Anniversary of my parents death

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LewisSantola

Junior Member
Nov 13, 2016
3
1
0
#1
Today is the day that my parents passed. (This is pretty intense but I want to get this off my chest so don't read if you aren't good with these type of things). My Mum killed herself when I was 5 because she didn't know how else to escape from my father. A year later he locked us in my bedroom and after a while he killed himself as well. Today is so difficult. The rest of the world just moves on like nothings but they have no reason to be angry. Sometimes I wish that my Mum had took me with her to Heaven. Every counsellor and therapist I've been to have told me that it's okay it'll heal with time but that's a lie. It was comforting to begin with but its so overused and every year I look back and I regret so much. If my Mother could see me now I don't know what she'd think. I never told her I love her I hope she knows I do. I've got to go to school in a few hours usually they let me have the day off but they wouldn't let me this time. I probably shouldn't even post this its just emotional nonsense. I hope everyone else has a better day today and be happy. God Bless.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
23,391
1,346
113
#2
Such deep feelings of loss for your parents due to violence is not emotional nonsense.
You were deeply traumatised, and the trauma has not healed, in fact, may never fully
heal. This is who you are, not that you did those things, but these are the circumstances
of your youth, and they will not change. What can change is your attitude towards it.

Surely your mother knew you loved her. I was also raised in a family where the
words were never said. It is a loss to be sure. But there are so many ways you
can give honor to your parents by acknowledging your love for them this day.

For sure, allow yourself to feel the full depth of pain at their loss. However, do
not allow that pain to overtake your will to live and have joy in your life.

And joy you shall have. You need not feel guilty because they are no longer
here with you to share that joy with you. You will not always feel anger at
being robbed as you were, of both your parents. You can survive this
because you have an inner witness that is the Christ living in you. Draw
strength and courage from Him. Lean on Him. Cry to Him. Allow Him
to comfort you. Do you know how? He draws near to the broken hearted.

Seek Him in your pain and loss. He is there. He has suffered so much more.
I don't say that to make you feel bad, but to help you realize He will understand
no matter what you bring to Him. He longs for you to turn to Him. Turn.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,697
658
113
#3
This isn't emotional nonsense. Losing one parent is tough. Losing one to suicide is worse. But losing both to two separate suicides, especially at such a young age, i'm sure would be a very difficult to deal with and have lifelong affects on a person.

Time does heal, but there's a catch often not mentioned. That you have to make an active effort. You can't expect to just let it heal. It's good you're in counseling, and i'm sure, after a while, it all seems very trite and repetitious. Have you been with the same person for a long time? If so they may have become stagnant and accustomed to you. A natural problem any human could have. If you've been with the same one for a while, perhaps you can look into trying to switch to someone new. They will have different ideas, a new perspective.
People use, and overuse, statements when they are at a loss of what else to say. This can happen when a person is stuck in a rut and not getting themselves out. You are that person. You likely cling on to the same ideas and beliefs that you've had for years now. Deciding what is and isn't right, or helpful. The problem with that thinking is it's often going to prohibit you from growth and healing.
If there is a point your counselor keeps making, but you keep denying or refusing, then perhaps trying going along with them instead of fighting them.

I lost my mom to illness when i was 21. Even at that age i still have regrets.

And lastly we can't leave out God. God desires to see you heal from this. He wants to see you move forward and start living your life, now, not in the past.

Hopefully something here helps. I'm sorry for all you're going through. Just remember that sometimes the reason we stop growing and healing is US, not things outside of us.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#5
Today is the day that my parents passed. (This is pretty intense but I want to get this off my chest so don't read if you aren't good with these type of things). My Mum killed herself when I was 5 because she didn't know how else to escape from my father. A year later he locked us in my bedroom and after a while he killed himself as well. Today is so difficult. The rest of the world just moves on like nothings but they have no reason to be angry. Sometimes I wish that my Mum had took me with her to Heaven. Every counsellor and therapist I've been to have told me that it's okay it'll heal with time but that's a lie. It was comforting to begin with but its so overused and every year I look back and I regret so much. If my Mother could see me now I don't know what she'd think. I never told her I love her I hope she knows I do. I've got to go to school in a few hours usually they let me have the day off but they wouldn't let me this time. I probably shouldn't even post this its just emotional nonsense. I hope everyone else has a better day today and be happy. God Bless.
Lewis, this is NOT emotional nonsense. If anyone has ever told you that they are wrong. God made us to love and to have emotions, and those emotions are good and right. Sometimes it is what we do with them that can lead us into problems. I can only imagine what you're going through (I am so sorry!) but I know in my times of intense pain, it has always helped me to find others that are hurting and reach out to them. God made us to work together. Maybe you can find someone to show His love to?
 

notmyown

Senior Member
May 26, 2016
3,430
255
0
#6
Lewis, i am a mum, and i want to assure you there are things mothers know without being told.

that our 5 year olds love us is one of those things. she knew, i am certain she knew, you love her.

i will be in prayer for you. grace and peace to you from God our Father and our Lord Jesus Christ.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#7
Time does heal. It doesn't make the scar stop hurting while it's healing. AND it doesn't mean there won't be scars. It doesn't even necessarily mean the scar will be pain-free for the rest of our lives. You've got one whopper of a scar! Let it take as long as it takes to heal.

I got a contusion on my left hand in a car accident in the late 1990's. The first few days it hurt constantly. Then it hurt less. Then the splint came off. Then it hurt every winter. Now it hurts if it's bitter cold and cloudy out. It healed!

You've healed. Look at who you were back then. Look who you are now. You have healed. It doesn't hurt every moment of every day, but, DANG! When the hurt hits, it sure does hurt, doesn't it? It's not as deep as it used to be, but it's still deep. You can write an entire post about it now. I bet there was a time you couldn't do that too. You ARE healing!

There will always be a big scar there. January 11th will always hold a tender part in your heart. You make it through every January 11th since. AND it is easier. There is reason you went to school yesterday. To prove to yourself you can do that. You can go on with your life. You are not them. They are a part of who you are though. You'll get that a little more as you go on life. You'll never get it all in this life.

Mom died of cancer when I was your age. I can see the 65 pound woman she was the last time I saw her in vivid details, including the horror on her face that I came when she made it clear we could not see her anymore. I could literally see the cancer all over her body, but her eyes were still Mom's-eyes. And that's what I hold onto even though...

I never told her I loved her that day. Didn't have to. She already knew. So did your mom. You will know this one day. You will know love and then realize it is love in ways not related to the words.

Your dad loved you too. His actions spoke of it at the last minute. He locked you away so you weren't there at his worst moment either.

Obviously, your parents were seriously flawed. Even there, there was a capacity to love as good as they could. That's part of the scar healing in you. It's mixed up, yet this is the life you were given. It is life. Life is a good thing. Sometimes the best we can do is notice those precious moments when the scar doesn't hurt. That too is healing.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
5,575
384
83
Germany
#8
Reading your post brings me to remember my pain that I have through many things from my life. Its nowhere nonsense.. its what makes us human. When something drastic like deaths happen it hurts..and it keeps hurting.. I want you to see something clearly brother. You are in a situation no one deserves.
You carry something that many people cannot even relate to (incl. me..been through a lot but imagining your pain is horror for me) and you dont just need a therapist. You need God and people who love you and care for you who you can bond to. Your missing 2 of the most important people that live in a persons life and you are pretty much forced to live and learn by yourself...as no one can really take the place in a persons life and heart like parents. Wounds can heal but when weather change comes, so comes the pain.
To be honest.. it humbles me to see you come here..and it also makes me proud of you that you got yourself together and made a thread talking to us. I am proud that you face this mountain over and over and arent afraid to talk and let us see a part of you that people here most likely never thought there would be. I love you brother and I pray that some day you will inspire many people and help others through your testimony, who have been through the same as you (or going through)
It takes a lot of guts to come into a Forum where you dont know anyone, and share something like that. It shows me you want to be free and that you are fighting the good fight.
God bless you brother and I will definitely be praying for your healing and that you will get better. God bless!! Thanks for posting!
 
May 29, 2016
4,856
108
0
#9
Today is the day that my parents passed. (This is pretty intense but I want to get this off my chest so don't read if you aren't good with these type of things). My Mum killed herself when I was 5 because she didn't know how else to escape from my father. A year later he locked us in my bedroom and after a while he killed himself as well. Today is so difficult. The rest of the world just moves on like nothings but they have no reason to be angry. Sometimes I wish that my Mum had took me with her to Heaven. Every counsellor and therapist I've been to have told me that it's okay it'll heal with time but that's a lie. It was comforting to begin with but its so overused and every year I look back and I regret so much. If my Mother could see me now I don't know what she'd think. I never told her I love her I hope she knows I do. I've got to go to school in a few hours usually they let me have the day off but they wouldn't let me this time. I probably shouldn't even post this its just emotional nonsense. I hope everyone else has a better day today and be happy. God Bless.

This is NOT emotional nonsense.
I remember when it was exactly a year after my friend ended her life and I thought the exact same thing "everyone goes on like today is just a regular day, but the earth has stopped spinning for me, what do I do?"

It's not easy,
And let me tell you,
I've been through some pretty awful stuff in my life, but just thinking about what you have gone through just makes my heart ache for you.

These wounds never heal. The pain will always be there, but with time it isn't always so present. I promise. I wouldn't lie to you about this. I've lost many people. And it hurts. A lot. Each and every person I've lost, especially to suicide affect my daily, and blame it on not "going through the grieving process" or whatever you want to.

Excuse my language but
Bull crap.
When you go through something like you did, the pain never heals, but it does get better.
I understand. But it's one day after it now, you've made it this far. Congratulations
 

Desertsrose

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2016
2,803
186
63
#10

Hi Lewis, It's great that you came here to get this off your chest. If this helps you to work through your grief it's a good thing. You've sure had a tough road at a very young age. My heart goes out to you.

Others have already said so many good things and have given great advice. As you can see there are other young people on here that have been through a difficult time as well. We're all broken, we've all got scars and broken heart, broken dreams.

But you can make it and I'm sure you will make it with the love of God and the love of His family, your family - brothers and sisters in the Lord.

I hope you're in a good church.

And you have a wonderful personality and spirit that comes through in your words. God bless you abundantly!

Image 1-3-17 at 8.56 PM (1).jpg

 

notmyown

Senior Member
May 26, 2016
3,430
255
0
#11
This is NOT emotional nonsense.
I remember when it was exactly a year after my friend ended her life and I thought the exact same thing "everyone goes on like today is just a regular day, but the earth has stopped spinning for me, what do I do?"

It's not easy,
And let me tell you,
I've been through some pretty awful stuff in my life, but just thinking about what you have gone through just makes my heart ache for you.

These wounds never heal. The pain will always be there, but with time it isn't always so present. I promise. I wouldn't lie to you about this. I've lost many people. And it hurts. A lot. Each and every person I've lost, especially to suicide affect my daily, and blame it on not "going through the grieving process" or whatever you want to.

Excuse my language but
Bull crap.
When you go through something like you did, the pain never heals, but it does get better.
I understand. But it's one day after it now, you've made it this far. Congratulations

Natania, little love,

i think you'll find the Lord can and will heal the wounds.

the scars they leave behind, as Rose wisely pointed out, remain.

i believe the Lord leaves those scars to remind us how He loved us through the terrible times.
to remind us to offer comfort to others, which you do so well. ♥
after all, His scars will be visible to us throughout eternity. to remind us how He loves us.

i love you, and pray for your wounds. thank you for being such an example to me. :)
 
May 29, 2016
4,856
108
0
#12
Natania, little love,

i think you'll find the Lord can and will heal the wounds.

the scars they leave behind, as Rose wisely pointed out, remain.

i believe the Lord leaves those scars to remind us how He loved us through the terrible times.
to remind us to offer comfort to others, which you do so well. ♥
after all, His scars will be visible to us throughout eternity. to remind us how He loves us.

i love you, and pray for your wounds. thank you for being such an example to me. :)

Which I why I said the pain fades with time, but there will always be something there from something like that. May it be a scar or not.

Thank you so much,
What you said made my morning
 

WineRose

Senior Member
Jan 3, 2017
3,549
217
63
16
Row A, Column 9
#13
That doesn't sound like nonsense to me.

Emotions and memories can be a jerk sometimes, I know. What I have gone through does not compare to yours in the slightest, but all I can really say is just hang in there. This too shall pass.
 
Nov 14, 2016
4
0
0
#14
Sharing your feelings can help you work through them and this is a safe place to share. Remembering the loss of your parents is difficult and you'll always miss them. I try to remember the things I loved about my Mom and Dad, because there will always be a void. You are loved.
 
Jan 15, 2017
10
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#15
“Hi Lewis, from what you shared, I can get a sense of your grief, and the heaviness of the hurt and confusion in your heart over this very tragic thing that has happened in your life. I’m not all that convinced that time is the antidote to all our pains as well. I can imagine that with the suicide of both parents at such an early age there was a lot of unanswered questions and maybe even guilt and or anger that you may be struggling with. I am wondering what type of counseling you had. Was it just grief counseling, and are you in any type of ongoing counseling and support now? If you aren’t, that is definitely something I encourage. It definitely sound like there is still some very open wounds there and you definitely don’t want to ignore them. I want to share some resources that I think will help. Suicide grief is different kind of grief. There is a great book written that I think can help you journey through it. You can find it on Amazon at this link http://amzn.to/2iY9s5h It’s written by Albert Y HSU and it’s called Grieving a Suicide. Here’s another link to a great article that gives great tools to help loved ones heal from Suicide After the Fact: Healing from a Friend’s Suicide | Boundless I hope the links I shared will help. I would love to hear more from you. You are in my prayers. “
 

sherlock221b

Junior Member
Sep 29, 2017
5
0
0
#16
Hey. I know how you feel. I've been there. My biological parents have never raised me. My biological father's half-sister raised me from the time I was born to when she died in 2008. I called her mom. She died of heart disease, which she wouldn't have had if her mom took her to the hospital when my mom got the flu as a baby. Then my great Aunt Jo, who I call mom now, adopted me when I was 9. But it was like living in my own little world war. My biological parents were trying to get me back, but they couldn't because their rights were terminated when my first mom adopted me, which was when I was 4. I still think about my first mom every year on July 5th, which is the day she died. I never got to say good bye which I am still mad about. But this year, I'm missing some else who was important to me, my grammy, who died May 4th, 2017. So I know what it's like to live in absoulte hell. It feels like your living in your own world war 3, but no one else seems to notice as the years go by.