Why Don't We Hear About Single Christian Women Looking for Husbands in Other Countries?

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
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#1
Hey Everyone,

I was just thinking about the fact that I've often read about men who look for love online in foreign countries (meaning, for this thread, any country other than the one they are living in or identify with.) Several years ago here in Singles, we had a few middle-aged men (in their 50's) who were very enthusiastically encouraging Christian men to look for young brides in Asian countries. I remember one specifically saying that "American women are poison," and therefore, a man's best chance was to look overseas.

Over the years, I've personally known about 15 married couples in which the spouses were from completely different countries and cultures. In the past, I've written some threads about the unique challenges they've told me they face, but this thread is not about that.

Rather, I'd like to ask -- if Christian men feel led by God to seek young wives from other countries, why aren't Christian women doing the same?

As I've said, I've known some couples who fit this category, but it was always the husband who had actively pursued options in other countries, and not the wife. So why don't we see this in reverse? I've never met, or even read about, a single couple in which the woman was the one who was actively pursuing men in other countries through dating sites that advertise foreign spouses, etc. Why not? (I'm sure there must be a few out there, but why would it be so rare?)

* Is it because the men are seen as being the ones who should pursue, and therefore, women shouldn't be pursuing men? (If so, why,, and are they, allowed to pursue men within their own country?)

* Is it because more men are in a position to hunt for foreign spouses than women? (For example, they don't have kids or have enough leniency in their custody agreements to be able to pursue someone in another country.)

* Is it because women just aren't interested in this kind of option?

I would really be interested in hearing your feedback.

Please note -- I'm neither encouraging nor condoning this for either gender. If a person feels led by God to pursue a spouse in another country, who am I to say anything?

But ladies, if you DID decide to look for men in other countries:

* Would you be more likely to look for someone who is younger (as the men seem to do), about your age, or older?

* Would you travel to the country to meet him, or would you want him to come to your country instead? And would do you think you'd wind up moving to his country, or would you expect him to move to yours?

I know that duplicate threads are usually frowned upon, but I am going to copy this and put it up in the Family Forum as well. I'm interested in what both singles and married have to say about this, and know that the best way to try to glean from both groups is to post in both forums.

Looking forward to an interesting discussion!
 

JustEli

Well-known member
Dec 23, 2018
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#2
I am old fashioned, I like to meet chicks at the bar............... hahahahaha
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,373
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#3
I am old fashioned, I like to meet chicks at the bar............... hahahahaha

Well, one of the number one reasons men give for looking for foreign women to marry is that they want a woman with "good old fashioned family values"... :ROFL:
 

Runningman

Well-known member
Mar 4, 2020
598
575
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#6
The older you get the pool of available single people without baggage decreases drastically. Like for example, by the time someone is in their mid 50s many people already have children, a boat load of debt, maybe a failed marriage or two. Not saying those things are deal breakers, but I find that many single people want to start with a clean slate with someone, not jump right into being a provider for someone single with kids and debt.

So people who are single and may seek a partner well below their traditional age range because they don't bring a lot of baggage to the relationship usually. It might be easier to look overseas for a mail order bride or bridegroom because those kind of markets are almost always not based in Western countries. In other words, that's just the nature of the business, I imagine.

There's a lot of other possible reasons unique to each person's life circumstances of course, but I'll stick with that for now.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
15,152
8,231
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#7
You mean all those "Christian" women in Russia and Ukraine aren't actually Christians?

(okay, I'll admit, I've looked)
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
16,384
3,833
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#8
I have wondered this often - not about Christians specifically, but about population tendencies in general. We never hear about mail-order husbands...

And those women in those countries that they advertise are looking for American husbands - why are they so eager to leave their own countries that they will marry strange men from America just to get out?
 

JustEli

Well-known member
Dec 23, 2018
1,205
887
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46
#9
I have wondered this often - not about Christians specifically, but about population tendencies in general. We never hear about mail-order husbands...

And those women in those countries that they advertise are looking for American husbands - why are they so eager to leave their own countries that they will marry strange men from America just to get out?
because it sucks where their at, for the most part.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,373
2,753
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#10
The older you get the pool of available single people without baggage decreases drastically. Like for example, by the time someone is in their mid 50s many people already have children, a boat load of debt, maybe a failed marriage or two. Not saying those things are deal breakers, but I find that many single people want to start with a clean slate with someone, not jump right into being a provider for someone single with kids and debt.

So people who are single and may seek a partner well below their traditional age range because they don't bring a lot of baggage to the relationship usually. It might be easier to look overseas for a mail order bride or bridegroom because those kind of markets are almost always not based in Western countries. In other words, that's just the nature of the business, I imagine.

There's a lot of other possible reasons unique to each person's life circumstances of course, but I'll stick with that for now.

Excellent points -- thank you for your post!

Although I don't want to make this thread all about the dynamics of the actual marriages in these situations, I think the men who go in looking for a young, adoring wife might not be prepared for or aware of the cultural differences.

The number one conflict I've seen in these relationships is that the man wants a woman with "good, old-fashioned family values", then brings her to his home country and essentially cuts her off from the family that gave her those good old fashioned values in the first place.

I am by no means an expert on this and am certainly not trying to somehow blame the men, but the only couples I've seen make this work are the ones who can find a compromise in which she is able to regularly visit/maintain close contact with her family.

I've read about men being fed up with "materialistic Westernized women" but but they don't seem to realize that they will need to provide a way for their new wife to see her family as often as possible. And if the two wind up having any kids of their own, many cultures expect the bride's mother to help raise them (meaning she is to be invited to live with them,) along with expectations that the bride and her family will take care of her parents and any younger siblings as well.

However, these are only the things I've seen -- maybe others here have had much different experiences.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,373
2,753
113
#11
I have wondered this often - not about Christians specifically, but about population tendencies in general. We never hear about mail-order husbands...

And those women in those countries that they advertise are looking for American husbands - why are they so eager to leave their own countries that they will marry strange men from America just to get out?
The American, Canadian, and European currency is usually a lot more valuable than their home currency, and even minimum wages in other countries are generally much higher in comparison.

While this isn't always the case, in some situations, a foreign man is seen as a cash cow for her whole family.

I was in a place a while back in which 1 American dollar was worth about 18 to the local people.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,373
2,753
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#12
You mean all those "Christian" women in Russia and Ukraine aren't actually Christians?

(okay, I'll admit, I've looked)

I had a guy friend who was looking for a woman in those countries.

He made it all the way there for a 2-week trip, only to find out right off the bat that the woman he was talking to didn't even speak English and had been using a translator the entire time.

It didn't stop him though, and he eventually did find a wonderful girl from that area.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
15,152
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#13
I had a guy friend who was looking for a woman in those countries.

He made it all the way there for a 2-week trip, only to find out right off the bat that the woman he was talking to didn't even speak English and had been using a translator the entire time.

It didn't stop him though, and he eventually did find a wonderful girl from that area.
I know a couple personally; he's local, she's from Eastern Europe. She does speak English though, and came with a Master's degree. I read enough reviews of the sites to be suspicious though. Maybe I should ask him where he was looking.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,373
2,753
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#14
I know a couple personally; he's local, she's from Eastern Europe. She does speak English though, and came with a Master's degree. I read enough reviews of the sites to be suspicious though. Maybe I should ask him where he was looking.
We lost touch after they got married, but this was yet another roadblock -- she had 2 Master's degrees but yet couldn't work at all due to all the legal complications, visas, green card, etc. taking forever to sort out, as well as paying the fees, etc.

She was immensely frustrated by this because she's a very hard worker and had never intended to leave her home country in to just sit around the house.

If a man is expecting a woman to help him with the bills, a foreign bride may be prohibited from doing so even if she wants to work. The women I've known in those situations (where life was much different than they expected) couldn't keep up a facade of being a happy, adoring wife for very long.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,185
1,802
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#15
Well it seems women more prone to seek men outside of their country are more likely to have ulterior motives. And those are more likely to lack financial means. Thus chances of them seeking a man online are reduced. The Philipines are a prime example. My dad was in the Navy during the Korean war. The Philipines were a common place for shore leave, and many women there flocked to the American sailors, in hopes of getting out of the country by marrying an American soldier. Even on CC, when i first joined and frequented the chats i had numerous women from the Philipines approach me and start fishing around for whether or not i had the financial means to get them out of the country. Once learning i did not, have a lot of money they often wouldn't even say another word.
Because, with such women, having less honest motives, i think they feel they have to connect more directly, rather than a public search, hence why you see it less.
Anyways, i believe that to be One of the reasons, obviously not the only one.
 
Mar 21, 2009
1,933
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New York
#16
Because nothing says "I want to be sold into the sex slave trade" like advertising for a husband from another country? That is probably why.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,450
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#17
Mostly I think it comes down to how gender roles and cultures go together. A western man may like the idea of a meek submissive wife who expects him to run things and is happy to stay home and raise a family and cook and clean. A western woman is much less likely to want to become part of a culture where women have fewer rights and a more socially if not legally restricted place in society. So I think there is something appealing to western men about marrying women from another (usually more conservative and patriarchal) culture that just doesn't appeal in the same way to western women marrying men from those places.

On the flip side depending on where you go in the world western women can also run into the opinion that all western women are loose and easy and therefore good fun material but not good wife material; or you can run into men only looking for business marriages for the purpose of immigration.

Though I can see the logic of if you're born in a country with little opportunity or freedom, marrying a rich foreign stranger probably seems like your best option for marriage ( and not getting married usually seems like not an option at all in many of those places).

In my experience I do think I have seen more western men with foreign women than vice a versa, though I do know of a few couples where the western woman went to the mission field and married a local. But probably for many of the reasons outlined above I don't think I've ever heard of western women trying to get foreign mail order husbands.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
8,477
3,116
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#18
No idea sorry. Maybe its just in your church but I would say its about fifty/fifty even split men going to a womans country and women going to a mens.

dont know about the advertising but well the sex trade is kinda confused a lot with prostitution. so women dont usually advertise or men would get the wrong idea and think shes for sale.

You have some odd ideas about east vs west seoul. But generally and I say this myself...eastern cooking is way tastier than western cooking. No matter who is chef.

I think its time to educate people that women are complex creatures and not all fit to steretoypes.
as for christian women generally most are happy in their relationship with the Lord and dont need to go looking for anyone else. Its more of a fend the guys off thing for christian women.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
8,477
3,116
113
#19
men had been sterotypically a bit helpless in the cooking department but actually nowadays many men are getting really good at it. So welcome to the 21st century where we are all kinda self sufficient these days and things are more equal.

i also know many men who are cleaning fanatics that would put the dutch to shame...so its not as if men dont know how to clean either.

Its only the really rich that can afford to pay someone else to do all those jobs cook, clean, nanny, nurse, maid, chauffeur, accoutant, secretary....which a wife might do for free with room and board. iN exhange for her body/rest of her life. But if you think its a good deal, go ahead.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,373
2,753
113
#20
No idea sorry. Maybe its just in your church but I would say its about fifty/fifty even split men going to a womans country and women going to a mens.

dont know about the advertising but well the sex trade is kinda confused a lot with prostitution. so women dont usually advertise or men would get the wrong idea and think shes for sale.

You have some odd ideas about east vs west seoul.
And... 3... 2... 1...

Ah yes. I've been wondering how long it would take for you to come to the thread and tell me how weird my ideas are, Lanolin, because you literally do this in every. single. thread I put up, lol.

I've come to see it a hallmark now, and actually look forward to it. Thank you for not disappointing, and welcome to the discussion. :)

Because nothing says "I want to be sold into the sex slave trade" like advertising for a husband from another country? That is probably why.
While I most definitely agree that it's generally more dangerous for a woman to seek out a husband in a foreign country, I'm not talking about women "putting themselves up for sale," though I can see how a dating profile might be seen as such.

What I'm really asking is something like this -- I see a slew of advertisements for dating sites specifically geared towards men, such as, "Exotic Asian Beauties WAITING to Meet YOU," and so forth. If I do any Google searches about relationships or Christian sites where you can meet people, my web pages will be bombarded with advertisements that cater to a man's every want, usually overseas.

Like anything else, I'm sure you can meet a few legit women out there (as mentioned in previous posts, my friend did, but only after some very bad experiences,) but is the focus always on supposedly supplying men with brides, and not women with husbands?

I also agree that in any situation (especially unknown places,) one must be especially careful regarding their safety. But what I'm wondering about is that you would think this would be seen as an equal opportunity, and yet I don't see ads for sites that cater to women looking for their dream husbands overseas. In other words, if there are SO MANY sites like this for men, why aren't there any female-oriented (catering to what WOMEN are looking for) counterparts?

A woman wouldn't have to "put herself up for sale" -- depending on the site's rules -- could post a profile with a generic photo of a landscape and no information about herself, which would cut down on the number of "offers" and allow her to peruse and choose the profiles of men she specifically wanted to talk to. Seeing as I've never been on a dating site that serves men exclusively, I don't know the rules. Maybe you don't even have to put up a profile and can simply "go shopping" for the woman of your dreams via screens full of profiles of supposedly available women.

I'm a woman and yet for some reason, the internet flashes tons of ads assuming I'm a man and that offer to help me find a dream woman from some exotic location (and some of us know men whom this has worked out for,) but I have never once seen an ad that offers the same services for women.

I'm not saying they're not out there. I'm just saying, why is this venue so seemingly one-sided?