The story goes...
An introduction!
My darkness began in the womb. I was the product of a junkie mother and her boyfriend. I owe my life to addiction. If my mom had been healthier she would have known about her pregnancy and would as she told me, have aborted. This was as she says, the ruin of her life.
My infancy was a horror from the reports I heard. I was moved from family member to family member in an attempt to avoid C.A.S. apprehension. All this failed. When C.A.S. got me they failed to find suitable housing for me and as a result I saw 100+ placements before a long term facility was found. I was five when I got my first stable placement.
So I began my 5 year stay at Sunny Side Children’s Residence in Kingston, Ontario. I was a handful. Very traumatized and suffering attachment disorder as well as mental health issues from drug impacted fetal development, I saw a lot of discipline. I was restrained, timed out and placed in solitary confinement. I was also always in punitive level status. I had little peer interaction or recreation time.
What time I did have on my hands was spent as a daredevil and in hiding. I climb things and jumped from high heights, or I was in hiding from staff. I kept the staff on their toes. I shorted the electrical systems by placing twist ties in outlets and caused all sorts of other mayhem. I also spent a lot of time in therapy. Five years passed and finally a family decided to take me on.
I was going on ten when the Hull’s told C.A.S. that they were interested in me. There was a lot of apprehension and many professionals said a family environment was wrong for me. The Hull’s won out though and I was fostered somewhere between 10-11 years old. It was a family with both their own children and foster kids.
I did not do well in foster care. The first major problem was school. I could not socialize with other kids. I think the problem was both abnormal childhood and the fact that I was a gifted child. I had been I.Q. tested at 146 when I was 6. Although I had learning disabilities I was still a borderline genius. Besides outburst and aggression I did manage to have some fun at the Hull home.
Me and the Hull brothers did a lot of exploring, they were in the country and lived on a country mile. There were literally hundreds of acres to explore. We pretended to be military and go on mission. I also did a lot of just adventuring with Jamie. The best friendship I had was with Danny though.
Over time Danny broke through my well built walls and despite fears of attachment I saw him like a brother. He took special care of me and even though I shoplifted, lied, stole from the family and broke all kinds of rules he always said he saw potential in me. I grew to need him.
I was around fifteen when I ran out of school options in the area and needed to move to a special school for troubled children. It was called Venta, school for trouble gifted children. I did not do well there and it did not last. I was moved to a group home called Arden Court Children’s Residence where I could be specially schooled.
Things went a lot like S.S.C.R., with restraints and being in constant punitive status. I was always getting in disputes with other teens and couldn’t figure out how to deal with life. The enforcement was much stricter and it was more prison like at A.C.C.R. but I made a couple friends and got along with a few staff. Then the first life altering disaster happened.
I got visit to the Hull home regularly and one fateful weekend Danny was coming to collect me for my visit when he got into a fatal car accident. I was destroyed and soon made up my mind to run away. Which I did. It gets a little fuzzy here but I found my real mom in Ottawa and spent a horrible two weeks learning all about how I destroyed her, she also introduced me to drugs and alcohol before putting me on the streets.
I began life as a street kid in Ottawa but ended up in Toronto. Things got really bad there with nightly beatings and a short career in forced male prostitution. I was arrested and found in jail by C.A.S. which came to collect me. I found myself back in foster care. I bounced around and on an outing to a Christian retreat I met a girl who I fell in love with.
I spent a few years struggling to survive the care system and keep in touch with the girl(I am maintaining confidentiality)until I ran away to be with her. We made a life together and I married her. We had two children and after a horrible 7 years we separated. I was crushed and have never recovered. 2nd life altering disaster.
I ended on a psychiatric ward and met a married woman, who I ran from the hospital with. We lived on and off the streets chasing crack for 5 years. Things were horrible in the crack world and I saw and did horrible things. I had by now developed A terrible world view. I was living amongst the damned.
Then the beginning of the light shone through in the form of a friend who had had a profession hand in my marriage disaster. A social worker who tried to help with out children found me one day and against her best interests she intervened. I ended up living with her and combated my crack addiction.
I would like to say it all went well but we are all struggling as a result of the intervention. We are getting by and life gets betters but we are facing challenges. I went to treatment for several years and found medication which helped me get off drugs and alcohol but I am now in recovery and day to day I struggle to get out of bed.
I hope to channel some of my pain and growth here, it is my hope that this blog can be a motivation for me. Both a journal and an accountability tool. I hope anyone may find and follow this blog. Strength is found in others and I need others right now. I don’t drink or drug and I am done with being outside the law but I am alone and broken now.
Let the Journey begin!
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