My Filipino christian wife wants a divorce and will not giving me a second chance

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mystikmind

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2015
521
0
0
#1
Hi guys

10 years ago i met this Angel from the Philippines, there are no words to do justice to describe how warm and friendly and compassionate she is. I fell totally in love with her and she with me, so 6 years ago we got married and 3 years ago our wonderful daughter was borne.

The problems between us even before we got married, because I am not a very tidy person, i tend to let dishes build up before washing them and all the rest of it. She cannot relax if there is a mess and has to clean it up. From there on, it is the classic old story, the man just doesn't get it, that doing chores around the house is not about doing the chores she asks him to do, it is about him doing them without being asked!

Despite all this we were absolutely in love but just that little thing was enough to cause her to be less interested in sex, she was looking for more and more excuses and slowly the time between encounters kept increasing. I did not understand, i took it as though i was less desirable too her and that made me feel resentment, but the resentment was not the worst of it, because i am a Christian, i feel like i must be a bad person for resenting her this way. So i don't want to admit there is a problem and on we go with our lives and our lives are fantastic together apart from this.

Anyhow, after getting married we had 3 wonderful years together but the sex was down to once or twice a fourtnight. I tried very hard to be a gentlemen, but deep down the resentment was slowly growing. Meanwhile exactly the same thing was happening for her because i was not very attentive to her needs, helping doing chores, buying flowers, all the usual things well intentioned dumb guys usually screw up.

Then we had our daughter and it kind of put all that in the background. So after the first year with our daughter, my wife started sending me signals, she even told me a few times that she is not happy but i do not know how to respond? I tried to lift my game around the house, i tried very hard but my resentment held me back.

My wife was getting more and more disconnected to me romantically, she would get irritated if i gave her a random hug or kiss and she would say "not now, can't you see I'm busy". meanwhile in the 3 years after our Daughter was borne, we had sex only twice! I kept telling myself to be patient and give her her space, things will get better, i never once considered cheating, but underneath my resentment was getting stronger and louder until i did something quite horrid.... On our anniversary, (last October) she said to me that today is our anniversary, i said "oh really" then turned back to my computer and did nothing more about it. What i was thinking in my mind was very foolish, i was thinking "only lovers celebrate anniversaries and were not lovers, just good friends, so if she thinks I'm going to be romantic, she has got another thing coming".

So things were bad and neither of us put up our hand to say, 'stop' we need to do something about this, we just let it slide... Also with the busy lives and a young child, all the distractions make it very easy to forget/ignore there is a big growing problem underneath,,, and also i think that neither of us want to admit our bad feelings we want to try to deny them instead.

Then lastly we went on a holiday to the Philippines for 3 weeks and we met all her family and friends and it reminded her of who she used to be and all the dreams she used to have when she was young. Meanwhile i was Mr negative, complaining about this and that and not really enjoying myself at all (not all the time of course). So when we got back on the 9th of January, and she was feeling very sad about leaving all her friends behind, just by chance i got a cold and my nose was running like a tap, so she was left to do all the unpacking. When she finished, on the 11 of February, she told me it's over and has held absolute to that position since.

I tried telling her i am willing to do anything, i am completely open an honest about my failings too her, i will go to counseling, i will go and do a relationship course and learn how to be a better husband, i would even do a dance class!

She is not at all interested, and it even seems to annoy her that i am even bothering to try to save the marriage at all!
Also there is a 10 year age gap between us, and she has told me herself that i am not ambitious enough career wise, she wants to be able to travel and live her dreams, she wants a younger and more ambitious man than me (if she has not already found him).

So there you have it, the whole story.

I am so deeply saddened, imagine your best friend in the world and mother to your 3 year old child, the one who stood beside you and spoke vows of forever at your wedding comes along and says, "i don't want you anymore and i don't even think your worth the effort of trying".

This is killing me, i try to love, i try not to hate her, but what she is doing is just so cruel.
 

mystikmind

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2015
521
0
0
#2
Sometimes i wonder what am i doing, why do i want to be with her so much, she was distant and irritable, and my efforts to show her my love were virtually invisible to her, i have been invisible to her for a long time, she did not,,, she,,,,, she,

she was the light of my life, even in the worst of times.

Can anyone translate what i want to say to her in Filipino?

I want to buy her a promise ring and i want to give her that ring and say...

"i give you this ring which symbolizes my promise and commitment to change so that we can both start a new journey to find true happiness together"
 

mar09

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2014
3,679
164
63
#3
How about this:
Tanggapin mo ang singsing na ito, na simbolo ng pangako at paninindigan ko na magbago para pareho tayong magsimula ng bagong paglalakbay na makahanap/(or)makamtan ang tunay na kaligahayan nang magkasama.
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
7,509
186
63
#4
Here I thought they spoke mainly Spanish. Well, you learn something new every day.
 

mystikmind

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2015
521
0
0
#5
Sorry to report she moved out already and is totally closed to any actions on my part towards trying to save the marriage.

It would take a miracle of God to save this marriage, but perhaps God will bring some other blessing out of the disaster of divorce?

Thank you
 
A

AgeofKnowledge

Guest
#6
Sounds like she wasn't an angel nor much of a Christian at all really. Her reasons for divorce are completely unscriptural. In fact, they are nothing more than selfishness and hedonism.

If you were married in the PI and she is not a U.S. citizen, then she can't divorce you. If everything you've said is true, there's not even enough for a legal separation. Annulment or 'voided marriage' aren't relevant unless the marriage itself was unlawful. Philippine Laws on Divorce, Separation & Annulment | LegalZoom: Legal Info

This is a good thing as it leaves you in a position where you can continue praying for God to convict her of trying to destroy your marriage over what amounts to her selfishness, her greed, etc... and work with her family to get her to repent and start acting like a Christian woman for a change.

But if she's a U.S. citizen, then you are royally <s*****d>. You'll just have to go through the divorce process and become her man-slave living to pay her money so she can gussy up for dates with a string of new men and buy herself "stuff" for the better part of the next two decades or face incarceration in the nation's jail system.

They still call it 'marriage,' for some reason even though it's really a feminist extortion plot that even homosexuals can pile in on now.... with the intent to open it up further to multiple partners, animals, and children (in that order) as "civil rights" are expanded by an increasingly immoral generation.

For your sake, I hope you kept in the PI. I really do.


Hi guys

10 years ago i met this Angel from the Philippines, there are no words to do justice to describe how warm and friendly and compassionate she is. I fell totally in love with her and she with me, so 6 years ago we got married and 3 years ago our wonderful daughter was borne.

The problems between us even before we got married, because I am not a very tidy person, i tend to let dishes build up before washing them and all the rest of it. She cannot relax if there is a mess and has to clean it up. From there on, it is the classic old story, the man just doesn't get it, that doing chores around the house is not about doing the chores she asks him to do, it is about him doing them without being asked!

Despite all this we were absolutely in love but just that little thing was enough to cause her to be less interested in sex, she was looking for more and more excuses and slowly the time between encounters kept increasing. I did not understand, i took it as though i was less desirable too her and that made me feel resentment, but the resentment was not the worst of it, because i am a Christian, i feel like i must be a bad person for resenting her this way. So i don't want to admit there is a problem and on we go with our lives and our lives are fantastic together apart from this.

Anyhow, after getting married we had 3 wonderful years together but the sex was down to once or twice a fourtnight. I tried very hard to be a gentlemen, but deep down the resentment was slowly growing. Meanwhile exactly the same thing was happening for her because i was not very attentive to her needs, helping doing chores, buying flowers, all the usual things well intentioned dumb guys usually screw up.

Then we had our daughter and it kind of put all that in the background. So after the first year with our daughter, my wife started sending me signals, she even told me a few times that she is not happy but i do not know how to respond? I tried to lift my game around the house, i tried very hard but my resentment held me back.

My wife was getting more and more disconnected to me romantically, she would get irritated if i gave her a random hug or kiss and she would say "not now, can't you see I'm busy". meanwhile in the 3 years after our Daughter was borne, we had sex only twice! I kept telling myself to be patient and give her her space, things will get better, i never once considered cheating, but underneath my resentment was getting stronger and louder until i did something quite horrid.... On our anniversary, (last October) she said to me that today is our anniversary, i said "oh really" then turned back to my computer and did nothing more about it. What i was thinking in my mind was very foolish, i was thinking "only lovers celebrate anniversaries and were not lovers, just good friends, so if she thinks I'm going to be romantic, she has got another thing coming".

So things were bad and neither of us put up our hand to say, 'stop' we need to do something about this, we just let it slide... Also with the busy lives and a young child, all the distractions make it very easy to forget/ignore there is a big growing problem underneath,,, and also i think that neither of us want to admit our bad feelings we want to try to deny them instead.

Then lastly we went on a holiday to the Philippines for 3 weeks and we met all her family and friends and it reminded her of who she used to be and all the dreams she used to have when she was young. Meanwhile i was Mr negative, complaining about this and that and not really enjoying myself at all (not all the time of course). So when we got back on the 9th of January, and she was feeling very sad about leaving all her friends behind, just by chance i got a cold and my nose was running like a tap, so she was left to do all the unpacking. When she finished, on the 11 of February, she told me it's over and has held absolute to that position since.

I tried telling her i am willing to do anything, i am completely open an honest about my failings too her, i will go to counseling, i will go and do a relationship course and learn how to be a better husband, i would even do a dance class!

She is not at all interested, and it even seems to annoy her that i am even bothering to try to save the marriage at all!
Also there is a 10 year age gap between us, and she has told me herself that i am not ambitious enough career wise, she wants to be able to travel and live her dreams, she wants a younger and more ambitious man than me (if she has not already found him).

So there you have it, the whole story.

I am so deeply saddened, imagine your best friend in the world and mother to your 3 year old child, the one who stood beside you and spoke vows of forever at your wedding comes along and says, "i don't want you anymore and i don't even think your worth the effort of trying".

This is killing me, i try to love, i try not to hate her, but what she is doing is just so cruel.
 
Last edited:
Jul 22, 2014
31
0
0
#7
Hi
Let's not judge anyone.
Have you tried Christian counselling?
best wishes
Firstaider
 

djness

Senior Member
May 16, 2014
500
13
18
#8
So what I get out of this is you are an older guy who never learned to do chores or basic things around the house or really just lift a finger to do much of anything and married a hot young phillipino in hopes of lots of sex.

You got a cold and you couldn't unpack a suitcase? You don't see how from what you've told us that any human being would be miserable living with you?

Heck if i was your roomate you would piss me off with what seems like a general lack of responsibility.

I can see how some of the responses side with you and lay the blame on her but from what I see you just were never really marriage material in the first place.

You could try praying and counseling , but I think mostly you need to just learn basic life skills. Otherwise you are just asking a woman to come back into your life as mom to a daughter and you..
 
Dec 18, 2013
6,733
43
0
#9
I have been thinking on this for about two days now. I am sorry your marriage is failing, too many do these days.

You say here you have a daughter. I cannot say whether your marriage can be saved or not. Therefore I think it best you do your best to focus on care for your daughter, and that will be what is best.
 

mystikmind

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2015
521
0
0
#10
So what I get out of this is you are an older guy who never learned to do chores or basic things around the house or really just lift a finger to do much of anything and married a hot young phillipino in hopes of lots of sex.

You got a cold and you couldn't unpack a suitcase? You don't see how from what you've told us that any human being would be miserable living with you?

Heck if i was your roomate you would piss me off with what seems like a general lack of responsibility.

I can see how some of the responses side with you and lay the blame on her but from what I see you just were never really marriage material in the first place.

You could try praying and counseling , but I think mostly you need to just learn basic life skills. Otherwise you are just asking a woman to come back into your life as mom to a daughter and you..
I appreciate negative posts as well, if that is what i need to hear, but your first paragraph couldn't be more wrong. I was not looking specifically for a Filipino, I was just a lonely person looking for love, and i met her in Australia, and she was already an Australian citizen.

but certainly i am not 'good' at jobs around the house, but i was always happy to help when asked, but She wanted me to help without being asked, which i did also, but i was even worse at that.

Clearly there are certain areas that make me 'non' marriage material, obviously or i would not be in this position, and because she is a good person as well.

All the good advice says the good starting point is to work on my relationship with God and the rest will follow, so that is what i am doing.
 

mystikmind

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2015
521
0
0
#11
Hi
Let's not judge anyone.
Have you tried Christian counselling?
best wishes
Firstaider
We have not done any marriage counseling at all, Christian or otherwise. We did 'go' to marriage counseling but my wife told them she is 100% not interested to save the marriage, so it turned into how to break up counseling.
 
Feb 18, 2015
48
1
0
#12
Good day brother.

I know this may be heart breaking for you. First of all I pray that you find strength in our Good Father. I have seen people who had no anchor in faith and got destroyed by such same situation. But this, I tell you. God created the family. It is the devil's desire to destroy that in each and every possible way, in little or big. If you read the whole chapter of 1st Corinthians 13, you will find that love is patient, not self-seeking, not keeping record of wrongs, always hopes, and a lot of other good things if you read the chapter. You may not have experienced it from her, I don't know, but that is what's supposed to happen if that was love.

If She is open for marriage after divorce, at most we should not violate Mathew 19:9. You should be Joyful (which you can ask from God). It is because you, in the bigger picture, have pleased God about sexual morality and His law. If she does not have another man, then ask God's guidance and help. This is all that us man can do best: point you to Jesus.

I hope that in your heart, that you desire to lead your child to God for these reasons - because God is love, and His love should cause you to care about your child, and that he commanded us to train a child the way they should go, and not keep the rod of direction away from them.

And most important of all, Love God above all.

Matthew 10:37 Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. -Jesus

I say these in the Love of our Father.
 

mystikmind

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2015
521
0
0
#13
Yes divorce is very destructive. Before i found this site i was looking for a men's support forum for men going through divorce. I found one, i get tears in my eyes just thinking about it, what i found there deeply shocked me, such pain and such darkness and such anger,,,,, sigh, i knew straight away i do not belong there, i thank God i am not there. Sometimes it is easy to forget how much pain and suffering there is in the world, happening all the time, all around us, and meanwhile God is witness to all of it, makes me feel ashamed to be a human being.

I always think of myself as not a good person, and how can i be a good person when my wife is divorcing me? Then i remember those men on the forum, and i remember all the other things going on in other relationships, even my own sister's marriage, and as much as my heart goes out to all those men, i feel relieved that i am not like them. Perhaps i am not such a bad person after all?
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
7,411
535
113
#14
Mystikmind,

If you are making every effort to fix whatever is wrong with the relationship, and your wife is determined to get a divorce, then there is really nothing you can do.

Also, if this is her attitude, and she has no "biblical grounds" for divorce (which would require that YOU had committed adultery) ... then what she is doing is very simply just "sin". That's all there is to it.

Maybe you've been a great husband, maybe you haven't, but if there aren't biblical grounds for divorce, and she's going to throw away the marriage, break up her family, and break her vows before God... that is a problem in HER heart, not a problem in YOURS.

Married Christians have problems every day, of all varieties, and they sort them out.
Divorce is just NOT a justified solution.
And the person leaving will ALWAYS try to blame it on the person they're divorcing... always.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

This is going to be very painful, for a very long time.
The closer you draw to God, the faster you will heal.
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
7,411
535
113
#15
I want to add one more thing, for anyone popping into this thread and curious about the cultural situation.

I can't see that this situation reflects in any way on Filipinos in general, or on their culture in general.
Every country has all kinds of people.

It sounds like the marriage had some problems, and instead of trying to work out those problems, the woman has chosen to just throw away the marriage. Although there are all kinds of people in the Philippines, this isn't the "typical" marriage view from Filipino culture. This is more typical of the way women think in Western culture. Since this woman has been in Australia a very long time... she is probably acting more like an Australian than a Filipino.
 
G

grebtrah

Guest
#16
Hello,

thanks for sharing your story with the ups and downs. Accept one thing, you did mistakes and she did mistakes. I recommend you in that case to fast 3 days and pray and read in that time often and spend time with God. Go not in the day and in the night to coffee house or to any other distraction. In my life i had some big blocking situations and i can tell you that when i did fast and pray God did show off his mighty power often to me and brought the solution, through people, through situation, he has his own ways. That's what i can recommend you.

About her. I do not know if she is a real believer in Jesus the Son of God or in God the Father. If she is and she hits you away in that way and wants to get divorced and Sin and Sin, tell her the Way of Hell is that. You should warn her cause of her Eternity. Do not look just on you (marriage case etc.). She is in danger with her doing. Let her know it. If she is not a real believer you can see it on her fruits exact than i am sorry for you. Be good Hope. God knows exact what is the best for you.

You got a big challenge. I call it Fire challenge. Discpline yourself and pray and fast and look how God the Champion Wins!

Take care. I feel for you and that situation. Be of good hope. Many man are much older than you and have a Filipina and many still are a good couple.

Be FREE in your Mind and Doing.

God bless your way.
 

mystikmind

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2015
521
0
0
#17
Hello,

thanks for sharing your story with the ups and downs. Accept one thing, you did mistakes and she did mistakes. I recommend you in that case to fast 3 days and pray and read in that time often and spend time with God. Go not in the day and in the night to coffee house or to any other distraction. In my life i had some big blocking situations and i can tell you that when i did fast and pray God did show off his mighty power often to me and brought the solution, through people, through situation, he has his own ways. That's what i can recommend you.

About her. I do not know if she is a real believer in Jesus the Son of God or in God the Father. If she is and she hits you away in that way and wants to get divorced and Sin and Sin, tell her the Way of Hell is that. You should warn her cause of her Eternity. Do not look just on you (marriage case etc.). She is in danger with her doing. Let her know it. If she is not a real believer you can see it on her fruits exact than i am sorry for you. Be good Hope. God knows exact what is the best for you.

You got a big challenge. I call it Fire challenge. Discpline yourself and pray and fast and look how God the Champion Wins!

Take care. I feel for you and that situation. Be of good hope. Many man are much older than you and have a Filipina and many still are a good couple.

Be FREE in your Mind and Doing.

God bless your way.
Thank you for that, in the first 4 weeks after she told me it was over, i did fast for 4 weeks, but not a real fast i suppose, i just felt sick to eat anything, i was that heart broken.

UPDATE:

Since all this happened, i have learnt many things and God has taught me many things as well. Primarily, what i have learnt, is that for most of my adult life up to this point i have lived with a feeling deep inside that i am not a good person. I went through some things when i was young that left these scars and although time heals all wounds, not everything was healed. This is the foundation of failure so to speak.

The way my wife behaved in the marriage, quite innocently really, just trying to get what she wanted from the relationship, but doing it in the worst possible ways and making me feel more and more worthless and losing all my motivation in life and becoming cynical and negative. So she had moved out and i was alone for about a month, then she came back to brow beat me into seeing some issue her way, suddenly i remembered how bad she always made me feel, and just one month apart and i already started feeling better. My eyes were opened that day, and i know now i never want to go back to that.

So the important lesson that i have learnt is to like myself and believe that i am worthy of love, from this i have a renewed self confidence and motivation in life, i feel an inner strength, i feel i could do anything! (not anything really, but it feels that way, lol). I have started meeting new people and doing new things, i have discovered that i am desirable, and if i wanted to, i could start dating again! Life is looking up for me, the sadness is in the past, i am looking to the future now.
 
Mar 1, 2013
176
1
0
#18
IMO - she needs to come to terms with the fact that now she has a daughter, her life is not as much about what she wants to do anymore, but putting her daughter first and doing the best for her. That is a daughter needs her father as much as well. It appears she has not come to acceptance of her life now, rather she is trying to escape it. Very sad to hear, sorry Brother :(
 

mystikmind

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2015
521
0
0
#19
IMO - she needs to come to terms with the fact that now she has a daughter, her life is not as much about what she wants to do anymore, but putting her daughter first and doing the best for her. That is a daughter needs her father as much as well. It appears she has not come to acceptance of her life now, rather she is trying to escape it. Very sad to hear, sorry Brother :(
Yes it is sad, and during this period she has been giving excuses to deny that i can keep my daughter overnight. It came to a head just this week when she finally came out and said it, she does not want me to keep her overnight, and apparently i don't feed her, so i could only see her in the morning on Saturday and bring her back by lunch time. It was terrible, my daughter was screaming when i tried to put her in the car to taker her back, she wanted to spend more time with her dad, she has never behaved like that before, i think she is getting deeply hurt by this, it breaks my heart..... it makes me feel a coldness to my ex that would freeze hell over, but i try not to keep negative thoughts, because negative thoughts no matter how justified will not help.

I do not really know what to do in this whole situation, but i have booked in to talk to family lawyer, and a Councillor, (and prayer), i will decide what to do after that.