For the People Who Champion Lifetime Singleness - What's Your Advice for Dealing with Single Sexuality?

Matthew... I've been a Christian for 44 years. I can tell you that I have yet to find a solution to the problem of one's sexual drive while single. I call it my enemy, as a single Christian man. There is nothing good in it unless you count the spiritual challenge it presents as good.

Part of our struggle is based in the natural desire itself. Part of it is from the distortion of that natural desire by our sinful nature. I believe the flames here are fanned by demonic actors.

I see only four ways to cope with this, and none of them are perfect.

1. Find a good mate and pray you are sexually compatible.

But, you might say, marriage doesn't keep a man from visually lusting after other women. And, this is true. However, I've found that sex feeds on itself. I.e., the more "active" you and your spouse are, the more sexually focused you are on each other -- you want each other more and others less.

2. Pray against demonic antagonizers, both as a single and as a married man.

It took three years of praying, but after (in my own, crappy, wimpy way) my trying to give God a deeper commitment on a night in June of 2012, I found that without even realizing it, a bad habit had been removed. This anxiety-ridden compulsion that had ruled me for a few years was suddenly gone. I mean a switch was turned off. Instantly. I could not go a day without pursuing this habit that caused sin. All of a sudden, two days had passed and I didn't even think about it. I thought... "Whoa... really??" And I decided to see if this was not just a fluke and watch how I responded over another couple of days. Two more days had passed and again, I hadn't even thought about it. It was GONE!

Now, my sexual lust remained. My natural sex drive remained. But, both were less dominant in my thinking. I had no more desire to sin through that "anxiety-ridden compulsion", and another habit beginning with the letter "m" was reduced by about 50%.

I really think that committing myself more deeply resulted in God knocking something demonic out of my life.

3. Do not feed the flesh.

Yeah, we got to eat. And no, sex in and of itself is not evil. But, our sinful drives can be fueled. Let's not do that. At the gym? Look away from the stimuli as much as humanly possible. Pray for help. Admire the ceiling. Wonder to yourself how they keep the floor so shiny. Try to remember Job's commitment with his eyes to not lust after a girl, as he put it. Avoid the temptations various media present.

I suppose this last one's obvious, but it may be the most difficult to do. I think finding a good spouse is easier.

4. Exercise your brains out.

I never really did this one. But, I can tell you that the one time I tried it, waaayyyy back in college, my sex drive and thoughts were reduced. I busted my hump in my gym classes, pushed myself really hard physically, and I simply drained myself, somewhat, of sexual energy. Unfortunately, this one's hard to maintain long term -- unless your life is physical activity, like, say, Bruce Lee's.


It is not easy bro. There are no easy answers. This is a thorn in every man's side, but it can be mitigated.

I struggle greatly in this area of lust. I have not overcome it and most of the time it seem impossible. However I do think I know the solution. There are two:

1. To be delivered from it by Christ. You can call this a miracle if you like. But in the same way He can take the taste of alcohol from a alcoholic, He could take the desire away. Some claim to be freed from it. The sexual drive just doesn't effect them much. I've never personally met someone who experienced this, but I believe it is possible. Maybe rare, but possible.

2. Is simply temperance. A fruit of the spirit. I'm using the Greek definition meaning discipline and self control. I believe this is the way God truly expects us to deal with it. You say it is a natural desire, true. But so is eating. When Jesus went off to fast, His natural desire to eat sprang up. And along with that natural desire came Satan to tempt Him. Yes it was Christ, but He is our example. He is not an unfair example for those who think that. He is not the only human (part human) who walked the earth to overcome natural desires.

Temperance is important to simply say no to the flesh regardless of what it wants. Paul tells us to practice these things as if we are Olympians practicing sports. Do we practice temperance? Do we put that donut or bag of chips away when we know we don't need it? Or perhaps do we practice being quiet when we know we shouldn't speak. Do we put the remote down when its study time? Do we fast? Fasting will definitely help teach your brain how to overcome natural desire. We don't have fast food only. Fast entertainment or anything else that you need to. Fasting becomes easier the more you do it and if we practice temperance in all areas of our life it will become easier in this area of sexual desire.

Desire is factor in temperance. Do we desire God more than sex? Do we even want to desire God more? The biggest question is do we truly desire for the sexual desire to be gone or are we just tired of the guilt it brings? What is our true desire?

Paul commands us to put on the new man. It's a command, meaning "Just Do It". Not easy, but if it's a command then it's possible. We just have to let Christ in more aspects of our lives. And to practice and do what He told us to do. In my opinion modern Christianity has dropped the ball on this part.

mm I think a lot of christians dont quite practice fasting enough
to overcome temptation

then complain that they cant get rid of their cravings etc.

I think if its something like sex what you do is go hang out at hospital maternity wards, watch babies being born every day, and then see if you still want to have them after watching them cry and scream.

but here I think the silly thing people do is when they are single, they dont enjoy their freedom. Instead, they try and get themselves into MORE bondage by looking at porn. Um how is THAT working out for you.

Listen for a wilderness experience and to overcome...you really need time alone with God. Dont hang out in church and envy all the married couples. And besides, they arent really happy ALL the time, thats not possible. Even then they will see you are single and probably think...possible babysitter!

A lot of couples are very stretched when it comes to childcare actually. even more so if they are single. But see, thats what happens when you have sex. I mean for thousands of years, that is the consequence and always has been.

also it seems not even threat of deadly viruses and diseases will stop people

God knows you have a body meant to house His spirit, so when you take this body and join it to a harlot Hes not going to be happy. Basically He left when people did that to His temple in the OT. Yep people were doing IT right in the temple. They didnt care who with...there was even a trade in temple prostitution.

not aware of temple protitution with the Lords Temple, the false gods yes.

Cannot give any good reasons for people. It just happened to me in love with someone who became my enemy, and decided to stay faithful to it, while she is banging around. 13 years with a false heart will do. And becoming religious. Not a choice at first, would have bumped ugly the first years after it if asked. Will still do it probably if asked. But have chosen to be celibate for life shortly. I was very into sex, and was like rabbits at first, for a long time, 5 times a day, none of us had a job.So obviously important.I get that thing. It is just a thing that happens when you become christian.

The reason I say I will most likely fail now, is because I am not worthy to pray yet, so I am not lying to God if it would happen. But after praying, I will never do it again. And the reason is not very complicated. Sex out of the marriage is wrong. I am not getting married. Doing kind of a munkthing, just scripture and learning. So easy for me. Not easy for others. Sex and soft drugs was my life, so important to me, so the problems both caused me, made it easy for me. So it is tests. I met some old friends lately, that I used to hate, that hates me. Sat in much contempt, jivetalking, Lied about not smoking weed or doing anything, messed up the details in the stories. Asked questions without accusing, just saying OK, hinted that he could get some weed the next time I met him. The time after that I was told he stumbled over some pot by accident, and I could get a gift. Wanted me to have it, it was good for me. Have it on my table two days later. Just tests. I also have found some pills I abused in an apartment I clean out, but does not matter, I have had those pills that messed up my life earlier at my shelf for years, to reming me not to take them and keep strong. We are tested.I made a thread asking if I should smoke weed with that person, because it looked like he needed it, did not get so many answers, but the poll said no. Never asked me to smoke, so not relevant, but got some buds for some reason. Lying on my table right now, I could smoke it, have not done it. Why, I do not know, I used to love it. I think it is a test from God, and I do not know why my former dealer gave it to me for free.I do not think I failed it by taking it, think that was accepting the challenge from God. And whatever happens, is just a learning expirience. And an easy test, since it was so little, it would hardly give me a buzz if I smoked it, just enough to make some ask for more. But I never did ask for more, the politics in drugs, is that you are offered half of what you can get if you can get if you nag. I did not ask for it, so never nagged. I just asked why he smoked when it messed up his life. So, this is the analogy, addiction, sex is addictive, and do you have an addictive personality? I thought I had that. Because I had that, but God changed my heart. Through the holy spirit, because I have never prayed yetSo, I only have a strong faith, no personal relationship with God yet, speaking to him.

I want to turn it around really, why do you need sex?I know the reason of course, since it was 40% of my life, love was 50%, and 10% were drugs, and hard to leave it all. And never knew faith. But as a christian person, who have a personal relationship with God, I do not understand how you can choose sex over God. It is a door closed after praying as far as I am concerned, along with other stuff I liked that might be wrong, like weed. I do not know that one. Waiting for brighter people than me to answer that one. I never viewed it as wrong, but people say it is wrong, because some verses about pharma, and the origin of the word. I do not feel it covers week, since it does not cloud the mind and certainly not that small amount, but undecided. I also did the fasting thing for years. I dropped eating on sundays for years, because I built body, so needed the body to stay hungry and feel hunger, to utilize the nutrition as best it could. As an atheist. Did not like not eating on sundays, but did not enjoy it either, unless I did movienight with some people I loved, or something unexpected happened., so I did it monday instead. Or not at all, if I did lift weights on monday. But it was some sort of conviction for me, before being religious. And I think it is about conviction. But I am not sure at all, just a gutfeeling. Hope it works out for you, why not just marry somebody you love if you want the sexcomponent there? If it is just the acts, and not love you seek, why not just find a spouse and incorporate the act, and God has no problems with that, and you have no faith issue. Why complicate it? Just do it.

Cringy

Agreed on fasting

Hi mindfulzen,

I appreciate the time you take to explain your testimony in your posts -- powerful stuff, so I hope you'll keep sharing.

Like many Christians trying to be "good", I sought not just acts but also love, and so I got married, thinking I was doing the right thing, thinking it would be forever, thinking I was following what the Bible (and everyone who preached it to me) taught.

Unfortunately, it's not a simple formula of Do What You're Told, Pray, Go To Church, and Everything Will Work Out Just Fine.

Many people try to sell this, but that's often not what happens in real life. God is right, and God is holy, but people are not, so even though people try to follow the holy commands of a holy God, a whole bunch of things can go wrong.

My husband left less than 2 years later for a girl we worked with. I didn't find out until about 6 months after he had waited until I was at work, moved out while I was working, and then had papers headed with, "You Are Being Sued for Divorce" sent to me through the mail. I didn't know he had a girlfriend until one of my friends saw them together and called me at 2 AM to tell me (I had waited for him for a several months, then finally left to pursue a job.)

So up until then, I had no "Biblical reason" for divorce, and so the good, pious church people all screamed in my face that I had committed the ultimate sin and was now commanded by God to be alone for the rest of my life. I still get helpful Christians who tell me that, as well as an occasional person here who tells me I have no business hanging out in the Singles Forum.

And I am certainly not the only one who has gone through this.

I have met far too many other fellow Christians who tried to follow what they were taught was right in getting married (not just for sex, but for love, and to dedicate their life to someone,) and they have gone through much, much worse.

All while a plethora of "good Christians" around them condemn and judge, many without ever having gone through it, and dictating what others are and are not allowed to do, while they themselves keep doing whatever they please, including "being good" while remaining married to their spouse, but eyeballing their young co-workers (and/or their computer screens, adult DVD's, etc.) every day.

You asked about marriage, "Why complicate it? Just do it."

Sure, if you're willing to take such a casual risk, go right ahead.

But you'll have to be prepared for the spiritual, financial, emotional, and legal fallout that is very likely to soon follow.

Well that is good, we agree on some. fasting is good, not doing it no more, but good advice for you.

Hello, get notif.d after I reply t, have y falsew reported me, and I should sto
QUOTE="billydot, post: 1729672, member: 8869"]
That a lie, a boldface lie. Sweden has been well behind all of its neighbors from the beginning.
[/QUOTE]
¨Prove it then. Your minor hangup, that we do have the verdict on in a few weeks when various nations are up to 80% vaxxed in many european countries. Sweden will be the controlnation, since it chose another strategy. I made a point about the NOW, and the period in TOTAL, not in the beginning. Point is, that Sweden got more infections in the beginnin, and they becmae immunized naturally, so not the studies can begin. In two weeks as they tell us. Sweden is pretty much on par with Norway, and it should be the same case with denmark, and probably finnish. But finnish is impossible to read for me, which is why they are not a part of scandinavia. Keep your opinion, I keep mine. And a lesson to you to take with you later in life, do not namecall if you want people to do your legwork. You called me a liar, without proving it. So, now the situation that you cannot get that information, because you cannot read scandinavian languages. Read the terms of service, I think it violates the rules, so I cannot reply in kind.No namecalling, no arguing angry, only nice exchange of ideas is what I got from reading them. Not linestepping it now.Do not feel the need to get reported on an issue that does not matter to me.Herimmunity of 80% or 90% in a few weeks I heard. So why should I care? Way over mission accomplished as our experts have stated.And I will not get it, never considered it, and I think I have decided now. I do not like angry people bleeping about this.Obviously wrong to take when people of anger tells you to do it, and call you name. Thanks, good to be done with that. You converted me into antivax it seems. You are a great antipreacher. Please become a minister in the church of Satan. And attack that congregasion calling them names. Then they will perhaps convert to christianity.
replying to you?

¨Prove it then. Your minor hangup, that we do have the verdict on in a few weeks when various nations are up to 80% vaxxed in many european countries. Sweden will be the controlnation, since it chose another strategy. I made a point about the NOW, and the period in TOTAL, not in the beginning. Point is, that Sweden got more infections in the beginnin, and they becmae immunized naturally, so not the studies can begin. In two weeks as they tell us. Sweden is pretty much on par with Norway, and it should be the same case with denmark, and probably finnish. But finnish is impossible to read for me, which is why they are not a part of scandinavia. Keep your opinion, I keep mine. And a lesson to you to take with you later in life, do not namecall if you want people to do your legwork. You called me a liar, without proving it. So, now the situation that you cannot get that information, because you cannot read scandinavian languages. Read the terms of service, I think it violates the rules, so I cannot reply in kind.No namecalling, no arguing angry, only nice exchange of ideas is what I got from reading them. Not linestepping it now.Do not feel the need to get reported on an issue that does not matter to me.Herimmunity of 80% or 90% in a few weeks I heard. So why should I care? Way over mission accomplished as our experts have stated.And I will not get it, never considered it, and I think I have decided now. I do not like angry people bleeping about this.Obviously wrong to take when people of anger tells you to do it, and call you name. Thanks, good to be done with that. You converted me into antivax it seems. You are a great antipreacher. Please become a minister in the church of Satan. And attack that congregasion calling them names. Then they will perhaps convert to christianity.
replying to you?[/QUOTE]

Leftovers from another thread you responded to?

Leftovers from another thread you responded to?[/QUOTE]
If you make a point, you make a counterpoint the control as usual, right? Do not wabt to tell my nation, SCANDINAVIAN, big letters. We dp ask, not mandates. No, you mDW point about the åast, w we done, not arguing.

If you make a point, you make a counterpoint the control as usual, right? Do not wabt to tell my nation, SCANDINAVIAN, big letters. We dp ask, not mandates. No, you mDW point about the åast, w we done, not arguing.[/QUOTE]

My post made YOUR post look as if it was something I quoted or wrote, which I did not. And then you wound up posting in such a way that it made my post asking if this was something leftover look like your own, which it was not.

If you were trying to quote MY post, I'm guessing that when you tried to hit the "Reply" button, it brought up something from another thread you were quoting from or answering.

Whatever argument you are trying to win or end, it's not in this thread.

I do not have the gift of singleness. I failed to save myself for marriage.

But I will say there is truth to idle hands being the Devil's playground. That and take care about the kinds of friends you make.

My post made YOUR post look as if it was something I quoted or wrote, which I did not. And then you wound up posting in such a way that it made my post asking if this was something leftover look like your own, which it was not.

If you were trying to quote MY post, I'm guessing that when you tried to hit the "Reply" button, it brought up something from another thread you were quoting from or answering.

Whatever argument you are trying to win or end, it's not in this thread.[/QUOTE]
I do not lnow the glitches, been a bit buggy. This is supposed to be posted in the covid thread.Might be as simple as mixing tabs I have open. Sorry. Did a thread where I said we had to wait 2-3 weeks till we got 80% fully vaxxed, then we could compare Swedeen to the rest of EU.

My post made YOUR post look as if it was something I quoted or wrote, which I did not. And then you wound up posting in such a way that it made my post asking if this was something leftover look like your own, which it was not.

If you were trying to quote MY post, I'm guessing that when you tried to hit the "Reply" button, it brought up something from another thread you were quoting from or answering.

Whatever argument you are trying to win or end, it's not in this thread.[/QUOTE]
I see, I checked another message board that would not load right, and site went offline for some hours. I copied my comment and was going to reload and paste it in, after page loading forever. But it never worked again. So I somehow have pasted it in here without realizing it, That is a shame. I will get back to track, you understand where it was lost.

Sorry to hear about your history with your spouse. I am not telling you to stay single or get married. I told you all my reasons for choosing celibacy in a few months, and that I could still fail. The bit about not complicating it, and just do it, that is for christians who talk about marriage with somebody nice for family, instead of the love. They can learn to love somebody nice, and if the important thing is to be right for God, and they have identified that as they say, then just do it and keep the faith. It may not be right for you, or me.

I would not mind condemnation from others, and if your church communal is like that, might not be right for you. I do not judge, intentionally at least, but assume I fail from time to time. Only God can judge. If I say it is wrong to have sex outside marriage, it is just a conviction from the scripture, not judging. God said, I follow, his judgement. Faith is not communa,l to me, it is personal, between me and God. We are also told to beware of false prophets, so if we were to listen to what others said instead of our hearts, we might be lead by false prophets. I do not know any christian people in real life. Only hardcore atheists. So cannot relate to your congregationthing. I have never attended church other than for christmasconcerts.Have not finished reading the bible yet.25% covered. Do not know what church is right for me yet, if there is one that is right at all here. Mainly protestand and catholic here, and I think both are wrong. Perhaps I have to join one, not sure, do not think it is required though.

But if we take religion out of it. Is it right that others invade your life, butting into your religion or relationships? Overruling your feelings, telling you how to live, and how your faith is to be? And you are supposed to listen to those who do not know you, your heart, your faith, over your own voice, who lived your life and have your own expiriences. I say no. Stand up for yourself.

Hi mindful,

I grew up in church. If you're part of the Christian community for a long enough time, you'll come to see it's strengths and weaknesses, just like any other group of people. I know there is sometimes a thought that Christian groups or churches are some kind of spiritual utopia, but in my experience, it's anything but the case.

And being divorced will often brand you as an "Undesirable #1" for life in those circles.

As for standing up for myself, yes, I left my childhood church. But I have often just found more of the same. One of the great things about being here on CC is that over the years I've found a very supportive group of other believers, some of whom have gone through similar events.

I hope you find a strong believing community here to support your growing faith as well. (Great work in reading the Bible -- keep going!)

Thank you for sharing.

I understand the communitything, personally I have never considered any christian groups as a spiritual utopia. Here we are majority atheists who just drag kids to church against their will at certain times a year, and do baptism and conformation out of tradition because everybody just do it. And many have one or two christian parent who they do not want to felll bad about dropping it. So hypocrits mainly. I did not want to get confirmated in a lie, but was forced to, threats about not getting money to buy a moped, and when sticking to my conviction I was told that I had no say in it. I wanted to be in truth and not do it, but was made to lie in church and pretend that I accepted Jesus when I rejected him. So that cannot be my community or church, made a 15 year old kid lie to God in church. I will have to ask forgiveness for this later on. I could do without that. Not sure if I am to blame for it, since confirmation is thee step into adulthood. And God viewed me as a kid, and only later in life things are mine to atone for.

If the sentiment in this one. which is my latest expirience with a churchcommunity, fits with yours, I would find a new. Only for God to judge. How is it a sine to get divorced, if you did not issue the paperwork, and it was a saecular protest that you could not prevent? A sin would have to be an action with intent, as I understand it. If it was your former husbands intent and action, I think the congregation is unfairly disperaging you. would not be undesirable forr me for that reason. Faith is personal, if I loved you, I would marry you regardless of your past, if you had true faith. My marriage would be betwween me, you and God, not the community. Marriage is personal, as is faith, it is not a majority vote by any community.

I liike this community, they are very helpful in pointing me to important verrses, and sharing takes on them with. I do not feel I need more.

I'm not sure you can have true community without a certain level of accountability to a common standard. It often gets distorted in practice but to a certain extent you should have trusted people in your church who have the right to get involved in your business and call you out on hypocrisy or sin. Faith is personal but it isn't just personal; it's about being part of something larger than you are.
One of the most interesting comments I ever read on work, church, and community life was about how the early church decided to think of and call their meetings a liturgy. Because at the time, a liturgy was a great public work like oh lemme just go grab the book and quote from it:

Liturgy's an odd word, even awkward, for the early church to have chosen to describe its acts and forms of worship... Liturgy originally meant a public work - something accomplished by a community for a community. A town bridge, for instance or a village well or a city wall ... The oddness and awkwardness of the church's decision to import this word is even greater when we realized they had a word for worship close at hand, a word within a wide circulation within a religious context: orgy. ... Orgy described a public even that produced a private, usually ecstatic experience. It was the word pagan religions used for their worship... the emphasis was always squarely on the emotional experience of the individual.

So this personal faith you talk about (and it's not just you but a good chunk of what passes as popular Christianity in the US as well, so don't feel like I'm singling you out) sounds a whole lot more like orgy than liturgy or to put it another way: Yes we need a personal connection to God, but our life with God is lived out in the context of other people and our interactions with them and how we treat them are also part of our relationship with God and we should all encourage each other to more faithful living to God in our personal lives. For each of us our faith is not meant to be solely for our own benefit but also for the benefit of the others around us.

I would also say that back when I was part of a church that was big on emotional worship; I loved it but I also sometimes referred to worship as my drug of choice since sometimes I did escape into prayer and worship when I was having trouble dealing with life (which is much better than escaping into destructive behaviors, but God isn't there just to give us warm fuzzies everytime things get hard either).