Singles Staying Single: Is It Selfishness, or Self-Preservation?

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garet82

garet82

Senior Member
#21
Jan 20, 2011
679
85
28
#21
Very interesting topic. Single staying single is a personal decision. Its for my own decision isnt something selfish coz when we decide to stay single means we dont hurt other felling or other ppl, coz we hv no obligation of others heart.
When we stay single means we hv more time to GOD, our work n family.
We use more of our time to help n share with more ppl not only with one person (partner).
 
JosephsDreams

JosephsDreams

Senior Member
#22
Dec 31, 2015
4,313
467
83
#22
I can say that for myself it is a combination of self preservation and selflessness. On the one hand I need harmony and joy and peace, on the other hand I cant stand the thought of not being an asset to someone and possibly hurting them.
I think this line of reasoning may be some of what others are thinking.
So I can understand why if the economic option is available people are staying single.
 
proverbs35

proverbs35

Senior Member
#23
Nov 10, 2012
825
239
43
#23
Beatrice1234 said:
Erybody is in relationships for getting what they can out of it so selfish one way or another . Might as well be selfish alone
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It might not sound palatable, but you are absolutely correct. Most people, male and female alike, go into a relationship expecting to get something out of it, and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that because we all have needs. It's just that we should be concerned about meeting the other person's needs too. Relationships should be mutually beneficial (give-and-take).
 
Mel85

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
#24
Mar 28, 2018
10,910
6,894
113
#24
seoulsearch said:
Hey Everyone,

Some of the conversations in the threads had me thinking. We all know that in many societies, singles are staying single for longer periods of time, if not for the rest of their lives. I've heard some say that this is because singles are selfish and only looking out for their own best interests, which I can definitely understand (and agree with) in some cases.

Now, goodness knows, I can be the epitome of selfishness myself (but I think we can all admit to having bouts of that), so in all honesty, I have personally come to see staying single (for now, at least) as being an act of self-preservation (and also maybe a measure of protection for the other person!)

My life's wake-up call came in the form of 12 years of long-term relationships that I probably should have never gotten into in the first place. People often ask me why I'm still single, and my best answer is that I could probably find a relationship, and even a marriage, if I really went looking, but the hard truth is, it would just be more of the same things that didn't work out in my other relationships. I don't know about anyone else, but I seem to attract similar people and situations over and over again and I just know (from trial and mostly error) that I would not do well in those circumstances (I start to self-destruct), and so I avoid them.

There are just some situations (particularly drug, alcohol, and porn addictions, certain family dynamics) where I am much better at being a supportive friend rather than a girlfriend (let alone wife.) I can't be in a relationship in which someone is hoping I can save them from something or make them better (that's basically what I tried to do during those whole 12 years I'd rather forget and leave behind.)

And so in my mind, staying single is an act of self-preservation (both for me, and for the other person, because I can't be what they need.) But even then, I question myself, and I would like to ask you:

* Where is the line between preserving our own selves, and just plain being selfish?

* When is staying single fulfilling a life calling, such as ministry or a career, and when is the decision to stay single just doing what you want to do, without considering anyone else?

For example, the past several years, I've been very thankful to have a small circle of female doctors to choose from, and many of these women do not have children because they decided to focus on their careers.

I know some will say this is a selfish decision, but I tell these women how grateful I am because when doctors are trying to figure out whether there's something wrong with, let's say, your uterus--it's nice to be able to talk to someone who actually HAS a uterus--and can understand a bit of what you're trying to tell them.

Along with working, another reason I've backed away from dating is because of all the constant unrealistic expectations from those who wanted things that they themselves did not have to give. For example, it wasn't enough that I didn't have kids. Single dads 10 years older than me would approach me on dating services and they not only wanted a woman with no kids, but she had to be 25 and built like a cheerleader. And I'm sure the guys on this forum have plenty of tales about unrealistic expectations women have had for a man's wallet.

Therefore, one of the reasons I see staying single (for now) as self-preservation is because I am purposely trying to remove myself from all of the unrealistic unicorn hunting--on both sides--because I honestly feel a lot happier away from all those pressures.

And so, fellow CC readers, I'd like to ask your opinion:

* When is staying single only looking out for yourself... and when is staying single looking out for yourself in the best possible way?
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Thanks for the thought provoking threads sis, as always :)

IMO, I believe being single is not a selfish thing but more of a reservation for the person that God has put aside specifically for you. Staying single is not only looking out for yourself (physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually) but also reserving yourself for the person that God has ordained for you.
 
proverbs35

proverbs35

Senior Member
#25
Nov 10, 2012
825
239
43
#25
I admire and respect the people who acknowledge that they have no intention of being committed, faithful and loving to a marriage partner, so they remain single. They recognize that, for whatever reason, they are not ready or willing to settle down. Therefore, instead of trying to have their cake and eat it too (enjoy the benefits of marriage while acting like they are still single) they refrain from marriage altogether. I have a lot of respect for people who remain single because they are not willing or able to settle down. I think that refraining from marriage in that circumstance is an act of kindness and unselfishness. They are making a conscientious decision not to visit a certain kind of pain on a potential spouse.

If more people remained single because they are unwilling and/or unable to settle down and committ to their spouse, we would actually have less divorce and fewer miserable marriages.

This is rhetorical, but you probably wouldn't have to think too hard to name someone that you are aware of who is a terrible marriage partner who should have never gotten married in the first place. We probably all know of some folk who could have saved their spouse a lot of heartache by never entering into the marriage union in the first place. It's unfortunate, but I could name more than a few. Marrying someone when you are not willing or able to shoulder your responsibilities in the marriage is selfish.
 
T

toinena

Guest
#26
#26
You might argue that is selfish or self centered to stay single. It is giving you a sense of control and security if you can provide for yourself and plan your own day, your own week, your own future.

If you stay single so that you can dedicate yourself to serve the Lord, it is entirely different, but few of us can say that. Even the Apostles went out two by two or as a team.

If you don't put Christ first, whatever you do is kind of selfish.
 
p_rehbein

p_rehbein

Senior Member
#27
Sep 4, 2013
30,169
6,528
113
#27
Was reading through the News on Yahoo Home Page, and I saw this Story, and thought of this Thread.......I know it's news, but it FITS with what is being discussed here............. For the record, I agree with Ms. Lambert that the Ladies of Country Music have always got the shaft!

(excerpt)

“It is interesting that I haven’t had even a Top 20 in a long, long time. And then it goes No. 1 because it’s a dude,” Lambert said. “But you know — if we went and looked at how many singles or records were sold for the Top 10 songs right now, I’d probably triple it on record sales. So it doesn’t matter.”

Country music has dealt with the issue of gender balance — or, rather, imbalance — for years. In 2015, radio consultant Keith Hill infuriated Lambert and others when he instructed radio stations to limit the percentage of female artists they play to 15 percent of their total programming, if they wanted ratings to rise.


(found here)

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment...someone-penis-top-radio-charts-192414167.html
 
CharliRenee

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
#30
Nov 4, 2014
6,687
7,165
113
#30
proverbs35 said:
I admire and respect the people who acknowledge that they have no intention of being committed, faithful and loving to a marriage partner, so they remain single. They recognize that, for whatever reason, they are not ready or willing to settle down. Therefore, instead of trying to have their cake and eat it too (enjoy the benefits of marriage while acting like they are still single) they refrain from marriage altogether. I have a lot of respect for people who remain single because they are not willing or able to settle down. I think that refraining from marriage in that circumstance is an act of kindness and unselfishness. They are making a conscientious decision not to visit a certain kind of pain on a potential spouse.

If more people remained single because they are unwilling and/or unable to settle down and committ to their spouse, we would actually have less divorce and fewer miserable marriages.

This is rhetorical, but you probably wouldn't have to think too hard to name someone that you are aware of who is a terrible marriage partner who should have never gotten married in the first place. We probably all know of some folk who could have saved their spouse a lot of heartache by never entering into the marriage union in the first place. It's unfortunate, but I could name more than a few. Marrying someone when you are not willing or able to shoulder your responsibilities in the marriage is selfish.
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Well for this old gal, it has nothing to do with an unwillingness or an inability to settle down. I do appreciate that u respect folks truths. I just am offering another reason why some may choose to remain single. One might not have met the right one for him or her, or it isn't part of His plan so we get on with it, waiting and accepting how it is, maybe just for now, or maybe forever.
 
W

Wild

Guest
#33
#33
Some people like me have no choice but to stay single. I guess I'm just too selfish to settle
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#34
Mar 13, 2014
41,299
16,294
113
69
Tennessee
#34
When I joined this site I was very lonely and prayed that God would find a woman of my heart's desire that was close to my age so that we could relate to each other. I was not looking for a 25 year old or even a 35 year old woman. The thing is. after a few weeks what would there be left to talk about? I desired a woman close to my age (59 at the time) so we could share our life experiences having lived in the same generation. God found me a spiritual and desirable woman on this site that was the same age that I was. I really didn't have any expectations for a prospective wife other that she love God and that she loved me. I love God and I love her. It is a love triangle. We will be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary on Nov 27.

"It's been wonderful so far and it's more than I hoped for..."
 
Jan7777777

Jan7777777

Active member
#35
Oct 19, 2018
224
154
43
#35
seoulsearch said:
Hey Everyone,

Some of the conversations in the threads had me thinking. We all know that in many societies, singles are staying single for longer periods of time, if not for the rest of their lives. I've heard some say that this is because singles are selfish and only looking out for their own best interests, which I can definitely understand (and agree with) in some cases.

Now, goodness knows, I can be the epitome of selfishness myself (but I think we can all admit to having bouts of that), so in all honesty, I have personally come to see staying single (for now, at least) as being an act of self-preservation (and also maybe a measure of protection for the other person!)

My life's wake-up call came in the form of 12 years of long-term relationships that I probably should have never gotten into in the first place. People often ask me why I'm still single, and my best answer is that I could probably find a relationship, and even a marriage, if I really went looking, but the hard truth is, it would just be more of the same things that didn't work out in my other relationships. I don't know about anyone else, but I seem to attract similar people and situations over and over again and I just know (from trial and mostly error) that I would not do well in those circumstances (I start to self-destruct), and so I avoid them.

There are just some situations (particularly drug, alcohol, and porn addictions, certain family dynamics) where I am much better at being a supportive friend rather than a girlfriend (let alone wife.) I can't be in a relationship in which someone is hoping I can save them from something or make them better (that's basically what I tried to do during those whole 12 years I'd rather forget and leave behind.)

And so in my mind, staying single is an act of self-preservation (both for me, and for the other person, because I can't be what they need.) But even then, I question myself, and I would like to ask you:

* Where is the line between preserving our own selves, and just plain being selfish?

* When is staying single fulfilling a life calling, such as ministry or a career, and when is the decision to stay single just doing what you want to do, without considering anyone else?

For example, the past several years, I've been very thankful to have a small circle of female doctors to choose from, and many of these women do not have children because they decided to focus on their careers.

I know some will say this is a selfish decision, but I tell these women how grateful I am because when doctors are trying to figure out whether there's something wrong with, let's say, your uterus--it's nice to be able to talk to someone who actually HAS a uterus--and can understand a bit of what you're trying to tell them.

Along with working, another reason I've backed away from dating is because of all the constant unrealistic expectations from those who wanted things that they themselves did not have to give. For example, it wasn't enough that I didn't have kids. Single dads 10 years older than me would approach me on dating services and they not only wanted a woman with no kids, but she had to be 25 and built like a cheerleader. And I'm sure the guys on this forum have plenty of tales about unrealistic expectations women have had for a man's wallet.

Therefore, one of the reasons I see staying single (for now) as self-preservation is because I am purposely trying to remove myself from all of the unrealistic unicorn hunting--on both sides--because I honestly feel a lot happier away from all those pressures.

And so, fellow CC readers, I'd like to ask your opinion:

* When is staying single only looking out for yourself... and when is staying single looking out for yourself in the best possible way?
Click to expand...
I am staying single because I choose to, if God has a Godly man for me, he can bring him to me, cause I have no interest to get hurt any longer, I have had more God time now that I choose to stay single, no stress other then my 90 yr,.old mom with dementia...but one day its bad next its not...so I just go into my bedroom and read, or pray. I am not looking out for myself unless not wanting to get hurt again is looking out for myself, then yes I am. single is best for me, cause , I saw the pattern in many men, its almost like they are not able to fall IN love, just love a woman....so I am done with getting cheated on and hurt many times. my choice...….if God wants otherwise he will tell me.
 
H

Hamarr

Guest
#36
#36
I have read some articles that discussed whether it was selfish to not date, but the thought would have never crossed my mind otherwise. I don’t feel ready, and I don’t know if I will ever feel ready. It would seem more selfish to dump that on someone else.

I do notice more people suggesting I try. Maybe they see me as more ready than I do?
 
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