The Unforgiven? (Zombies of Relationships Past.)

[seoulsearch]

Hi Everyone,

Robo's "Not Kissing Before Marriage" thread made me think about my own mistakes in my life and how I feel about that. As a small summary of some things I've posted in other threads: I've had three relationships in my life (well, four, if you count the kindergarten boyfriend... I didn't, so I'm sorry if that seems dishonest ) and was married at 23... however, he left for someone else when I was 25. He was from a very abusive family with a fanatically religious mother who believed in beatings as a way to "punish her children for their sins", so as I tried to get closer to God, he grew more and more distant... (though he did start out going to church with me every Sunday, which is why I originally thought we could make it), but eventually, he decided to leave.

I know some Christians believe you can never remarry after divorce. I have a very close relationship with the pastors from my home church--they believe it depends on God's individual plan for your life and have been kind enough to spend a lot of time with me in my struggles. My pastors believe I am meant to marry again but it's not an absolute--it's something that only God knows.

I have never kept in contact with anyone I had a romantic relationship with, and God put it on my heart years ago to get rid of anything I had involving any of them several years ago (gifts, trinkets, pictures, even things I'd bought while I was with them that were totally unrelated to them but reminded me of them.) In other words, I think this was God helping me to "wipe the slate clean." If I am meant to meet someone again, I can tell him, the past is the past (and has been for many years)--I will tell you everything you want to know about it, but there is, and will only be, you. And I would want the same from him.

I "know" God forgives me for the past, but I often don't "feel" it. I've been told that faith is often what we choose to believe rather than a feeling... but I still have struggles. How can we "know" something but find it so hard to believe?

I've tried to fill my time of singleness with various church classes, volunteer work, and hobbies... but sometimes I look in the mirror and tell God, "God, I guess there wouldn't be a good Christian guy who would want me anyway," because I somehow feel "past the point of no return"--I'm not in my 20's anymore... and I've already been married once, so sometimes I feel as if I would be seen as having nothing left to give. It can be very hard to think your chance at Christian companionship (marriage) is over completely when you're 25 and that you may have to look at being alone for the rest of your life...

How about all of you? Do you "feel" or "believe" you are forgiven for the past? Do you still struggle? Tell us about it. And if you are at peace with being forgiven, what brought you to that point, and what advice do you have for the rest of us?

God bless and much love!

 

[SamIam]

but sometimes I look in the mirror and tell God, "God, I guess there wouldn't be a good Christian guy who would want me anyway," because I somehow feel "past the point of no return"--I'm not in my 20's anymore... and I've already been married once, so sometimes I feel as if I would be seen as having nothing left to give. It can be very hard to think your chance at Christian companionship (marriage) is over completely when you're 25 and that you may have to look at being alone for the rest of your life - { quote} seoulsearch


You pretty much nailed it right there kim. I have come to grips with the fact that i will be alone for the rest of my life, and im young. It is a hard thing to realize, but like you said i guess there wouldnt be a good christian who would want me anyways.., no one wants someone whose been divorced or that has a child, The dates that i have been on, as sooon as the person finds out im divorced there like runnin for the door, even when i try and explain, i was left, i didnt do the leaving, still doesnt matter, as soon as they hear the d word.. there gone. Honestly, sometimes i feel like i have some sort of disease, and it must be so bad no one would ever consider dating me or marrying me. so i believe the sooner i settle within myself that its just gonna be me and my daughter, i think the better off i'll be. I definantly believe god has forgiven me for the past, he knows how much i have repented and then turned from those things, but i do feel people still judge me for those things. I think to myself sometimes, This must be what i deserve. I will always be awe struck at the fact that because of what someone did to me, because someone cheated on me, then left me.That i am no longer worthy of anyones time. Ultimately it is what it is though.

 

[MusicalMe]

I feel at peace with God about my mistakes... but I don't feel at peace with my fellow Christians.

 

[MusicalMe]

And as for you two, Kim and Sam, anyone who turns away from you is crazy. You're both awesome people and I've had so much fun visiting with you here on CChat. I'm not going to say "Oh, no, you'll find someone, I know it!" because I don't know it.... but I hope that you do. I hope that you both find someone as amazing as you are.

 

[cate]

l at times struggle especialy when people tend to remind me but what keeps me going is by telling myself God love is unconditional.kim,musical me and sam let us not allow people to look down on us for if God is for us who can be against us.let hold our head high and move on i believe we all have a second chance.

 

[chelsers]

And as for you two, Kim and Sam, anyone who turns away from you is crazy. You're both awesome people and I've had so much fun visiting with you here on CChat. I'm not going to say "Oh, no, you'll find someone, I know it!" because I don't know it.... but I hope that you do. I hope that you both find someone as amazing as you are.

I second this and I add, you're fabulous yourself ma'am

 

[Golfaholic30]

but sometimes I look in the mirror and tell God, "God, I guess there wouldn't be a good Christian guy who would want me anyway," because I somehow feel "past the point of no return"--I'm not in my 20's anymore... and I've already been married once, so sometimes I feel as if I would be seen as having nothing left to give. It can be very hard to think your chance at Christian companionship (marriage) is over completely when you're 25 and that you may have to look at being alone for the rest of your life - { quote} seoulsearch


You pretty much nailed it right there kim. I have come to grips with the fact that i will be alone for the rest of my life, and im young. It is a hard thing to realize, but like you said i guess there wouldnt be a good christian who would want me anyways.., no one wants someone whose been divorced or that has a child, The dates that i have been on, as sooon as the person finds out im divorced there like runnin for the door, even when i try and explain, i was left, i didnt do the leaving, still doesnt matter, as soon as they hear the d word.. there gone. Honestly, sometimes i feel like i have some sort of disease, and it must be so bad no one would ever consider dating me or marrying me. so i believe the sooner i settle within myself that its just gonna be me and my daughter, i think the better off i'll be. I definantly believe god has forgiven me for the past, he knows how much i have repented and then turned from those things, but i do feel people still judge me for those things. I think to myself sometimes, This must be what i deserve. I will always be awe struck at the fact that because of what someone did to me, because someone cheated on me, then left me.That i am no longer worthy of anyones time. Ultimately it is what it is though.

Some people may run because the Bible does say that it is a sin (adultry) to marry someone who has been divorced except for "marital unfaithfulness." I know that some people think that when Jesus said "marital unfaithfulness", he meant adultry. To be perfectly honest with you, I don't know if that is what Jesus meant or not. He didn't say ADULTRY, he said MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS. Sometiems I wonder, is physically hurting your spouse marital unfaithfulness? I would think it would be, but I don't know exactly what Jesus meant. I would also think that your spouse leaving you when you did not want that to happen would be marital unfaithfulness as well. Abandonment is certainly unfaithfulness in my book. I think that if YOU had left your spouse because YOU decided YOU didn't want to be married anymoe, than I would say that you have also forfeited your right to ever marry.. But since it was the other way around, I'm not sure that's the case. Have you talked to a pastor about this? It's a complicated and delicate issue, so I hope I didn't just say something that offends you.

 

[SamIam]

Some people may run because the Bible does say that it is a sin (adultry) to marry someone who has been divorced except for "marital unfaithfulness." I know that some people think that when Jesus said "marital unfaithfulness", he meant adultry. To be perfectly honest with you, I don't know if that is what Jesus meant or not. He didn't say ADULTRY, he said MARITAL UNFAITHFULNESS. Sometiems I wonder, is physically hurting your spouse marital unfaithfulness? I would think it would be, but I don't know exactly what Jesus meant. I would also think that your spouse leaving you when you did not want that to happen would be marital unfaithfulness as well. Abandonment is certainly unfaithfulness in my book. I think that if YOU had left your spouse because YOU decided YOU didn't want to be married anymoe, than I would say that you have also forfeited your right to ever marry.. But since it was the other way around, I'm not sure that's the case. Have you talked to a pastor about this? It's a complicated and delicate issue, so I hope I didn't just say something that offends you.

i wasnt looking for any kind of answer to what i said. It was just my point of view

 

[24ever]

Hi, a newbie and first post!.....I hope I'm doing this right since it is showing me that this message is too short and need at least ten characters.
Robo's "Not Kissing Before Marriage" thread made me think about my own mistakes in my life and how I feel about that.

I know I have been 4given 4 the past sins that I have committed, but the consequences of that sin is what I'm living with now. I don't feel like people are judging; more like I am judging myself as to not commit the same mistake.


As a small summary of some things I've posted in other threads: I've had three relationships in my life (well, four, if you count the kindergarten boyfriend... I didn't, so I'm sorry if that seems dishonest ) and was married at 23... however, he left for someone else when I was 25. He was from a very abusive family with a fanatically religious mother who believed in beatings as a way to "punish her children for their sins", so as I tried to get closer to God, he grew more and more distant... (though he did start out going to church with me every Sunday, which is why I originally thought we could make it), but eventually, he decided to leave.

I married and was divorced by my first love. He was not a christian so we were unequally yoked and because of that the pain has been tremendous. I did not want the divorce.

I know some Christians believe you can never remarry after divorce. I have a very close relationship with the pastors from my home church--they believe it depends on God's individual plan for your life and have been kind enough to spend a lot of time with me in my struggles. My pastors believe I am meant to marry again but it's not an absolute--it's something that only God knows.

I believe God gives us free will, so the issue of marriage is an individual thing that one has to discern. Right now I know/feel that I need 2 b single b/c until I meet that someone who meets the criteria. The availability is slim to none at this point. I've been single 4 a long time now and still have issues that has not been resolved therefore, I'm not ready to start a relationship. Don't want that carry on baggage lol.


" because I somehow feel "past the point of no return"-- I'm with you here...same boat lol


that you may have to look at being alone for the rest of your life... So far this is the hard truth that I'm having difficulty/struggling to accept.


at peace with being forgiven, At peace of being 4given here, just struggling with the consequence as said b4.


brought you to that point, and what advice do you have for the rest of us? Don't have an advice but the sooner I accept the "no" from God right now I think I will b happy being single...................

God bless and much love![/quote]

 

[MusicalMe]

I second this and I add, you're fabulous yourself ma'am

And so are you!

 

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I really appreciate the discussion and kind support for all of us who were divorced by our spouses... and not just us, but also for divorced people in general and those who have made mistakes in past relationships/choices--not just in marriage.

I really liked what Golfaholic said about "maritial unfaithfulness"--that it could have a wider span of meaning than just adultery. At my home church, our pastors always say, "If you and/or your children are being physically abused, get out now, while you still have your life," because they have seen and dealt with so many cases of this particular situation. And thank you for being open-minded. I have a greater compassion for all people who have gone through bad breakups under varying conditions.

Sam, if you were closer, I would definitely ask you out as a friend for coffee or a bite to eat. I don't think we'd click romantically though because *smiling at him, trying to cheer him up* 1. I don't think I'm your type (I think I have too much attitude for you ) and 2. we'd never make it past all the arguments about Chuck Norris!!!

One thing that comforts me is that... when Jesus was talking to the Samaritan woman at the well who had five husbands and a live-in boyfriend, He didn't call her evil, diseased, beyond help or forgiveness... He didn't even call her a sinner or anything else some well-meaning Christian people call divorcees... He simply stated the facts of her life. I wonder if He gave her any advice--if she would have asked Him, "Jesus, if I marry the guy I'm with right now, would we be be forgiven and be able to start over?" Or would He have told her, "You've forfeited your right to marriage ever again--you must stay single and without a companion for the rest of your life."

I don't know, but He spoke to her with kindness and compassion. One thing that always makes me smile about Jesus, too, is that... it's almost like He loved to push the envelope a bit--actually, a lot--with the Pharisees, most religious of the religious of the day--the "Super Christians", if you wil. I mean, He was CONSTANTLY healing people on the Sabbath, which they forbid. It's almost as if Jesus looked around ON PURPOSE for someone to heal on the Sabbath, which always got their goat!!! And His harshest words were always directed towards the Pharisees--the supposed greatest religious examples/teachers/leaders of the day--not the prostitutes, tax collectors, Samaritans, and general outcasts who, for some reason, felt comfortable enough to walk right up to Jesus and even hang out with Him.

And He told them that if they had, say, an animal that was important to them and it got lost on the Sabbath... they'd go looking for it even though it was technically "against the law."

My pastors have often said there is the Letter of the Law and the Spirit of the Law--the letter is the absolute totalitarian authority behind it; the Spirit of the law is the reason why the law was made (to help people.) My senior pastor always says, "God made laws to benefit people--not people to benefit the laws." This is NOT, of course, said as an excuse in ANY WAY of somehow overlooking sin, but... my pastors emphasize that there must be a balance between the law and the well-being of the people the law is meant to protect.

Don't lose heart, everyone. God is going to get us through. And I know He understands our hearts.

(Sam, I read your post at lunch and prayed for you the rest of the afternoon at work--I know it's so hard, but you've been very inspiring to me here, especially in the things you've shared about your own family and raising your daughter. Jerememiah 29:11 says that God wants to give us a HOPE and a FUTURE... and I know He has one for you, too. *hugs*).