Marriage advice please...

Hi. I am going through a lot of issues right now and am currently active in counselling. But...I would love some godly advice...I have been married for 22 years. My husband recently had an "emotional" affair with another woman. His reaction and actions since I found out have been by the book...exactly what will make our marriage stronger moving forward. However...he has been on vacation now for a week and a half...we have been communicating daily, but I am struggling as I feel like I am the one putting the most effort in. I am lonely and sad. I am trying to love him, but feel like giving up. Any advice?

Sorry to hear this. It's good this is not a physical affair, though. Does he "love" this woman? I think it is important to know how he feels about you and her. As he is on vacation, he might be busy or does not want to think about anything too serious right now, so I would not get too stressed about his lack of response.

First of all, I am sorry to hear you are going through this.
This might sound basic, but what is it that God places in your heart when you pray to him about this? Sometimes, we think if the other person will change things, then it will be all better. I truly understand that in a marriage both people must be a part in making it work. Not everyone, in my humble opinion, is willing to do that or at a point in their lives to do that. With that said, God blesses us with the Blessing to be able to talk to him about things. I mention this as when we get into a marriage, it is in God's eyes that we are one. God is the only one that truly knows all the specifics of ur situation and of the future, so again, my thoughts turn to God. What is he placing on ur heart? Not emotions, but telling you, whispering to you, placing scriptures in ur mind and heart, songs that make a light bulb going on in ur mind and heart... God knows and will tell u. Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking counsel with others. And he can speak through others to have ur heart hear his will. The problem is if we seek others counsel then his, we miss the best counsel we could ever hope to hear... So, what is he telling you ?

Greetings cka nice to meet you. If I was in your place I would flat out confront him, after prayer and peacefully of course, and simply ask him to be honest with you about what he is feeling. Why is he on a vacarion w/o you after 22 yrs of marriage, sad.
I don't mean to be rude but make sure you look your best around him. Get some prayer partners to pray w/you and ask the Holy Spirit to touch your husband's heart also. Check out the Family Forum or Ladies Forum for more replies if you want.

Hello cka. External affairs whether emotional or physical is deadly to a marriage. It’s terrible that you are going through one. I’m going through essentially a divorce right now after 18 years of marriage. I wasn’t having an affair or anything like that, but I didn’t respect the love my wife had for me.

Giving advice on a forum for something this burdensome is not easy to do. Of course we all have our opinions of what should be done, but none of us know the 22 years you have had together.

Since this a Christian forum, I would like to ask what you and your husbands walk with the Lord is? Are you both Believers? And are you trying to love him or are you in love with him?

The reason I ask this is one of the most profound things my soon to be ex-wife said to me was “I tired to love you so hard for so long.” That broke my heart. I gained the sense that she was forcing herself to love me. True selfless love can cover a multitude of sins.

I will pray that you God gives you the answers you seek. The verse that I live by has changed my life as well as my perspective:

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 5:3-6

I am no marriage expert, but I do believe God can fix ANY problem if we lay it at His feet.

Ephesians 3
3:14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
3:15 Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
3:16 That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;
3:17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
3:18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what [is] the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
3:19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
3:20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
3:21 Unto him [be] glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

Hi Cka and welcome to CC.

You have been given good advice, but you may want to have this moved to the Family forum, where it belongs better and will get more coverage.

Hi cka

Are you receiving Christian counselling or secular?
It sounds to me like he is trying to do the right thing but really he has given his heart to another and it makes me wonder whether there has been true repentance to God in his heart....
I'm so sorry you feel lonely and sad, and that this has happened to you... God is faithful... prayer is key... keep close to Him and read His Word every day if you are not already: keep strong in Him.
Wherever He leads you, you will be okay if you stay close to Him even if you have to go through storms and fiery trials, rest in His loving care. Are you in a good church with other believers you can trust and lean on for prayer and wise, loving counsel.

Take good care...
Sending love in Christ🦋

........."The Family Forum, sharing my thoughts." ( this side of the glass )

Hello and welcome Cka, may you get the peace you desire only in God.

There are so many things that can be wrong in a marriage, a couple of paragraphs will barely scratch the surface regarding what led you to where you are. Every life is like a path you walk. There are many forks in the path you choose to take and explore, some leading to adventure, some burdensome, some to cliffs, some to swamps, you get the picture. On our paths we meet all kinds of people and eventually we find a travel buddy to walk with. Your journey and their journey are currently similar, because you are on the same path. Eventually you travel to a fork where both are not equally commited to taking, so one must compromise. When one person has made too many compromises, their journey is not on a path they wanted to be and possibly bitterness has made them cold to their travel buddy. And...along comes somebody traveling in an opposite direction back down the path they came and it is intriguing when they say they are going to find all of the places you wanted to see but never did. Also sometimes one travel buddy says they are going one way, and you go that way, and we will stay in touch. This leads to emotional separation and they are no longer sharing a path just a last name. They are pleasant with eachother, just not one. The other scenario is when the path chosen is hard and the travel buddies blame eachother for their hard road so the journey sucks and so does the company. Sometimes you just have to ask yourself, “Am I loveable?” Not, “Am I a good spouse?” This is such a broad interpretation. The question is, “Am I the spouse my partner wanted? Am I the person they fell in love with? Have I been sensitive to their aspirations or only promoted and executed my own? Have I made them bend too much, push them continually out of their comfort zones? Do they seem happy? Have I made mountains out of molehills? Do expect too much of them, holding them responsible for my happiness? Is my depression a result of my physical condition or from my circumstances?”

Being honest with oneself is hard because humans find excuses for their own behaviours and contempt for other’s. Are you in love with your husband? You said you are trying to love him but feel like giving up. Clearly you see yourself giving CPR to a corpse. You may fear life without him but don’t exactly enjoy life with him. Has your travel buddy gone too far to find him. If you want to truly win his heart back, be his cheerleader. Every man wants to be the hero of his own story. When you challenge, and become adversarial, you become the nemesis in the plot, rather than the woman to rescue. May the Lord open your eyes to see and heal your heart to love again. Be blessed.

Emotional affair- is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship.

So I am presuming this is what happened. What exactly was he seeking emotionally? Has something happened in his life or was something lacking emotionally in your relationship?

I'm sure all of that has been investigated in counseling so probably nothing new can be said on that.

But spiritually your greatest weapon is prayer and seeking a Godly perspective.

Psalm 34:18 New International Version (NIV)
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

(Remember God is with you even if emotionally you cannot feel it.)

Proverbs 3:5-6 New International Version (NIV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

(God is working in your life to guide towards the right direction. Submit fully in mind and body to him. Give him all your trust because he knows the plans for he has for you. We do not always understand so we must live on faith on not by sight.)

2 Corinthians 5:7 New
International Version (NIV)
7 For we live by faith, not by sight.

( Out of faith we find peace because as we abide closer to Christ our minds become more Christ minded.)

Isaiah 26:3 New International Version (NIV)
3 You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.

Matthew 11:28-30 New International Version (NIV)
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

( Christ's yoke or his teachings will bring your weary soul rest. When life kicks you around and beats you down. It is in these moments when people often feel God the most. Because once we get to the point we have lost heart or feel hopeless, at rock bottom we are easier to submit fully to God in a all or nothing response. As we mature as Christians we learn to fully submit sooner before the rock bottom but even that doesn't always prevent the rock bottom.

For a Christian though we have a new perspective while at rock bottom that often provides hope when others in the same situation are hopeless. Our faith is a beacon for others and our rock solid foundation that we wholeheartedly trust and believe that God's perfect will for our lives will be done regardless of the evil or sins that may try to disrupt His plan. God loves you and a all perfect God gives you a perfect example of love. Love is grace, sacrificial and forgiving. God loves you and sacrificed His Son for your sins and the world. Sometimes life is hard as Jesus evidently showed us by dying on the cross. But by faith He fully submitted to the Fathers will. And out that the whole future of mankind was saved. Out of your faith, the future will be blessed. Be strong and remain faithful. Let the peace of Christ rule in your life. Be blessed and dont give up. )

Get a lawyer and see how much you can get in a worse case scenario .. Confront him and whoever he's seeing when led to act .. Pray for guidance and be ready to play hardball if he's at fault .. If your not in shape, get in shape, join an aerobics class and stick with it , transform yourself both mentally , spiritually and physically , the hardest part is the first step .. You can do it and if you still sleep together put something on him that ajax won't take off and don't fool around but get to it and have him a sammich ready, show him what ya got .. That witch he's giving your attention to won't be there for him in his troubles to help him , you will, tell him !!! Tell him to get that witch to come make his supper and wash his clothes or either snap out of it .. Tell him he ain't exactly Elvis anyway but you love him for now and willing to fix it , rededicate to Jesus, play lively Christian music around the house and sing and try use this thing as a positive in your life with prayer and a plan .. And if it works out don't bring up the past .. God Bless Sis , I pray it works out .. Did I mention joining an aerobics class if possible a couple nites a week for your future and avoiding depression .. And don't let circumstances control you, you can win with Jesus, patience and faith in action either way ..

Welcome, cka! I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all this, I can't even begin to imagine the weight this has on you.

I never speak or give advice on anything I haven't personally been through myself, but want you to know I'm still here for you! All I can say (what seems to be what a lot of others are also offering to you) - continue to seek God's advice and answers - honest prayer; ask Him to reveal to you scripture to give you guidance, comfort, peace, answers, and healing through all of this. Lean on what the Lord directly speaks in Job 38-41 for comfort. It just illustrates HOW powerful God is and all that He can do in any and every situation, and how limited we are in our knowledge and understanding of all things (big and small). If you seek His help honestly, He'll give you exactly what you need, when you need, and how you need it. May not be over night - you just have to trust Him! God is the only one that knows your heart, your husbands heart, and the future - He truly is the only One that can guide you through this all.

Sending nothing but love,
Sarah 🤍

Hello cka, welcome to CC

Seems like you’ve been given some really good advice and like others have already said, lay this to the cross let God guide and direct you and your husbands path. I’ve seen couples who have experienced the same thing and have come out even stronger in their marriages only because of God.

Will keep you and your husband in prayers.

May the grace and peace of God be with you sister 💜

Hello cka, welcome to Christian Chat. I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.