When to let go and when to move on....

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toinena

Senior Member
Mar 10, 2017
2,186
495
83
#1
I thought I met HIM. The big dream of a man. Supposedly Godly. He broke up with me, but still I waited for him for a year. Perhaps I had a hope of us getting together for longer than that. I still think of him at times. Sometimes with relief, sometimes with grief and sometimes with love.

When is it time to give up praying and waiting? When to move on? Some are easy to get over and you see it clearly wasn't meant to be. Some are just always going to be there as a dream or a hope.

And then. How do you recognize love? How do you know that this is it, when you have been burnt and hurt earlier?
 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,114
64
48
#2
I have been through something similar and it was incredibly painful at the time. It has taken a long time to recover from everything that I went through, but the thing that caused me the most pain was actually my own choice to stick around and hold on for far too long.

This is going to sound like a very cheesy answer, but I think 1 Corinthians 13 is a great description of how we can recognize love. I have said this quite a few times to different people including my sisters--it is easy for a guy to say flattering things to you, but you are really going to know whether or not he means it by what he is willing to sacrifice for you.

toinena, the worst thing that you can do when someone breaks relationship with you is continue to hold out hope and not come to accept the reality that the relationship isn't going to happen. Grief is hard, but it is a valuable part of our existence because it paves the way for us to accept the new reality that we are mourning, in this case that the person we love is no longer a part of our lives. Please allow that process to happen and allow yourself the opportunity to come to accept the way things are. That is the only way that you can heal and move on. It isn't easy at all, but it is possible and even necessary to be able to live in a healthy way and give yourself the opportunity to experience joy elsewhere.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
5,387
776
113
#3
When is it time to give up praying and waiting? I guess that depends entirely on the situation. After my ex announced her intention to separate from me, I asked how long she figured the separation would be. Her response was "At least a year". At the time I didn't realize what she meant. As one year rolled around I came to realize that she never intended it to be a temporary situation. From that point on I knew we were done, and the rest was merely a matter of time.
 

Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,017
74
48
#4
I think the easiest way to keep moving forward is realizing that youre better off alone and moving on with life than being in a one sided relationship. When the other person doesn't love you, love yourself and get out.
 

Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,017
74
48
#5
T, even though it's tough, way hard, easier said than done, and heartbreaking...it's way better in the long run. Bad relationships over time are way more toxic than being alone. You know it is.
I love you sis. There's a lot of brothers and sisters who have been there, done that. So, you're in good company...and we can lean on Christ as well as each other.
 
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Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,017
74
48
#6
And yes...I said easiest and hardest. It's hard getting to a certain place in the moving on process, but then you look back and can say it was easier than having stayed. That's what healing is about.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,697
658
113
#7
Well, really, if things aren't working then whether it's love or not is irrelevant.
I can't answer the other half as I often hang on too long myself.
 

christian74

Senior Member
Oct 1, 2013
401
12
0
#8
In my opinion (based on my experience)
You just would know when.
You sound like a type of person who really values the time and the person your shared your heart/life with.
If that is the case, the only "correct" answer is until and when your heart feels one way or another - it will be like, what's the word I'm looking for here.. going against your own self/subconsciousness/what really makes you if you force to let go/move on when your heart feels otherwise even if you have to live with the negative consequence/fruit that comes with. The only solution, if I may, is to fall in love with Jesus to the point where what your heart values is no longer precious to you anymore.
 

Ruthwashere

Junior Member
Jan 26, 2018
16
2
0
#9
There is a like of good advice here. I have to share that in my experience, I do not make good decisions. Past hurts and choices have shown me that without prayer and with godly counsel, I will mess up. When I move ahead of GOD and when I choose to enter into relationships without confirmation from the Lord, it rarely turns out good. I have also fallen in love with a Christian man and when God told me to let "him" go...I kinds sorta pleaded, BUT I love him Lord. You just gotta LOVE GOD when He tells you the truth, the whole truth and NOTHING but HIS Truth. He lovingly said, "Daughter, you don't know love...not MY LOVE." HE was so right...my choice to love was still based on past experiences and I needed to purpose my heart to be still and sit at the Feet of My Savior. WOW------being single was not what I wanted, but SO what I needed. God sung over me again and again, Psalm 37:4 & 7. It wasn't easy and it was lonely at times, but I don't regret one single day. I pray you have strong Christian women friends who not only pray with you and for you but also have the freedom to speak the truth in love and hold you accountable to the (one) you hope to spend the REST OF YOU LIFE with. And lastly, my best-friend is going through an awful divorce because he said he was a Christian. They even tried counseling and it just didn't work. She said in the end that God told he that she assumed he was the one and HE did not approve of their rushing into things. The ex was not fully committed to the Lord and most likely not a believer. She was beautiful and I believe they had a physical attraction more so than a unified spiritual path towards Christlikeness. Praying for the patience to wait on the LORD. Praying for clarity and wisdom. God's best for us is always wrapped in PEACE and not confusion or chaos. You're love in the body of Christ!
 

Deror

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2018
183
12
18
#10
Dear Toinena, my heart aches with you. I'm so sorry. Been there myself. Still kinda in it. The healing anyway. And that battle to differentiate a good godly healthy fruitful mutually beneficial love to a 'love' that hurts. (Details left out on the negative)
It's a process, sometimes a long one, and I've gone back and forth in my own experiences. It can be so hard to let go when one gets a Hope in their heart. Sigh :(

I pray your healing will be quickened by Holy Spirit to see and recognise Love as Jesus and your Heavenly Father intended for you to experience.

The gauge of 1 Corinthians 13 was so helpful to me when I wasn't sure whether I was encountering a healthy love having been burned before also. I wrote it out and put it on my wall so I could meditate on it. Of course I recognised I need to gauge myself by this too.

Agreeing that there's lots of great nuggets of wisdom people have posted here and I really hope you can glean some goodness and healing from it all.

This might be corny but it helped me through the cognitive dissonance being a simple visual message. Hope it helps you too??



Now I realise I'm a person worthy of Love because Jesus loves me. I've been sent constant messages through life that I'm not lovable but now I realise that's a lie. Ok some might not love me so that's ok, it's their choice but I won't let their treatment or viewpoint send me a message that I'm unlovable, or convince me that no-one will. Now I've concluded that I'd rather wait and hold out for hope of the full feast rather than accept the crumbs of 'love' that someone offers me.

You're an incredible wonderful lady dear and I pray you get through this with a deep healing from Jesus.
God Bless you dear xx
 

toinena

Senior Member
Mar 10, 2017
2,186
495
83
#11
These are all great answers. I loved the Jesus/teddy bear picture. I think I will print it out.

Things are getting better. I guess I was confused by the fact that he was supposedly a Christian and that made me blind to all his flaws. Because I was so convinced this was meant to be by God.

I have tried to meet other men. Online. But I guess I compared them only to him and they were all doomed to fail, because I was still waiting for him in my heart.
 

Deror

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2018
183
12
18
#12
I just smiled when I saw that teddy bear picture :) kinda like the same lightbulb moment when I saw this one



Hehe :D that helped me when I thought I wasn't getting anywhere or bearing any fruit!!

Im glad things are getting better for you Toinena :) may you keep going in Jesus and be led into Grace, Good Healthy Love, Healing and Truth. May clarity be restored to you and your heart in Jesus name!


I've been learning to always keep Jesus as my first Love -- ( Him. Jesus, His Love as the true filter/gauge from which I look, and measure - not sure how to explain what I mean, sorry - hope you can understand where I'm coming from ) -- so I can see through that First Love filter instead. I've been confused by the behaviour of some Christian men too. That's why I've realised having that sound solid filter of Jesus' Love, and Truth keeps me from being misdirected. Kinda guards my heart... ??

I guess that can confuse ones heart even more when one believes a scenario is from God.
I've had to learn how to trust God in those times, and say, OK Father, please help me on this, cos have I been leaning on my own understanding here....?
I'm so glad Jesus can see my confused heart so clearly, and understands, and is able to clear up all the confusion. :)

May God work everything out for good for you. May you be completely restored and encouraged in the Lord. May God do a new thing for you and in your life that brings Joy and for clarity from His Holy Spirit to stay with you always. May you glean wisdom from what you've been through. In Jesus name.
 

Deror

Senior Member
Mar 30, 2018
183
12
18
#13
P.S. So sorry to post again, but I got a check in myself to clarify something -- that I can't judge your situation -- When I said about "one can be confused when one believes a person or situation is from God," well I didn't want to come across or sound like I was invalidating your belief that your scenario was from God. Sorry if that came across wrong on my part.
Confusion isn't from God I know that much!!
In my own situation, I suppose my case, that was half my battle - wondering where God was involved in it all. What was fromGod and what wasn't. I guess what I'm trying to share ( and doing a really rubbish job at (lol)), is that I really hope that you don't allow this situation to spoil your view or relationship with God Himself. God loves you despite other people's actions or behaviours or treatment, and God has your best interests at heart. God bless
 

Ruthwashere

Junior Member
Jan 26, 2018
16
2
0
#14
I love all this encouragement and how we are never alone in the body of Christ. Especially when we are vulnerable. Iron does sharpen Iron! One thing that I realized in my friendships with single believers is that we oftentimes we forget that the enemy cannot read our minds but he is surely watching our behaviors and level of faith and contentment. My friend is desperately wanting to be married and just dumped a jerk while not yet divorced. Again, her heart is broken. I grieve with her. The enemy knows she's lonely and wanting a "man." We tend to by nature, say one thing and do the opposite. The Holy Spirit was my wise COUNSEL and I had to meditate on Romans 12:1-2, and then I asked the Lord to help me find contentment in this single journey. WOW did He answer. I'm so loving several different ministries and so blissfully tired at the end of the day. It's like a present, each day, waiting to see what He's up to. I know in my heart that He is preparing "my version" of King David, in His timing. A godly man after His heart and one who will fear God and love me. I'm praying that for you beloved sister!
 

grace4ever

Junior Member
Aug 17, 2017
11
0
0
#15
DearToinena, I’m sorry for you are going through. It soundsthat you have been through a lot recently.. It is understandable the way thatyou feel for the situation that you are experiencing with your former boyfriend.But let me tell you that you have a purpose in life. Even in the darkest momentsin our lives there’s always hope. Please, let me tell you that you are notalone. Things happen for a reason. It is a hard situation that you areliving now, but do not feel discourage. Hang in there!! Please do not give up! Ithink that we sometimes we do not want to experience disappointment but I thinkit is part of life. I know that for a woman is important to find out a especialperson to share your life with, but do not feel discourage. Hang in there! Aboutmoving on I encourage to do that now because it seems that is not meant thatyou should be with that person. This time of being single is a time to work on yourselfand to open to friendship. I encourage you to seek new friendships andcultivate them. I encourage you to enjoy this time getting along and going outwith friends. If someone ask you for dating, I encourage you to propose himstart with a friendship. If you realize everything start with a friendship andthen maybe both can discover the relationship can start in something else, youcan try. Nowadays there are many ways to know people around you throughhobbies, volunteer jobs or charitable organizations, tours trips, group fromchurch, speed dating, even virtual sites dating if you feel comfortable withthat. I would like to share with you that to meet my husband I had to pass forsome disappointments in life. I think is part of the process. Disappointmentscome from both men and women. My husband told me also that he had to experiencedisappointments when he was dating. In despite of this situation as a ChristianI believe God made you in His image and that you are important and valuableperson and you are a person worth of dignity and respect. If marriage is yourvocation be confident that God has a especial person for you. God’s plan doesnot itself, it needs the collaboration of human beings. To meet your soulmate is an excitingadventure. Do not give up on praying. It did not happen anything with this guy isbecause God has a better idea and the right fit for you. From my experience aswomen sometimes it is hard to wait but we need to ask God for patience, becauseit will not be in our times however in God’s time. Patience is the virtue ofsaints. I encourage you to keep praying for your future soulmate. I’m sure thathe is doing the same for you. Maybe you can take out good of this situationthat you have to deal with. On the other hand I think love starts for yourselfand you can use this time to think, reflect and start again. I encourage to askyourself: Have you ever thought what areyour strengths and weaknesses? Do you know your talents and skills? Have youthought what are the strengths that would you like to find in a man? When thatespecial person comes you would be very happy for all this time that youwaited. I want to leave you this wonderful promise that God has for you in hisSacred Word: Yes, I know what plans I have in mind for you, Yahweh declares, plans for peace, not for disaster, togive you a future and a hope. Jer 29, 11.
 

Sarabrao

Junior Member
Nov 21, 2015
18
0
0
#16
Everything that comes from God is peaceful and loving .
Pray ,talk to God , meditate that HE helps you to find a man of HIS choice for you and HE will do it beyond your expectations . Amen
 
L

La_Vie_En_Rose

Guest
#17
When a man tells you he loves you, but is not IN love with you. Find a man IN love with you, that preposition is pretty important!