"You want to hang out?"

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Calmador

Senior Member
Jun 23, 2011
929
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#1
So, I was talking to someone about dating a while ago. We talked about how some guys say "you want to hang out?"

She commented saying that she did not like that men ask her to hang out. I responded by saying, maybe he wants to be friends first, figure you out. She said she still did not like it.

Anyways, that being said, this made me think about how women really do like the guy to be certain. This also reminded me about how another girl I met said she liked it when a guy walked across the room to talk to her and ask her out. I said, but that's rash... he's probably just judging you by the way you look. That's all he's got to judge you by.

Considering these two girls in particular, I'd say their both self-centered. They want a guy that's confident and they read into that as being desirable. They're getting what they want when they come across these kind of men without thinking of the potential problems. Maybe they don't think the potential problems are even problems worth worrying about... who cares if the guy is a "visual" guy... all men are visual and it's okay if the guy bases his approach based off "visual" standards.

Or maybe its a security thing. Sticking to standard routines of dating makes a woman feel secure and going outside of those barriers is weird, awkward, wrong, creepy, and dangerous. Something is wrong with the situation and the man if he's doing it this way. Perhaps, a man who does the hang out approach is automatically labeled as undesirable because like I said before, she's reading into that as "uncertain" not confident... unmanly?

All and all... In the dating world, I think women do want certainty from a man. A man to be sure about her, decisions, maybe everything. I believe it's because women more often than men are uncertain... it's more of a masculine characteristic.

My main issue with this expectation is how women judge what it means when a man is uncertain or more importantly for me, when I or men should be certain.

Thoughts about certainty?

P.S. - I've never used the "you want to hang out" approach before. Don't read between the lines all the time. I'm thinking more about the certainty expectation.
 
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Tinuviel

Guest
#2
For me, it's less about certainty and more about needing to know if this is just a friend, or if he wants to be more than that. I can't spend the time and heartbreak it takes investing myself emotionally in guys who don't make it clear what they are looking for.
 
Dec 16, 2012
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#3
Considering these two girls in particular, I'd say their both self-centered. They want a guy that's confident and they read into that as being desirable.

This is crazy, I totally agree with you. I don't need a man to say that we're 'dating' to know that I'm 'desirable', to employ your word about their thinking. It's got nothing to do with certainty or desirable at all and basic rights and expectations. If I don't know you, we're certainly not about to start 'dating' out of nowhere. I'm going to get to know you first, very slowly on my own time and if it's from God that I'm to take further then I will. However I'm not there to make someone else feel 'desirable' and 'acceptable' by committing to them through dating off the bat. That's just unreasonable and not the way of the Lord.
 

Calmador

Senior Member
Jun 23, 2011
929
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#4
For me, it's less about certainty and more about needing to know if this is just a friend, or if he wants to be more than that. I can't spend the time and heartbreak it takes investing myself emotionally in guys who don't make it clear what they are looking for.
That's fair.

But, I think you should also know WHY he is sure about you.

He could be sure about you because you have a nice body and a pretty face.

He could be sure about you because he's gotten to know you.

Why is he sure about you? I'd think it'd be important for you to know that too.
 
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Tinuviel

Guest
#5
That's fair.

But, I think you should also know WHY he is sure about you.

He could be sure about you because you have a nice body and a pretty face.

He could be sure about you because he's gotten to know you.

Why is he sure about you? I'd think it'd be important for you to know that too.
definitely. And if a random guy walked up and asked me for a date, I'd assume it was just because he thought I looked cute and sorry, that's not a good enough reason for me to go out with you.
 

Calmador

Senior Member
Jun 23, 2011
929
13
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#6

This is crazy, I totally agree with you. I don't need a man to say that we're 'dating' to know that I'm 'desirable', to employ your word about their thinking. It's got nothing to do with certainty or desirable at all and basic rights and expectations. If I don't know you, we're certainly not about to start 'dating' out of nowhere. I'm going to get to know you first, very slowly on my own time and if it's from God that I'm to take further then I will. However I'm not there to make someone else feel 'desirable' and 'acceptable' by committing to them through dating off the bat. That's just unreasonable and not the way of the Lord.
I think you misunderstood me a bit.


"I don't need a man to say that we're 'dating' to know that I'm 'desirable', to employ your word about their thinking."

I think your looking at this from a perspective where you yourself determine that your desirable. I was not saying that. I was saying that some women think men who don't say they're dating find him awkward or do not like it.


"However I'm not there to make someone else feel 'desirable' and 'acceptable' by committing to them through dating off the bat."

I meant when the guy approaches... not you, women. Usually, men approach women. But, I guess women could approach men. I'm personally not a fan of it.
 
Dec 16, 2012
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#7
I think you misunderstood me a bit.


"I don't need a man to say that we're 'dating' to know that I'm 'desirable', to employ your word about their thinking."

I think your looking at this from a perspective where you yourself determine that your desirable. I was not saying that. I was saying that some women think men who don't say they're dating find him awkward or do not like it.


"However I'm not there to make someone else feel 'desirable' and 'acceptable' by committing to them through dating off the bat."

I meant when the guy approaches... not you, women. Usually, men approach women. But, I guess women could approach men. I'm personally not a fan of it.

Regardless, the premise of the argument still stands. There's nothing in the world wrong with a woman approaching man.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,437
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#8
When did asking a woman for a date become a difficult thing. Why question the motives? Who cares? Why do you need to know someone well to accept a date? This is what a date is for. A date isn't an obligation to marriage of financing a house. It's a date. Thats how you learn more about someone. You don't have to see each other again afterwards. Or has the word date evolved to mean something else.
 

Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
1,622
75
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#9
No I would prefer a man wanted to hang out rather than him asking me out on a formal date.

It just puts too much pressure on both parties. If something has to come out of it, it can happen organically. If not, maybe you can even gain a friend. That's my thoughts about dating someone.

I don't need a man to ask me out on a date so I can ascertain his intentions.

I would rather define my bottom lines and be very clear about what cannot be crossed because I am not there to put my infallible trust in anyone.
It's life - anything can happen and there isn't a guarantee for anything.

If I really wanted to look for surety in a relationship I would rather he put a ring on it. I am not every woman, so I can't speak for everyone, but I don't really care about a guy appearing certain right at the beginning of a relationship.

I am quite confident about my own self and at the moment I have way too many problems in my life to really care about some dude being wishy-washy about me.

I would rather be secure in my own self than put all my eggs in one basket.
If he's not committed to me, I'll just date another man.

If he asks me to hang out doesn't mean he's being undesirable or lacking commitment. Goodness, he's just being a modern normal human being.
 
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tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,045
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Florida
#10
I think that you're over analyzing the dating process. I do believe that asking a woman to 'hang out' is very tentative on the guy's part and shows a fear of rejection and a lack of confidence.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,045
1,577
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Florida
#11
Personally, I wouldn't waste my time dating a woman that I wouldn't consider marrying. So of course, I would have to know quite a few things about her before asking her out on a date or in the case of an online romance, agreeing to physically meet her.
 

Calmador

Senior Member
Jun 23, 2011
929
13
18
#12
When did asking a woman for a date become a difficult thing. Why question the motives? Who cares? Why do you need to know someone well to accept a date? This is what a date is for. A date isn't an obligation to marriage of financing a house. It's a date. Thats how you learn more about someone. You don't have to see each other again afterwards. Or has the word date evolved to mean something else.
I think your being naive. There are bad guys out there that all women should not accept a date from...

Because there are players out there?]Women have every right and good judgement to say NO to certain guys. That's common knowledge, common sense. Sometimes the woman knows a guy well enough to say No to him asking her out for a date. Something as simple as a man making sexual comments about the woman should be a red flag.
 

Susanna

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2013
2,588
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#13
The world has gone crazy. My mother told me that when she was young men were whistling and complimenting the girls all the time.

When I was young they still had some courage, but today they are frowned upon if they are being straigthforward with a girl.

They are being turned into kitties. Yawn.

Sure gonna scare un out of his britches...
 
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Calmador

Senior Member
Jun 23, 2011
929
13
18
#14
Personally, I wouldn't waste my time dating a woman that I wouldn't consider marrying. So of course, I would have to know quite a few things about her before asking her out on a date or in the case of an online romance, agreeing to physically meet her.
You'd have to get to know her before recognizing she'd be a woman you'd want to marry. Frankly, as you admitted it, I could see you saying "you wanna hang out" for that very purpose.... to get to know "quite a few things about her before asking her out on a date " (your words).

You said this line (you wanna hang out) shows fear of rejection. I think it can only LOOK like fear of rejection when the guy could just be investigating strictly.

This is the whole point. I large part of this is communication and interpenetration. That's what's fundamentally important and that's the worthwhile thing to take out of this whole thread.
 

Calmador

Senior Member
Jun 23, 2011
929
13
18
#15
The world has gone crazy. My mother told me that when she was young men were whistling and complimenting the girls all the time.

When I was young they still had some courage, but today they are frowned upon if they are being straigthforward with a girl.

They are being turned into kitties. Yawn.

Sure gonna scare un out of his britches...
A guy who thinks of sex alone can be straightforward.... In fact, I remember talking to a guy just like that. He told me he's slept with 60 women. He said and I quote, "I don't know how I did it but I muster up the courage to walk up to these women" and talk to them.

With all do respect, your being naive about this.

Back in your day... in your mom's day... my day... men whistling at women is not proper or Godly.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,437
416
83
#16
I think your being naive. There are bad guys out there that all women should not accept a date from...

Because there are players out there?]Women have every right and good judgement to say NO to certain guys. That's common knowledge, common sense. Sometimes the woman knows a guy well enough to say No to him asking her out for a date. Something as simple as a man making sexual comments about the woman should be a red flag.
You might think I'm being naive, but I would like to know exactly what your response to my post has to do with what I wrote. You make absolutely no sense in regard to what I wrote. I can only hope, you accidentally responded to the wrong post. No where in my post did I write that a woman couldn't decline an invitation for a date. I was lamenting over how some have turned a simple date into hassle. I also questioned if a date means something else now than it did 20 years ago.
 

Susanna

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2013
2,588
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#17
A guy who thinks of sex alone can be straightforward.... In fact, I remember talking to a guy just like that. He told me he's slept with 60 women. He said and I quote, "I don't know how I did it but I muster up the courage to walk up to these women" and talk to them.

With all do respect, your being naive about this.

Back in your day... in your mom's day... my day... men whistling at women is not proper or Godly.
Well, that must be because I'm not very smart. Ha ha.
 

spunkycat08

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
400
2
0
#18
I think you misunderstood me a bit.


"I don't need a man to say that we're 'dating' to know that I'm 'desirable', to employ your word about their thinking."

I think your looking at this from a perspective where you yourself determine that your desirable. I was not saying that. I was saying that some women think men who don't say they're dating find him awkward or do not like it.


"However I'm not there to make someone else feel 'desirable' and 'acceptable' by committing to them through dating off the bat."

I meant when the guy approaches... not you, women. Usually, men approach women. But, I guess women could approach men. I'm personally not a fan of it.
So what about the opposite.. meaning when a girl asks a guy to hang out?
Especially when she wants to date him, but she never lets him know this.
And she continues to ask him to hang out with her, hoping that he will get the message without her telling him that she wants to date him?
 
Feb 5, 2017
1,119
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#19
I hang out all the time, it's called Google+ Hangouts. lol
 
M

MollyConnor

Guest
#20
Maybe these girls see it as he doesn't have the confidence to ask her out on a date....so he takes the cop out and asks them to "hang out."
Girls want a guy that's confident because...well you know...he kinda has to lead the whole family. :rolleyes:

Calmador, I wouldn't read too much into it. If you have confidence issues, work on yourself.