New here...Need advice

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

R_O_B

Junior Member
Mar 7, 2018
2
0
0
#1
Hello to everyone...I am a 42 year old Christian man. I'm married and have to teenage daughters. They all have also accepted Christ. I guess you can say we are a normal family. Ok bottom line. Last night my oldest daughter...17... asked me if we could go down the the corner store a couple of minutes away from where we live because she had something to tell me. I said ok. I drove to the store parked and asked her what was up. She started crying... Telling me at the same time it was hard for her to tell me..I told her its ok just tell me. By that y heart was pounding so fast and fear came to me. So at a few minutes she gets the courage I guess and tells me. I want to tell you that I like both guys and girls....

As soon as I hear that I am in utter shock I stayed silent for I don't know how long at the same time I'm listening to her cry tellimg me I'm sorry.

I honestly didn't know what to say I just didn't . I was trying to make sense Asking myself what did I do wrong? Where did I fail?

She's sniffling and asking me, Are you mad at me?

I'm still silent and after a few I tell her I'm not mad at you I love you. But you know this is not from God. She tells me I know. She said she told my your daughter...16.. And that she had gotten very upset and kept telling her how sad that was. And that she told her you better tell Mom or I'm going to tell her. I think thats the reason my oldest confessed to me and I think she told me first and doesn't want to tell her mom is because my wife's approach is more dramatic. I know this will hurt my wife deeply. But I know I can't keep it from my wife. And I know I still have to talk to my daughter about this situation I just don't know how to go about it. I never expected to ever hear that from her. She will be graduating this year from high school and wants to attend college in another city far from where I live. Advice? Help.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,509
512
113
#2
Well, this section is for basic introductions so your responses may be limited. This is more fitting for the Family forums.

But as far as advice goes I'd say you have to decide what you're looking for on terms of an outcome. Chances of you persuading her out of this is pretty slim.
If you want to keep a relationship with her the best thing you can do is treat her normally. Rejection, attacks, criticisms, frequent discussions that are really preachy rants, etc... all tend to either cause such individuals to withdraw from their family, and often go deeper into the struggle, or feel such guilt and pressure they shut down or even kill themselves, a worst case scenario.
She's your daughter. No matter what choices she makes, what lifestyle she lives, mistakes, misunderstandings, experimenting, she's still your daughter. And should continue to be treated as such.
The more strongly you react the more likely she is to shot down or pull away. She'll close off communication with you.

Now I'm not suggesting ignore it. But blowing it into a huge deal, or making her feel your love is based on approval, will be damaging for her and your relationship.
Don't go out of your way to hide how you feel. But also don't go out of your way to constantly bring it up. Let her know you disapprove, but that it doesn't change how you feel about her.
Whether it's just a phase or a lifetime thing how you handle it will have an impact further down the road. Will she remember you as a spiritual man that stuck to his convictions but loved her unconditionally or will her memory of you be that of a pushy religious man whose love was based on doing what he thinks is right? It's up to you to set that.
 

joefizz

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2017
13,450
350
83
25
#3
Welcome here you can discuss with bible smart people and possibly make new friends,hope you like it here!
Also I know how you feel I've often thought on this circumstance if I had a child or particularly the liking the same gender deal,and actually it's not as strange as one might think.
Particularly television shows can be very "suggestive" or "confusing" I have watched many anime shows that make it all "normal like" and even gotten me to nearly "cry a little" even plain local television has the influence.
And I kind of see why,for one to be honest "anyone" whether male or female can look "so good" from make up or natural looks that one might have a sort of "crush" type feeling toward them.
Or simply "wanna be them",perhaps you should talk a little on just "how your daughter feels" as far as "what she thinks" a little more because it may be that she just finds both genders "attractive" in more of a "intrigue" fashion not necessarily "love".
As for your wife first figure out "what is going on" with your daughter more understandably,but even if you finally understand try to just let her know "what you can figure as far as you know" as if you only know a little so she won't go ballistic immediately,and like Ugly said treat your daughter "normally" any change could get her rebellious because to me it sounds like she's "emotional" and "dreading" talking to you and your wife,and it's possible someone's already "told her something hurtful".
So when you finally get a conference with your wife and daughter together,try to stress to your wife to let her "explain how she's feeling" and not "jump to conclusions".
And this is just my take on things not necessarily advice I'm totally confident in for I've yet to encounter this circumstance myself so it's not quite the same as "having experience".
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
22,498
1,119
113
63
#4
You can talk to your daughter about this but it may not do any good at this moment. By all means tell your wife about this. I have never been in this type of situation so I'm not qualified to offer advice but will only say that I have said a prayer for God to give you the right words and for your daughter to be receptive. As for college and where to attend this is probably her decision providing she is doing this on her own without your financial support. Hopefully, there will be those here that will be able to offer effective positive spiritual counsel and guidance. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,329
261
83
#5
I am sorry... I can't give you advice regarding your situation right now...I don't know also what I am going to do if I am in that kind of situation...I just prayed for you and your family...





God bless you and your family ❤ Welcome to CC ❤
 

Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,013
68
48
#6
Hello to everyone...I am a 42 year old Christian man. I'm married and have to teenage daughters. They all have also accepted Christ. I guess you can say we are a normal family. Ok bottom line. Last night my oldest daughter...17... asked me if we could go down the the corner store a couple of minutes away from where we live because she had something to tell me. I said ok. I drove to the store parked and asked her what was up. She started crying... Telling me at the same time it was hard for her to tell me..I told her its ok just tell me. By that y heart was pounding so fast and fear came to me. So at a few minutes she gets the courage I guess and tells me. I want to tell you that I like both guys and girls....

As soon as I hear that I am in utter shock I stayed silent for I don't know how long at the same time I'm listening to her cry tellimg me I'm sorry.

I honestly didn't know what to say I just didn't . I was trying to make sense Asking myself what did I do wrong? Where did I fail?

She's sniffling and asking me, Are you mad at me?

I'm still silent and after a few I tell her I'm not mad at you I love you. But you know this is not from God. She tells me I know. She said she told my your daughter...16.. And that she had gotten very upset and kept telling her how sad that was. And that she told her you better tell Mom or I'm going to tell her. I think thats the reason my oldest confessed to me and I think she told me first and doesn't want to tell her mom is because my wife's approach is more dramatic. I know this will hurt my wife deeply. But I know I can't keep it from my wife. And I know I still have to talk to my daughter about this situation I just don't know how to go about it. I never expected to ever hear that from her. She will be graduating this year from high school and wants to attend college in another city far from where I live. Advice? Help.
My daughter went through the same thing. Went to her dad then me. I was not surprised and I didn't act surprised. I used it as a means of telling her she should never be afraid to come to me or fear telling me anything. Just like our Heavenly Father wants us to love Him enough to pour our hearts out to Him.
My daughter considers herself a lesbian. I consider her my daughter...and my job as her mom is to love her unconditionally.
I don't have to support what she does...but I have to love her...I want to love her...and she needs that. My faith and trust is that my Almighty God knows how to handle the rest!
 

Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,013
68
48
#7
It's really not easy for our kids these days. It shows a great deal of love and trust that she came to you at all. Let alone fearing rejection from you. (Tears)
So perhaps you should pray about how to approach your wife, then both of you pray about speaking to your other daughter about how God wants you to handle this as her family. Then all sit down and as the leader of your family...talk together.
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
4,885
407
83
#9
Hello to everyone...I am a 42 year old Christian man. I'm married and have to teenage daughters. They all have also accepted Christ. I guess you can say we are a normal family. Ok bottom line. Last night my oldest daughter...17... asked me if we could go down the the corner store a couple of minutes away from where we live because she had something to tell me. I said ok. I drove to the store parked and asked her what was up. She started crying... Telling me at the same time it was hard for her to tell me..I told her its ok just tell me. By that y heart was pounding so fast and fear came to me. So at a few minutes she gets the courage I guess and tells me. I want to tell you that I like both guys and girls....

As soon as I hear that I am in utter shock I stayed silent for I don't know how long at the same time I'm listening to her cry tellimg me I'm sorry.

I honestly didn't know what to say I just didn't . I was trying to make sense Asking myself what did I do wrong? Where did I fail?

She's sniffling and asking me, Are you mad at me?

I'm still silent and after a few I tell her I'm not mad at you I love you. But you know this is not from God. She tells me I know. She said she told my your daughter...16.. And that she had gotten very upset and kept telling her how sad that was. And that she told her you better tell Mom or I'm going to tell her. I think thats the reason my oldest confessed to me and I think she told me first and doesn't want to tell her mom is because my wife's approach is more dramatic. I know this will hurt my wife deeply. But I know I can't keep it from my wife. And I know I still have to talk to my daughter about this situation I just don't know how to go about it. I never expected to ever hear that from her. She will be graduating this year from high school and wants to attend college in another city far from where I live. Advice? Help.
I'm sorry your family is going through this. I can tell you the conversation I had with the daughter (19) of parents that are in a Bible study group I lead. They also have spoken to her many times, but it usually degrades into unproductive arguing. So they asked if I would talk to her, and she was receptive to speak with me.
I'm not saying I solved forever this situation, but I'm told it helped.

I first asked her what she thought the definition was of a Christian. To my surprise, she didn't give the answer many give, which is someone who follows Jesus Christ. Of course in one sense that is right, but the very essence of a Christian is one who has heard the Gospel, accepted it and Jesus, and has been born again. This is correctly what she said.

I asked this because I firmly believe that those who have been born again, and have the Holy Spirit in them, will be guided and transformed into the likeness of Jesus. For most, this is not an instantaneous event, and we have to endure much learning and correction from Him. If she wasn't born again there really was no sense trying to talk about sinful desires. But I believe she was born again.

So then I talked about MY sinful desires, and how I'm pretty certain I was "born with" those lustful desires as Scripture clearly states we have ALL sinned and come short of the Glory of God.

I didn't try to dissuade her from thinking her homosexual desires didn't really exist, or that she was less loved by God or us because she had them, only that EVERYONE has illicit sinful desires and that's why we ALL need Jesus. I brought it back to MY sinful desires and said, So I can act on those lustful desires, or I can daily renew my mind and capture each thought and give them to Jesus. I'd like to say I'm always successful in doing that, but I fail sometimes.

And that is what I would counsel to you. To acknowledge that the desires are sinful, but that Jesus loves her anyway and will help her overcome. OVERCOMING does NOT necessarily mean she will not have these feelings again, only that He is there when they do come. She should also know that love should NEVER be contingent on acceptance, and that although your love for her will never diminish, neither will your belief in giving sin over to Him.

May God Bless and keep you.
 
Feb 10, 2018
41
0
0
#11
Rob we are all tempted in different ways and I know she can overcame by Faith, by the Spirit but she has to truly understand and see how evil and unholy it is and personally want to overcome it/put it to death. She needs to cut off anything that’s feeding it. Make sure your wife simply loves on her but tells your daughter that the Lord has allowed this temptation to come to her and this is a major test and it’s about who she loves more, Christ who died for her or herself.
 
Feb 10, 2018
41
0
0
#12
This should keep her dependent upon Christ and that’s where God wants her.
One thing PennEd said that I want to reiterate on... As she goes to the Lord the sinful desire will diminish, but that doesn’t mean the sinful desire will never arise again. It could be a temptation in her life that she may have to deal with for a while. The tempter will come. Read Genesis 3 to her and Matthew 4 and Jesus in Gethsemane and the cross and tell her that He did that for her so that she could overcome through Him and be with Him forever one day. Amen
 

LookUp1430

Junior Member
Jul 7, 2017
22
0
0
#14
This is a tough one. Thank you for not blowing up at her. I think you handled the situation appropriately because the last thing you want to do is create a wall between the two of you. Maybe a talk with your pastor would go a long way? With society today placing so much emphasis on what it sees as the "importance" of defining oneself by with whom he or she chooses to have sexual relationships, this can be a very confusing and gut wrenching situation. As Christians, we should define ourselves as followers of Christ, and not define ourselves as someone attracted to x or y. As long as we keep Christ in the center of our lives, He will help us get through these kinds of tough situations. If you don't have a pastor to talk to, maybe a conversation with your daughter along these lines might be beneficial in helping her see the importance of defining herself as a follower of Christ.