Affairs. Salvation. And a long marriage story

The way your husband has reacted, to be more distant and wanting space, is no surprise considering what he has been through. I am not blaming you entirely since you mentioned coming from a dysfunctional home. I think you may need some counseling, and after that marriage counseling. Your husband may also need some counseling on his own.

I think the first thing you should do is find a way to comfort your husband.
Just like the posts you read here give you comfort.
When your husband finally gets emotional comfort, and it is you also get comfort.
You also have to understand that no matter what your husband will think of you in the end, you have to learn to forgive him, just as Christ forgives us.
And you think your husband is cold to you, have you ever thought about the same question for yourself, and whether you're as cold to your husband as you are?
One more thing you need to care about is that, as things stand, your children are a bridge to your relationship, and you have to catch that.
Don't know how old your child is, you can also focus on educating your children about the Bible, not just your husband needs to know Jesus.

pray for you.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 john 1:9 NIV

God had forgiven you, but now you need to forgive yourself. You are born again, not of the flesh, but of the Spirit. You are made a new creation in God's eyes:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 cor. 5:17 NKJV

My advice to you is to confess your sins early and often and without excuse. Only through continuous daily cleaning will you move forward in your walk with God.

Even when the Holy Spirit convicts me of the smallest sin, I am on my knees. As a mature follower, I still sin, but it is more spontaneous than planned. Also, I am more sensitive to my sin and the spiritual battle raging inside me. However, immediately upon repentance, I have peace once again.

When your husband and children see you humbling yourself before God, begging for forgiveness daily, they will come to understand how committed you are toward the goal of sanctification. They will see a peace within you that surpasses all understanding. And hopefully, they will eventually ask how they can receive the same.

I cannot provide you with any Scriptural references to support what I am about to say, so accept my apologies. That said, I would say that when we confess our sins, we must choose who to confess them to. If our confession is going to bring remarkable pain and agony to the one in whom we're about to confess, I wouldn't do it. We are to protect the hearts of those we love. So, we must assess whether or not our admissions are going to bring healing . . . or disaster. I realize that this does not help you with the current situation, but I would recommend taking this advice with you into the future.

What can you do now? Take it upon yourself to become the absolute best person that you can be, but not just for yourself, but for your husband. First, I would recommend that you take your own actions to become the best person possible so that the evidence is shown that you truly care not only about the quality of your own life, but the quality of your husband's life as well. After you have begun taking remarkable steps, and if you can find a way, ask [him] what it is that you can do to gain his trust and affection. Know that you cannot put a time limit on his pain. In other words, if you have caused this pain, it is not fair for you to say, "Wow. I've been trying for five years now, and he still won't turn his heart in my favor. That is how this works. We don't get to determine how long a person is wounded because of our actions. If you Truly love him, you MUST be willing to continue to prove yourself for the rest of your life. It is also good to remember that you are not your own anymore, but the property of your husband. I'm not picking on you, for your husband is also the property of you . . . this is a two-way street.

So, if you have the heart to give up in this marriage, should his heart never turn around, then the giving up will only deepen his hurt, and he will thus say, "See. She gave up anyway. She really didn't care."

And this is why it is critical to literally become the best person you can possibly be. And what is that type of person? Read the entire Bible and take note of every passage that outlines the True personality and character of a genuine Christian. There is much, so much material that outlines what and who a True Child of God is. Be sure to daily ask that God would cause you to become this person, for you cannot do it on your own volition. The Power to change comes from the Lord Himself.

I believe in you, and it is time that you believe in you as well. And why shouldn't you believe in yourself? Has your husband been perfect? Do you know anyone that has been perfect? No. No one is perfect. No one is without blame, so even though your husband is saying hurtful things to you, and MUST not allow those things to hurt your sense of confidence. Believe in yourself as a good, healthy, balanced person. Just because your husband is upset with you and is punishing you, this should, in now way, translate into how you view yourself. Just because a person is upset with you, this does not mean that you are to be upset with yourself. So, get over what you have done. Forgive yourself so that you can carry on in your marriage without a broken heart. You MUST conquer your own sense of brokenness for what you have done. Again, your husband is not perfect, so he should expect you to be. But you cannot determine what he thinks; however, you can determine what you think about yourself. So from today onward, your job is to begin to view yourself as a good, healthy, balanced Child of God.

Again, I believe in you. You can do this.

Thank you. I do find comfort in shifting my focus to my children, but the weight of my guilt is heavy. He is extremely difficult to comfort emotionally as he will not receive it. He asks to be left alone and him, being a super quiet, cold, no empathetic person, I think that’s the best thing I can do for him.

Annie, are you still living in the same house as your husband, and are you being counselled by a Christian lady mentor, someone you can trust in to disclose your innermost fears to, and get encouragement and advice from? I'm assuming your husband isn't getting any counselling, is that true?

Annie, are you still living in the same house as your husband, and are you being counselled by a Christian lady mentor, someone you can trust in to disclose your innermost fears to, and get encouragement and advice from? I'm assuming your husband isn't getting any counselling, is that true?

He refuses counseling. Does not think it will help him. I’ve tried for years and years. I just tried on Monday evening again.

It's good that you are getting counselling 👍

Besides your counsellor, are you able to get emotional support from church members, or other members of your family?

Annie, are you still living in the same house as your husband, and are you being counselled by a Christian lady mentor, someone you can trust in to disclose your innermost fears to, and get encouragement and advice from? I'm assuming your husband isn't getting any counselling, is that true?

but I think he was saying that your new life and the chaste behaviour that comes with it, besides the obvious benefit to yourself, may also woo your husband to seek Jesus out.

And yes, we are still living in the same house. I hope forever.

I'm only asking these questions out of concern for your emotional and mental welfare.

Have you thought about moving out of home for a while, or would your husband be willing to do that? With you there in the home he may constantly be reminded of the object of his hurt, and with he being there, and his present manner towards you, you will constantly be reminded of his rejection of you.

Putting space between warring parties often hastens the healing. The war in his mind will be a deep feeling of betrayal, and for yourself, a deep feeling of guilt and rejection. If you don't see your husband's manner softening towards you within the next few weeks or so, for your own health's sake you may need to pull away. I realise there are children involved, so their needs will need to be accommodated, and part of that is they shouldn't have long term exposure to disharmony between parents.

There's no single scripture that comes to mind that gives precise direction here, except for the one Paul used to describe love, and the two commandments Jesus gave us to observe.

Thank you for your advice. It is difficult coming home at night after work to a cold husband. And it is difficult being in my home because none of it feels real, and I will take space, but I won’t move out. I won’t leave my children without their mom and dad in one place unless that is what my husband wants. We are not fighting in front of the kids. We have in the past, but we are not now. We are working together well as parents.