Surviving Church as a Single

[MusicalMe]

I don't know about the rest of you, but sometimes I feel that the hardest place to be single is church. Sometimes it feels like church is an exclusive club for married couples or even seriously dating couples. Or just about any kind of couple.

I thought it might be fun for people to share any funny (or serious) stories on how they get treated differently as a single - it doesn't have to be about church, it's just that that's where I notice it the most.

Here's one of mine:

Two years ago, we got a new pastor and he had several get-to-know-the-pastor dinners (so it could be small groups instead of a huge mass of people). After dinner, he had everyone say one thing they thought the church was doing really well and one thing he thought needed improvement. I said that sometimes I felt like I didn't have a place in the church because I was single... so of course he immediately asked if I felt like they needed to start a singles' Sunday school class. Thankfully, someone else said "I think that tends to be men in their 50s hitting on the women in their 20s..." so that idea was scrapped. They also suggested a college class, which did end up getting created but then they moved the meeting times to a time when I busy (thanks guys). Anyway, one of the other men (married, of course) who was at this pastor dinner apparently felt so sorry for me being single that he would "encourage" me every time he saw me. He'd tell me all these analogies about waiting for the right person or he would grab my left hand and ask why there wasn't a ring yet. I was joking about it to his wife one day and she was able to put a stop to it. It's funny now but it really annoyed me then...

 

[seoulsearch]

Anne,

You are so right about this!! I'm going tomorrow to serve at a soup kitchen and EVERYONE else that's going (in their 20's and 30's) are ALL married and bringing their spouses. Isn't that sweet! BLECH!!!

And isn't it funny that ALL the people who give us "advice" and "encouraging" words are all married... many seem to tag-team with their spouse in giving you a "kind" word... (Isn't that encouraging, watching the happy, smiling, serving-God-together couple taking turns trying to give you words of wisdom as they go home to each other and you go home to the loud echo of your keys being thrown on the coffee table.) YECH!!!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I never receive encouraging words from other singles at the church telling me how blessed they are to be waiting on the Lord for a spouse. NOT that there aren't blessings in being single, but why is it that all the married people are the ones to tell us about it? (No offense meant AT ALL to well-meaning marrieds--I sometimes just think they don't realize how ironic they sound.)

I know one thing that sometimes cures me for a while is to really get to know some married people and ask about their problems... really ask them about their situation with their in-laws, money issues (do they fight about how to spend their money? I haven't met a married couple yet who doesn't), how they spend their time, whose pet projects are being paid more attention to... ask a wife about whether she has to pick up after her husband and whether she enjoys it or not... ask a husband about how well he feels he keeps his wife happy (i.e., not complaining about anything to him or nagging him)... Do they fight about sex? Does she feel he's constantly after her? Does he feel isolated and neglected? These are the kinds of things I hear all the time from people around me.

Often, you don't even have to ask when you start to get to know them--they'll just start to tell you because they're desperate to share their burdens... (No, I am NOT trying to call married people desperate, but I still see A LOT of VERY lonely married people... they are just lonely in a different way and dying for someone to talk to just like we are.) I am NOT trying to bash the sacred institute of marriage AT ALL (everyone in my immediate family is very happily married), but sometimes maybe we singles tend to forget it's not all rainbows and fluttering hearts.

After hearing about many people's "real life" issues in marriage, Believe me, in most cases, I've thanked God, at least for the next hour or so, for the chance at being single.

Of course, then I always go back to wishing I had someone again... but I guess it's like a temporary icepack for the bruises on the heart, if you know what I mean.

 

[Chalkboard]

I enjoy being single in Church. Depending on how open to jokes your Church is, I find it funny to let the men know their "ball and chain is waiting outside in the car for you". They think it's a riot to tease me about being a single, and I think it's equally as funny to let them know they've tied into something for life and that they better get on with what their wives told them to do (eg. get those kids in the car, grab the blankets out of the car and put them in the donations box etc) before they get in trouble.

As for finding someone, God has made a ridiculous amount of people around the world. There's surely to be one in there for you. Sometimes it just takes a while to find them. Until they arrive, just keep busy and stay happy. I'm definitely hoping I'm single for a few years longer before I find a relationship.

 

[Nicsk101]

I agree soulsearch... There are pros and cons to both sides... but its not all gumdrops and lollipops. I often feel the same way. We have had a singles ministry at our church before, but everytime they start it up again.. it just dies down. Sometimes they would say, we need to be with someone who is in our own church, but if everyone is either married, dating, or not on the same level as you, what are you suppose to do?

 

[MusicalMe]

I have no problem joking about being single or teasing others about being married... it's the ones who aren't joking that I have trouble with...

 

[MusicalMe]

I agree soulsearch... There are pros and cons to both sides... but its not all gumdrops and lollipops. I often feel the same way. We have had a singles ministry at our church before, but everytime they start it up again.. it just dies down. Sometimes they would say, we need to be with someone who is in our own church, but if everyone is either married, dating, or not on the same level as you, what are you suppose to do?

Nicole!!!!

Hey everyone, this is one of my CC BFFs! lol

 

[missy2shoes]

Hey there Nicole, Musical's BFF on CC hahahaha *waves*

 

[J0Y]

Church is predominantely family oriented. Very rarely do we hear teaching on singleness from a biblical perpective. New babies are celebrated, anniversaries are celebrated, new marriages/engagements are celebrated, I often feel like I am comiserated (spelling?!) with!!

I am sick 'to the back teeth of' so, do you have a significant other.....Dont worry Joy, God is preparing the right man for you..... So how many children do you have? Like there is an assumption that just because I am 'of age' I should have some and the horror turns to sympathetic looks when I say Im single...... Then there are those who use scripture - God said it is not good for man (women) to be alone, so he will have someone out there...or....are you leaving it all to God, cos he does give us brains and we need to 'put ourselves out there' as well you know......myabe God doesnt want you to be married - I mean, have you prayed about this?...... to dont worry Joy, you are much too nice to be on your own forever (insert puppy dog eyes with affectionate nod)....then there is the...well, God may be hinting for you to move to a bigger town where you can meet more men.....to the....you should be thankful you are single, marriage is not all its cracked up to be its hard work.....do they really think that being single at my age is easy?? I mean, REALLLLLLY!!! Is any of this helping me?? The pitying looks, the pat answers.....

I am sick of feeling like I dont fit at church. At the moment ESPECIALLY. There is a baby boom going on in my church. I hate it. ALL the women anywhere near my age are on their 1,2nd or 3rd kid now. They all sit in the 'family' corner of the church. I on the other hand dont know where to sit. All the singles are in their late teens - early 20s....I am past that.... All the older people gravitate to couples, I mean, how often do people invite singles to lunch?? Most couples ask COUPLES. Last week I went over to chat with 2 good friends who sit in the 'family corner'....the conversation was centred around baby sleeping patterns...I mean...ARGH!!!! I guess thats why I also choose to be a bit of a social hermit at the moment. (Im usually on for some fun with friends!) I live in a small town, there are NO singles around my age/stage to hang with. Christian Chat for me is a place to come where I am not judged on the basis of my status!

BUT, the advantages of singleness?? Well, yeah, there are some...I can do what I want, when I want, with the money I got...or in my case, havent got coz Im a student. But, I still yearn to be percieved as 'normal' and be married......however, I have also seen soo many unhappy marriages which also makes me thankful that I have not gone down the path of just settling for some of the guys I could have ended up with.

It is so nice to know there are others out there who face similar barriers within the Christian church.

 

[Nicsk101]

Hey Missy! lol. Thanks BFF For introducing to the rest of CC lol!

 

[seoulsearch]

I enjoy being single in Church. Depending on how open to jokes your Church is, I find it funny to let the men know their "ball and chain is waiting outside in the car for you". They think it's a riot to tease me about being a single, and I think it's equally as funny to let them know they've tied into something for life and that they better get on with what their wives told them to do (eg. get those kids in the car, grab the blankets out of the car and put them in the donations box etc) before they get in trouble.

As for finding someone, God has made a ridiculous amount of people around the world. There's surely to be one in there for you. Sometimes it just takes a while to find them. Until they arrive, just keep busy and stay happy. I'm definitely hoping I'm single for a few years longer before I find a relationship.

I can definitely appreciate your point, Chalkboard.

I have a slightly different perspective though because my biological window is steadily closing. As I posted on another thread... if I met someone today, I figure we'd date for 2 years at least before getting married... then wait another few years because I'd really like to have get to know my spouse first before adding others into the picture. That puts me in my early 40's and having my first baby. Not that it can't be done, but even my Christian gynecologist said, "If you want to have kids, it's time to start cracking." Yes, I know the story of Abraham and Sarah but am hoping I won't be 45 or older and having my first child.

Yes, I know I could adopt (after all, I'm adopted), but never having anyone I was ever biologically related to has been tough for me emotionally (my adopted brother has two kids who look just like him and there are times I long for that kind of tie because others have often made fun of him and I for not looking like anyone else in our family.)

If I were, say, 21, I'd feel like I had plenty of time, but as they say, "I ain't no spring chicken anymore." (And I'm only speaking for myself--for all you gals out there who still feel like spring chickens, please give me some pointers on how to feel that way.)

But maybe it's not in God's plan--we'll see.

 

[Nicsk101]

Joy... I can see where you are coming from.. all the younger couples in my church are having a marriage boom or whatever you want to call it.

 

[MusicalMe]

I actually had these two blog posts in mind when I started this thread... this is a blog I've been reading lately called "Stuff Christians Like". It's Christian satire and it's awesome.

Anyway, here's two blog posts:
Getting Single People Married as Fast as Possible
Surviving Church as a Single

The second one includes a scorecard, and you get points based on how many times people have said stuff to you like quoting the 'not good for man to be alone' verse. It's hilarious!! We should all do it and post our scores, lol!

 

[seoulsearch]

I actually had these two blog posts in mind when I started this thread... this is a blog I've been reading lately called "Stuff Christians Like". It's Christian satire and it's awesome.

Anyway, here's two blog posts:
Getting Single People Married as Fast as Possible
Surviving Church as a Single

The second one includes a scorecard, and you get points based on how many times people have said stuff to you like quoting the 'not good for man to be alone' verse. It's hilarious!! We should all do it and post our scores, lol!

This sounds hilarious!! Count me in!! I'm not very good at keeping score in golf or bowling... but I GUARANTEE I will give the competition a run for the money at this sport!!

*readies her pencil*

 

[MusicalMe]

I just tallied mine and it was around 28 points. It would have been more if my church had a singles ministry. Or any other singles in the 20s-30s age range. Or any other people in the 20s-30s age range... ok, I'm kidding. There are people there in their 30s. They are, of course, married and have kids.

 

[J0Y]

I soooo hear you seoulsearch!!!
I too understand the biological clock thing....I mean being single in your twenties is FINE and I sometimes get irritated by people in their 20's whinging about not being married when really, they have many child bearing years to go! I am NOT a baby/kid person (except my nephew) which is prob why I cant stand baby talk with my friends, however, I do wish to have at least one of my own. As you noted seoulsearch, time is ticking...especially as women! I dont want to be an old mother, but the sad truth is, if I get the chance, I WILL BE whether I like it or not! My sister is 3 years older than me and while she has one child she would dearly love to give him a sister/brother, however for the past 3 years they have tried with no success....I fear the same fate. These days its not about when you get pregnant after your married its more IF you can get pregnant. I guess I am beginning a sort of grief stage, where I must now face that I may have children of my own, or maybe even get married.......

 

[seoulsearch]

I was in a cooking class a few months ago graciously held by a woman at my old church... of course, she, her assistant, and all the other girls in this class (all younger than me, some by ten years) were all married.

Our final exam? "Each of you girls is to bring her husband and you're each going to make a recipe from scratch to serve... we're going to have this nice group dinner where we all sit down and serve our husbands..."

Then she looks straight at me as if I'm an afterthought and says in front of everyone, "Now Kim, honey, we don't want you to feel left out. You be sure to bring a date..."

Yeah, right.

I went by myself. And sat there with 8 other couples.

*this one has to be at least 500 points for taking the class and then another 500 for being at the dinner*

If there is a trophy awarded for single-dom, I'm gonna win it, dang-nab-it-all!

 

[MusicalMe]

I soooo hear you seoulsearch!!!
I too understand the biological clock thing....I mean being single in your twenties is FINE and I sometimes get irritated by people in their 20's whinging about not being married when really, they have many child bearing years to go!

I would just like to clarify that I'm not whining about being single... just people who think my singleness is a personality-defining issue...

 

[J0Y]

oops, re-read the last line and it doesnt make sense! LOL
Its meant to read ' ...where I must now face that I may NOT have children of my own...'

 

[J0Y]

oh sorry, musicalme...
that wasnt aimed at you...and you ARENT whining about it...your bringing up some pertinent discussion for me lol

 

[seoulsearch]

I COMPLETELY understand, Joy. If you ever need to vent... feel free to drop me a line.

Hey... do we older singles get any extra points for having survived singlehood for a longer duration of time??? (It's on now, baby... I'm out to win no matter what, and it's starting to get ugly .)

Bonus points for every year that's passed? I think so!