Teenage son... need someone in the trenches

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Aug 20, 2018
5
1
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#1
Recently we found out that our son has been lying to us and sleeping with girls for years, smoking a vape and other materials not allowed in our home. He was doing very poorly in school as well so that we had to withdraw him. We have raised him differently. He asked, at a very early age, to become a Christian. He talks out loud to God all the time. He was involved in Awana's, church, church camps, FCA, small group, private Christian School and on and on. He's now in therapy to help him with more productive coping skills with stress and teenage angst. We've been on this path for many months with new house rules in place. Today, his wallet dropped out in the car and I picked it up to hand it to him and a condom fell out. He said nothing new has happened yet, but just in case.

I'm sad that he doesn't find an issue with this behavior. It feels like I'm condoning the behavior by not taking the condom from him. On the other hand, I don't want him to get anyone pregnant or get a disease. If I take it, he can just go get another one and then probably lie to me about it. There are practical matters, but I'm mostly concerned about the heavenly ones.

Anyone in the trenches with me right now fighting this battle? Any words of wisdom? Or encouragement? I could so use that.
 

G00WZ

Senior Member
May 16, 2014
1,313
446
83
37
#2
Best thing i can say is to pray for him daily, and expect God to deliver him from whatever he is going through. Continue the therapy and house rules though. If you are the type to nitpick over things i would quit, because that in itself is stressful and will make a person want to lie. I remember when i was a teen my mother would always argue, nag and was petty over pretty much everything i did. There was no love,ever, just rules and lectures about how trash i was. I always hated coming home, never felt like a home, just a place i slept.She thought she was being helpful reminding me of everything, but all of that constant badgering made me resentful and stressed out even more. So yea, in short pray for him, trust God, and love more.. In-fact drown him with love, because love is what causes a persons heart to change, and when a persons heart changes so do behaviors. He may or may not change immediately but he will remember, and he may be the type to have to go through some things in life before he can understand and change. I was like that.
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,877
1,949
113
Germany
#3
Keep praying for him. The more you strictly restrict someone, the worse they rebell against it. I am glad you didnt take the condoms from him... hope and pray he wont skip them.
Are you really surprised that he lied? A religious home is a breeding place for problems. Dont overdo it with thea house rules. Hr has to realise dor himself what is wrong and rightI. Caging him will make things worse. Ill be praying for u
 

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
Dec 8, 2014
2,169
696
113
#5
Recently we found out that our son has been lying to us and sleeping with girls for years, smoking a vape and other materials not allowed in our home. He was doing very poorly in school as well so that we had to withdraw him. We have raised him differently. He asked, at a very early age, to become a Christian. He talks out loud to God all the time. He was involved in Awana's, church, church camps, FCA, small group, private Christian School and on and on. He's now in therapy to help him with more productive coping skills with stress and teenage angst. We've been on this path for many months with new house rules in place. Today, his wallet dropped out in the car and I picked it up to hand it to him and a condom fell out. He said nothing new has happened yet, but just in case.

I'm sad that he doesn't find an issue with this behavior. It feels like I'm condoning the behavior by not taking the condom from him. On the other hand, I don't want him to get anyone pregnant or get a disease. If I take it, he can just go get another one and then probably lie to me about it. There are practical matters, but I'm mostly concerned about the heavenly ones.

Anyone in the trenches with me right now fighting this battle? Any words of wisdom? Or encouragement? I could so use that.
I am sorry to hear that, it's never good when a child feels they have to lie to someone. He definatly is in need of prayer, He has definatly strayed from the faith.
going the way of the world, It is good that he has an intrest in God and the church from a young age.

It's good to hear he is in therapy, it's definatly a step in the right direction to getting his life back on track. At least you are concerned with his behavour.

Ok, here is where my advice and expertise comes from, I made the same mistakes he is making, well some of them, with one exception. I did not come from a Christian home.

This is clearly satan trying to destroy his life and your home. But I would say that the verse "For we know all things work together for good to them that love God and are the called according to his purpose." is in play here, even though you may not see it at this time.

I think your son has been making some unwise descisions on his own and now he may be too ashamed to ask for help, which is why he is always talking to God, It's not that he hates God or is abandoning God, it's the fact he is like the prodical son and maybe thinking that God is forsaking him or abandoning him.

Keep praying for him, talk to him about his issues, don't accuse him or make him feel guilty, he probably has enough of it because he knows what he is doing is wrong. Encourage him to pray and repent of his sins.

I would suggest that there maybe an underlying subconcious effort to get your attention, try spending more time with him and taking an intrest in things he is interested in, (obviously as long as it does not conflict with Gods word)

Try and get to the root of what caused him to start doing what he has been doing,
you may find it was hanging out with friends or having some form of curiosity. Try and tackle one issue at a time, it could take months or years for him to get his life headed in the right direction, but it looks like he wants to and doesn't know how.
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#6
There are certain chapters in your child's life that only God can write.

Pr 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

You can bend a sapling but when the tree is older unless God is doing the bending all you get is a broken tree.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
Aug 20, 2018
5
1
1
#7
Best thing i can say is to pray for him daily, and expect God to deliver him from whatever he is going through. Continue the therapy and house rules though. If you are the type to nitpick over things i would quit, because that in itself is stressful and will make a person want to lie. I remember when i was a teen my mother would always argue, nag and was petty over pretty much everything i did. There was no love,ever, just rules and lectures about how trash i was. I always hated coming home, never felt like a home, just a place i slept.She thought she was being helpful reminding me of everything, but all of that constant badgering made me resentful and stressed out even more. So yea, in short pray for him, trust God, and love more.. In-fact drown him with love, because love is what causes a persons heart to change, and when a persons heart changes so do behaviors. He may or may not change immediately but he will remember, and he may be the type to have to go through some things in life before he can understand and change. I was like that.
Thank you. Good points. I do love him more than I can even express. He knows that I'm always in his corner and on his side. I leave him little notes on his mirror, play video games with him (because he likes them), send him encouraging texts, love on him, sit silently in his room while he plays games and watches TV because that's quality time to him, and am super involved in his life. :)
 
Aug 20, 2018
5
1
1
#8
Keep praying for him. The more you strictly restrict someone, the worse they rebell against it. I am glad you didnt take the condoms from him... hope and pray he wont skip them.
Are you really surprised that he lied? A religious home is a breeding place for problems. Dont overdo it with thea house rules. Hr has to realise dor himself what is wrong and rightI. Caging him will make things worse. Ill be praying for u
Thank you for your input. :) It is certainly an opportunity to hand this over to God and let Him handle.

I am surprised that he lied because he really doesn't want to disappoint us. We've talked to him about the sanctity of marriage his whole life. It's just unsettling when someone you love and are close to you lies to you. I agree with you about religious homes, especially if people are "coffee table" Christians. I don't think of us as religious, just Christ followers. He did have a lot of latitude because he exhibited more mature behavior. It's the trust that's broken. Our counselor suggested house rules so we were all on the same page.
 
Aug 20, 2018
5
1
1
#10
I am sorry to hear that, it's never good when a child feels they have to lie to someone. He definatly is in need of prayer, He has definatly strayed from the faith.
going the way of the world, It is good that he has an intrest in God and the church from a young age.

It's good to hear he is in therapy, it's definatly a step in the right direction to getting his life back on track. At least you are concerned with his behavour.

Ok, here is where my advice and expertise comes from, I made the same mistakes he is making, well some of them, with one exception. I did not come from a Christian home.

This is clearly satan trying to destroy his life and your home. But I would say that the verse "For we know all things work together for good to them that love God and are the called according to his purpose." is in play here, even though you may not see it at this time.

I think your son has been making some unwise descisions on his own and now he may be too ashamed to ask for help, which is why he is always talking to God, It's not that he hates God or is abandoning God, it's the fact he is like the prodical son and maybe thinking that God is forsaking him or abandoning him.

Keep praying for him, talk to him about his issues, don't accuse him or make him feel guilty, he probably has enough of it because he knows what he is doing is wrong. Encourage him to pray and repent of his sins.

I would suggest that there maybe an underlying subconcious effort to get your attention, try spending more time with him and taking an intrest in things he is interested in, (obviously as long as it does not conflict with Gods word)

Try and get to the root of what caused him to start doing what he has been doing,
you may find it was hanging out with friends or having some form of curiosity. Try and tackle one issue at a time, it could take months or years for him to get his life headed in the right direction, but it looks like he wants to and doesn't know how.
Beautifully said. Thank you. You are right. I'm a really capable person and it's very difficult for me to not handle things myself. It's a lesson I continue to get to learn. Thank you for the reminder. I believe there is spiritual warfare to try to take out the head of the family before he even has a family. Great point.

That's the super frustrating thing to me about all this. I made some very unwise choices as a teenager, but I felt it was because my parents basically just opted out of my life during that time period and I felt completely lost. I've worked so very hard to be there for him and be involved in his life so he'd always feel loved and connected. I didn't want him to go through the pain I went through. We support whatever endeavor he wants to try. Our house is the one the kids always come over, we know all his friends, we take him to school and pick him up every day, all the kids ride with us to out of town sporting events, he's never known a day of daycare, we talk to each of his friends' parents if he's going to their house, always know who's driving, etc. He was getting stressed out in school, so in reflecting, I think he started some of the stuff as a coping mechanism for stress. We've allowed him to move from private school to public school, to private online school at his request to help create the right learning environment for him.

He is kind of floating right now. Not much interests him. He had a job for a short period of time and quit. He's quit sports. He quit (public) school. He doesn't find a passion for anything. He is meeting with a counselor once a week. His pediatrician is involved. There are also a couple of specialists he's seen. It's hard to see him like this. Disconnected. He is still very interested in hanging out with his friends and does that frequently. I play video games with him, drive with him, sit in his room while he multi-tasks on technology as these are things that interest him. Just want him to be joyful, a contributing member of society, and his version of successful.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
24,555
13,320
113
#11
Recently we found out that our son has been lying to us and sleeping with girls for years, smoking a vape and other materials not allowed in our home. He was doing very poorly in school as well so that we had to withdraw him. We have raised him differently. He asked, at a very early age, to become a Christian. He talks out loud to God all the time. He was involved in Awana's, church, church camps, FCA, small group, private Christian School and on and on. He's now in therapy to help him with more productive coping skills with stress and teenage angst. We've been on this path for many months with new house rules in place. Today, his wallet dropped out in the car and I picked it up to hand it to him and a condom fell out. He said nothing new has happened yet, but just in case.

I'm sad that he doesn't find an issue with this behavior. It feels like I'm condoning the behavior by not taking the condom from him. On the other hand, I don't want him to get anyone pregnant or get a disease. If I take it, he can just go get another one and then probably lie to me about it. There are practical matters, but I'm mostly concerned about the heavenly ones.

Anyone in the trenches with me right now fighting this battle? Any words of wisdom? Or encouragement? I could so use that.
Hi BigD...
I strongly suggest you read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. While it sounds like you are trying to do the right thing, as long as he is getting everything he wants, he has no reason to change his behaviour. All the therapy in the world won't help, if he doesn't have any real motivation to change.

May the Lord give you wisdom and strength to deal with this in the most effective way. :)
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,877
1,949
113
Germany
#12
Thank you for your input. :) It is certainly an opportunity to hand this over to God and let Him handle.

I am surprised that he lied because he really doesn't whant to disappoint us. We've talked to him about the sanctity of marriage his whole life. It's just unsettling when someone you love and are close to you lies to you. I agree with you about religious homes, especially if people are "coffee table" Christians. I don't think of us as religious, just Christ followers. He did have a lot of latitude because he exhibited more mature behavior. It's the trust that's broken. Our counselor suggested house rules so we were all on the same page.
I found the more u preach about sanctity of marriage beds, the more rebellion follows. Turning it to self respect and honour to onesself as in not giving youself up like an object gives it a stronger and less plain religious meaning. Try showing him how much worth he haswas. He doesnt need, tothe prove anything to anyone.
Maybe its a lack of contact and attention. Hugs and stuff. Maybe if u bond with him more it might help.
I still watch movies and cuddle with my mom lol
Thats just an idea
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#13
Pr 19:18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.

Of course the rebel soul will rebel against the chastening of God.

A child who decides to get cozy with the world will be out of fellowship with the Lord and will be subject to chastening that only the Lord can bring. Sometimes the kids must hit rock bottom before they see the need to repent and really mean it from the heart. Sometimes they get scars that will last them the rest of their life. Sin shows no mercy. The consequences can be and often are severe.

Some will not enter into the kingdom whole but will be maimed because of their sin through disobedience and rebellion.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
Dec 8, 2014
2,169
696
113
#14
Beautifully said. Thank you. You are right. I'm a really capable person and it's very difficult for me to not handle things myself. It's a lesson I continue to get to learn. Thank you for the reminder. I believe there is spiritual warfare to try to take out the head of the family before he even has a family. Great point.

That's the super frustrating thing to me about all this. I made some very unwise choices as a teenager, but I felt it was because my parents basically just opted out of my life during that time period and I felt completely lost. I've worked so very hard to be there for him and be involved in his life so he'd always feel loved and connected. I didn't want him to go through the pain I went through. We support whatever endeavor he wants to try. Our house is the one the kids always come over, we know all his friends, we take him to school and pick him up every day, all the kids ride with us to out of town sporting events, he's never known a day of daycare, we talk to each of his friends' parents if he's going to their house, always know who's driving, etc. He was getting stressed out in school, so in reflecting, I think he started some of the stuff as a coping mechanism for stress. We've allowed him to move from private school to public school, to private online school at his request to help create the right learning environment for him.

He is kind of floating right now. Not much interests him. He had a job for a short period of time and quit. He's quit sports. He quit (public) school. He doesn't find a passion for anything. He is meeting with a counselor once a week. His pediatrician is involved. There are also a couple of specialists he's seen. It's hard to see him like this. Disconnected. He is still very interested in hanging out with his friends and does that frequently. I play video games with him, drive with him, sit in his room while he multi-tasks on technology as these are things that interest him. Just want him to be joyful, a contributing member of society, and his version of successful.
Thank you, You are welcome. Well we all have lessions we need to learn, You are welcome, Thanks.

Well, I feel the same way, I mean they send me to school, I get picked on and teased, and then they wonder why i start acting out, and the next thing I know by high school they are getting divorced, and my moms boyfriend is throwing a glass of water in my face every morning just to get me out of bed to go to school. They never consider counceling they don't talk to me about my problems,
Thats why I became anti social when I was 8 years old. It's why my first criminal conviction was at the age of 13.

I don't think people actually consider how serious it is to give life to another human being and raise them into adulthood. I think it's great that you do your best to give him a warm, loving enviroment,
I wish my parents had done that. So basically, your controlling his life, but in a way that strives to keep him out of trouble. Well the key to coping with stress is to reduce it, sounds like he needs more vacation time, just little breaks to get away from everything and enjoy his time with friends and family with out work and stress.

Actually, I was watching a Michael Moore Documentry not too long ago, and how some of the european countries became #1 is by eliminating home work and keeping learning time to about 3 -4 hours a day. Because the brain needs time to digest and process the information it's taking in.
The Documentry is called "Where to Invade next."

Infact in Germany, doctors will prescribe up to 3 weeks in a spa to combat the effects of stress.
I kid you not, we are living in the wrong country lol. I speak as a Canadian, we should be living over in Europe.

Actually when it comes to post secondary education, look to places like Slovania, Where they have free education for foreign students.

I get it, it sounds like he is suffering from a bit of depression, you should talk to him and your doctor about it, well I would talk to your doctor, it could also be a sign of Autism. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 17, after I finished school and after my parents kicked me out.

Actually it could be that he is a hands on learner, he may prefer a trade school where he can be creative and work with his hands. Get him some pants and colouring material, he might have a talent for drawing and art. if he does try giving him challenging math questions, he might excel in areas where he is being challenged. Also give him a few different computer programs to work with, like Microsoft Office, or Greeting Card Deluxe. Office will open a lot of job oppertunities for him if he knows how to use it, and Greeting card deluxe will allow him to kinda use his creativity skills.
 
Aug 30, 2018
15
13
3
#15
We have 3 boys, all grown up now so understand you totally. All I can say is lead, guide and advise. Good luck!
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,877
1,949
113
Germany
#16
Thank you, You are welcome. Well we all have lessions we need to learn, You are welcome, Thanks.

Well, I feel the same way, I mean they send me to school, I get picked on and teased, and then they wonder why i start acting out, and the next thing I know by high school they are getting divorced, and my moms boyfriend is throwing a glass of water in my face every morning just to get me out of bed to go to school. They never consider counceling they don't talk to me about my problems,
Thats why I became anti social when I was 8 years old. It's why my first criminal conviction was at the age of 13.

I don't think people actually consider how serious it is to give life to another human being and raise them into adulthood. I think it's great that you do your best to give him a warm, loving enviroment,
I wish my parents had done that. So basically, your controlling his life, but in a way that strives to keep him out of trouble. Well the key to coping with stress is to reduce it, sounds like he needs more vacation time, just little breaks to get away from everything and enjoy his time with friends and family with out work and stress.

Actually, I was watching a Michael Moore Documentry not too long ago, and how some of the european countries became #1 is by eliminating home work and keeping learning time to about 3 -4 hours a day. Because the brain needs time to digest and process the information it's taking in.
The Documentry is called "Where to Invade next."

Infact in Germany, doctors will prescribe up to 3 weeks in a spa to combat the effects of stress.
I kid you not, we are living in the wrong country lol. I speak as a Canadian, we should be living over in Europe.

Actually when it comes to post secondary education, look to places like Slovania, Where they have free education for foreign students.

I get it, it sounds like he is suffering from a bit of depression, you should talk to him and your doctor about it, well I would talk to your doctor, it could also be a sign of Autism. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 17, after I finished school and after my parents kicked me out.

Actually it could be that he is a hands on learner, he may prefer a trade school where he can be creative and work with his hands. Get him some pants and colouring material, he might have a talent for drawing and art. if he does try giving him challenging math questions, he might excel in areas where he is being challenged. Also give him a few different computer programs to work with, like Microsoft Office, or Greeting Card Deluxe. Office will open a lot of job oppertunities for him if he knows how to use it, and Greeting card deluxe will allow him to kinda use his creativity skills.
German drs? Never encounted any perscribing spas
 

WineRose

Senior Member
Jan 3, 2017
3,631
265
83
Row A, Column 9
#17
Wow, that must be terrible. I wish the best for you and your son. I hope that things get better for him, and for you.
 
Nov 26, 2012
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#18
I’m going through something similar. I find he (my 15 yr old) is a lot more responsive when I build him up by getting him to help me with projects, opposed to tearing him down when he indulges assholic tendencies and partakes in jackassery.
 

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
Dec 8, 2014
2,169
696
113
#19
German drs? Never encounted any perscribing spas
I suppose it could have been a joke on the documentry I saw.
Get Michael Moores documentry Where to invade next. That is the source where I got the info.