Midnight Confessions

As for a confession... Well, it's 2:57 am so I suppose the "midnight" part is fulfilled, haha.

I still sometimes struggle with feeling lovable, especially in a romantic sense. Well, it seems to be going deeper, as I do struggle with believing God loves me at all times but it's been getting better. These days I can almost always believe and trust that He loves me. But there are some days where I lose sight of that truth and fall into doubt / condemnation and it can become a downward spiral.

But when it comes to "human love" that's where I still have a lot of insecurities. My physical appearance is very flawed and I am often concerned that I won't be beautiful enough for a potential husband. I experience unease and even shame when I think about being completely open and "exposed" in someone else's presence and that causes some intimacy issues. Even with friends I have a hard time opening up. For instance, crying in front of someone is still a huge challenge to me and although I know it could be helpful, it makes me feel ashamed and uncomfortable.

Um that was kind of a messy and scattered confession lol. But there you have it.

@zeroturbulence I was "spiritually ill" as well for the past few days and today God healed me through a brother in Christ / dear friend of mine... God is so faithful and He is willing and able to help you "recover"! Is there anything in particular that's causing you trouble?

I believe that you will be more than beautiful enough in the eyes of your future husband and that he will indeed find you to be lovable. Love is more than loving outward beauty but rather loving the inward beauty, a beauty which will transcend to your outward physical appearance.

Thank you for sharing that. Your comment made me feel better. Like you, I have been having a string of bad days lately and last night I was really upset and questioning my faith in God. You are a blessing. ♥

I'm feel spiritually ill.

Im not used to asking permission or getting approval. I just do things like take initiative. which is annoying for my boss. Im sorry.

I have to learn to keep submitting, its a pain as Im used to doing my own thing. My boss is also quite busy running the school and I feel that I cant just interupt her or think she has time for me. She doesnt like surprises..I dont think its a control thing so much but I can see from her point of view its a bit slighting. I like that she is not breathing down my neck and I have a lot of freedom to do things but that also means shes not around when I want to do things...so I just do them!

This has turned out to be quite a problem for me, maybe its lack of patience? or not enough prayer?

Lord let me learn this lesson so I dont stuff up again..!

It truly can be a hard balance can't it? At our school our principal is so busy all the time, so it does seem like a pain to check-in with her, but she's very much someone that wants to know what's going on. What I have found is that she just likes to be kept in the loop, which is a respectful thing to do, given her position.

When you find that balance of taking the initiative when you need to and seeking her out the other times, she will be happy and it will build a mutually respectful relationship. I pray that this will become easier and easier for you. You're not alone in that struggle.

I appreciate your openness and honesty in sharing.

its ok I think I got that off my chest, but then one of my reliever teacher friends who did work under her prior warn me she was kinda odd about stuff. she wouldnt say exactly what though.

Maybe its just the inconsistency that has me confused. She said one thing was ok last year and so I did it and then now this year shes saying something else. I just never know where I am at with her.

Help!!

Sometimes I want a little more from people than what they can give me, at least in that specific moment.
It's hard wanting to be close to someone when they need their space.

Sometimes I long for connection and fellowship but can't have it in the way I would like. That's a little painful.

Sometimes I wish I could see a friend face to face and talk to them directly and give them a hug. But distance, financial difficulties and political tensions make it impossible. That makes me very sad.

I wish I could be with them and encourage them and support them right where they are. My heart longs for them. But I have no other option but to be patient and pray for them from a distance.

I got a text from a lady that I didnt answer cos I wasnt sure what to say.
she was asking me help but not sure if she just sent it to everyone in the group Im part of or just me, and it was more like a demand to help rather than a request, to do a volunteer job shes actually meant to do.

she wanted somebody to deliver these flyers in her area so they can raise money for the garden and said I will leave them at my door for you to pick up tomorrow kind of thing, I will be away well I got this txt after I had finished work for the day and was so tired that I thought why is she asking me cos that takes time when its she agreed to do it. If she really wanted me to do them she would drop them at my place wouldnt she? I was just annoyed and not feeling charitable.

i could have answered and said sorry I cant help you go bother someone else. but thing is she didnt even use my name, didnt say please. And I feel like she was dumping jobs on people. I have had that before with some people you offer to do something for them ONCE and then they feel like they can then take advantage of you all the time. Is it possible not to feel guilty if you dont help out.

I would rather help out in other ways. Also if I was asking a favour of someone I would give them an incentive as well, and not just assume they will do it.

are you going to do it?

I would be tempted to toss the flyers in the trash.

I deleted her txt message, and didnt answer it. Is that bad of me.
If she still wanted me she would call me right? Or check and say hey did you get my message.

I dont take kindly to people dumping their own jobs on other people they dont want to do and not giving a reason why they themselves cant do them.
The flyers cant even be delivered in my area anyway they have to go to another suburb so they are of no use to me.

I want doughnuts