My "Perfect Wife" had an affair.

You do know what is wrong with that statement, right?

If you divorce, then you haven't forgiven.

no you can forgive like someone who murdered you child but they still have to pay the consequences (jail) where i agree they need to go. or my wife divorced me, i forgive but will never trust or talk to her again. shes causes damage with her choices. maybe i'm saying it wrong.

To forgive someone is to no longer hold them in contempt for something they did. What you are proposing is like Christ saying He forgives us for our sins, but we still have to go to hell to pay for them. No, when He forgives us He no longer imposes the penalty for that which we are being forgiven for. You want to forgive and yet still impose the penalty. That's not Godly.

what you're saying isn't true, otherwise there would have never have been the option of divorce given by God because of infidelity.

Forgiveness means not holding bitterness and anger towards someone, not that the other person never suffers any consequences for their actions.

How many times must infidelity be forgiven with no consequences, 1, 10, 50 times? Must partners suffer multiple times being cheated on, but as long as the partner expresses remorse then the other partner must forgive and forget and take them back. You are twisting the forgive "70 times 7" theology


This mentality of "save the marriage at all costs" mentality is wrong and even very destructive, i've even read stories of people being told to go home and forgive their abusive partners and not walk out of there. Truly evil in fact to do that.

Let´s say you are 46... Weren´t you attending your wife SEXUALLY?

If she told you that (a thing I disbelive) that hurt me and I cannot imagine how it hurts you.

Why would a Christina wife do a thing like that? (just thinking, becasue I DON´T WNAT TO KNOW WHY).

i´M SORRY

God gave them/us divorce because He knows we're unforgiving. If you're forgiving, divorce isn't necessary.

Not a believer in 70 times 7? Ok, how 'bout this: you can stop forgiving others when Jesus stops forgiving you.

Marriage at all costs is not right. If the adultery and/or abuse is ongoing and the adulterer/abuser doesn't want forgiveness, then by all means separate yourself from that. And I don't mean feigned forgiveness, the abuser has to confess and repent. But if your spouse confesses and repents, I go back to paragraph 2:

You can stop forgiving and expel your bride when God does.

This is really my view on the matter currently. To me, this isn't just a matter of the heart. It is a matter of health as well. I have been with a cheating partner before and If my wife cheated on me I would wonder if I was contracting HIV every time we were to have sex afterward cause who knows what she has been doing behind my back, or even what her personality is really like when I'm not around. You can forgive someone in the heart for cheating on you but logically you must understand that from now on you're playing Russian roulette with your health.

Now on to OP. Why exactly was she texting this dude for months???? How does she even know this guy from another state? Sounds to me like she was looking for this to happen (The cheating, not the repercussions). Here's the thing man. Any woman who will go out of her way to flirt with some dude from another state isn't a "perfect" wife. Idk your wife and I'm not going to pretend to, but don't get manipulated. I don't buy the "I had a moment of clarity WHILE things were already happening" story, and I personally don't believe she pushed him off of her. But again, I don't know your wife. If I were you I would contact this other dude and get HIS version of the story. Don't text him or message him out of anger, let him know that you aren't mad and just sincerely want to know what happened. Don't let your wife text him or message him to collaborate her story with him before you find out the truth. He will have no other reason to lie to you.

cmarieh said:

If they began flirting back and forth for a while it could be that she didn't know how to make it stop and could have felt guilt from the very beginning. And she could have subconsciously told this man that she was going to be at home while you were out of the house and he took advantage of that and came on to her. I am not saying that she is innocent here, but men do have a lot of power over women

Click to expand...

Usually to stop texting someone you just don't move your thumbs And men don't have any power over women.

well it's very easy to have a pious attitude about telling other people to have unconditional repeated forgiveness about situations you haven't gone through.

This is a difficult situation to be in. Even though you struggle with highs and lows which are normal, does part of your life remain stable? Work is one thing that is on my mind. There are guidelines that help keep things stable for you and the people you work with. Do you have friends you share activities with like fishing, archery, football etc? Are there children in your family? "As you speak, don't you also learn?" is a phrase I use as a necessary reminder to me so I don't get stuck in a chair with too much to dwell on. Being strong christians is an earned title. There is no strength without the testing of the things that seem right to you. That is a necessary observation in secular terms, because you and your wife are human. There will always be a testing of your faith. Yes, I am a stranger to you, but I am interested. I asked my oldest son who struggles with alcohol, "What is the most dangerous thing in your life?" He said, "Drinking." I told him, "No, the most dangerous thing that could happen in your life is to lose your faith." He wept. I told him, "I have nothing against you." It was important for him to know that his dad loves him. You are not alone when you ask for help.

I'm sorry, I'm not meaning to sound pious. Just stating the facts. Sorry they bother you.

How do you know what I have and haven't gone thru? Blind assumptions like that are what leads you to error.

I don't believe you should feel sorry for the things that seem right to you, and each one of us. I think it is important that every contribution needs to be heard, no matter how right or how wrong it might seem to anyone else. It seems to me, no matter how right or how wrong the assumption; sc81 has experienced life in such a way as to respond in a manner contrary to how you are responding. You both have 'your best intention' in hand. What both of you expressed is exactly the swings this thread is based on. It's a torment looking for a place to have a meltdown.

you must be joking she told you what happen and you trust that. i wouldn't believe anything the woman said she cheated on you for who knows how long. she gave out your address had sex with some dude in your bed id dump her on the spot and move on.

Pick a verse from scripture and focus on it whenever the visuals pop up in your mind.

An exercise program can also help.

You'll be dealing with those visuals for a while though, and so will your wife. It is not unfair for you to communicate to her the continual pain that you are in because of her actions. It is possible to salvage a marriage after an affair, but there is a great deal of pain involved for both parties.

Hi

I think I can help you to lose the mental images - aka flashbacks.
Lots of people have flashbacks to a point of trauma, and lots of born again believers have indeed been pulled out of astonishingly gross situation by God Himself. So take heart that you are never alone with your flashbacks. And take heart also, that many many others live with flashbacks every day of their lives....little children...rape victims.....victims of crime too hideous to mention.

When I have flashbacks, and they used to be very frequent before I was saved and born again into Christ, I didnt know what to do with them - before I was saved.
But after i was saved, I immediately had a tool courtesy of the grace of God.....and this is how I used the gracious tool

The flashback comes.....I say out loud "SATAN BE GONE. GET BEHIND ME! In Jesus name BE GONE! Lord please keep that from my mind. Take it from me, in Jesus name....Anyway, eventually, I noticed the flashbacks had faded...and now i hardly ever get them....certainly dont feel the hurt of it any more. All glory to God

And you know, Gods weapons and tools are so mighty and powerful that if I ever have the flashback nowadays, I can and do laugh at it because now I know that I am His beloved, and satan cannot touch my life...he can try, but the God in me is far stronger and far more loving than any ugly reminder that the evil one might try and put in my way....Knowng this about God and His ways, has allowed me to overcome.

He is awesome. He loves you. He loves your wife. He cannot love either of you any more than He already does.
Both of you might want to focus on God and His love. His love that saved your marriage, and is right now giving you both a renewal of heart and mind.
Let Him bring you heaven into your hearts, and enjoy the renewal and refreshing of your beautiful union of souls - your marriage.

And be aware that your anger is not of God, and please seek the opposite fruit of the spirit to overcome your anger - and that would be love joy and peace - in fact all of Galatians 5:22. God will not want you to be angry. He will be wanting you to forgive in loving kindness, with both of you seeking him for your futures with Him.

The Lords prayer will also be an appropriate prayer to say out loud with each other as you stand before your Heavenly Father.

Be blessed beloved, and have joy and peace and love everywhere you are.

All will be overcome, because He loves you both, and wants you to overcome both of your different temptations here. He is uniting you for His purpose. Seek Him together and you will see Him, lifting you both up and loving you both.

His love for you both will overcome everything - you just need to move forward - run forward even, in complete and utter faith in your Heavenly Father. He has plans for you, but first you both needed to have something to overcome. So overcome, and rejoice. There is something amazing awaiting you...together...in Christ.

Thankyou Father for your blessings of favour in this marriage of heavenly union and reunion. Let them rejoice in your everlasting favour of forgivness and abounding love rekindled. Strength in the renewal. Strength Strength Strength, and Love Love Love Love Love

Thankyou Father for the blessing You have made them to each other. Thankyou Father Thankyou Father Thankyou Father.
In Jesus mighty name. Amen

God bless you both indeed. You are His beloveds!

THe mental images are a two fold result... 1) something offensive happened and you are hurt/offended 2)It recurs because you have not entirely dealt with.
#1 is NORMAL human emotions and that is perfectly FINE.... it was what we do with the emotions which erupt from the issue that matters.

#2 is also "normal" process of things... God want to help you and for you to choose his way.... while the enemy wants you to NOT choose God's way.

You have already chose to forgive her <which by the way is, H-U-G-E and I hope you let her read this and it sinks in DEEP how much you not only love her but desire to follow God>. Sometimes we need an actual process to help us along. The "satan be gone" <above post> is good but so is driving a stake... you can go out in the backyard or the woods or whatever.... and DRIVE A STAKE in the ground... what is the stake? The stake is your WILL and your FORGIVENESS driven into the ground... every time you strike a blow to the stake, you affirm, I forgive, I have forgiven, right here, NOW, I will not pick up nor entertain thoughts which are counter to forgiveness because I have FORGIVEN... in the name of jesus amen. Now later when the devil comes trying to resurrect the issue by tormenting you and you are having trouble getting a grip.... go out to the stake and say "IN the name of Jesus, it HAS BEEN forgiven" eventually... you will not need the stake and be able to pull it up and burn it. but the forgiveness is your issue... it isn't forgiveness is a NO take backs thing... that is what God expects you to do but the devil wants you not to.... you will struggle for a little while... it will build your character by spiritual integrity.

The Grounds for Divorce
The only New Testament grounds for divorce are sexual sin or desertion by an unbeliever. The first is found in Jesus’ use of the Greek word porneia (Matt. 5:32; 19:9). This is a general term that encompasses sexual sin such as adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, and incest. When one partner violates the unity and intimacy of a marriage by sexual sin—and forsakes his or her covenant obligation—the faithful partner is placed in an extremely difficult situation. After all means are exhausted to bring the sinning partner to repentance, the Bible permits release for the faithful partner through divorce (Matt. 5:32; 1 Cor. 7:15).

Really sorry what you went through. You were allowed to divorce her if you wanted according to Jesus himself. But Jesus gave you a lot of chances, so you could consider to give her another chance as well. Your wife did good in at least confessing it to you. You can imagine man being Jesus and wife being us Christians, as Paul in the Bible said. You here acted like Jesus, and she acted like the Christians. Well done.

Correction: "IF you divorce...it could be due to the fact that forgiveness was not extended back to YOU!

Okay....a former pastor friend of mine told me this story: He knew a man who went to a state prison to share CHRIST and witness to two inmates on death row. They had tortured and murdered an older lady. The two inmates did accept JESUS as their Savior. Yes, they still had to pay for their crime and were executed at a later date. The Christian man who shared JESUS with them is now deceased and in heaven. The two inmates are in heaven. THe lady murdered is in heaven and they are all rejoicing together. So what is the connection? The man responsible for obeying the holy spirit and sharing CHRIST with the two inmates, winning them over to HIM..was the son of the murdered lady. True story!!!!!!

Keep in mind the op made 2 posts in May and hasn't been back since.