Would You Compete with a Gaggle of Other Suitors to Win Someone's Hand?

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seoulsearch

Senior Member
May 23, 2009
10,792
381
83
#1
Hey Everyone,

I was just curious as to how you all feel about "competing" for the same person (when the person you like has other people after them.)

There were a few times when I was younger when I felt like I was "competing" for someone--and generally, I would lose. I always say that the only reason I ever had boyfriends at all was because they were the only guys who weren't interested in my friends (or at least, hadn't met them yet.)

Now days I have to admit, I don't really have any interest in competing for anyone. If a guy told me, "You're one of the Top 3 Contenders that I'm considering," he may as well just start calling me "Bessie," because that's going to make me feel like some kind of prize heifer who's competing against the rest of the herd for a blue ribbon (which, I guess, he would see as being himself :rolleyes:.)

No thanks. If I'm going to be a piece of livestock at the county fair, I'd personally rather try my luck at the Hog Calling Contest. :cool:

But I realize that this also creates a Catch 22, because, while I'm not keen on feeling like some kind of contestant (if I wanted that, I'd just enter a pageant or try out for a dating game show), but on the other hand, I don't want to feel like someone's last chance at not being single, either.

I suppose in my idealistic mind, I'm looking for someone who is content and out living life, and if we just happen to bump into each other and sparks fly.... Well then--"SSSUUUUUUU----EEEEEE!!!!"

I guess that would make me the Grand Prize Champion of The Best Hog-Calling Contest, ever. (Just kidding, sweetie, whoever you are and wherever you may be!)

How about the rest of you? How do you feel about competing for someone you're interested in?

For instance, what if:

* You and your best friend like the same person.

* The person you like has several other people after them.

* The person you like attracts a lot of attention from the opposite gender in general.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So...

1. What do you do to make yourself stand out, and catch the person's eye/win their heart?

2. Or, do you just give and walk away, and why?

3. If you did compete for someone, how did it turn out? And if you did not, do you have any regrets, or what do you wish you would have done differently?

By the way, I am in no way criticizing anyone who DOES compete for someone, most especially the guys, because I realize that in a way, the Christian culture almost sets this up ("Men should pursue and lead;" "Women should submit and wait to be approached.")

I acknowledge 100% that this kind of thinking seems to automatically put the men in a place of competing against each other for the women. Do you agree with that? Why or why not?

And, our married friends are welcome to post, too. Maybe some of you out there had to compete for your betrothed, and have a story to tell about it, or have seen it happen with other couples?

How did it go?
 
Last edited:

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,401
397
83
#2
Hey Everyone,

I was just curious as to how you all feel about "competing" for the same person (when the person you like has other people after them.)

There were a few times when I was younger when I felt like I was "competing" for someone--and generally, I would lose. I always say that the only reason I ever had boyfriends at all was because they were the only guys who weren't interested in my friends (or at least, hadn't met them yet.)

Now days I have to admit, I don't really have any interest in competing for anyone. If a guy told me, "You're one of the Top 3 Contenders that I'm considering," he may as well just start calling me "Bessie," because that's going to make me feel like some kind of prize heifer who's competing against the rest of the herd for a blue ribbon (which, I guess, he would see as being himself :rolleyes:.)

No thanks. If I'm going to be a piece of livestock at the county fair, I'd personally rather try my luck at the Hog Calling Contest. :cool:

But I realize that this also creates a Catch 22, because, while I'm not keen on feeling like some kind of contestant (if I wanted that, I'd just enter a pageant or try out for a dating game show), but on the other hand, I don't want to feel like someone's last chance at not being single, either.

I suppose in my idealistic mind, I'm looking for someone who is content and out living life, and if we just happen to bump into each other and sparks fly.... Well then--"SSSUUUUUUU----EEEEEE!!!!"

I guess that would make me the Grand Prize Champion of The Best Hog-Calling Contest, ever. (Just kidding, sweetie, whoever you are and wherever you may be!)

How about the rest of you? How do you feel about competing for someone you're interested in?

For instance, what if:

* You and your best friend like the same person.

* The person you like has several other people after them.

* The person you like attracts a lot of attention from the opposite gender in general.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So...

1. What do you do to make yourself stand out, and catch the person's eye/win their heart?

2. Or, do you just give and walk away, and why?

3. If you did compete for someone, how did it turn out? And if you did not, do you have any regrets, or what do you wish you would have done differently?

By the way, I am in no way criticizing anyone who DOES compete for someone, most especially the guys, because I realize that in a way, the Christian culture almost sets this up ("Men should pursue and lead;" "Women should submit and wait to be approached.")

I acknowledge 100% that this kind of thinking seems to automatically put the men in a place of competing against each other for the women. Do you agree with that? Why or why not?

And, our married friends are welcome to post, too. Maybe some of you out there had to compete for your betrothed, and have a story to tell about it, or have seen it happen with other couples?

How did it go?
Oh, dont let your heart be troubled..... when it comes to Seoul, she is at the front of the line.

I competed for my wife. There was another guy after her when we were courting. I took it as a fun challenge, I won. Then again, after the way things turned out.... I may have really loss.

When I want to catch a woman's eye, stand out to her, I start cutting weight and lifting even more. It's all I really have I guess. I'm not well cultured. I've never left the continental United States. I have a passport, so that's something.

If I'm really into a woman, I'm not going to just give up. I like to fight a little. It would be nice if we both fell in love at first sight, but I've never been in that movie before.

I kinda already answered that last question at the top, but I have no regrets. God put is together for a season, and we have wonderful children now.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
23,391
1,344
113
#3
Excellent post, scenario descriptions, and questions as usual, loveliest of Kims :)

Many years ago when I was seeing a very expensive therapist, she directed me in a guided meditation, asking me, what three things would my Higher Power, or Spirit Guide, (essentially God, Whom I did not believe in then as I do today) say to me? Immediately came the thought, "Share your love." Following quickly after that was, "You do not have to struggle, suffer, or compete for love." I will not say the third one
:rolleyes:

How about the rest of you? How do you feel about competing for someone you're interested in?

For instance, what if:

* You and your best friend like the same person.

* The person you like has several other people after them.

* The person you like attracts a lot of attention from the opposite gender in general.
I have been in these situations, though not for some time :D A few years ago, before I became a Christian, I found myself attracted to a man who was "seeing" a friend of mine, and not only a friend, but the woman I had asked to be my sponsor in AA. It did not help that she would occasionally let me know that her guy liked me, and she would audibly wonder why he and I had never ended up together :eek: It was a sticky wicket for me, because on the one hand, I knew he was keeping their liaison rather hush-hush, and she was not completely clear as to the actual status of their relationship, and I did not want to question her too terribly closely about it. I eventually just stopped going to that particular meeting, to eliminate any exposure to the guy, so that nothing could ever happen where I would be the one possibly hurting my friend.
 

seoulsearch

Senior Member
May 23, 2009
10,792
381
83
#4
Oh, dont let your heart be troubled..... when it comes to Seoul, she is at the front of the line.

I competed for my wife. There was another guy after her when we were courting. I took it as a fun challenge, I won. Then again, after the way things turned out.... I may have really loss.

When I want to catch a woman's eye, stand out to her, I start cutting weight and lifting even more. It's all I really have I guess. I'm not well cultured. I've never left the continental United States. I have a passport, so that's something.

If I'm really into a woman, I'm not going to just give up. I like to fight a little. It would be nice if we both fell in love at first sight, but I've never been in that movie before.

I kinda already answered that last question at the top, but I have no regrets. God put is together for a season, and we have wonderful children now.
Maybe, but you know what happens to cows who are first in line, don't you???!

They're the first ones to be made into hamburgers. :(

Tommy, your kids are beautiful and I know you are an awesome dad.

I'm truly sorry for how things turned out :(, but it's very inspiring that you can find the blessing in the midst of a disappointment. :)
 
Jul 15, 2017
34
1
8
#5
I don't compete if I like someone I tell them then it's down to them if they want to give it a go and maybe go out for a meal then great if they don't that's also fine but I don't chase and I don't compete if it's supposed to be it will be.
 

seoulsearch

Senior Member
May 23, 2009
10,792
381
83
#6
Excellent post, scenario descriptions, and questions as usual, loveliest of Kims :)

Many years ago when I was seeing a very expensive therapist, she directed me in a guided meditation, asking me, what three things would my Higher Power, or Spirit Guide, (essentially God, Whom I did not believe in then as I do today) say to me? Immediately came the thought, "Share your love." Following quickly after that was, "You do not have to struggle, suffer, or compete for love." I will not say the third one
:rolleyes:

I have been in these situations, though not for some time :D A few years ago, before I became a Christian, I found myself attracted to a man who was "seeing" a friend of mine, and not only a friend, but the woman I had asked to be my sponsor in AA. It did not help that she would occasionally let me know that her guy liked me, and she would audibly wonder why he and I had never ended up together :eek: It was a sticky wicket for me, because on the one hand, I knew he was keeping their liaison rather hush-hush, and she was not completely clear as to the actual status of their relationship, and I did not want to question her too terribly closely about it. I eventually just stopped going to that particular meeting, to eliminate any exposure to the guy, so that nothing could ever happen where I would be the one possibly hurting my friend.
Lady M,

I'm sorry that this happened to you and that this person was so cruel. :(

Man oh man. Most especially since you were looking to her to be a mentor!!! That has to be about the worst of betrayals. I really hope that you will find the right person who will choose JUST YOU, our very own Purple Reign, all for himself. :)

I have to admit, if the "competition" for a guy happens to be one or more of my friends, I just back out--I've never met someone whom I was willing to lose a friend for.

It's especially hard for me if it's one of my younger friends--being a bit older, I feel responsible for protecting her heart, if possible.

However, I admit I've never been in a situation where I thought I had found THE ONE... and my friend liked him too. If it was clear that he liked me and wanted to talk to me and not anyone else... Boy oh boy. I would probably have to have a very LONG talk with my friend...

Just the thought of it makes me antsy, because I'm usually the one on the other side, and I know how it feels... I'll try not to worry about this scenario until it ever happens.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,401
397
83
#7
Maybe, but you know what happens to cows who are first in line, don't you???!

They're the first ones to be made into hamburgers. :(

Tommy, your kids are beautiful and I know you are an awesome dad.

I'm truly sorry for how things turned out :(, but it's very inspiring that you can find the blessing in the midst of a disappointment. :)
Yeah, but hamburgers are so tasty.


I guess some people wish they could go back in time and take a pass on the one who hurt them. I'd have too much to lose if I did that. Thanks.
 

Susanna

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2013
2,588
70
48
#8
Yeah, but hamburgers are so tasty.


I guess some people wish they could go back in time and take a pass on the one who hurt them. I'd have too much to lose if I did that. Thanks.
Even though I haven't been there myself I can see what you mean.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
23,391
1,344
113
#9
Lady M,

I'm sorry that this happened to you and that this person was so cruel. :(

Man oh man. Most especially since you were looking to her to be a mentor!!! That has to be about the worst of betrayals. I really hope that you will find the right person who will choose JUST YOU, our very own Purple Reign, all for himself. :)

I have to admit, if the "competition" for a guy happens to be one or more of my friends, I just back out--I've never met someone whom I was willing to lose a friend for.

It's especially hard for me if it's one of my younger friends--being a bit older, I feel responsible for protecting her heart, if possible.

However, I admit I've never been in a situation where I thought I had found THE ONE... and my friend liked him too. If it was clear that he liked me and wanted to talk to me and not anyone else... Boy oh boy. I would probably have to have a very LONG talk with my friend...

Just the thought of it makes me antsy, because I'm usually the one on the other side, and I know how it feels... I'll try not to worry about this scenario until it ever happens.
Don't be sorry, Kim :) Plus, I think you got the wrong impression of my friend, for she was not being cruel at all that I could ever discern, but really just curious about whether or not I had feelings for him, but feelings can be deceptive, and great deceivers, too, if one is not careful. I preferred to err on the side of integrity, is all. I may have been off a little in my estimation of when it was, not being before I became Christian, but shortly after. Any ways, the one sure thing I knew for sure is that I did not want to play any part in hurting my friend, so I removed myself from the situation and eliminated the possibility. That man passed away suddenly fairly recently, too.

Many many years ago, my best friend ended up with my boyfriend at the time, whom I was quite emotionally involved with. The amount of pain I experienced as a result of that betrayal was soul crushing, though my best friend and I remained friends for many years after. Life was complicated in those days, being young, trying to figure things out, and being involved in the culture at the time. I have to cut this short. Love to you!
 

MissCris

Senior Member
Aug 24, 2011
6,600
258
83
#10
My best friend in middle school was a leggy, blue-eyed blonde. She turned heads everywhere we went, especially because at 13, she looked more like 16. My other close friend was a full foot shorter than me and looked like a little doll. So!

There were always boys around us, drooling over the one friend and flirting with the other. This was fine, until I actually liked one of them. It was bad enough that both of my friends liked him as well, worse that he paid zero attention to me, and horrible when one day he was telling three why he liked each of us- the blonde because she was “hot”, the doll because she was so pretty, and me...I was funny looking.

After that, I was asked out by a guy who was trying to get closer to my blonde friend. He dated me for over a year, but I found out he was “hanging out” with my friend behind my back.

Basically everyone I’ve ever liked has liked somebody else better. Kind of a devastating thing, through my teen years, and for a while, I Did compete- but, never being a truly competitive person, I just ended up making a fool of myself more often than not.

The few guys in my past who truly pursued Me... well. I used to be an easy target for a lot of things, and it wasn’t Me they were after at all.

My husband was the exception to all of this- he liked me in high school, he asked Me out. I was too busy trying to run off and marry a soldier to pay much attention back then. But a couple of years later, when I ran into him again, he asked me to a movie. He didn’t know my friends. He didn’t play games. He just...saw me, and wanted to know me better. I never wondered if or when he would call me, I never wondered if he would stand me up or be seen somewhere with someone else. For the first time, I was somebody’s first choice.

So I married him. And we haven’t lived happily ever after, but I’m still his first choice despite everything we’ve been through...and despite the fact that I turned half his work clothes pink in the wash this morning.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
9,002
480
83
#11
I never competed. I had little to no self esteem to even try. I do remember that with my 1st boyfriend, when we were just friends, I never let him hug me cuz he hugged everybody. I guess that was my way of standing out lol.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,648
629
113
#12
I competed for someone once. And won, much to my surprise.
Things went well for a while, but she ended up not treating me well so I ended it. When I ended it she accused me of only dumping her because of her weight.
Not only did I compete for her, but she had ended up having sex with the other guy before we got together. Got pregnant. Told me and I still stayed with her. But I dumped her due to her weight...
 

Susanna

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2013
2,588
70
48
#13
In Texas, when I was a young girl, the boys were the ones competing. I still recall three of them competing for me...sigh...lol...wouldn't happen today...haha
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,401
397
83
#14
In Texas, when I was a young girl, the boys were the ones competing. I still recall three of them competing for me...sigh...lol...wouldn't happen today...haha
That's a load of crap. You probably beating 10 of them off now with a PR-24.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
22,941
1,487
113
63
Florida
#15
When I was younger I competed for a girl with my best friend and won. When I joined the military she ditched me for my friend and eventually they got married. Later, while in the process of divorce my friend said that he was sorry that he stole my girlfriend. I told him that no apology was necessary as he really did me a huge favor by taking her from me. Even though I loss the completion I actually won. Told my friend that I was sorry that she treated him the way that she did but better him than me.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#17
I'm old fashioned enough to say that HE would have to be the one competing :p. But I guess I just don't think that way...I live my life to the fullest Soli Deo Gloria, and attracting a guy is icing on the cake. I won't fight for someone. I'll be myself, and if that is not good enough for them I'm not going to try to bait him with something other than myself.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
2,480
179
63
#18
Most of the time I'm in the situation where the guy has known me before his girlfriend (who has become wife) but for whatever reason hasn't been interested. I'm usually a combination of too cowardly and too kind to ask a friend why they chose someone else instead of me ( an honest answer would probably be painful and I don't really want to put people who care about me in the position of having to say something hurtful to me (and I'd probably wonder if they were telling the real truth anyway)). But I've also never been convinced that any one person is absolutely essential to my happiness and that said person marrying someone else is a horrible tragedy I'll never recover from anyway.

So the only conclusion I can draw from experience and the kinds of things people say that make no sense to me, is someday if I'm very lucky, I may meet another person who seems more like a kind but overly logical robot and we may decide that we get along and benefit each other enough that we should marry at which point we will probably embark upon what people will describe as one of the most platonic marriages ever. If I'm not quite that lucky, maybe AI will take enough of a leap forward that I can buy a robot buddy that's programmed to be the perfect friend and companion for me.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,401
397
83
#19
I'm old fashioned enough to say that HE would have to be the one competing :p. But I guess I just don't think that way...I live my life to the fullest Soli Deo Gloria, and attracting a guy is icing on the cake. I won't fight for someone. I'll be myself, and if that is not good enough for them I'm not going to try to bait him with something other than myself.
Old fashioned.... you've got to be the oldest teenager around. Have you started using blue in your hair yet?

Don't you know? All the girls put on a show these days.
 

Susanna

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2013
2,588
70
48
#20
I'm old fashioned enough to say that HE would have to be the one competing :p. But I guess I just don't think that way...I live my life to the fullest Soli Deo Gloria, and attracting a guy is icing on the cake. I won't fight for someone. I'll be myself, and if that is not good enough for them I'm not going to try to bait him with something other than myself.
Honey, you're absoutely right in thinking he's the one gotta be competing, but sometimes he needs some help on how to be seeing things correctly...that ain't competing...lol...