want vs need

[Jullianna]

In my mind's eye I see the man I would like to share my life with. The man I want. But is he the man I NEED? Is he the man who is God's best for me? Seems to me that my "want" list is what causes me to become interested in a guy, but it is my "need" list that will ultimately determine whether or not that relationship works out. It is only today that God has shown me what that need list looks like.

I like intelligent guys with a great sense of humor. It gets my attention. If they love music, I'm even more interested.

BUT...

Looking back on past relationships, these are the things that ultimately determined whether it was going to work or not:

- What is he doing in this life to make a difference?
- I am a very strong woman, but there are times when I need someone to lean on. I need to know that he is going to REALLY be there for me, not just SAY it. I need to know that he has my back (and vice versa).
- If I look past the laughter and romance, what will I see? What makes him tick? Is there any depth in there or is what I'm looking at all there is?

I was watching a movie this morning while I was getting dressed. The guy speaking in the movie was a self-confessed jerk who was having an honest conversation with his adult son. He said something like this, "Your mother tried to look past what she saw to the man inside of me. Unfortunately, she found that man in someone else instead because what you are looking at is all there is of me."

This spoke to me. I don't want to have to reach in and drag who a guy truly is out of him. I want to catch glimpses of it in moments along the way. I want at least some transparency. I want intimate connection. If not, I'll keep looking for the guy who is making a difference/I can lean on/has actual depth, not just a few flowery words now and again. That's the guy I NEED in my life.

What about you? Are there any differences between what you think you want and what you actually might NEED?

 

[LightningClap0002]

In my mind's eye I see the man I would like to share my life with. The man I want. But is he the man I NEED? Is he the man who is God's best for me? Seems to me that my "want" list is what causes me to become interested in a guy, but it is my "need" list that will ultimately determine whether or not that relationship works out. It is only today that God has shown me what that need list looks like.

I like intelligent guys with a great sense of humor. It gets my attention. If they love music, I'm even more interested.

BUT...

Looking back on past relationships, these are the things that ultimately determined whether it was going to work or not:

- What is he doing in this life to make a difference?
- I am a very strong woman, but there are times when I need someone to lean on. I need to know that he is going to REALLY be there for me, not just SAY it. I need to know that he has my back (and vice versa).
- If I look past the laughter and romance, what will I see? What makes him tick? Is there any depth in there or is what I'm looking at all there is?

I was watching a movie this morning while I was getting dressed. The guy speaking in the movie was a self-confessed jerk who was having an honest conversation with his adult son. He said something like this, "Your mother tried to look past what she saw to the man inside of me. Unfortunately, she found that man in someone else instead because what you are looking at is all there is of me."

This spoke to me. I don't want to have to reach in and drag who a guy truly is out of him. I want to catch glimpses of it in moments along the way. I want at least some transparency. I want intimate connection. If not, I'll keep looking for the guy who is making a difference/I can lean on/has actual depth, not just a few flowery words now and again. That's the guy I NEED in my life.

What about you? Are there any differences between what you think you want and what you actually might NEED?

I think there is a huge and very apparent difference between what I want and what God knows I need. I have strongly attracted to women who were great christian ladies, but God pretty clearly told me no. But I'm left with a somewhat bad taste in my mouth; saying we NEED anything just sounds so....needy. :/

 

[Jullianna]

I think there is a huge and very apparent difference between what I want and what God knows I need. I have strongly attracted to women who were great christian ladies, but God pretty clearly told me no. But I'm left with a somewhat bad taste in my mouth; saying we NEED anything just sounds so....needy. :/

I want strawberry shortcake at the moment, but what I need to get me through the day is protein. Is that being needy or making wise choices?

 

[LightningClap0002]

I want strawberry shortcake at the moment, but what I need to get me through the day is protein. Is that being needy or making wise choices?

Allllll you neeeed is loooovvvveeeee.

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

I know I need a woman who is not afraid to communicate what she wants or what she is thinking/feeling. I hate having to always ask if something is wrong or how are you & then be shut out when clearly she has a problem. Above all else she has to be open...I don't even care if it takes a day for her to process what she's going through,but I need to know & I don't want to play games or be manipulated.
I like a woman that can be strong,but yet doesn't have to feel she needs to be to prove anything to me or to herself. (if that makes sense)
I want her to have her own relationship with God..not riding off the fumes of mine with Him.
I desire she brings 100% of herself to our relationship. People have bad days,I get that...but I want her to know that if she's feeling down or not complete,that I am there for her...liken unto Jesus. Don't shut me out. I am here to support & listen. I don't feel I need to always speak into her life. She has the same Holy Spirit as me.
I never want to be with someone,if I am ever to be with someone...that doesn't truly love me for me & love God with all their hearts. Maybe I am off on a tangent again...but that's what I feel I need. What I want,I hope lines up with what God wants...and hopefully my desires now are the same as his...but I am open to change & direction if he so chooses.

 

[MissCris]

Once upon a time, I tried to change my husband into the man I thought I wanted. I wanted him to pretty much let me be the boss, I wanted him to be softer towards others, I wanted him to boost my ego, I wanted him to pick up all the slack I was leaving.

Oh, such troubles.

Eventually though, he began to be the man I apparently need- one who is strong enough to handle me when I'm losing it, one who doesn't let much slide by, one who can see in others the things I always fail to see and protect me, one who doesn't boost my ego but loves me deeply and lets me know it.

Oh snap, my eyes are watering. Bye bye emotional thread...

 

[Liamson]

I am the same way. And I'm not talking about Christians vs. Non-Christians.

I've met women who wanted to be with me but, when I dug and dug at who they are and how they move or what they are passionate about, I never found anything.

Nothing moved them, what I saw was all there is to see. There was no expression, and no depth. They were a carefully manufactured image, with hopes of being Okay and Accepted. Which are two things I don't care about.


They could be Rich, or "sexy" or "Beautiful" or Popular or Witty. But that isn't what I NEED. What do I want? well, I want someone Smarter than me, someone tall, someone who likes adventures. But that isn't what I Need. I Need someone loyal. I need them to be understanding, compassionate, wise, and always learning.


I feel like I'm there for other people but I don't know what its like to have someone who is that way with me. well I shouldn't say that. I don't know how to keep them.

 

[zeroturbulence]

In my mind's eye I see the man I would like to share my life with. The man I want. But is he the man I NEED? Is he the man who is God's best for me? Seems to me that my "want" list is what causes me to become interested in a guy, but it is my "need" list that will ultimately determine whether or not that relationship works out. It is only today that God has shown me what that need list looks like.

I like intelligent guys with a great sense of humor. It gets my attention. If they love music, I'm even more interested.

BUT...

Looking back on past relationships, these are the things that ultimately determined whether it was going to work or not:

- What is he doing in this life to make a difference?
- I am a very strong woman, but there are times when I need someone to lean on. I need to know that he is going to REALLY be there for me, not just SAY it. I need to know that he has my back (and vice versa).
- If I look past the laughter and romance, what will I see? What makes him tick? Is there any depth in there or is what I'm looking at all there is?

I was watching a movie this morning while I was getting dressed. The guy speaking in the movie was a self-confessed jerk who was having an honest conversation with his adult son. He said something like this, "Your mother tried to look past what she saw to the man inside of me. Unfortunately, she found that man in someone else instead because what you are looking at is all there is of me."

This spoke to me. I don't want to have to reach in and drag who a guy truly is out of him. I want to catch glimpses of it in moments along the way. I want at least some transparency. I want intimate connection. If not, I'll keep looking for the guy who is making a difference/I can lean on/has actual depth, not just a few flowery words now and again. That's the guy I NEED in my life.

What about you? Are there any differences between what you think you want and what you actually might NEED?

Excellent post Jullianna!!

I think a lot of women probably make the same mistake that the woman in the movie made, judging by the divorce rate. I won't get into what I want or need because it would just be a waste of thread space. I'll just say that I know what I want and it should be all I'll ever need.

 

[BarlyGurl]

Good thread Julianna,

So me thinks today I will slightly more revealing than I normally am... sigh... looks furtively around the room...

For me, God has given me some very valuable lessons in "dating" relationships to get REAL CLEAR about what I am willing to accept and what I cannot tolerate. He gave me the opportunity to see certain types of marriages in a very intimate way so I could evaluate what KIND of marriage I wanted to have in the future... then he let me pine over my singleness for a while until I had it settled in my heart that I wanted HIM to do the relationship arranging for me... cuz what I NEED statistically might not look like what I want... ya know Ben and Jerry's or an egg white omlet?
I have concluded GOd moves pretty quickly when once you resolve to recieve his will for you. Thing is... I KNEW that from other areas of of life... it's just that marriage is such a big deal... and sorta scary... so I now sometimes feel silly to have taken so long to let God be GOd in this area of my life.
He can do exceedingly and abundantly more than we can think or ask... so let him!

 

[wisebeardman]

i got nothing...

 

[Jullianna]

i got nothing...

What happened to "what is this? I don't even know"??? I am so disappointed in you, Mister

 

[Jullianna]

Thanks for being so transparent, y'all. How can we be honest with other people if we can't even be honest with ourselves re: what we truly want/need out of a relationship.

P.S. Gabe, stop that. It would not be wasted space.

 

[LightningClap0002]

I was going to add this to my previous post, but ran out of time.

I really have given my relationship life to God. All I really want from a woman is someone who loves passionately and who's life is centered on God. Personality, quirks, vices... I really don't have any desires regarding these things. I've met many amazing women from all walks of life and with many personalities and strengths. I can only see myself getting married if my wants match up with God's direction; what a powerful and loving relationship that must be. Maybe I turned into a unicorn hunter? Stilly help me.

 

[Liamson]

I was going to add this to my previous post, but ran out of time.

I really have given my relationship life to God. All I really want from a woman is someone who loves passionately and who's life is centered on God. Personality, quirks, vices... I really don't have any desires regarding these things. I've met many amazing women from all walks of life and with many personalities and strengths. I can only see myself getting married if my wants match up with God's direction; what a powerful and loving relationship that must be. Maybe I turned into a unicorn hunter? Stilly help me.

No, Keep hunting Unicorns!

Trust me, the minute you quit hunting Unicorns, a Sea Dragon will swoop down and eat you.

Don't settle.

 

[BarlyGurl]

No, Keep hunting Unicorns!

Trust me, the minute you quit hunting Unicorns, a Sea Dragon will swoop down and eat you.

Don't settle.

Lol... nice ironic twist... funny and serious advice... good job!

 

[violakat]

I need a man, not a wuss. Not what I think a man is and what God thinks a man is maybe the same thing, two different things, or somewhere in between.

Jules, I think you and I have similar ideas as to what we desire in the men who are to be our husbands, with maybe a few exceptions.

 

[Shouryu]

I want strawberry shortcake at the moment, but what I need to get me through the day is protein. Is that being needy or making wise choices?

Eat it with a tall glass of non-fat milk...ta daaa! Wants and needs solved. Plus, milk is always great with dessert.

*sigh* You guys sure know how to push my buttons some days, I tell ya. Post some thread, and I read it, and I think, "Man. I think I have some things to say about that. But I have to wrap my brain around it first."

Then some where between 5 hours and a day or two later, I post a novel.

This thread that you've started, Jules, feels connected to this one:
http://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/63437-there-may-have-been-thousand-these.html

in so far as much as they ask us to consider the specific desires we have for a possible mate. Similarly, the running age thread is on the same lines, but very very specific in the singular trait. THIS thread, however, actually asks us to internally ask ourselves if what we want is truly in line for what God wants.

The grand catch of course, is that none of us knows God's plans and purposes.

As some of you may recall, I was very hesitant about posting my...preferences, if you will...primarily because I honestly fear a little bit of judgement, even though I shouldn't. Another reason, I will admit, is that were I to list my preferences, I worry that there are four or five women on this forum who might read the list and think, "That clown is describing me!" ...and I'm not. Or, maybe I am, but not purposefully...I have a lot in common with many of you here (women and men), which is why I like hanging out here with you guys, but I never want to have any of you feel like I'm...cozying up to someone. ANYWAYS, I digress. The point being...this is something that, for me, is a little uncomfortable talking about. Also, ending sentences with a preposition, that's uncomfortable, too.

We have faith that our Father will provide what we need, and sometimes, also what we want. But He, as provider, will always make sure that we have precisely what we need at any given moment, and no less. By this thought process, those of us who are single and in Jehovah's will right now...well, apparently, He thinks that we DON'T need someone. Or, He says that what we need is to not have someone, also. (I know those two sentences sound the same. They are not. Read them deliberately.) Now, don't get me wrong here; just because God has tasked that at this moment, we are not in need, that doesn't mean we are not free to seek - indeed, we may seek, I believe, so long as we remain in His will.

If we seek according to His will, then He will create a true need, and bring someone into our life to fill that need, and if we're smart and spiritual about it, and obedient, then we'll take the opportunity. Think of the old joke about the man in the ocean, praying for help, but keeps turning away rescue boats, because he believes God will save him. (When he dies, he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" and God says, "I sent three different boats!") I would like to believe that God will also give us what we want, again, so long as we are in His will.

Okay, so I'll play along now, and since this particular predilection is NOT new information to anyone here (and I promise, it is only coincidental that it happens to come up in a thread Jules started), I will throw out a "want." Not a particular vital one, but it its a want, nonetheless. I happen to be attracted to redheads. *dodges all the wadded-up paper balls being chucked at his head* Does this mean that if I am in His will, God will send me a redhead (and other things on my list)? If you recall, I wrote a few days ago that we deserve NOTHING except DEATH for our sins...so just the fact that He should send me ANYONE is a blessing of the highest order! Who am I to complain about her being a brunette or a blonde?

So what does this say about my wants? Do I only look for redheads, are they my only option, because I want that? No, because that's absurd. Especially because I live in El Paso. But, I should point out that a woman NOT being a redhead doesn't turn me off, so I'm not going to actively avoid women with locks of a different hue, just because I happen to prefer one over another. Just because it's not what I think I want doesn't mean it's not what I need, and it doesn't mean I that I won't realize, "Hey, she is what I wanted!"

(Quick note - when I used the terms turn on or turn on, I am not speaking from a sexual standpoint. Just another phrase to denote a preference or dislike.)

Now, are there things on the list of wants that are less negotiable? Absolutely. I have certain wants that...well, not having those wants would be a turn off. Quite frankly, I think there are certain traits, be they physical or mental or just personality quirks that would drive us nuts, or just make us unhappy. Perhaps they are things we learned we dislike from previous relationships, perhaps they're things we see in other people that we know we wouldn't want to live with. I would like to believe that the Lord wouldn't saddle us with that. If we are in His will, would He send just what we hate into our arms?

I'd like to think that He wouldn't.

But...what if He wanted to teach us something?


Chew on that one for a while. ^_^

 

[Jullianna]

Interesting post, Shouryu. I don't know about anyone else, but I have come to expect the unexpected from God. He has often blessed me with things I didn't even know I wanted. I truly believe that if we go about the dating process prayerfully and in a way that honors Him, the person we are eventually with will be both the person we didn't know we wanted or needed.

 

[wisebeardman]

What happened to "what is this? I don't even know"??? I am so disappointed in you, Mister

I use that sometimes.

 

[maxwel]

What kind of woman do I really need? Hmmmm.

I have great hope that God will be wiser than I am, lol.