Need advice: I have a crush on a married friend. He acts a little weird around me.

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Feb 9, 2020
12
16
3
#1
Hi, guys! I am entirely new to this forum, but I wanted to ask for advice from people who love Jesus. I'm sorry, it's a bit long.

I will try to make this as brief as possible without revealing too much information. About 4 or 5 years ago, I entered a church community via my college and met a few new friends. One of these people was the guy I'm writing about now (let's call him Sam). Sam is a little bit older than me, and had the role of a mentor, so I only saw him as a teacher/big brother for a very long time. Over time, though, I started to realize I was developing a crush on him. As someone inexperienced in romance, I had to recognize that these feelings weren't as gross and evil as I thought they were, because we were both adults, Sam was single (at the time), and I am just human. Still, I didn't make any moves to tell him or show it - I figured the feelings would just pass.

Although I didn't tell anyone, a lot of friends began to notice that we were (apparently) similar to each other, and began to make comments about it. If I made a joke, someone pointed out that Sam was rubbing off on me. If I mentioned a favorite movie, a mutual friend pointed out that it was Sam's favorite, too. When I mentioned loving a certain video game series, a friend told me that Sam loved it, too, and she wouldn't want us to "miss out" on the chance to bond over it. Someone once said we were literally the same person during a dinner with friends, and I tried not to die/feel as embarrassed as I did. I didn't try to emulate him; it just so happened that we were the same kind of nerdy and had similar personalities.

I think that it made Sam feel a bit uncomfortable around me. During a church conference, while were getting in our seats, he quietly moved aside so that the friend behind him would sit beside me instead. (That friend looked very confused, but didn't ask questions.) After a dance, as I was leaving, he followed after me as if to say something, but wound up looking a little frustrated, and asked if I just wanted to take a picture.

Fast forward a bit of time. Sam started to date someone in our church. They got married. Of course it stung, but they are so sweet together, and his wife is a truly beautiful person, inside and out. The comparison comments stopped, but not before a visitor to the church assumed that I was Sam's fiance, and it took some embarrassing explanation on my part. Over time, I am learning to get over these feelings I have for him, and accept God's plan for him.

But here's the thing: he still seems to be noticeably uncomfortable around me. For the longest time, I thought I was just being self-centered/delusional, but it's becoming clear that I'm not just imagining things. Sam kind of flinches when he sees me, and doesn't speak to me as easily as he does to other friends. It is really weird and hard to explain, but he will sort of avoid crossing paths with me if we are in the same room. I know that he doesn't hate me: A friend told me that Sam does have an affinity for me, and that he agrees that we are very much alike. A while ago, he wrote a little note on a birthday card and told me that he enjoyed speaking with me and found our conversations "refreshing". But I just don't understand if I have done something wrong, or how to navigate this; we have too many overlapping social circles to keep ignoring it.

He still smiles when he is sees me, and will say hello, but he always looks a little tense. I just want to be able to get over my feelings for him, and to be able to have a friendly relationship with my brother in Christ. My initial guess is that it was obvious that I liked him, and it made him feel uneasy.

Thanks for reading, and God bless.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#2
You might consider leaving this church and seek a new church home. Of course he feels tense around you because you have a crush on him and he's now married. I really don't see how it is possible to have a friendly relationship with him and besides that, since he is married it would be inappropriate. My counsel is to forget about this guy as no good will come from it and start moving forward. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
6,687
7,165
113
#3
Pray for Him and His wife, then....Look away....walk away...
 
Feb 9, 2020
12
16
3
#4
You might consider leaving this church and seek a new church home. Of course he feels tense around you because you have a crush on him and he's now married. I really don't see how it is possible to have a friendly relationship with him and besides that, since he is married it would be inappropriate. My counsel is to forget about this guy as no good will come from it and start moving forward. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
I've thought about moving churches before, but I happened to find some of my closest and dearest friendships in this church, and God has been growing my faith in Him far stronger here than an any other church I've been part of. Aside from the Sam issue, it's quite literally the healthiest environment I've ever been in. :( I genuinely sense that He wants me to remain part of this community for some time.

I've been trying to avoid social events that would involve him or are couples focused, but it's been a little difficult.
 

love_comes_softly

Well-known member
Feb 13, 2019
768
822
93
#6
Since he is now married, my suggestion is to stop analyzing the awkwardness and keep your distance until your feelings disappear. That doesn't mean you have to stop going to events, but make yourself busy with other friends and don't focus on him, but on the other people, on the Lord and the event.

The more you focus on him, the more awkward it will be and the more difficult it will be to forget about your feelings for him.

Praying you're able to seek the Lord in and with this situation. God bless!
 

bojack

Well-known member
Dec 16, 2019
2,309
1,006
113
#7
Hi, guys! I am entirely new to this forum, but I wanted to ask for advice from people who love Jesus. I'm sorry, it's a bit long.

I will try to make this as brief as possible without revealing too much information. About 4 or 5 years ago, I entered a church community via my college and met a few new friends. One of these people was the guy I'm writing about now (let's call him Sam). Sam is a little bit older than me, and had the role of a mentor, so I only saw him as a teacher/big brother for a very long time. Over time, though, I started to realize I was developing a crush on him. As someone inexperienced in romance, I had to recognize that these feelings weren't as gross and evil as I thought they were, because we were both adults, Sam was single (at the time), and I am just human. Still, I didn't make any moves to tell him or show it - I figured the feelings would just pass.

Although I didn't tell anyone, a lot of friends began to notice that we were (apparently) similar to each other, and began to make comments about it. If I made a joke, someone pointed out that Sam was rubbing off on me. If I mentioned a favorite movie, a mutual friend pointed out that it was Sam's favorite, too. When I mentioned loving a certain video game series, a friend told me that Sam loved it, too, and she wouldn't want us to "miss out" on the chance to bond over it. Someone once said we were literally the same person during a dinner with friends, and I tried not to die/feel as embarrassed as I did. I didn't try to emulate him; it just so happened that we were the same kind of nerdy and had similar personalities.

I think that it made Sam feel a bit uncomfortable around me. During a church conference, while were getting in our seats, he quietly moved aside so that the friend behind him would sit beside me instead. (That friend looked very confused, but didn't ask questions.) After a dance, as I was leaving, he followed after me as if to say something, but wound up looking a little frustrated, and asked if I just wanted to take a picture.

Fast forward a bit of time. Sam started to date someone in our church. They got married. Of course it stung, but they are so sweet together, and his wife is a truly beautiful person, inside and out. The comparison comments stopped, but not before a visitor to the church assumed that I was Sam's fiance, and it took some embarrassing explanation on my part. Over time, I am learning to get over these feelings I have for him, and accept God's plan for him.

But here's the thing: he still seems to be noticeably uncomfortable around me. For the longest time, I thought I was just being self-centered/delusional, but it's becoming clear that I'm not just imagining things. Sam kind of flinches when he sees me, and doesn't speak to me as easily as he does to other friends. It is really weird and hard to explain, but he will sort of avoid crossing paths with me if we are in the same room. I know that he doesn't hate me: A friend told me that Sam does have an affinity for me, and that he agrees that we are very much alike. A while ago, he wrote a little note on a birthday card and told me that he enjoyed speaking with me and found our conversations "refreshing". But I just don't understand if I have done something wrong, or how to navigate this; we have too many overlapping social circles to keep ignoring it.

He still smiles when he is sees me, and will say hello, but he always looks a little tense. I just want to be able to get over my feelings for him, and to be able to have a friendly relationship with my brother in Christ. My initial guess is that it was obvious that I liked him, and it made him feel uneasy.

Thanks for reading, and God bless.
Hi , Welcome and God Bless .. My advice is to confess to both him and his wife straight faced preferably both at the same time what you confessed here then keep your distance.. That should help keep all three of you on your toes and from messing up 3 lives ... His wife is responsible for performing all her wifely duties to him in bad times and in good not you .. Nip it ..
 
Feb 9, 2020
12
16
3
#8
Since he is now married, my suggestion is to stop analyzing the awkwardness and keep your distance until your feelings disappear. That doesn't mean you have to stop going to events, but make yourself busy with other friends and don't focus on him, but on the other people, on the Lord and the event.

The more you focus on him, the more awkward it will be and the more difficult it will be to forget about your feelings for him.

Praying you're able to seek the Lord in and with this situation. God bless!
Thank you for the prayers and advice! <3 I think that one reason why I have been so stuck on him is because those nice, romantic feelings were some of the first real things I was able to feel after some severely traumatic experiences that unfolded before I got to college. I will try to block out those thoughts more actively, and try to maintain a discreet distance.

I do have one more question, though: I said that the comparison comments stopped, and although that's mostly true, if I ever am compared to/referenced to anyone, it's him, even if he's not in the same room. It kind of puts everything back in my face again. What should I do during those moments?
 
Feb 9, 2020
12
16
3
#9
Hi , Welcome and God Bless .. My advice is to confess to both him and his wife straight faced preferably both at the same time what you confessed here then keep your distance.. That should help keep all three of you on your toes and from messing up 3 lives ... His wife is responsible for performing all her wifely duties to him in bad times and in good not you .. Nip it ..
Although I don't think I would tell either of them any time soon, I have sincerely wondered if it would be best if I just spilled the beans, especially if it's already an obvious and awkward thing. But I have never felt like doing that would be appropriate; I really want to respect their marriage and not introduce my own weird feelings into the mix. Maybe many years from now, when it's something everyone can laugh at, I'll be able to.
 

bojack

Well-known member
Dec 16, 2019
2,309
1,006
113
#10
Although I don't think I would tell either of them any time soon, I have sincerely wondered if it would be best if I just spilled the beans, especially if it's already an obvious and awkward thing. But I have never felt like doing that would be appropriate; I really want to respect their marriage and not introduce my own weird feelings into the mix. Maybe many years from now, when it's something everyone can laugh at, I'll be able to.
Perhaps in a compliment as an act of faith if the opportunity comes up .. ''You two make a great couple and I thank God for you both and your witness in our church'' type style .. I went by my best friends house one day while he was at work to pick up a tool and his wife come to the door wearing a short see through night gown and I mean see through. I told her to ''get in there and put some clothes on'' .. For my good as much as hers .. I set a tone then acted as if it never happened from then on .. jus sayin
 

Aerials1978

Well-known member
Dec 10, 2019
1,707
986
113
#11
Although I don't think I would tell either of them any time soon, I have sincerely wondered if it would be best if I just spilled the beans, especially if it's already an obvious and awkward thing. But I have never felt like doing that would be appropriate; I really want to respect their marriage and not introduce my own weird feelings into the mix. Maybe many years from now, when it's something everyone can laugh at, I'll be able to.
I do understand your feelings. Love in humans is a complicated thing. We really don’t choose the people we love and that can be very painful.

I don’t have any suggestions other than let our Fathers love be sufficient for you. “Sam” didn’t create you nor can he bring you salvation. God knows that some people need that companionship and He will provide an acceptable partner for them. Pray and let not you feelings steer your life. Who knows, the Lord could be molding a relationship for you that you aren’t even aware of yet. God bless.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#12
Although I don't think I would tell either of them any time soon, I have sincerely wondered if it would be best if I just spilled the beans, especially if it's already an obvious and awkward thing. But I have never felt like doing that would be appropriate; I really want to respect their marriage and not introduce my own weird feelings into the mix. Maybe many years from now, when it's something everyone can laugh at, I'll be able to.
It would serve no purpose whatsoever to talk to the husband and wife as it would only add to the tension and awkwardness and possibly disrupt their marriage. The time for showing him your true feelings was before he got married and certainly not after. That ship has sailed off into the sunset. My counsel is to leave them alone and to not insert yourself needlessly into the mix.
 

Roughsoul1991

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2016
8,784
4,451
113
#13
Hi, guys! I am entirely new to this forum, but I wanted to ask for advice from people who love Jesus. I'm sorry, it's a bit long.

I will try to make this as brief as possible without revealing too much information. About 4 or 5 years ago, I entered a church community via my college and met a few new friends. One of these people was the guy I'm writing about now (let's call him Sam). Sam is a little bit older than me, and had the role of a mentor, so I only saw him as a teacher/big brother for a very long time. Over time, though, I started to realize I was developing a crush on him. As someone inexperienced in romance, I had to recognize that these feelings weren't as gross and evil as I thought they were, because we were both adults, Sam was single (at the time), and I am just human. Still, I didn't make any moves to tell him or show it - I figured the feelings would just pass.

Although I didn't tell anyone, a lot of friends began to notice that we were (apparently) similar to each other, and began to make comments about it. If I made a joke, someone pointed out that Sam was rubbing off on me. If I mentioned a favorite movie, a mutual friend pointed out that it was Sam's favorite, too. When I mentioned loving a certain video game series, a friend told me that Sam loved it, too, and she wouldn't want us to "miss out" on the chance to bond over it. Someone once said we were literally the same person during a dinner with friends, and I tried not to die/feel as embarrassed as I did. I didn't try to emulate him; it just so happened that we were the same kind of nerdy and had similar personalities.

I think that it made Sam feel a bit uncomfortable around me. During a church conference, while were getting in our seats, he quietly moved aside so that the friend behind him would sit beside me instead. (That friend looked very confused, but didn't ask questions.) After a dance, as I was leaving, he followed after me as if to say something, but wound up looking a little frustrated, and asked if I just wanted to take a picture.

Fast forward a bit of time. Sam started to date someone in our church. They got married. Of course it stung, but they are so sweet together, and his wife is a truly beautiful person, inside and out. The comparison comments stopped, but not before a visitor to the church assumed that I was Sam's fiance, and it took some embarrassing explanation on my part. Over time, I am learning to get over these feelings I have for him, and accept God's plan for him.

But here's the thing: he still seems to be noticeably uncomfortable around me. For the longest time, I thought I was just being self-centered/delusional, but it's becoming clear that I'm not just imagining things. Sam kind of flinches when he sees me, and doesn't speak to me as easily as he does to other friends. It is really weird and hard to explain, but he will sort of avoid crossing paths with me if we are in the same room. I know that he doesn't hate me: A friend told me that Sam does have an affinity for me, and that he agrees that we are very much alike. A while ago, he wrote a little note on a birthday card and told me that he enjoyed speaking with me and found our conversations "refreshing". But I just don't understand if I have done something wrong, or how to navigate this; we have too many overlapping social circles to keep ignoring it.

He still smiles when he is sees me, and will say hello, but he always looks a little tense. I just want to be able to get over my feelings for him, and to be able to have a friendly relationship with my brother in Christ. My initial guess is that it was obvious that I liked him, and it made him feel uneasy.

Thanks for reading, and God bless.
Different perspective.

Now you have a Male relational role model. Meaning you have a healthy example of a Christian man that you should strive to look for in future mates.

Lots more fish in the sea and it may be God's will to set you adrift in the sea for awhile before finding the right fish. Be patient with God and pray for this future mate. God will lead you in the right direction. And you will know by the example God has already provided you.

Focus on God and God's will, everything else will come to pass in it's own season and it's own time. Right now strive to be obedient to God and this will prepare you for the future commitment and struggles of marriage.
 
Feb 9, 2020
12
16
3
#14
Different perspective.

Now you have a Male relational role model. Meaning you have a healthy example of a Christian man that you should strive to look for in future mates.

Lots more fish in the sea and it may be God's will to set you adrift in the sea for awhile before finding the right fish. Be patient with God and pray for this future mate. God will lead you in the right direction. And you will know by the example God has already provided you.

Focus on God and God's will, everything else will come to pass in it's own season and it's own time. Right now strive to be obedient to God and this will prepare you for the future commitment and struggles of marriage.
A faith leader and close friend of mine told me something similar, that this guy maybe just serves as a template for what a good husband looks like, and what kind to pray for. It's incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking in the meantime, but God is a good God, and a good Father who gives good gifts. Thanks for responding.
 

Roughsoul1991

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2016
8,784
4,451
113
#15
A faith leader and close friend of mine told me something similar, that this guy maybe just serves as a template for what a good husband looks like, and what kind to pray for. It's incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking in the meantime, but God is a good God, and a good Father who gives good gifts. Thanks for responding.
Good advice. Yes it is often that what we need to hear isn't always want we want to hear. Learning to accept our present situation for reality can be hard. We want to get lost in the past or the dreams of what could of been. But we mentally have to stay in the present and accept that the future brings hope for new opportunities and new dreams.

Stages of grief are important as they are warning signs that something internally is wrong. Heartbreak involves grief, anger, sadness, among other emotions that if left to linger can lead to mental illnesses like depression.

Filter the emotions but do not linger very long in them. Do all you can to search for the peace, healing, and encouragement that God's Word can bring us. Accept reality as much as it may hurt, the past is the past and nothing can change the present. Learn from the past, grow in the present, and prepare for the future.
 

Aerials1978

Well-known member
Dec 10, 2019
1,707
986
113
#16
Different perspective.

Now you have a Male relational role model. Meaning you have a healthy example of a Christian man that you should strive to look for in future mates.

Lots more fish in the sea and it may be God's will to set you adrift in the sea for awhile before finding the right fish. Be patient with God and pray for this future mate. God will lead you in the right direction. And you will know by the example God has already provided you.

Focus on God and God's will, everything else will come to pass in it's own season and it's own time. Right now strive to be obedient to God and this will prepare you for the future commitment and struggles of marriage.
You made an excellent point about finding a man who is God h
Good advice. Yes it is often that what we need to hear isn't always want we want to hear. Learning to accept our present situation for reality can be hard. We want to get lost in the past or the dreams of what could of been. But we mentally have to stay in the present and accept that the future brings hope for new opportunities and new dreams.

Stages of grief are important as they are warning signs that something internally is wrong. Heartbreak involves grief, anger, sadness, among other emotions that if left to linger can lead to mental illnesses like depression.

Filter the emotions but do not linger very long in them. Do all you can to search for the peace, healing, and encouragement that God's Word can bring us. Accept reality as much as it may hurt, the past is the past and nothing can change the present. Learn from the past, grow in the present, and prepare for the future.
You hit the mark with that Brother. Emotions can become a stumbling block and cause one to fall into continued sin. Took me a long time to figure that out unfortunately.
 

Roughsoul1991

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2016
8,784
4,451
113
#17
You made an excellent point about finding a man who is God h


You hit the mark with that Brother. Emotions can become a stumbling block and cause one to fall into continued sin. Took me a long time to figure that out unfortunately.
Me too. My car accident left me in pain. But for years I was stuck in the stages of grief. Living in past thoughts or broken dreams. I constantly fell into unhealthy thoughts that quenched the Spirit. The tree of life within me was starved and the fruit was lacking. Satan was destroying me within. Until one day God helped me move on.
 

Aerials1978

Well-known member
Dec 10, 2019
1,707
986
113
#18
Me too. My car accident left me in pain. But for years I was stuck in the stages of grief. Living in past thoughts or broken dreams. I constantly fell into unhealthy thoughts that quenched the Spirit. The tree of life within me was starved and the fruit was lacking. Satan was destroying me within. Until one day God helped me move on.
Past thoughts. That one for me hurts the worst. What could have been or should have been as I would think. Now it’s all about what is to come. Sure there will more trials, but as David said “Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life”
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
4,262
113
#19
You're obsessed with him and he knows it and he's trying to keep his distance. He belongs to his wife now. Do not covet your neighbor's possessions..

Exodus 20:17 NIV:
You shall not covet your neighbor's wife(or husband), or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."
 

Roughsoul1991

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2016
8,784
4,451
113
#20
Past thoughts. That one for me hurts the worst. What could have been or should have been as I would think. Now it’s all about what is to come. Sure there will more trials, but as David said “Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life”
Oh yah.... I have to often just tell myself to focus on the hear and now. I cant change what happened but I can focus on the future and pain management that makes day by day the best I can possibly do.

I have to focus on the eternal and calling of God within me. The mission at hand and the great opportunities givin to me to share the Gospel. What is weakness in me, God makes me strong. What is weak, keeps me humble, keeps me dependent on God who provides me peace and encouragement.

You are very true it is the stronghold I often run to.