Not the greatest things going on in my life right now

So I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, but I'm going to say it anyways. I've had a really trial-full last while, and I want to write it just to get it out and see if anyone has had similar experiences, and what has helped them out. So yeah. I'm single. I just served a mission in the Republic of Georgia strengthening peoples testimonies of Christ. I taught Saudis and Arabs what the Bible was for their first time. And yet somehow I felt really disconnected from their experiences. Like only people new to the gospel are allowed to have uplifting and powerful experiences. I had this swiss girl with me who seemed to really find joy serving God and I always wondered how she got that way. It occurred to me I never did feel that way. I returned home about a month ago, to find that things went on at home that I wasn't aware of. For example, my brother got arrested, found out he had depression, and tried killing himself. This kind of helped me see my own problems with it too. I suffer from minor depression, and after years of counselors, and in working through my addictions, I still don't feel in control, and I can't see God in it. When I came home I didn't even talk to my brother about his depression, because I was still dealing with my own, and I felt ashamed to even try and empathize with him seeing how bad his was compared to mine. I'm pretty prone to telling myself poisonous lies and deception, which has made it really hard. I often wonder if I'm the worst Christian ever because I'm preaching a principle I struggle to live myself. You know its really hard to get motivated to try again if you've failed at it the last 9 years. I've done just about all I could to push God out of my life, because I'm afraid of becoming who God knows I can be. I pray ever night and cry out to Christ, but its kind of useless because I'm not changing my behavior and he can't make my decisions for me. I just moved to a different state to go to school, and subsequently I am left not knowing a single person, and its rough for me to talk to people. Have any of you had similar experiences? Have you gotten out of it, or controlled it, or really found lasting joy like my Swiss friend did? I know there is no magic answer, and I'm open to any and all ideas. I won't bat them down unless they are really dumb, or if I've done them and they really just made my life worse. I'm just glad this site exists.

Praying and crying out to God is good but you need to do your part too.

People were healed in the bible because they put faith into action.

The women who was bleeding reached out and touched the hem of Jesus’ garment.

Naman bathed 7 times in a horrible river.

Moses struck a rock and water poured out.

David went into battle and defeated Goliath.

They didn’t just sit there saying God do something woe is me.

Go to Dr tell them your depressed, try some councilling or CBT therapy.
If not part of a church, find a church make friends get involved.

Take up a hobby.

Go for walks get some fresh air.

Faith in action allows God to work.
Faith which does nothing but sits on its back side watching porn achieves nothing.

Might sound blunt but I’ve seen your other posts.

The ball is in your court. What are you going to do to put faith in action?

I often wonder if I'm the worst Christian ever because I'm preaching a principle I struggle to live myself.

So I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, but I'm going to say it anyways. I've had a really trial-full last while, and I want to write it just to get it out and see if anyone has had similar experiences, and what has helped them out. So yeah. I'm single. I just served a mission in the Republic of Georgia strengthening peoples testimonies of Christ. I taught Saudis and Arabs what the Bible was for their first time. And yet somehow I felt really disconnected from their experiences. Like only people new to the gospel are allowed to have uplifting and powerful experiences. I had this swiss girl with me who seemed to really find joy serving God and I always wondered how she got that way. It occurred to me I never did feel that way. I returned home about a month ago, to find that things went on at home that I wasn't aware of. For example, my brother got arrested, found out he had depression, and tried killing himself. This kind of helped me see my own problems with it too. I suffer from minor depression, and after years of counselors, and in working through my addictions, I still don't feel in control, and I can't see God in it. When I came home I didn't even talk to my brother about his depression, because I was still dealing with my own, and I felt ashamed to even try and empathize with him seeing how bad his was compared to mine. I'm pretty prone to telling myself poisonous lies and deception, which has made it really hard. I often wonder if I'm the worst Christian ever because I'm preaching a principle I struggle to live myself. You know its really hard to get motivated to try again if you've failed at it the last 9 years. I've done just about all I could to push God out of my life, because I'm afraid of becoming who God knows I can be. I pray ever night and cry out to Christ, but its kind of useless because I'm not changing my behavior and he can't make my decisions for me. I just moved to a different state to go to school, and subsequently I am left not knowing a single person, and its rough for me to talk to people. Have any of you had similar experiences? Have you gotten out of it, or controlled it, or really found lasting joy like my Swiss friend did? I know there is no magic answer, and I'm open to any and all ideas. I won't bat them down unless they are really dumb, or if I've done them and they really just made my life worse. I'm just glad this site exists.

So I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, but I'm going to say it anyways. I've had a really trial-full last while, and I want to write it just to get it out and see if anyone has had similar experiences, and what has helped them out. So yeah. I'm single. I just served a mission in the Republic of Georgia strengthening peoples testimonies of Christ. I taught Saudis and Arabs what the Bible was for their first time. And yet somehow I felt really disconnected from their experiences. Like only people new to the gospel are allowed to have uplifting and powerful experiences. I had this swiss girl with me who seemed to really find joy serving God and I always wondered how she got that way. It occurred to me I never did feel that way. I returned home about a month ago, to find that things went on at home that I wasn't aware of. For example, my brother got arrested, found out he had depression, and tried killing himself. This kind of helped me see my own problems with it too. I suffer from minor depression, and after years of counselors, and in working through my addictions, I still don't feel in control, and I can't see God in it. When I came home I didn't even talk to my brother about his depression, because I was still dealing with my own, and I felt ashamed to even try and empathize with him seeing how bad his was compared to mine. I'm pretty prone to telling myself poisonous lies and deception, which has made it really hard. I often wonder if I'm the worst Christian ever because I'm preaching a principle I struggle to live myself. You know its really hard to get motivated to try again if you've failed at it the last 9 years. I've done just about all I could to push God out of my life, because I'm afraid of becoming who God knows I can be. I pray ever night and cry out to Christ, but its kind of useless because I'm not changing my behavior and he can't make my decisions for me. I just moved to a different state to go to school, and subsequently I am left not knowing a single person, and its rough for me to talk to people. Have any of you had similar experiences? Have you gotten out of it, or controlled it, or really found lasting joy like my Swiss friend did? I know there is no magic answer, and I'm open to any and all ideas. I won't bat them down unless they are really dumb, or if I've done them and they really just made my life worse. I'm just glad this site exists.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
as I read your thread it reminded me of how I felt, when I was teaching sun.school, driving the church bus, teaching bible school, teaching VBS, playing the piano for years in the church. and then when people get saved, I wished I had that enthusiasm, I would read the Bible all day long on Saturdays and enjoy every bit of it....but I like to study so that doesn't mean I was some great devout Christian. ...... and then one sunday the preacher preached on the man that was swept garnished but empty. matt. 12:43,44,45.....I will try to make this short but not sure it can be...leaving out a lot of good stuff.....but I will try......he said, the swept and garnished is representing when a person repents and ask for their sins to be forgiven they are swept ….. so satan whispers they are saved cause they feel such a spiritual cleanness inside, he said, Jesus stands at the door and knocks, he doesn't jump in when you repent you have to invite him in..., that is why so many people think they are saved, and go back several times 'getting saved over and over' each week or month, ….. but what is really happening is they get their sins forgiven and mistake that great cleansing feeling as salvation...hence why that scripture says, the unclean spirit returns and finds it empty, swept , and garnished.....empty cause he /she had not ask Christ in, then the unclean spirit enters in and dwells there and the last state of the man/woman is worse than the first, ...why ???? Christ was not invited in.................well, 5 MEMBERS of the church got saved that night, they thought they were saved. why did they not feel lost? maybe cause they were praying daily for their sins to be forgiven and felt ok...I don't know....so the preachers wife ask me did I want to make sure I was...and I am like...yes, for sure, since I saw so many I sure thought were saved....well, 5 times they prayed over me ( yeah baptist pray over people too..lol) and they ask me if I felt better, well, I never ...so I am like..no ,,,don't feel no more different , this continued 5 times...NOTHING....well, I thought ..maybe I am saved...…( I will insert here, the preacher told me later, that God revealed to him I was not saved ] so I go to work the next day, it was a call center ….500 co workers saying their greeting to the recipients.... I sat at my computer waiting to log in.....and was pondering on the sermon....then it just came to me, what the preacher said that people don't ASK CHRIST IN...so they are swept...they are garnished...but empty.....it was like a light bulb went off in my head, and I said, "well Jesus, if I have never ask you to come in please come IN!!! as I said 'COME IN ' , I had an out of body experience...DID NOT HEAR ANY CO WORKERS VOICES TALKING TOTAL SILENCE .....wont get into that cause its too long...but anyhow, I got peace poured all inside me in the place I went to out of body...….. so when I read your thread, it came to me to tell this that happened to me

....I was thinking...oh no, its so much to type, I don't want to type that much tonight....lol.... but, I gave in and decided to tell you but, I don't know if satan has deceived you but he did me and now, I don't have to wish I had what others had..... so I ask you to pray and say what I did.... it may not be for you, it could be for someone else who reads it...…. I don't know, but I shared this to many, one boy on drugs said felt something walk across his chest...don't know why or what that was,....and I hope it helped him, all I can do is share what he showed me. God bless you friend. all I had to say was "Jesus if I have never ask you in come in." and it changed my life the peace was unreal.