third time is not a charm, its solitary confinement!

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woman63

Junior Member
Nov 6, 2017
16
0
0
#1
Okay,I am new to this. I am really just reaching out for human interaction along with spiritual guidance. I married a man who is not a practicing Christian. I married him for fleshly reasons. He is not a mean man. He is helpful around the house. He is not physically or verbally abusive. He is mildly affectionate. This might seem like the dumbest comment on line but here goes...we do not talk in a way that expresses our individual thoughts or perspectives on anything. He may intitiate conversation about the weather, paying bills, what he wants for dinner, lets go to the gym. There is literally no other conversation about anything else. He is not emotionally, sexually, spiritually, intellectually, available to me. There is literally no intimacy on any of those levels. He is taking medication for psychosis, which came about after we were dating for 3 years. This is my 3rd marriage. I know that I made a terrible mistake marrying him. I found out about the psychosis and a few other things I did not know about him before we got married, but I did not have the heart to break up with him when he was with out a job and no medical insurance and no one to help him. I literally thought if I got him help, and when he got better and realized he didn't want to be together, I would just divorce him. But deep down inside, I wanted to be married and wanted it to be a good relationship between us. Now I am so lonely on all those above levels. I don't want to divorce again. I have made mistakes with marriage all my life. Started from childhood, and not having a healthy relationship with my father. I am praying and asking God to please help me find a way with in the marriage to have some quality of life while married to him, in light of the fact that I realize I am the one who made the mistake. I want to make that clear because I know people may think I made my bed now I must lie in it. But at 55, I may still have one or two decades of life left.....any suggestions on how to live that life not watching the clock just tick away, while I feel every second of misery?
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
22,924
1,480
113
63
Florida
#2
Sorry that the third time is not the charm. I'm on my third marriage also. The first ended in divorce, the second in death. The woman that I'm married to now is a wonderful person. My second wife was also but like I said, she has passed away.

The question to ask yourself is that do you love him and does he love you. If you are financially able to perhaps you could separate for a season giving yourselves both time to contemplate on what is really important to you.

It does seem to me that you married this guy to hoping to find the happiness that seemed to be missing in your life. You may not find happiness in this life but you can find joy in the Lord and what He provides.

There are others here in similar situations so please know that your not alone. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 
A

Amazing-Grace

Guest
#3
Okay,I am new to this. I am really just reaching out for human interaction along with spiritual guidance. I married a man who is not a practicing Christian. I married him for fleshly reasons. He is not a mean man. He is helpful around the house. He is not physically or verbally abusive. He is mildly affectionate. This might seem like the dumbest comment on line but here goes...we do not talk in a way that expresses our individual thoughts or perspectives on anything. He may intitiate conversation about the weather, paying bills, what he wants for dinner, lets go to the gym. There is literally no other conversation about anything else. He is not emotionally, sexually, spiritually, intellectually, available to me. There is literally no intimacy on any of those levels. He is taking medication for psychosis, which came about after we were dating for 3 years. This is my 3rd marriage. I know that I made a terrible mistake marrying him. I found out about the psychosis and a few other things I did not know about him before we got married, but I did not have the heart to break up with him when he was with out a job and no medical insurance and no one to help him. I literally thought if I got him help, and when he got better and realized he didn't want to be together, I would just divorce him. But deep down inside, I wanted to be married and wanted it to be a good relationship between us. Now I am so lonely on all those above levels. I don't want to divorce again. I have made mistakes with marriage all my life. Started from childhood, and not having a healthy relationship with my father. I am praying and asking God to please help me find a way with in the marriage to have some quality of life while married to him, in light of the fact that I realize I am the one who made the mistake. I want to make that clear because I know people may think I made my bed now I must lie in it. But at 55, I may still have one or two decades of life left.....any suggestions on how to live that life not watching the clock just tick away, while I feel every second of misery?
Everyone makes mistakes, none of us is perfect and this is why Jesus had to die to save us, it is because of that very thing that we can receive forgiveness. People love to judge but they are also imperfect, they may have good marriages but they fail elsewhere. God is the only one fit to judge you, me and everyone else.

There is no doubt that marriage is hard but if your husband knows Jesus you are halfway there because bringing God into your marriage will have a positive affect. Regardless, give your problems, hopes and fears to God, He is big enough. Cast all your anxieties on Him for He cares for you 1 Peter 5:7. As tourist says, there are many here in similar situations, struggling with marriage for various reasons but trusting in The Lord to help them through it. You aren't alone for He walks with you. Blessings to you sister.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,395
397
83
#4
Excluding death, maybe people have multiple marriages, because they think marriage is about happiness, rather than what it's supposed to be..... holy.
 

woman63

Junior Member
Nov 6, 2017
16
0
0
#5
I am sorry I did not understand marriage. My parents stayed married for 58 years until my dads death this ;past September. They never demonstrated any love between them; never saw them laugh or talk together. He was physically abusive a few times, and verbally abusive many times. I got a view of marriage that was not happy or holy. But let me also add, I never took money from my previous husbands (alimony). I never even took child support for the first six years after I divorce my first husband the father of my children. I tried to keep the kids involved with their dad and encourage their love for him. My second husband has been sick for a few years, and I have also tried to help him, grocery shop for him; visit him on a regular basis. Yes, I messed up 3 times. I did not understand marriage.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,395
397
83
#7
Everything you need to know is in the bible.

The Pharisees went to Jesus, testing him about divorce. Jesus replied "Have you not read?"
When I read that, it was the most powerful, and convicting words, I had ever seen.
 
A

Amazing-Grace

Guest
#8
Excluding death, maybe people have multiple marriages, because they think marriage is about happiness, rather than what it's supposed to be..... holy.
With respect, marriage cannot be Holy if God isn't in the marriage due to one being an unbeliever. We live in an imperfect world. I'm sure this lady feels bad enough without guilt being heaped upon her.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,395
397
83
#10
With respect, marriage cannot be Holy if God isn't in the marriage due to one being an unbeliever. We live in an imperfect world. I'm sure this lady feels bad enough without guilt being heaped upon her.
Blah blah blah.

Woman came here for human interaction, spiritual guidance, and suggestions.

What I write is just as valid as your post.
 
A

Amazing-Grace

Guest
#11
Blah blah blah.

Woman came here for human interaction, spiritual guidance, and suggestions.

What I write is just as valid as your post.
Blah blah blah??? Somewhat immature of you isn't it? Did I say your post was invalid? What a strange response...
 

woman63

Junior Member
Nov 6, 2017
16
0
0
#12
thank you for your support; I am going to love him today. At the end of the day, when the house gets quiet, my husband is in bed, I think about God and talk with him; I will research how to listen to the holy spirit. I am hoping to die soon, but I wont do it to myself of course. I am just hoping I can have a relationship with God and maybe I will get to be with him and know unending love and approval.
 

woman63

Junior Member
Nov 6, 2017
16
0
0
#13
Thank you! thank you for caring. I do feel like crap. I am embarresed because I made a mess of my life, and my childrens thru my actions. I should have never gotten married or had children. I am, and was, no messed up. But I have really tried to be good to my ex husbands, respectful and caring. I am not vengeful or spiteful to others, just to myself.
 
A

Amazing-Grace

Guest
#14
Thank you! thank you for caring. I do feel like crap. I am embarresed because I made a mess of my life, and my childrens thru my actions. I should have never gotten married or had children. I am, and was, no messed up. But I have really tried to be good to my ex husbands, respectful and caring. I am not vengeful or spiteful to others, just to myself.
I have had similar issues so you are not alone. If you would like to talk more on a one-to-one it may be better for you to private message me.

You have shown that you want to do right by God and that can only be a good thing but please don't beat yourself up about what has gone before. God doesn't want us to look back but to keep moving forward. Living with regret is not Biblical. Do not even think about dying - you have years to live in which to grow closer to God and to mature in Him. God will take you when He is good and ready, until then try to enjoy life and be thankful for all God has blessed you with - your children are a blessing I'm sure.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,395
397
83
#15
Blah blah blah??? Somewhat immature of you isn't it? Did I say your post was invalid? What a strange response...
I didn't heap guilt upon her.

What I will not do, is imply faith in God removes all consequence. It doesn't.
 

woman63

Junior Member
Nov 6, 2017
16
0
0
#16
After I read your response, I felt stupid. I didn't make a good choice. I got married at 22. I had never had a boyfriend previous to that. I disliked myself ever since I was a child. I married to feel I mattered to someone. after I read your response, I thought maybe this is Gods punishment for my stupidity. I don't ask God to change my husband. I will not divorce again. I just want Gods help to not bother my husband, to take care of my emotional needs, to cry in private so he wont know I am struggling. I have made so many mistakes. I know that. I didn't expect gifts or money ( I have a masters degree and am a college instructor so I am able to financially support myself) I just wanted intimacy. sharing joys and sorrows; being each others greatest ally. I guess I am just so dumb about so much.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,648
627
113
#17
Okay,I am new to this. I am really just reaching out for human interaction along with spiritual guidance. I married a man who is not a practicing Christian. I married him for fleshly reasons. He is not a mean man. He is helpful around the house. He is not physically or verbally abusive. He is mildly affectionate. This might seem like the dumbest comment on line but here goes...we do not talk in a way that expresses our individual thoughts or perspectives on anything. He may intitiate conversation about the weather, paying bills, what he wants for dinner, lets go to the gym. There is literally no other conversation about anything else. He is not emotionally, sexually, spiritually, intellectually, available to me. There is literally no intimacy on any of those levels. He is taking medication for psychosis, which came about after we were dating for 3 years. This is my 3rd marriage. I know that I made a terrible mistake marrying him. I found out about the psychosis and a few other things I did not know about him before we got married, but I did not have the heart to break up with him when he was with out a job and no medical insurance and no one to help him. I literally thought if I got him help, and when he got better and realized he didn't want to be together, I would just divorce him. But deep down inside, I wanted to be married and wanted it to be a good relationship between us. Now I am so lonely on all those above levels. I don't want to divorce again. I have made mistakes with marriage all my life. Started from childhood, and not having a healthy relationship with my father. I am praying and asking God to please help me find a way with in the marriage to have some quality of life while married to him, in light of the fact that I realize I am the one who made the mistake. I want to make that clear because I know people may think I made my bed now I must lie in it. But at 55, I may still have one or two decades of life left.....any suggestions on how to live that life not watching the clock just tick away, while I feel every second of misery?
You need some paragraphs. Difficult to read a wall of text.

But statistics show the more people marry the higher chance of failure with each marriage. Mostly people seem to blame divorce on the other spouse. But even in cases where that is true people don't acknowledge the mistakes they made. Or the mistakes they made in who they Choose.
People also ignore red flags. Rarely is a person's behavior so well hidden that it isn't revealed before marriage. It's just that people tend to not acknowledge it. Which calls into question how much blame actually goes into the "bad" spouse.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,395
397
83
#18
After I read your response, I felt stupid. I didn't make a good choice. I got married at 22. I had never had a boyfriend previous to that. I disliked myself ever since I was a child. I married to feel I mattered to someone. after I read your response, I thought maybe this is Gods punishment for my stupidity. I don't ask God to change my husband. I will not divorce again. I just want Gods help to not bother my husband, to take care of my emotional needs, to cry in private so he wont know I am struggling. I have made so many mistakes. I know that. I didn't expect gifts or money ( I have a masters degree and am a college instructor so I am able to financially support myself) I just wanted intimacy. sharing joys and sorrows; being each others greatest ally. I guess I am just so dumb about so much.
Oh no, I see. You didn't like yourself. I know all about that. I've wished to never had existed since I can remember. I just had to learn not to make it anyone else's problem. I just had to learn that my happiness, is only for me to make. No one can make me happy, and I can't make anyone else happy. I'm pretty sure God will not use his devine power to make anyone happy either.

Dennis Prager, a good Jewish radio show personality, once said; " If you act happy, eventually, you'll become happy." I'm still working on it, but there is something to it.

Why don't you work on that, maybe you'll see your husband differently.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
6,395
397
83
#19
You need some paragraphs. Difficult to read a wall of text.

But statistics show the more people marry the higher chance of failure with each marriage. Mostly people seem to blame divorce on the other spouse. But even in cases where that is true people don't acknowledge the mistakes they made. Or the mistakes they made in who they Choose.
People also ignore red flags. Rarely is a person's behavior so well hidden that it isn't revealed before marriage. It's just that people tend to not acknowledge it. Which calls into question how much blame actually goes into the "bad" spouse.
Hahaha. My former prodigal wife, once told me, I had changed after we got married. I did not, she just had to live with me all the time. I could have said the same about her, but I had already figured, things would be different when we had to share everything.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
22,924
1,480
113
63
Florida
#20
thank you for your support; I am going to love him today. At the end of the day, when the house gets quiet, my husband is in bed, I think about God and talk with him; I will research how to listen to the holy spirit. I am hoping to die soon, but I wont do it to myself of course. I am just hoping I can have a relationship with God and maybe I will get to be with him and know unending love and approval.
I understand that life is difficult for you at this moment but with God this can change in a twinkling of an eye. You should not hope to die soon because at this moment life is hard to face. Believe me, if you were to die you would be sorely missed as I'm sure that you are loved. I pray that God gives you the courage and the strength to face the present trial with His blessed assured hope that a dramatic positive improvement in your quality of life is just around the corner. God certainly loves you and approves you for the creation that you are.