So much to say. I could give a run down concerning
all my days here on terra firma, in "hindsight" now, how "the Father" gave me up to persecution, from "the world", even my entire family, (Ma n Pa, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.), with "smart as a whip" (quick study) intelligence, yet, during this same time,
without the ability of
conforming TO "the world!"
This was very frustrating to the entire family, and manifest itself in "Intimidtating manners" of emotional and spiritual abuse, (especially from Dad) that crushed my heart and spirit! Not saying they didn't love me, nor was there no love. But, the "cuts" were so deep, and repeated, the love that there was? Couldn't, or didn't penetrate through the scarring.
ALONE in the world, I was! Hopeless, and helpless, in every attempt of trying to "live up" to what was "expected" of one being of such smarts! This "started" around the time I started school. 5 years old! "You can
do better!" They said! "Why can't you
apply yourself?" They asked, and demanded! I
couldn't tell 'em: "Because I
can't/WON'T, CURSE God, and die!" Cause at the time? I had
NO CLUE, what was, or even
WHY this was happening! Only that I couldn't perform to the expectations expected of, or from me, from a "walking, talking hero, from a previous earth/heaven age!"
"We
best get this boy "baptised!" Said Dad! Being the Christian parents that they were. So, at 13? At the bequest of Dad, as Gramma (Dad's Mom) was coming to visit, on her birthday (which is the same as mine), and go to see the "cubbies" play! (which marked her as a traitor, living amongst die hard cardinal country), and, as a means of Dad kinda "showing off?" I was baptised! Thus, fulfilling the requirement of the New covenant. Which I also didn't understand! But did, in the honoring of Dad's wishes. (as from one, being from a place where there was
no covenant NEEDED, between God, and His children).
I was "all in" for going to church, 3 times a week (Wed. night Bible study), not to mention Vacation Bible School in the summer. I was even 2nd soprano, in the youth choir,
Until? (tmi
). That is, until I started seeing the "worldlyness" of Christ's Church. At which time, I became increasingly reluctant in going. So? When Ma n Pa said I was now "old enough" (around 16 er 17) in deciding for myself, in going to church? Any church? I
ran! Not walked away from church!
RIGHT SMACK-DAB, INTO THE WORLD! One might say, I was "looking for love, in all the wrong places!" "Looking for love, in too many faces!" (oughta be a song, eh?
) "Taking every wrong direction, on his lonely way back home!" (oughta be another song, eh?)
"I grew up quick, and I grew up mean!" "My fists got hard, and my wits got keen!" "I roamed from town to town, to hide my shame!" "Made me a vow, to the moon and the stars, that I'd
search those honky tonks, n bars, and
kill that one that gimme this
awful name!" (songs that trace my life's story, it seems)
This all came to a
screeching halt, some 30+ years ago. (you can see my reply to "Grandpa", in post #115, of this very thread)
These "
works for salvation", and
"legalism?" Is
NOT "that" at all! What it
IS, however? Is the "
war" I'm fighting against "satan", in "pushing the envelope", on levels that cause many christians to be "uncomfortable" with. Because, I "
STILL Can't/WON'T!" "CURSE God, and die!!" In
forcing the "Spiritual man",
into CRUCIFYING the "old man",
TO THE POINT, of
"FORCING", satan's HAND, so to speak, into
"Playing his cards", before he's
ready to!
So? Should one be under the assumption, that God
CAN'T, or
WON'T,
"DESTROY" this age, BEFORE He sends His Christ back? Making this
WHOLE timeline, like it never was?
Seems the people in the
"Days of Noah", were under that SAME "assumption!"
"To HIM who reigns from everlasting to everlasting, be ALL Honor, and Glory, FOREVER, and Ever!"
Amen, and AMEN!
