dump my girlfriend.
It was because she was content with me, and herself, as we were. It was like the feeling of being with a sibling. Someone with whom you don't even think about asking permission to hug, because there is nothing to ask. Like the feeling of putting your arm around someone, not because there is some message implied by doing this but because that is where your arm belongs. It wasn't for who we could be, or for what piece we could fulfill but, for who we already were. Happiness was not some future goal, like a broken old car in the garage. It was here.
My girlfriend, was always trying to change me, trying to prove how smart she was, how faithful and how right for me she could be. And I was guilty of much the same to her. We served as rivals, who happened to be in a relationship, always trying to prove something, because the truth was that we didn't belong and we weren't content with each other. We were each fulfilling the idea of what we thought the other person was looking for. Mostly because we didn't want to be alone and it was what was expected of us.
Slowly, I began to wake up from my dream, with the feelings and the memories of my dream still vivid in my mind. I regretted that I was in a relationship, because of who I had met. I realized that the gateway to my heart, is my heart. My mind is my mind, and it can be won over or it can be a minefield. Yet my love does not spring from my mind, like my curiosity does. I don't have to break up with anyone to leave room for the right person, and that is such a relief.
I believe that this dream came from God. I meet a lot of women in my line of work and I've begun to realize that I am okay. I am enough. I can be happy and content, as I am, not for only who I could be eventually. Real belonging doesn't need to be argued for, persuaded, or convinced to occur. My heart isn't looking at love like a job interview. Even at 30 there is still something to be said for growing together.
I had a dream I was trapped in a relationship. It was one of obligation, tediousness, and emotional distance. It was punctuated by misunderstanding and a distinct absence of any real empathy. It was fair, noble, and I'm sure she was beautiful.
In my dream, I felt as though I had not only been there before, but I had been there for a while. The familiarity, was as recurring as hitting red lights on the way to work. Though I never saw her, I was ever mindful of her existence, of the sound of her voice in my head vigilant to remind me of some ominous instruction. Like a subconscious schoolmarm living in my brain, I act and be and think in accordance to what may or may not offend her sensibilities.
I found myself sitting in my house, on my couch across from someone in a very similar predicament, belonging to a relationship, as an inpatient belongs to a hospital. She with her dreadful circumstances, and me with mine.
Yet in her eyes, I see a warmth. I feel a belonging, and like pulling the lever on a recliner, I am comfortable here. I feel completely accepted, wanted, and beloved. She is not my girlfriend, and I am not her boyfriend, yet we know that whatever was before or is now serves only to complicate how we will be in the future.
And I can FEEL just how different the path is. It was not through my mind, using her wit, that she won me over. It was not by some appeal to my faith, that our similarities in belief were reason enough to drop someone and begin fresh. It was not because she was so overwhelmingly attractive that I should cheat or dump my girlfriend.
It was because she was content with me, and herself, as we were. It was like the feeling of being with a sibling. Someone with whom you don't even think about asking permission to hug, because there is nothing to ask. Like the feeling of putting your arm around someone, not because there is some message implied by doing this but because that is where your arm belongs. It wasn't for who we could be, or for what piece we could fulfill but, for who we already were. Happiness was not some future goal, like a broken old car in the garage. It was here.
My girlfriend, was always trying to change me, trying to prove how smart she was, how faithful and how right for me she could be. And I was guilty of much the same to her. We served as rivals, who happened to be in a relationship, always trying to prove something, because the truth was that we didn't belong and we weren't content with each other. We were each fulfilling the idea of what we thought the other person was looking for. Mostly because we didn't want to be alone and it was what was expected of us.
Slowly, I began to wake up from my dream, with the feelings and the memories of my dream still vivid in my mind. I regretted that I was in a relationship, because of who I had met. I realized that the gateway to my heart, is my heart. My mind is my mind, and it can be won over or it can be a minefield. Yet my love does not spring from my mind, like my curiosity does. I don't have to break up with anyone to leave room for the right person, and that is such a relief.
I believe that this dream came from God. I meet a lot of women in my line of work and I've begun to realize that I am okay. I am enough. I can be happy and content, as I am, not for only who I could be eventually. Real belonging doesn't need to be argued for, persuaded, or convinced to occur. My heart isn't looking at love like a job interview. Even at 30 there is still something to be said for growing together.
