Lost in relationship

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Gumbo21

New member
Mar 1, 2019
12
3
3
#1
Hi everyone I usually try to figure things out myself and I have prayed a lot, but I just need some help from the community that I know will give the best advice, from the Bible.

I have been with this girl for two+ years. She’s the first long term relationship I’ve been in and we are both in college. She asked me out and I was thrilled and we have made the best memories in my life these two years. The beginning was great as it always is, and we started unofficially living together after a year. Up until a few weeks ago we really hadn’t had a big fight at all. Maybe one or two.

A few weeks ago she broke up with me saying she needs to “find out who she is” but wants to try again when I come back (I’m away for 4 months). I said nope I’m not going to be your backup plan in case you can’t find anyone better. She never explained why she wanted to break up, and even though it only lasted a day, it still has destroyed our foundation. To me she was gone forever and I was coping with that when she came back. If I mention the breakup she will get mad and say can we get over this already like it didn’t just wreck me.

I called my mom and it was the first time I ever asked someone for relationship advice and I cried a lot. She said to make a list of the good and bad and try to see if she is worth it from a third person point of view.

I feel like I’m blinded by my sins. I sinned with my girlfriend (sexually) and it was not her first time. The pain of not sharing that together has always tugged at my heart, but now I’ve learned my lesson, that I’m no less of an adulterer myself than her ex is to me. This summer I have read the Bible and prayed a lot and it’s opening my eyes to these things and bringing great sorrow (also reassurance but mainly sorrow because of my sins).

So now we are back together. But I have been thinking about what my mom told me. I thought back to all the things that have been done to me that love had blinded me to. I think in a healthy relationship it’s good for love to cover the small imperfections of someone, my goal is to find out what a healthy relationship is because this is my first. I was already shopping for engagement rings when she ended our relationship for what (had I not spend t hours and hours on the phone explaining why the stress of classes, money, long distance, her friends who don’t even know me telling her to end it and party with them, and some other things) would have been forever.

I’m not perfect, but she has never ever questioned her trust in me because in two years I’ve never done anything to suggest she should (regarding other females). But like I said I’m not perfect and lack in other areas like motivating myself to get her flowers etc. and not be lazy sometimes.

So I started thinking about what my mom said and many things came to mind. It’s not my right to call out another’s sins and that’s not what I’m trying to do I just have no basis for what’s normal.

Early on she told me about a guy sending her nudes. I said why haven’t you blocked him?

She told me she going to video chat a guy to ask for math help (I believe this was her intention) and I said why not ask me, I took it last year? This was a big fight.

She’s very liberal and I didn’t care because love sees past politics, but many of the things she supports is unbiblical, and whenever I mention my views on say abortion she gets pissed.

I told her I can see straight through her apartment window into her shower, and she refused to fix it for two weeks.

One day a really hot guy came next to us with his pet, and she pet it and gave him the look she gave me the first time she saw me. I asked to see her phone right after and she hid it, she was looking up “how to know if you’re with the right guy”. I cried for days, and that image of her eyes burned into my mind.

I’m constantly apologizing to her for things I know I didn’t do wrong for the sake of not fighting. I’m patient and she can be very stubborn and hot headed. If she doesn’t hear something she likes, she will say goodnight and hang up. If I give her advice, she says stop demeaning me you’re not my dad. She gets so mad when I’m right about something and one of my biggest flaws and I know it’s so unhealthy is to always point out when I’m right. I did it so she’d trust my advice, but she saw it as demeaning and I understand why and have stopped.

When I went through addiction, I was lazy and not motivated, but I never stopped loving her and supporting her even when I was suicidal which she doesn’t know about. Now that she is stressed from college she so easily gave me up.

When I talk on video chat (long distance) she will be on Instagram the whole time, and when I ask her something she’ll always ask me to repeat it. As I just stare at the screen wanting some emotional connection.

I woke up one day to her watching porn by my side. She hid it too late, and we didn’t say a word for hours. Once again I cried. I deserved this one. Here I am complaining about how my girlfriend won’t have sex with me for 3 months (no interest in me because of the porn I assume) and do I have a right to be mad when she’s committing the same adultery online? No. I’m drowning in my own sins. I’m reaping what I’ve sown.

That’s what’s so hard is that even though I know I’m just as bad if not WORSE of a sinner, I don’t know if this is a normal relationship. When we have good times they are amazing, but she (also her longest relationship) feels like the honeymoon phase should last forever.

When I disapproved of her friend (who told her to break up with me) cheating on her boyfriend, I was told that I’m mean and wrong and judging and rude.

I asked her to not have her butt sticking out at the beach, and she chose a bikini with her butt sticking out. I said I won’t choose for you just keep me in mind when you choose one. I said how am I supposed to enjoy the beach when I’m the only guy there not lusting after you. Sure enough a week from today we will be at the beach and I have seen the picture of her bikini and could see the stock photo model’s entire butt. She believes that wearing skimpy clothes is “women’s empowerment”. When I said “is it not more empowering to pass up the drooling of other men and wear what’s comfortable and modest?” Nope.

There are more things that I won’t get to and LET ME BE CLEAR: I could write a list even longer about myself, I’m just trying to figure out if her behavior is normal or unhealthy.

I’ve gone to church with her and her family and she’s struggling with her faith but appears to be trying. The thing that stabs my gut more than anything above is when she gets annoyed when I talk about how Jesus has affected my life. Sometimes she acts happy but many times she acts annoyed like “can we talk about something else”.

I’m sorry that this has been such a persecuting and horrible thread and I feel bad for posting it, and I love her so so so much. But I’m so lost right now and know that I need to follow Jesus not my flesh. I hope that I’m not just being a hypocrite, because I have done many bad things too I just need clarity on whether this is all normal or not. A lot of them are probably just my jealously and insecurity and needing to fix myself (the long distance has made this worse).

Thank you.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
25,860
4,305
113
#2
You are not being a hypocrite; your honesty is refreshing. Your girlfriend does not sound like she is ready for a committed relationship. It seems you are unequally yoked, and I am sorry for the pain this is causing you, but rejoice with you that your focus is on Jesus.

 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,076
892
113
#3
I once had a gf break up with me, and eventually she decided she wanted to get back together. That very same day we had an argument and she refused to be anywhere near me, though we were 'still together'. I found out, the next day, she was on a dating app talking to other guys that night. And taking nude selfies, which she insisted had nothing to do with talking to guys on a dating app. And that's just one instance, but look how much it revealed about the woman. How many instances are needed for you?
How would you have advised someone who you knew where that happened to them? Would you feel that woman is trustworthy and advise your friend to stick it out? Or that she cared about your friend? Or would the fact that 'while together' that she was on a dating app and taking such pics a huge bad sign?
While reading your post, at first i felt, maybe he's blowing things out of proportion. But halfway through i began wondering 'why is he with her?'. The reason you're with her is you're desperate to keep something going because of a history, combined with the sexual bonding that occurs. You may have some feelings for her still, but is that really a good enough reason? Would you Really want to spend your life with someone when all of this goes on? Is that really the life you want?
Don't expect that she will change, when you marry someone you marry who they Are, not who you Hope they'll be. Is someone that ignores you in favor of her phone, looks at other men in front of you, is always impatient, insensitive, dishonest, unsure of your relationship (and that's only half your post) the kind of person you want a future with?
It's easy to let emotions and a desire to keep something we invest in so much in to mislead us, but chances are if you feel a need to ask others about the String Of Issues then you already have your answer, it's just not the one you want. I bet you already know, but are hoping there's a magic answer to solve it all... there's not. It sucks, i know. I've been there.
 

Gumbo21

New member
Mar 1, 2019
12
3
3
#4
Thanks for sharing subhumanoidal, I’m sure it’s hard to bring back the memories. I’ve known that phrase that you can’t change someone so marry who they are now, but I guess I’d hoped that since she’s two years younger, she’d have gained patience and faith and such over those two years. I asked her tonight to list some times that I’d hurt her to reassure me that we are just having normal issues and that I’m not just a doormat to walk over. She couldn’t think of any so I asked again and told her I’m not going to be mad if you say something I just want to know that I hurt you too and it’ll make me feel better about it. She couldn’t think of a single thing. I said what about when I was addicted and depressed? She said you never did anything to me only to yourself. This is the hardest time of my life (thank you God for not putting me through much harder things that I know many people are going through). We have a vacation in 6 days with two of my college friends and her, and I just don’t know if we can work through such problems that are engrained in the foundation of our trust and love. Oh man it hurts knowing what should be done and not having the strength to do it. I’ll pray on it.
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
4,653
1,525
113
#5
She’s very liberal and I didn’t care because love sees past politics, but many of the things she supports is unbiblical, and whenever I mention my views on say abortion she gets pissed.
She does not respect you and she is not a Christian.. Does love see past someone who supports the mass murder of innocent little ones?

I believe she will eventually leave you.. Bending to her P.O.V will only see her respect for you turn to contempt..

It is a sad situation that you love her.. That makes the pain of leaving her very hard on you.. But time is the healer when it comes to break ups..
 

Gumbo21

New member
Mar 1, 2019
12
3
3
#6
I want more than anything to be patient and see if things change, but don’t know how long is too long. She’s is a really amazing person, but with no foundation spritually, it’s impossible to see life in the same way. Things like modesty and loyalty and trust seem like such solid justified concepts to me, but her word view is that everything is relative. I don’t graduate for another year so I want to be patient and give her a chance, but am I joking myself? Is that a textbook mistake assuming she’ll change at all? That she’ll see the Bible as then ultimate truth?
 

Gumbo21

New member
Mar 1, 2019
12
3
3
#7
Then I open my bible and read about Hosea being reconciled with his wife who was a prostitute and wonder maybe I’m just not being patient enough and allowing her to grow in her faith. But then she texts me saying I wish we could talk about something else besides the Bible. I don’t know. I’m so torn. I don’t want to be quick to act. I also don’t want this relationship to come between me and God.
 

Gumbo21

New member
Mar 1, 2019
12
3
3
#8
Well I have made the hardest decision of my life. Right after I looked up and saw a cross on my door. Then looked in the mirror and saw the cross I wear around my neck. God is working through me and comforting me in my deepest pain. I’m blessed to have such magnificent, special love from God.
 

TabinRivCA

Well-known member
Oct 23, 2018
1,860
1,635
113
#9
I was once like she is which is the main goal is to have fun. I was a believer but my mind seemed to b in hibernation, as I look back, I can't even explain it. Only 'immaturity' comes to mind, and if one is on that track, only time and experience will b the solution. Btw, it took me ages and it had nothing to do with the sincere guys, just my blindness at the time. God's truths, the fruit of the Spirit, is key for you. God bless you.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,507
1,430
113
Germany
#10
Brother bad soulties are hell. U were very committed but she isnt
Pray a lot and let God help and heal you. God has better things for you
Dont let a woman hold u back from your true blessings. Move on and seek God. If she was the right one she wouldnt play such silly games like finding herself
 

Gumbo21

New member
Mar 1, 2019
12
3
3
#11
Thank you all, I’m going to a campus church group tonight in hopes to make some friends and worship together. Being 9 hours from my home and my friends makes this even tougher than it already is. Your reassuring words have helped a bunch.
 
W

Wild

Guest
#12
Hi everyone I usually try to figure things out myself and I have prayed a lot, but I just need some help from the community that I know will give the best advice, from the Bible.

I have been with this girl for two+ years. She’s the first long term relationship I’ve been in and we are both in college. She asked me out and I was thrilled and we have made the best memories in my life these two years. The beginning was great as it always is, and we started unofficially living together after a year. Up until a few weeks ago we really hadn’t had a big fight at all. Maybe one or two.

A few weeks ago she broke up with me saying she needs to “find out who she is” but wants to try again when I come back (I’m away for 4 months). I said nope I’m not going to be your backup plan in case you can’t find anyone better. She never explained why she wanted to break up, and even though it only lasted a day, it still has destroyed our foundation. To me she was gone forever and I was coping with that when she came back. If I mention the breakup she will get mad and say can we get over this already like it didn’t just wreck me.

I called my mom and it was the first time I ever asked someone for relationship advice and I cried a lot. She said to make a list of the good and bad and try to see if she is worth it from a third person point of view.

I feel like I’m blinded by my sins. I sinned with my girlfriend (sexually) and it was not her first time. The pain of not sharing that together has always tugged at my heart, but now I’ve learned my lesson, that I’m no less of an adulterer myself than her ex is to me. This summer I have read the Bible and prayed a lot and it’s opening my eyes to these things and bringing great sorrow (also reassurance but mainly sorrow because of my sins).

So now we are back together. But I have been thinking about what my mom told me. I thought back to all the things that have been done to me that love had blinded me to. I think in a healthy relationship it’s good for love to cover the small imperfections of someone, my goal is to find out what a healthy relationship is because this is my first. I was already shopping for engagement rings when she ended our relationship for what (had I not spend t hours and hours on the phone explaining why the stress of classes, money, long distance, her friends who don’t even know me telling her to end it and party with them, and some other things) would have been forever.

I’m not perfect, but she has never ever questioned her trust in me because in two years I’ve never done anything to suggest she should (regarding other females). But like I said I’m not perfect and lack in other areas like motivating myself to get her flowers etc. and not be lazy sometimes.

So I started thinking about what my mom said and many things came to mind. It’s not my right to call out another’s sins and that’s not what I’m trying to do I just have no basis for what’s normal.

Early on she told me about a guy sending her nudes. I said why haven’t you blocked him?

She told me she going to video chat a guy to ask for math help (I believe this was her intention) and I said why not ask me, I took it last year? This was a big fight.

She’s very liberal and I didn’t care because love sees past politics, but many of the things she supports is unbiblical, and whenever I mention my views on say abortion she gets pissed.

I told her I can see straight through her apartment window into her shower, and she refused to fix it for two weeks.

One day a really hot guy came next to us with his pet, and she pet it and gave him the look she gave me the first time she saw me. I asked to see her phone right after and she hid it, she was looking up “how to know if you’re with the right guy”. I cried for days, and that image of her eyes burned into my mind.

I’m constantly apologizing to her for things I know I didn’t do wrong for the sake of not fighting. I’m patient and she can be very stubborn and hot headed. If she doesn’t hear something she likes, she will say goodnight and hang up. If I give her advice, she says stop demeaning me you’re not my dad. She gets so mad when I’m right about something and one of my biggest flaws and I know it’s so unhealthy is to always point out when I’m right. I did it so she’d trust my advice, but she saw it as demeaning and I understand why and have stopped.

When I went through addiction, I was lazy and not motivated, but I never stopped loving her and supporting her even when I was suicidal which she doesn’t know about. Now that she is stressed from college she so easily gave me up.

When I talk on video chat (long distance) she will be on Instagram the whole time, and when I ask her something she’ll always ask me to repeat it. As I just stare at the screen wanting some emotional connection.

I woke up one day to her watching porn by my side. She hid it too late, and we didn’t say a word for hours. Once again I cried. I deserved this one. Here I am complaining about how my girlfriend won’t have sex with me for 3 months (no interest in me because of the porn I assume) and do I have a right to be mad when she’s committing the same adultery online? No. I’m drowning in my own sins. I’m reaping what I’ve sown.

That’s what’s so hard is that even though I know I’m just as bad if not WORSE of a sinner, I don’t know if this is a normal relationship. When we have good times they are amazing, but she (also her longest relationship) feels like the honeymoon phase should last forever.

When I disapproved of her friend (who told her to break up with me) cheating on her boyfriend, I was told that I’m mean and wrong and judging and rude.

I asked her to not have her butt sticking out at the beach, and she chose a bikini with her butt sticking out. I said I won’t choose for you just keep me in mind when you choose one. I said how am I supposed to enjoy the beach when I’m the only guy there not lusting after you. Sure enough a week from today we will be at the beach and I have seen the picture of her bikini and could see the stock photo model’s entire butt. She believes that wearing skimpy clothes is “women’s empowerment”. When I said “is it not more empowering to pass up the drooling of other men and wear what’s comfortable and modest?” Nope.

There are more things that I won’t get to and LET ME BE CLEAR: I could write a list even longer about myself, I’m just trying to figure out if her behavior is normal or unhealthy.

I’ve gone to church with her and her family and she’s struggling with her faith but appears to be trying. The thing that stabs my gut more than anything above is when she gets annoyed when I talk about how Jesus has affected my life. Sometimes she acts happy but many times she acts annoyed like “can we talk about something else”.

I’m sorry that this has been such a persecuting and horrible thread and I feel bad for posting it, and I love her so so so much. But I’m so lost right now and know that I need to follow Jesus not my flesh. I hope that I’m not just being a hypocrite, because I have done many bad things too I just need clarity on whether this is all normal or not. A lot of them are probably just my jealously and insecurity and needing to fix myself (the long distance has made this worse).

Thank you.
Dude when she tells you she needs to go " find her self " all of a sudden it means she found someone else and needs an excuse to leave
 

Gumbo21

New member
Mar 1, 2019
12
3
3
#13
I don’t believe there was anyone else in the picture, but am sure that she was wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere, as shown by her actions. It’s ok, I’ll get through the pain and will eventually find someone who has the same goals and values for a relationship and will put God at the center. I’ll be patient and let the Lord worry about the timing :)
 

Gumbo21

New member
Mar 1, 2019
12
3
3
#14
My biggest fear is that what she’s done is normal and I’m just overreacting. Is it too much to expect 100% faithfulness in a partner? I never looked at another woman while we dated but as a guy maybe it’s not the same because we are limited to our options and aren’t tempted by girls constantly hitting on us (at least me). We have different struggles and maybe since she’s a beautiful woman her struggles are greater than mine. I don’t know. I prayed tonight for wisdom.
 

Gumbo21

New member
Mar 1, 2019
12
3
3
#15
I’m new to this kind of love and didn’t know how hard it was!!!! 😂
 

amberlynlover7

Junior Member
Apr 1, 2018
296
114
43
#16
Sound to me that ur jealous and bit control freak of ur GF. U can't force her to do things u want her to do. She won't ever change her own way. Like she said that ur aren't her father. Also if she have different beliefs u might as well respected her. If she isn't interested in being in committed u might as well break up with her. U also seem to have trust issue.
 

Gumbo21

New member
Mar 1, 2019
12
3
3
#17
Sound to me that ur jealous and bit control freak of ur GF. U can't force her to do things u want her to do. She won't ever change her own way. Like she said that ur aren't her father. Also if she have different beliefs u might as well respected her. If she isn't interested in being in committed u might as well break up with her. U also seem to have trust issue.
I’ll agree with that partially. I already apologized for even bringing up the bikini because I realized that was an unnecessary argument stemmed from my jealousy. Had it been a year ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it and in fact we have gone to pools before and I didn’t even think about it, but the bikini thing was after all of these other issues so yes I was very vulnerable.

And yes there are some trust issues, but how could there not be? Trust issues when nothing’s been done is a toxic behavior, but trust issues when multiple times your trust has been broken is a different story. I do very clearly remember a time when I had 100% trust and didn’t question things until they were either brought up or I accidentally found out about them like examples above. What’s a normal amount of trust to have in a relationship?

In no way have I tried to control her that I can think of and she never mentioned feeling controlled before. Saying that I didn’t like seeing 90% of her butt in the bikini may be a hint of controlling, but I supported it and said it was very cute when she bought it. The issue that she broke up with me for initially had nothing to do with me controlling her at all, she just felt like she was missing out on partying and exciting college stuff and hobbies etc. but whenever she wanted to go out I’d encourage her, in fact usually I’d want to play video games or hang with my friends when she went out so I’d never held her back from doing anything. I’d always be impressed and amazed with the crafts and stuff she would make. She said a couple days ago she just felt like she had to change who she was to make me happy, but also said that I never did anything to make her feel like she has to change. Sounds like a normal relationship to me, I’ve change a lot of things to make her happy (stopped drinking, smoking, hanging out with bad influences, etc.) and never blamed her for bringing the best out of me. Lots of things in her life are changing quickly (college, friends, long term relationship, family, stress level) and it’s just easiest to blame it on the relationship which ultimately makes me miserable. I’ve listened to a Christian talk show on my drive down to the beach (alone) and realized that I need to focus on improving myself rather than harping on her past mistakes, I just don’t want to be taken advantage of.

Even now we are on a “break” as stated above. I broke up with her and shortly after said I’m sorry for focusing on your mistakes and that I just want to give her time to figure out what she wants in life. She didn’t want it to be a break, more a temporary breakup until she makes up her mind. This is the stuff where I feel I’m being taken advantage of. The difference in not talking for a few weeks vs not talking and being single for a few weeks is important. Maybe I should move on or just focus on improving myself and being single. I was fine before and wasn’t even looking to date in the first place, it’s just harder getting out than it was getting in.

Am I crazy or do some of these things make sense? Lol
 

amberlynlover7

Junior Member
Apr 1, 2018
296
114
43
#18
I’ll agree with that partially. I already apologized for even bringing up the bikini because I realized that was an unnecessary argument stemmed from my jealousy. Had it been a year ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it and in fact we have gone to pools before and I didn’t even think about it, but the bikini thing was after all of these other issues so yes I was very vulnerable.

And yes there are some trust issues, but how could there not be? Trust issues when nothing’s been done is a toxic behavior, but trust issues when multiple times your trust has been broken is a different story. I do very clearly remember a time when I had 100% trust and didn’t question things until they were either brought up or I accidentally found out about them like examples above. What’s a normal amount of trust to have in a relationship?

In no way have I tried to control her that I can think of and she never mentioned feeling controlled before. Saying that I didn’t like seeing 90% of her butt in the bikini may be a hint of controlling, but I supported it and said it was very cute when she bought it. The issue that she broke up with me for initially had nothing to do with me controlling her at all, she just felt like she was missing out on partying and exciting college stuff and hobbies etc. but whenever she wanted to go out I’d encourage her, in fact usually I’d want to play video games or hang with my friends when she went out so I’d never held her back from doing anything. I’d always be impressed and amazed with the crafts and stuff she would make. She said a couple days ago she just felt like she had to change who she was to make me happy, but also said that I never did anything to make her feel like she has to change. Sounds like a normal relationship to me, I’ve change a lot of things to make her happy (stopped drinking, smoking, hanging out with bad influences, etc.) and never blamed her for bringing the best out of me. Lots of things in her life are changing quickly (college, friends, long term relationship, family, stress level) and it’s just easiest to blame it on the relationship which ultimately makes me miserable. I’ve listened to a Christian talk show on my drive down to the beach (alone) and realized that I need to focus on improving myself rather than harping on her past mistakes, I just don’t want to be taken advantage of.

Even now we are on a “break” as stated above. I broke up with her and shortly after said I’m sorry for focusing on your mistakes and that I just want to give her time to figure out what she wants in life. She didn’t want it to be a break, more a temporary breakup until she makes up her mind. This is the stuff where I feel I’m being taken advantage of. The difference in not talking for a few weeks vs not talking and being single for a few weeks is important. Maybe I should move on or just focus on improving myself and being single. I was fine before and wasn’t even looking to date in the first place, it’s just harder getting out than it was getting in.

Am I crazy or do some of these things make sense? Lol
I mean I don't blame u for being jealous over ur girl. It very common for every guy to be over protect their girl. And want their gf focused on only on them because they don't want too loose them. Not many guy like girl having some guy friends.

U even said that u didn't like how ur girl were chatting with a guy who was sending nude to her. U even said that u didn't like how she went out to study with guy. Also u said that u didn't like how a hot guy came in ur home how and she gave him a look. Last but not least u wanted het phone.

I could see some sign or red flag from her.

A) She probably cheating or hooking up some guys behind ur back. Since u say how u guys agrue. U don't let her have some fun.

B) She like flirting to guys that are infront u to get ur attention or make u jealous.

U also seem to not able the situation handle properly of the realtionship. Instead of crying and giving a pity party. While complaining about watching porn and not having sex. As a man u should have confronted her or try to communicate with her more. Rather than arguing with her. I think the reason why the realtionship has failed because of the lack chemistry u weren't satsfied being with her. You guys didn't exactly have the same interest.
 

Princesa

New member
Feb 7, 2019
22
22
3
#19
I'm sad that she can't handle listening to you talk about how her choice has had an effect on you/the relationship & instead replies with: "can we get over this already?"
Typically, emotional availability is crucial in strong relationships.

Quoted from your March 1st post:
"Oh man it hurts knowing what should be done and not having the strength to do it."


You need a prayer my boy; I will pray God helps to deliver you strength!


Quoted from your March 5th post:
"I’ll get through the pain and will eventually find someone who has the same goals and values for a relationship and will put God at the center."


Settle for someone who compliments you. That's the right woman to fight for! :)

PS. You can love someone & also know that they are not your future spouse.
 
Mar 4, 2019
14
1
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#20
Hi everyone I usually try to figure things out myself and I have prayed a lot, but I just need some help from the community that I know will give the best advice, from the Bible.

I have been with this girl for two+ years. She’s the first long term relationship I’ve been in and we are both in college. She asked me out and I was thrilled and we have made the best memories in my life these two years. The beginning was great as it always is, and we started unofficially living together after a year. Up until a few weeks ago we really hadn’t had a big fight at all. Maybe one or two.

A few weeks ago she broke up with me saying she needs to “find out who she is” but wants to try again when I come back (I’m away for 4 months). I said nope I’m not going to be your backup plan in case you can’t find anyone better. She never explained why she wanted to break up, and even though it only lasted a day, it still has destroyed our foundation. To me she was gone forever and I was coping with that when she came back. If I mention the breakup she will get mad and say can we get over this already like it didn’t just wreck me.

I called my mom and it was the first time I ever asked someone for relationship advice and I cried a lot. She said to make a list of the good and bad and try to see if she is worth it from a third person point of view.

I feel like I’m blinded by my sins. I sinned with my girlfriend (sexually) and it was not her first time. The pain of not sharing that together has always tugged at my heart, but now I’ve learned my lesson, that I’m no less of an adulterer myself than her ex is to me. This summer I have read the Bible and prayed a lot and it’s opening my eyes to these things and bringing great sorrow (also reassurance but mainly sorrow because of my sins).

So now we are back together. But I have been thinking about what my mom told me. I thought back to all the things that have been done to me that love had blinded me to. I think in a healthy relationship it’s good for love to cover the small imperfections of someone, my goal is to find out what a healthy relationship is because this is my first. I was already shopping for engagement rings when she ended our relationship for what (had I not spend t hours and hours on the phone explaining why the stress of classes, money, long distance, her friends who don’t even know me telling her to end it and party with them, and some other things) would have been forever.

I’m not perfect, but she has never ever questioned her trust in me because in two years I’ve never done anything to suggest she should (regarding other females). But like I said I’m not perfect and lack in other areas like motivating myself to get her flowers etc. and not be lazy sometimes.

So I started thinking about what my mom said and many things came to mind. It’s not my right to call out another’s sins and that’s not what I’m trying to do I just have no basis for what’s normal.

Early on she told me about a guy sending her nudes. I said why haven’t you blocked him?

She told me she going to video chat a guy to ask for math help (I believe this was her intention) and I said why not ask me, I took it last year? This was a big fight.

She’s very liberal and I didn’t care because love sees past politics, but many of the things she supports is unbiblical, and whenever I mention my views on say abortion she gets pissed.

I told her I can see straight through her apartment window into her shower, and she refused to fix it for two weeks.

One day a really hot guy came next to us with his pet, and she pet it and gave him the look she gave me the first time she saw me. I asked to see her phone right after and she hid it, she was looking up “how to know if you’re with the right guy”. I cried for days, and that image of her eyes burned into my mind.

I’m constantly apologizing to her for things I know I didn’t do wrong for the sake of not fighting. I’m patient and she can be very stubborn and hot headed. If she doesn’t hear something she likes, she will say goodnight and hang up. If I give her advice, she says stop demeaning me you’re not my dad. She gets so mad when I’m right about something and one of my biggest flaws and I know it’s so unhealthy is to always point out when I’m right. I did it so she’d trust my advice, but she saw it as demeaning and I understand why and have stopped.

When I went through addiction, I was lazy and not motivated, but I never stopped loving her and supporting her even when I was suicidal which she doesn’t know about. Now that she is stressed from college she so easily gave me up.

When I talk on video chat (long distance) she will be on Instagram the whole time, and when I ask her something she’ll always ask me to repeat it. As I just stare at the screen wanting some emotional connection.

I woke up one day to her watching porn by my side. She hid it too late, and we didn’t say a word for hours. Once again I cried. I deserved this one. Here I am complaining about how my girlfriend won’t have sex with me for 3 months (no interest in me because of the porn I assume) and do I have a right to be mad when she’s committing the same adultery online? No. I’m drowning in my own sins. I’m reaping what I’ve sown.

That’s what’s so hard is that even though I know I’m just as bad if not WORSE of a sinner, I don’t know if this is a normal relationship. When we have good times they are amazing, but she (also her longest relationship) feels like the honeymoon phase should last forever.

When I disapproved of her friend (who told her to break up with me) cheating on her boyfriend, I was told that I’m mean and wrong and judging and rude.

I asked her to not have her butt sticking out at the beach, and she chose a bikini with her butt sticking out. I said I won’t choose for you just keep me in mind when you choose one. I said how am I supposed to enjoy the beach when I’m the only guy there not lusting after you. Sure enough a week from today we will be at the beach and I have seen the picture of her bikini and could see the stock photo model’s entire butt. She believes that wearing skimpy clothes is “women’s empowerment”. When I said “is it not more empowering to pass up the drooling of other men and wear what’s comfortable and modest?” Nope.

There are more things that I won’t get to and LET ME BE CLEAR: I could write a list even longer about myself, I’m just trying to figure out if her behavior is normal or unhealthy.

I’ve gone to church with her and her family and she’s struggling with her faith but appears to be trying. The thing that stabs my gut more than anything above is when she gets annoyed when I talk about how Jesus has affected my life. Sometimes she acts happy but many times she acts annoyed like “can we talk about something else”.

I’m sorry that this has been such a persecuting and horrible thread and I feel bad for posting it, and I love her so so so much. But I’m so lost right now and know that I need to follow Jesus not my flesh. I hope that I’m not just being a hypocrite, because I have done many bad things too I just need clarity on whether this is all normal or not. A lot of them are probably just my jealously and insecurity and needing to fix myself (the long distance has made this worse).

Thank you.
bb