Dealing with Conflict

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Jun 14, 2016
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#1
I really really dislike conflict. Even to the point where I become passive and walk in a go-with-the-flow attitude. I can be content in those circumstances because there's no push-back; there's agreement and unity. I understand this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can definitely easily turn into a bad thing.

In being this way, I really think I've robbed myself from learning how to deal with conflict in a healthy manner.

How do you guys deal with conflict?
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,074
890
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#2
It's a bit of a broad question. Conflict can be anything from a small argument with a friend to violence or someone taking advantage of you.
Is your primary issue remaining silent to avoid an argument? Or do you let people walk all over you and you don't stand up for yourself?
What is it about conflict that deters you? The potential outcome? Is it people pleasing? Fear?
Theres a lot of variables so knowing more precisely what kind of conflict problems you're regularly dealing with, and why you feel that way, will determine what sort of advice works.
 
Jun 14, 2016
152
97
28
#4
It's a bit of a broad question. Conflict can be anything from a small argument with a friend to violence or someone taking advantage of you.
Is your primary issue remaining silent to avoid an argument? Or do you let people walk all over you and you don't stand up for yourself?
What is it about conflict that deters you? The potential outcome? Is it people pleasing? Fear?
Theres a lot of variables so knowing more precisely what kind of conflict problems you're regularly dealing with, and why you feel that way, will determine what sort of advice works.
Sometimes I’ll remain silent to avoid an argument, yes.

Sometimes I let people walk over me, yeah. I have a hard time saying no at times, but I’m getting better at it.

The thing I like least about conflict is it generates strife, or at least it seems to. It makes me feel a certain way that I don’t like.
I would say it is somewhat people pleasing, yeah. Fear, probably too. Potential outcome. They’re all factors >.< lol

I don’t like shaking things up really. Conflict just kinda gets to me, even if it is something like a simple disagreement.

I want to be able to deal with it healthily. But I suppose it’ll take some trying and failing to do so. Learning by experience.
 

Miri

The Thingy Member
Jul 22, 2012
8,979
1,919
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UK age 50
#5
Firstly, I would say learn to chose your battles, some things are just not
worth bothering over.

When it is something worth bothering over, just practice little phrases like

No.
I don’t really agree with that.
That’s not something I want to do.
I think there is another way of dealing with this.

Etc etc.

Practice saying them until they become second nature and then try them
out when the need arises. You don’t have to come across as nasty or
belligerent. It’s just you giving an opinion. People won’t hate you
for it, instead they will have more respect for you.
 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
101
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#6
Aephus, when you face a potential conflict and then concede to the other person in order to avoid it, are you usually satisfied with the outcome or unsatisfied with it?
 

Poinsetta

Well-known member
Nov 24, 2018
1,522
956
113
#7
Aephus, when you face a potential conflict and then concede to the other person in order to avoid it, are you usually satisfied with the outcome or unsatisfied with it?
Satisfied.
 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
101
63
#8
So then my next question would be what bothers you about the way you are handling conflict?

For me, I have always had the tendency to do the same as you and concede to the other person so that I actually avoid the conflict. What I began to realize, though, was that I would habitually put my own needs on the backburner just to avoid conflict, but then I would be unhappy that my needs weren't met, so I was actually unsatisfied with the outcome. So I had to intentionally begin to make my thoughts and feelings known if I really did strongly feel a certain way about something. It is ultimately up to us to set our own boundaries, and sometimes it does cause conflict if people don't want to respect them, but if we don't have firm, healthy boundaries set up then we are not living our lives to their healthiest. There is a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud that I found tremendously helpful on this whole topic and would highly recommend it.

But with that said, if you are satisfied and fine with just avoiding conflict altogether, you can always just keep doing what you are doing. If you find yourself bothered by feeling like a doormat, though, then it might be time for change. And as far as the conflict itself goes, communication is super important. It is important that both sides be able to express their feelings about the situation if you have any hope of resolving the conflict. And obviously having patience and humility in the situation is helpful too. The key is to remember that your feelings are important and from there you have to discern what is causing them and whether your feelings are coming from a healthy place or not.
 

Poinsetta

Well-known member
Nov 24, 2018
1,522
956
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#9
My pastor told us to walk away and avoid the mad person.
 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
101
63
#10
My pastor told us to walk away and avoid the mad person.
Ahh okay. Hmm...I am not so sure about that. That means if a person wants to end the conversation with you, all they have to do is get mad. People will use anger as a ploy to push your boundaries, so walking away may or may not help depending on the situation.
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
2,998
3,379
113
#11
Wow, such a good question. First let me confess...

I can relate to this. I have been guilty of being so gosh darn agreeable that it seems I am sychophanting (ppl pleasing) everyone, with no backbone or solid opinions of my own. I always go in looking to find what's right with folks and things, as well as seek to keep peace and find resolution. Sometimes, though, there is no problem, lol. My desire to fix things and be super sincerely kind to all (a quality, the kind part that is, I like in me) has caused, at times, a big pile of chaos and some harsh and painful rejection and I didn't know why. What I was causing most, was conflict within my inner dwellings. Time, (I am a grandma) and much mercy and patience extended from Him and my loves has helped me to grow. He can help you too.

I shared all that to say this. I get it, I am not a fan of confrontation either. I am learning though, through Him, that opposition is not always bad, that He, Himself, uses it to mold and grow us. So like some here said, choose your battles, choose your approach, and choose to lead with Him in mind. I think that in order to really learn ourselves and trust the sustainability in relationships, we have to be willing to develop our own sincere mindsets, then show the core of who we are and where we stand. Those who accept you, even when you disagree with them, they are a gift from God. Hopefully, you, yourself are amongst the ones who accept you.

I need to wrap this up, sorry for being so wordy, but one more thing. You sound like a sweet person, who appreciates harmony. I think that is beautiful, but if your quest for zero conflict causes yourself some inner turbulence, take a deep breath and know He has you, and loves you very much. I think it is a good thing to use a loving and mindful approach, but like it or not, life and interaction comes with occasional opposition.

I guess it comes down to balance. Pray about it, keep getting in the word. Peacemakers are a blessing but it has to be out of sincere love for Him and others, not out of a perfectionist or ppl pleasing mindset.


Loving hugs...