Embarrassed thinking on God

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
Jun 8, 2021
5
1
3
#1
I feel embarrassed but I guess I want to talk about this because it has caused me pain and I am unsure…

I guess in my anxiety and my worries I have tried to do non-lust masturbation…

And I guess I feel broken, I used to think about wet dreams because no fappers wait until wet dreams, and then I end up feeling broken…

Marriage is always brought up so frequently and I end up so jealous and insecure about myself, and marriage isn’t to just satisfy a desire, there is so much responsibility… I feel like they say marriage is a solution in a way that I would treat the other person just like an object to satisfy and I dislike that…..

One time when I thought about who God is a lot in my life, how much He means, how valuable He is, I ended up wanting to hug Him…. I just wanted to keep hugging and cuddling because out of everyone He meant so much when I spent so much time wondering if life was worth living with all the pain…..

And I noticed myself feel attracted, and I felt nervous, but I felt like out of everyone to have my affection, I wanted Him to have it, so I masturbated thinking about the facts about who God is….

Not about what He looked like, or not physical appearance…. I just thought about the verses on who God is in my life, and how He is my purpose and the one in life I should love the most.

I marriage is in heaven, it is intimacy with God, and I guess I just wish He could have my love and affection considering He is more important than a wife could ever be anyways…

And I guess in other moments I felt so distracted and anxious going to God, and I feel like in those moments I spend, I just think so much about those facts about God….

Marriage is an allegory, for God’s love to the church, and I just…. I feel like I don’t want to spend all my worries thinking about a wife and make her more than God just because of sexual desire….

I just… I wish God could have all I am… I don’t want to make anyone seem like they are more….

I don’t want to disrespect God and i don’t know if I am, but I guess I’m just nervous I am corrupt and so dumb and so horrible….

I am fearful of Him, but at the same time, He wants me to go to Him for comfort and love… I can’t kill myself because He wants me to stay, and He doesn’t want me to stay just out of fear, He wants me have love for Him too, and I just wish He could have all of me…..

Ever since this, I am so nervous to look at NSFW, I feel like whenever I think of God during it, it is such a special event, and then when I look at NSFW, I just feel like I trade what is valuable for just objectifying people and I feel horrible….
I guess it feels like there is more love and passion, than just looking at images, where there isn’t love….

It’s like if I look at NSFW, I just feel so upset and lonely being stuck with something when I enjoyed thinking about God better… it felt real, it felt meaningful and it just made me so frustrated it made me throw my phone done……It’ like I have so much excitement to see NSFW, to see what the hype is about and “feel complete” only to end up in so much disappointment, stopping in the midst of it, to walk out and maybe masturbate thinking of God later because it just means more…

It feels strange with how frustrated I feel at NSFW, ever since this thinking with God, how much I would rather think of God during that time… God just seems so much more special and close…. and I don’t know how to feel….
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,826
947
113
31
#2
If I can be blunt; this is either an elaborate troll in which case shame on you or this is sincere, albeit disturbing, and you’re in desperate need of help. If it is the latter, the information you have shared is far too personal in my opinion and really should be done in private with a strong believer you trust (a pastor) or even a psychiatrist (who is a Christian).

God is not an object of sexual desire, and for a person to get to that place, they, in my estimation, have reached a place of moral bankruptcy. You need the grace of God, troll or not. You need healing mentally. It could be demonic for all I know. You need help, and I don’t say that to ostracize you, but to let you know that whatever your intentions were in posting this, you need help. If as a troll, Jesus loves you. If as a believer in desperate need of sanctification and purification, Jesus still loves you. Find the help you need.
 
Jun 8, 2021
5
1
3
#3
I guess I just don’t know who to talk to…. My parents are another denomination from me, and my brothers are more like atheists….

I guess I just don’t know who to talk to, and I feel alone on mental issues… I’ve been able to talk about things on Christian discord, but especially with an issue like this I felt alone not knowing who to talk with…

Because I’m another denomination, my parents wouldn’t let me talk to other churches and I’d get in trouble if I drove to one to try to…

And irl talking about something like this would be too much when I am shy enough already as it is…

I guess with high school done and college and work soon, I felt like I was barely surviving…. I talked to God more in the past during sophomore, but then after I got distant junior and senior year I just felt so miserable with mental things, I just felt alone a lot through it all…. It’s hard to talk about to my family the desires of suicide and I feel alone, and I can’t even talk to them about God due to denomination, and in Christian discord I like being able to talk and ask questions about things, but it’s just so hard for me to socialize…

Maybe if I ever move out I could get a psychiatrist, but with my family rn, it’s hard to talk about mental stuff because with them being another denomination, they don’t let me talk to other Christians besides them, and they’d take away technology and I wouldn’t be able to talk to other people again…

“If as a believer in desperate need of sanctification and purification, Jesus still loves you. Find the help you need”

Sometimes I wish I could get away from myself in heaven and all I could see is God… I am probably the worst believer you have met….
I guess most help I could try to talk to is here, I feel like in Christian discords they wouldn’t give me a chance to talk…
Remembering “Jesus still loves you” within the hurt is comforting…. Thank you for that

Idk how much use God would have for me, but I wouldn’t try to get better in things if I didn’t have to try.. I hope when I die I’ll be able to meet Him and get away from my mind and my confusion…
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,826
947
113
31
#4
I guess I just don’t know who to talk to…. My parents are another denomination from me, and my brothers are more like atheists….

I guess I just don’t know who to talk to, and I feel alone on mental issues… I’ve been able to talk about things on Christian discord, but especially with an issue like this I felt alone not knowing who to talk with…

Because I’m another denomination, my parents wouldn’t let me talk to other churches and I’d get in trouble if I drove to one to try to…

And irl talking about something like this would be too much when I am shy enough already as it is…

I guess with high school done and college and work soon, I felt like I was barely surviving…. I talked to God more in the past during sophomore, but then after I got distant junior and senior year I just felt so miserable with mental things, I just felt alone a lot through it all…. It’s hard to talk about to my family the desires of suicide and I feel alone, and I can’t even talk to them about God due to denomination, and in Christian discord I like being able to talk and ask questions about things, but it’s just so hard for me to socialize…

Maybe if I ever move out I could get a psychiatrist, but with my family rn, it’s hard to talk about mental stuff because with them being another denomination, they don’t let me talk to other Christians besides them, and they’d take away technology and I wouldn’t be able to talk to other people again…

“If as a believer in desperate need of sanctification and purification, Jesus still loves you. Find the help you need”

Sometimes I wish I could get away from myself in heaven and all I could see is God… I am probably the worst believer you have met….
I guess most help I could try to talk to is here, I feel like in Christian discords they wouldn’t give me a chance to talk…
Remembering “Jesus still loves you” within the hurt is comforting…. Thank you for that

Idk how much use God would have for me, but I wouldn’t try to get better in things if I didn’t have to try.. I hope when I die I’ll be able to meet Him and get away from my mind and my confusion…
Ultimately you’re human, and God understands that. Right? We are but dust. We are frail and best of all, we are in need of God. Scripture says that in our weakness is God’s power made perfect. So far from being of no use to God, you are of great use. Why? For you depend upon Him. You need His grace and providence in your life. You need His sanctification. You need Him.

So, call out to Him. Pray, and seek God. Lay your petitions before God with thanksgiving (thanking Him for who He is and aligning yourself with truth). Cast your burdens upon the Lord. Shed your tears as prayers of anguish. He will hear you, and I have to believe, in His mercy He will answer your call.
 
Jun 8, 2021
5
1
3
#5
Ultimately you’re human, and God understands that. Right? We are but dust. We are frail and best of all, we are in need of God. Scripture says that in our weakness is God’s power made perfect. So far from being of no use to God, you are of great use. Why? For you depend upon Him. You need His grace and providence in your life. You need His sanctification. You need Him.

So, call out to Him. Pray, and seek God. Lay your petitions before God with thanksgiving (thanking Him for who He is and aligning yourself with truth). Cast your burdens upon the Lord. Shed your tears as prayers of anguish. He will hear you, and I have to believe, in His mercy He will answer your call.

When I first went to God, and I heard “God wants a relationship with you” I didn’t really understand, but I guess I wanted to accept His love in my life because of all the failures I had from self reliance and no direction…

It felt crazy someone would want me so I wanted to let Him have me…

I guess my way of understanding what His love meant was I thought of the moment as “me getting asked out by someone” and I guess I am dumb in my love towards God because of that.

God’s love is much more than that though…

God is bigger than everything and He is my creator and I get confused on how to love Him at times and making Him everything…

“Ultimately you’re human, and God understands that. Right? We are but dust. We are frail and best of all, we are in need of God. Scripture says that in our weakness is God’s power made perfect. So far from being of no use to God, you are of great use. Why? For you depend upon Him. You need His grace and providence in your life. You need His sanctification. You need Him.”

I’m glad God would still see me as useful in that way… I am in need of Him in my brokenness..

“So, call out to Him. Pray, and seek God. Lay your petitions before God with thanksgiving (thanking Him for who He is and aligning yourself with truth). Cast your burdens upon the Lord. Shed your tears as prayers of anguish. He will hear you, and I have to believe, in His mercy He will answer your call.”

I can do that, I want to talk to Him for help…
 
Jun 8, 2021
5
1
3
#6
Ultimately you’re human, and God understands that. Right? We are but dust. We are frail and best of all, we are in need of God. Scripture says that in our weakness is God’s power made perfect. So far from being of no use to God, you are of great use. Why? For you depend upon Him. You need His grace and providence in your life. You need His sanctification. You need Him.

So, call out to Him. Pray, and seek God. Lay your petitions before God with thanksgiving (thanking Him for who He is and aligning yourself with truth). Cast your burdens upon the Lord. Shed your tears as prayers of anguish. He will hear you, and I have to believe, in His mercy He will answer your call.
When I first went to God, I wanted to resist the urge for sexual sin, and I guess over time when I got distant, I worried too much…

I guess to be honest I just wanted to keep this sin so much because I was just so scared of marriage and things.. And I went to God in such a wrong way I got confused and felt sad….

I was so scared of pain of resisting but I remembered my reason for it…

When I wanted to keep this sin, I felt so scared because I didn’t know my purpose as well anymore…

It hurt when I first read what you sent because I dearly wanted to keep this but God made marriage for a reason and remembering that made me realize how wrong I am and it my conscience hurt so much…

Thank you so much for wanting to take me out of this…. I went to God in such a wrong way.. He is my father and going to God in a bad way hurt my purpose for existing and I felt so confused….

Thank you for this… when I sent the last posts, part of me felt inclined to keep this, but now I realize that I am a fool…

I want God to comfort me like a parent to a child… I do hope for intimacy in heaven, to hug Him and always feel safe, but the sexual sin ended up confusing my mind so much…

Thank you again for being patient with me…… thank you….
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,826
947
113
31
#7
When I first went to God, I wanted to resist the urge for sexual sin, and I guess over time when I got distant, I worried too much…

I guess to be honest I just wanted to keep this sin so much because I was just so scared of marriage and things.. And I went to God in such a wrong way I got confused and felt sad….

I was so scared of pain of resisting but I remembered my reason for it…

When I wanted to keep this sin, I felt so scared because I didn’t know my purpose as well anymore…

It hurt when I first read what you sent because I dearly wanted to keep this but God made marriage for a reason and remembering that made me realize how wrong I am and it my conscience hurt so much…

Thank you so much for wanting to take me out of this…. I went to God in such a wrong way.. He is my father and going to God in a bad way hurt my purpose for existing and I felt so confused….

Thank you for this… when I sent the last posts, part of me felt inclined to keep this, but now I realize that I am a fool…

I want God to comfort me like a parent to a child… I do hope for intimacy in heaven, to hug Him and always feel safe, but the sexual sin ended up confusing my mind so much…

Thank you again for being patient with me…… thank you….
You have potential, remember that. That’s what God sees, potential. He created you with purpose and it is your choice to walk into it. I understand your fears in regards to marriage but a lesson that was given to me is that there is no fear in love. Love keeps no record of wrongs (so your past is behind you).

As for that hug you’re looking for, the Holy Spirit is your Comforter. He knows what you’re going through, and understands exactly why you feel the way that you do (reasonably or not). He can expose the lies of the enemy that have you bound and give you the truths that will set you free.

You have considered keeping your sin, holding onto it, but what part does light have with darkness? You are a new creation in Jesus Christ. Once dead and now made alive spiritually. No longer a slave to sin but righteousness. You are not obligated to entertain the sins that easily beset you, because God gives you the escape when temptation presents itself. Scripture says to approach the throne of grace in time of need that you may obtain grace and mercy. So do just that.

Remember this too, God does not condemn you. Jesus didn’t come into the world to condemn it but save it. Jesus is able to save you completely because He lives forever to intercede on your behalf. That’s eternity. He shed His blood for you and you are redeemed. A child of God, with a Father who will love you always.
 
Jun 8, 2021
5
1
3
#8
You have potential, remember that. That’s what God sees, potential. He created you with purpose and it is your choice to walk into it. I understand your fears in regards to marriage but a lesson that was given to me is that there is no fear in love. Love keeps no record of wrongs (so your past is behind you).

As for that hug you’re looking for, the Holy Spirit is your Comforter. He knows what you’re going through, and understands exactly why you feel the way that you do (reasonably or not). He can expose the lies of the enemy that have you bound and give you the truths that will set you free.

You have considered keeping your sin, holding onto it, but what part does light have with darkness? You are a new creation in Jesus Christ. Once dead and now made alive spiritually. No longer a slave to sin but righteousness. You are not obligated to entertain the sins that easily beset you, because God gives you the escape when temptation presents itself. Scripture says to approach the throne of grace in time of need that you may obtain grace and mercy. So do just that.

Remember this too, God does not condemn you. Jesus didn’t come into the world to condemn it but save it. Jesus is able to save you completely because He lives forever to intercede on your behalf. That’s eternity. He shed His blood for you and you are redeemed. A child of God, with a Father who will love you always.
I was going through a horrible path I felt stuck on…

I really didn’t deserve your help like that, and even if I wasn’t a troll, you could see how bad I was and I am still probably bad and confused about things…

I didn’t deserve you giving me a good answer when I talked inappropriately…..

Thank you for being patient with me….

What you said means a lot to me, remembering it is about being His son and telling the truth to me… thank you again…..
 
May 26, 2021
49
51
18
#9
I feel embarrassed but I guess I want to talk about this because it has caused me pain and I am unsure…

I guess in my anxiety and my worries I have tried to do non-lust masturbation…

And I guess I feel broken, I used to think about wet dreams because no fappers wait until wet dreams, and then I end up feeling broken…

Marriage is always brought up so frequently and I end up so jealous and insecure about myself, and marriage isn’t to just satisfy a desire, there is so much responsibility… I feel like they say marriage is a solution in a way that I would treat the other person just like an object to satisfy and I dislike that…..

One time when I thought about who God is a lot in my life, how much He means, how valuable He is, I ended up wanting to hug Him…. I just wanted to keep hugging and cuddling because out of everyone He meant so much when I spent so much time wondering if life was worth living with all the pain…..

And I noticed myself feel attracted, and I felt nervous, but I felt like out of everyone to have my affection, I wanted Him to have it, so I masturbated thinking about the facts about who God is….

Not about what He looked like, or not physical appearance…. I just thought about the verses on who God is in my life, and how He is my purpose and the one in life I should love the most.

I marriage is in heaven, it is intimacy with God, and I guess I just wish He could have my love and affection considering He is more important than a wife could ever be anyways…

And I guess in other moments I felt so distracted and anxious going to God, and I feel like in those moments I spend, I just think so much about those facts about God….

Marriage is an allegory, for God’s love to the church, and I just…. I feel like I don’t want to spend all my worries thinking about a wife and make her more than God just because of sexual desire….

I just… I wish God could have all I am… I don’t want to make anyone seem like they are more….

I don’t want to disrespect God and i don’t know if I am, but I guess I’m just nervous I am corrupt and so dumb and so horrible….

I am fearful of Him, but at the same time, He wants me to go to Him for comfort and love… I can’t kill myself because He wants me to stay, and He doesn’t want me to stay just out of fear, He wants me have love for Him too, and I just wish He could have all of me…..

Ever since this, I am so nervous to look at NSFW, I feel like whenever I think of God during it, it is such a special event, and then when I look at NSFW, I just feel like I trade what is valuable for just objectifying people and I feel horrible….
I guess it feels like there is more love and passion, than just looking at images, where there isn’t love….

It’s like if I look at NSFW, I just feel so upset and lonely being stuck with something when I enjoyed thinking about God better… it felt real, it felt meaningful and it just made me so frustrated it made me throw my phone done……It’ like I have so much excitement to see NSFW, to see what the hype is about and “feel complete” only to end up in so much disappointment, stopping in the midst of it, to walk out and maybe masturbate thinking of God later because it just means more…

It feels strange with how frustrated I feel at NSFW, ever since this thinking with God, how much I would rather think of God during that time… God just seems so much more special and close…. and I don’t know how to feel….
I had a female friend who thought somewhat of the same thing, she thought that being the bride of Christ literally meant she was technically married to Him and would masturbate thinking about Jesus. That is the devil lying to you and preying on your weakness. At the end of the day there is nothing biblical or holy about having sex with yourself while God watches you. God makes it clear that He gave us sexual desire so that we can reproduce and enjoy sex with our spouses. Our sinful nature finds ways for us to justify or excuse being sexual outside of marriage. I completely understand feeling embarrassed but don’t. I promise you’re not the first nor will be the last person to make that mistake. God forgives and you need to forgive yourself. He knows the desire of your heart and knows that you want to feel close to Him, but that’s not how. Just repent and move on, there’s always someone out there who either has done the same thing or worse, don’t dwell on your guilt. Just take away the lesson and move forward! I’m sorry you’re experiencing such loneliness and confusion. God is here and so are we! ❤️