Question about dating before divorce

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Jenny23

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#1
#1
I know someone who started dating before their divorce was legally finalized. They are a believer. Their partner had left them and was physically separated from them (living in separate houses) for about 4-5 months when the person started dating. The divorce process started about a year before the person started dating. They were in the process of completing all of the legal paperwork and seemed to be somewhat close when the person started dating. The person said they were on dating websites to simply meet new people, but ended up going on a few coffee “dates/meet ups”. What do you guys think about this? The person said they were released by others in their church, had felt spiritually, emotionally, and physically divorced already, but just hadn’t finished the legal part. Do you feel that God would bless this? Is it ok to do this? I’m not sure what I think about the different spiritual, emotional, physical, and legal divorce aspects...Btw, the divorce finalized about 3 months after the person started dating.
 
CharliRenee

CharliRenee

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Staff member
#2
Nov 4, 2014
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#2
I personally think it is not a good idea to start dating before the divorce. I think that dating too soon can be a recipe for disaster.

Is it ok? Would God bless it? Hmmmm, I think these are not questions anyone can know for another individual but personally...

I hope there is hope for reconciliation between the husband and wife, always, but if not...

my thoughts are no dating anyone else until legally divorced and honestly a good couple years after has passed at least. Most divorces are the result of two ppl, and both need time to heal and grow individually.
 
Mii

Mii

Well-known member
#3
Mar 23, 2019
2,059
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#3
Personally I wouldn't be okay with it. I don't even want to simulate such a scenario and what "I would do".

I think so long as proprietary boundaries are met it's a personal decision. I do agree that healing should certainly be factored in. Sometimes the trauma of separation can lead to some rather impulsive behavior that is highly destructive. So wisdom should certainly be exercised, as well as feedback from others. Sound counsel is not ever unwise to pursue.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#4
Jun 30, 2015
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#4
My view is that it is best to avoid dating while one is not free to marry. There is nothing in Scripture to prevent it, especially if the divorce is simply a matter of time, but I would not date someone in that situation. To me it's a red flag of impatience.
 
T

tasha66

Guest
#5
#5
I think you would have to be very, very careful, & really get to know the person you want to date very well first.
I've known & counselled couples who were still in the process of divorcing - some had kids too - and they dated other people. If a divorce isn't finalised, or drags on and on, it can all get really incredibly messy.
You as the new person in the equation can get caught up with all the drama, when sometimes, it has nothing to do with you. Then you get dragged into something that wasn't of your making, and get accused of taking sides.
I'd tread VERY carefully myself.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#6
Mar 26, 2014
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#6
On a practical level, I'd be just as concerned with the fact that said person has only been functionally single for 4-5 months after their marriage split than I would with exactly how long the divorce took to be final. I do agree that with my values there is something dishonest in putting yourself out there to date when you aren't available to see the relationship through to marriage. But if someone is telling me that they feel divorced already and ready to start dating new people after such a short time of reflection, I"m suspecting that what they're really saying is "I hate being alone and don't know how to function so I need a new partner like pronto to take away the loneliness". That's just a really bad foundation to build a new relationship on.

Bottom line, I wouldn't date someone who was in that situation and I'd encourage them to do some serious reflection on how and why things broke up before pursuing a serious relationship again (is that the same thing as meeting up for coffee? seems like maybe not but there's a lot of room there to lead people on deceptively if you're meeting up with people from a dating site but not looking for a serious relationship (or casual sex but that's a different and completely unChristian category of behavior)).
 
I

IFOLLOWHIM

Guest
#7
#7
I never would date a man who isn't DIVORCED!
One thing is WHY the seperstion and pending divorce?
Second some people leave their spouses or seperates just to play the field,never intending to really divorce!
Even people of the faith can be lead by the flesh!
 
CarolinaBeach50

CarolinaBeach50

Active member
#8
Oct 21, 2019
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#8
I met someone on a dating site about 6 months ago. Their profile said divorced but when I talked to them they told me it wasn't finalized. I basically told them I would talk to them as a friend but would never date anyone who was still legally technically married. She told me that her husband wanted to get back together, etc. I told her if it were possible and there was no sort of abuse going on that maybe she should consider reconciling. Long story short they are back together. I think the best rule of thumb is to not date anyone who is not completely available.
 
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Jenny23

Guest
#9
#9
Thank you all for your responses. It seems the general consensus is that it is not wise. The situation didn't seem very black and white to me, and I agree with all of you. My general rule of thumb is to not date someone who is not legally divorced. I would also be wary if the divorce was super recent as well.
 
E

EliBeth

Guest
#10
#10
I firmly believe that this is not okay and do not believe God would bless it.
 
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Jenny23

Guest
#11
#11
cinder said:
On a practical level, I'd be just as concerned with the fact that said person has only been functionally single for 4-5 months after their marriage split than I would with exactly how long the divorce took to be final. I do agree that with my values there is something dishonest in putting yourself out there to date when you aren't available to see the relationship through to marriage. But if someone is telling me that they feel divorced already and ready to start dating new people after such a short time of reflection, I"m suspecting that what they're really saying is "I hate being alone and don't know how to function so I need a new partner like pronto to take away the loneliness". That's just a really bad foundation to build a new relationship on.

Bottom line, I wouldn't date someone who was in that situation and I'd encourage them to do some serious reflection on how and why things broke up before pursuing a serious relationship again (is that the same thing as meeting up for coffee? seems like maybe not but there's a lot of room there to lead people on deceptively if you're meeting up with people from a dating site but not looking for a serious relationship (or casual sex but that's a different and completely unChristian category of behavior)).
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I don't believe the person was looking for casual sex, and I think that they felt they had worked on their healing during the divorce process already. I have been divorced now for almost 8 years. I've had long periods of no dating so that I could work on my issues.

This might be an obvious questions, but what do you think the difference is between working on yourself during the divorce process and working on your issues after it has been finalized?
 
melita916

melita916

Senior Member
#12
Aug 12, 2011
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#12
Personally, I feel that if the divorce isn’t finalized, it’s a chapter that isn’t closed.
 
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Jenny23

Guest
#13
#13
EliBeth said:
I firmly believe that this is not okay and do not believe God would bless it.
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I agree.

I didn't want to be "legalistic" about the situation which began to confuse me about what was right and wrong in their unique and specific situation.
 
CharliRenee

CharliRenee

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Staff member
#14
Nov 4, 2014
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#14
Jenny23 said:
I don't believe the person was looking for casual sex, and I think that they felt they had worked on their healing during the divorce process already. I have been divorced now for almost 8 years. I've had long periods of no dating so that I could work on my issues.

This might be an obvious questions, but what do you think the difference is between working on yourself during the divorce process and working on your issues after it has been finalized?
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I do not believe there is a difference with regards to growing during the divorce process or after, except that growth takes awhile, as you yourself have experienced...me too, btw. I think that during the divorce process there is probably more grieving. It is fresh and not yet final.

I think moving on takes time, we have to work through and process stuff. Hopefully, the marriage once was filled with great love and beautiful memories. No matter how toxic the marriage becomes, it still hurts, it is still a loss. If it is not, that points to another concerning inward problem, if you ask me.

I think divorce wouldn't happen if both parties were truly God centered so I think being alone gives one or both the opportunity to draw nearer to Him, by focusing on only Him. But if one is rushing into another relationship, it would point to an unwillingness to look at ones own accountability in the situation.

What do you think?
 
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Jenny23

Guest
#15
#15
CharliRenee said:
I do not believe there is a difference with regards to growing during the divorce process or after, except that growth takes awhile, as you yourself have experienced...me too, btw. I think that during the divorce process there is probably more grieving. It is fresh and not yet final.

I think moving on takes time, we have to work through and process stuff. Hopefully, the marriage once was filled with great love and beautiful memories. No matter how toxic the marriage becomes, it still hurts, it is still a loss. If it is not, that points to another concerning inward problem, if you ask me.

I think divorce wouldn't happen if both parties were truly God centered so I think being alone gives one or both the opportunity to draw nearer to Him, by focusing on only Him. But if one is rushing into another relationship, it would point to an unwillingness to look at ones own accountability in the situation.

What do you think?
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I totally agree. I do believe there was a subtle lack of accountability on their part in the marriage ending because their partner was the one who initially wanted the divorce. Therefore, they viewed it as mostly, if not completely, their partner's problem. I don't think they had come to the full realization yet that they had some destructive behavior in the marriage as well, which probably takes time and work in processing with the Lord. They recognized their responsibility only to some degree. They are a strong believer, so I do think God will help them get to that place, but dating does distract one from doing that work.
 
L

LittleMermaid

Guest
#16
#16
I think that the lady must have been in a lot of pain from her husband leaving, that she resorted to dating again pretty quickly. The fact that she started dating right away, means that she clearly wasn't over the separation.
I think it's a common mistake that divorced folks make. Of course not all of them but a lot of them do that. They are hurt and instead of letting the wound heal with medicine and time, they decide to just slap a bandaid on it and hope they don't get hurt again.

A person who is going through a divorce will have their life completely shattered. It must take years for someone to heal from something like that...if they ever do heal from it.

If I were to get involved with a man who is divorced (preferably not as I'm a jealous type ;)), he would have to be divorced for at least five years. Divorced not separated.
 
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Jenny23

Guest
#17
#17
Yes. I've been divorced now for almost 8 years. I realized that I had a cycle of going from one relationship to the next. God helped me to break that cycle, and I took extended time to be single and work on my relationship with him/healing/my issues. That's not to say I don't still have issues to work on, but God gave me breakthroughs in my life that required me to be single in order for them to come about.

Sometimes I worry that my standards are too high from experiencing divorce and failed relationships to ever be married again. This too is a work in process because I think God will ultimately give me peace and grace for my future husband in his imperfections and my own. Any other members struggle with this?
 
CharliRenee

CharliRenee

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Staff member
#18
Nov 4, 2014
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#18
Jenny23 said:
Yes. I've been divorced now for almost 8 years. I realized that I had a cycle of going from one relationship to the next. God helped me to break that cycle, and I took extended time to be single and work on my relationship with him/healing/my issues. That's not to say I don't still have issues to work on, but God gave me breakthroughs in my life that required me to be single in order for them to come about.

Sometimes I worry that my standards are too high from experiencing divorce and failed relationships to ever be married again. This too is a work in process because I think God will ultimately give me peace and grace for my future husband in his imperfections and my own. Any other members struggle with this?
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Yes, I can relate to your worry. I don't seek perfection, though, because if I found a perfect guy, he'd be way out of my league, lol. My standards are high though, but I think that is good. The problem is finding a single high standarded, God centered guy at my age who thinks I am worthy of his pursuing...well that would take a miracle, hahaha, especially, since I work out of my home.

For me, though, I do not even say my future husband for that may not be His will for my life. I don't even seek or think about finding a feller. He may think it better for me to remain single. Mine is to be grateful and content either way. I will confess it isn't always easy. In fact, I grumble a bit in lonely seasons.
 
ArtsieSteph

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
#19
Apr 1, 2014
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Arizona
#19
Personally to me it’s not right. You are seeking out romantic attachment when you’re still legally bound to your spouse at the time.

Also, I feel bad that they didn’t give their marriage a chance at being worked out before the divorce was finalized. It was just like lolbye
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#20
Jun 30, 2015
24,685
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#20
Jenny23 said:
Yes. I've been divorced now for almost 8 years. I realized that I had a cycle of going from one relationship to the next. God helped me to break that cycle, and I took extended time to be single and work on my relationship with him/healing/my issues. That's not to say I don't still have issues to work on, but God gave me breakthroughs in my life that required me to be single in order for them to come about.

Sometimes I worry that my standards are too high from experiencing divorce and failed relationships to ever be married again. This too is a work in process because I think God will ultimately give me peace and grace for my future husband in his imperfections and my own. Any other members struggle with this?
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Struggle with it? Not at all; I embrace it. ;)

Seriously, I recognize that I am very picky. I've done plenty of work on myself since the marriage ended, and though I will never be perfect, I also don't want to be married to someone to whom I am not attracted. Character, intelligence, appearance and interests are all considered. There is also a list of red flag issues that I simply will not consider, such as smoking.

So... know any unicorns?
 
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