The Banned Game

Ms Jenny was surprised, yet pleased, to discover the fact that a cafe was existing in Antarctica. The presidential team had beaten up the gold tooth with their slogans and long winded speeches until he couldn’t take anymore of listening to them. Captain Trump threatened him with a rerun of a Make America Great Again chant, and Captain Biden would ask him the same question over and over again if he didn’t cooperate.

The golden boy had fallen on hard times.

MIss Greenlips Hine was on the computer again, dealing with yet further chain emails from Rubyland and Jennymeasia

The inbox was flooded while she was away with 'news feed' items

It seems that the other Empresses were now being raped. Both of them were now in bed with the enemy. Miss Greenlips Hine yawned. It was possibly Mosetarians fake news again to make them seem like a power when they really werent. Miss Greenlips Hine had suspicions on who really was the father of the foundling.

He who must not be named, she thought, wondering what she could type on bubs new birth certificate.

Ms Jenny was surprised to learn that the Mosestarian propaganda machine had made the Empress of Lanoliand even consider the possibility of her being raped or in bed with the enemy. Well, enough of that, the Mosestarian propaganda pamphlets could make anyone start doubting themselves. Ms Jenny had other problems on her plate. She was currently seated at a cafe in Antarctica which was clearly a Mosestarian front. Her party was the two Captains of the presidential team. The two of them were courting her enthusiastically, and even they were a good piece of decades older than her she thought it was both sweet and fun. “It’s an honor to make your acquaintance, Ms Jenny, my country could really use Jennymaesia as a partner”, Captain Biden said in a clear moment. Two minutes later he would say it again. “You can count on the US when I get elected president come 2024”, Captain Trump declared pridefully, “I will drain Mosestaria out of the map.”

Ms Jenny giggled like a teenage girl and involuntarily her cheeks went all red. “So y’all can guarantee that the US will help us if it comes to war?” she inquired. “Yes, Ma’am! We will be very positive about being supportive of your case!” the two very old geezers assured her.

They couldn’t stop gazing at her magical hair. Her hair had that effect on men. Maybe she was a witch? Casting spells left and right? Ms Tizzy, that dried out excuse for a lady, for sure would soon get to know Ms Jenny’s powers. She would definitely incarcerate that woman on occasion. For now being hit on by the two captains would suffice.

Miss Greenlips Hine deleted all the propaganda rubbish news feed items from the inbox and placed a SPAM block on it.

Enough of that she had more important things to think about - what to name bubba?

The Baroness and Camilla were sipping gin and tonics and getting progressively drunker as they replayed the highlights of the Royal Command Perfomance.

My dear possum Camilla , The Baroness cooed. Your hair would be ravishing in red just as mine is magical in mauve!

Oh I dont know, I think ghostly grey suits me as I can match Fred (Camillas pet name for Charles) . If I dyed it red, he would have to dye his red as well.

He could just wear a beret or the crown jewels, laughed the Baroness.

True, considered Camilla. Where would I get the colour from anyway? Where do you go to get yours done?

I go to Lady Abigails when Im in London to get my touch ups.

Lady Abigails? My step-daughter in law has now bought her out. She changed the name to Megs Legs, Pegs and Wigs. She now sells her knock of Shittim designer fashions and shoes and hats she doesnt wear anymore. I couldnt possibly set foot in there.

How bout I go on your behalf and check her out. Besides I must find a new outfit to wear for my new fiance

I didnt know you were seeing anyone

THe Baroness tapped a manicured fingernail to the side of her nose. I call him my 'toyboy'. Now dont go upsetting Fred, Im sure the two can play nicely together despite the age difference.

The Tour of Beauty was called off and Rachel Hunter was redeployed and reassigned to a new role as Aunty Rachel by President Lanolin (now GodMama Lanolin)

Aunty Rachel converted all her nutribullets to Bulimibaby machines making milk smoothies for the new baby. The lipstick and mascara shipments from Rubyland and Jennymaesia she ordered for review would now be converted into crayons and felt tip pens for preschoolers.

Miss Greenlips Hine launched a clean up the Red Sea Garbage Patch campaign employing Empress Rubys garbage vaccumming sharks for clean up job and planting kelp forests the length of Lanolinland so the waters surrounding the country would be protected.

Still there was no word from the father of the found bubba. How long would they have to wait? Godmama Lanolin could publish his name and humiliate him on the Lanovision because it was on the cancelled passport. But she diplomatically decided not to, waiting to see if he would claim his child. If He was REALLY a dad, he would be desperate to have his child back.

Unbeknownst to all, Hairy is building his base-

The poor Chieftain was officially browbeaten. Not used to engaging in the long-winded, dead-end, no-action speeches of politicians, he had only agreed to attend the cafe bruncheon because his VIP guest, E Jenny, had insisted. The hilarity of Captain Biden's apparent life in another dimension quickly wore off, and the Chieftain found himself fighting to stay awake with the strategically raised and lowered tones of Captain Trump's hypnotising voice. Indeed, it was only his two main concerns that helped keep him alert - the embarrassing thought of Captain Biden sniffing his guest's hair, or the horrifying thought of Captain Trump 'forgetting' to keep his hands to himself.

The Lanolinland propaganda machine hadn't helped. If anything, it should have provided some comfort - "I mean, what truthful thing has ever come out of the Lanolinland propaganda machine", the Chieftain thought to himself - but it didn't provide any solace.

Moses knew that neither Captain had an impeccable record in dealing with the weaker sex, but he did not intend to have the Mosestarian section of Antarctica tarnish its reputation with the proclivities of either of the old geezers. "What happens in Jennymaesia can stay in Jennymaesia," he thought to himself. "Or wherever else it may come from. So long as it does not sully the fair, virgin snow of Antarctica - Mosestarian sector."

He wondered again if he had done well by E Jenny, with the restoration of her blazing-red, magical hair. "Perhaps she would be better off bald?" he wondered. "Then at least she probably wouldn't have to deal with such as these..."

He comforted himself with the thought that he could post an extra guard outside E Jenny's guest room this evening. The captains could sleep under lock and key in the dungeon, if they desired to lodge. 'Twas more than either of them deserved.

Miss Greenlips Hine gasped, her instagram feed from Shittimstan was no longer showing regular selfies of Hairy. He had been taken over by the enemy as well!

The world indeed was coming to an end. She decided Aunty Rachel would need to take regular snapchats of the baby and post them up for everyone to see...or maybe webcam video 24/7 ....if she could set it up though. Aunty Rachels hands were quite full now with the constant whirring of the Bulimibaby machines.

Miss Greenlips Hine diverted her instagrams to filter out Shittimstan who had no child friendly policy, in fact, they did not even seem to care that a bub was found in the dump, and she didnt forget how they had treated the guinea pigs.

She looked at Godmama Lanolin who was in her rocking chair, holding the baby. Both had fallen asleep. Looking after a baby was exhausting.

Peter Jackson was filming the big battle scene for King Kong 2. He had got weta workshop to create an entire set in miniature of the metropolis, in which he inserted all the highest towers of the land, the trump tower, the cn tower, the empire state building, the great wall and tower of Jennymaesia and what looked like an ice hotel from Antarctica. He also recreated a giant Queensland pineapple and Ohakune carrot. He was going to CGI Hairy into climbing the skytower to rescue Keisha Castle Hughes aka Queen A. The electricity had gone out and the lift was not working. She was was supposed to be meeting Mrs Hairy for high tea.

The only thing was Hairy seemed confused about which tower he was meant to climb. Come on Hairy, coaxed Sir Peter. Hairy looked blankly at the screen. It was green, he couldnt see anything.

Ms Jenny had to think the situation over. The Mosestarians had treated her fairly well, except for the nail frying lady. The two captains had tried to save her, but eventually she needed to be saved from them. At first it was fun, but like men of power usually behaved, the fun turned into horror when day became night. Oh well, the curse of being the weaker vessel surfaced per usual.

Maybe she ought to invite them to Jennymaesia and introduce them to the amazones? Have them go through the feeling of being the weaker vessel before she sent them back home? The amazones had a thing for presidents, and they didn’t take no for an answer.

Tha Amazones had been building their book empire for a few decades now and were now worldwide. They had even reached the moon. But they had utterly failed to infiltrate the market in former Mosestaria because there nobody actually read any books they just watched tv and ate cheese all day instead.

What can we do, the Mosestarians seem as thick as two planks, or maybe bricks? pondered the CEO
Send them the thickest books and encourage them to use them as bench presses? suggested the directoress of marketing
The acquistions team searched for the thickest book they had.

Heres one...its sort of Grey's Anatomy in size. Its called Beauty vs the Beast and its a hagiography of Empress Jennymaesia and its about 810 pages long. Most of it pictures.
I did not know the Empress of Jennymaesia qualified for sainthood, remarked one Amazone.
Well once you read this book there is no doubt. She practically saved Rubyland singlehandedly from being overrun by crocs.
The shoe or the animal?
Er...both

As Eagle One departed the Antarctic cafe, Eagle Two and Eagle Three exchanged worried glances. Although they might not agree with their brother's sense of morality, he was still their brother.

"All for one..." Eagle Two started reluctantly.

"...And one for all!" Eagle Three finished, unenthusiastically.

Eagle Two and Eagle Three then stood, and followed their brother outside, and all the way back to the Rubyland hospital where E Ruby had been admitted.

"I'm sorry sirs, what is your purpose here?" the attendant at the entrance to the hospital asked. "There is Mosestarian Malady spreading about like a wildfire, and we can't just let anyone into the hospital."

"We're here to see E Ruby" explained the three clones in unison.

"Oh, I see. Well, I'm sorry sirs. Only direct relatives of the patients are permitted into the hospital."

"I'm her father," explained Eagle Three.

"I'm her husband," explained Eagle Two.

"She's my patient," explained Eagle One.

"Oh, errr, I see," answered the hospital clerk, trying to take all the information in at once. "Well, I guess if you are her doctor," the clerk said, adjusting her spectacles and trying her hardest to distinguish any difference in appearance between Eagle One and the other two clones, "I guess Dad and Hubby can go with you."

"Excellent!" replied Doctor Eagle.

"Oh, but before you go through, please may I see your I'm-Not-Mosestarian Passports?" asked the clerk.

"No need," explained Doctor Eagle looking backward at the hospital clerk, as the three strode past the checkpoint. "I've checked them already - these two are most definitely not Mosestarian."

By the time the three clones had entered the intensive care facility, they'd adorned themselves with apparel more suited to hospital roles.

The three encountered E Ruby in a hospital bed, barely able to sit up, and connected via various tubes to an assortment of machines. A nurse was speaking to E Ruby, holding a clipboard in front of her weakened frame, and offering her a pen. Eagle Two noted that the pen did not look expensive at all.

"I just need you to sign here, dear. You won't be needing your organs for very much longer - let someone else use them when you shuffle off this mortal coil..."

"Nonsense!" exclaimed Eagle Two crossly, snatching the paper from the nurse's clipboard, and tearing it up in front of her. "E Ruby is as tough as an old boot, and I'm going to see to it that she outlasts her great, great, great, great grandmother Rubina's record."

At the mention of her great, great, great, great grandma Rubina, E Ruby weakly opened her eyes a little more. Had she arrived yet? Was this Heaven? Could the family matriarch be here already?

"And I take great offense at you preying on my weak daughter!" exclaimed Eagle Three indignantly. "Trying to steal her organs simply because your hospital is too shoddy to offer the life-saving medicines she needs! I do intend to sue you and your hospital into oblivion!"

The nurse was looking a little guilty and a lot worried. "Who are you, and who let you in here?" she asked the clones angrily.

"I let them in!" interjected Doctor Eagle, as he scooped a spoonful of foul-tasting medicines into E Ruby's mouth. "I'm E Ruby's doctor, and I'm very unhappy with the level of service you've been providing my patient," he scowled. "Most unethical!"

Eagle One knew that he could have his medical licence revoked if ever the Medical Board were to find out that he had administered medicine without providing E Ruby fully-informed consent. However, given his medical licence was as fake as his I'm-Not-Mosestarian Passport, and the medicine he had administered was an all-natural concoction of herbs and spices developed over centuries by the wisest of Mosestarian wise men, and ultimately, that he knew it would work, it was a chance he was willing to take.

Eagle One kicked off the brakes on E Ruby's mobile bed. "Nurse!" he exclaimed. "I'm taking my patient to another ward."

Eagle One strode out of the intenstive care ward, closely followed by Eagle Two and Eagle Three, wheeling a weak-but-rapidly-strengthening E Ruby, and an assortment of machines still connected to her via various tubes.

what happens if you drink too much blue milk? Asked Aunty Rachel of Godmama Lanolin when she had woken. Aunty Rachel lined up the bottles of her Lanolinland milk smoothies that she had gently heated up to lukewarm.

well, said Godmama Lanolin, it depends... it can give you an unattractive blue milk moustache in mild cases or turn you into a blueberry in the extreme. Or it can give you a terrible case of amnesia.

Miss Greenlips Hine gasped..again. She now knew then those prank calls coming from Rubyland were because Empress Ruby had unwittingly drank the blue milk.

Oh no, is there any remedy? Or antidote?

well my special Ginseng Elixir can help, said Godmama Lanolin, although you cant drink too much or it will make you look too young.

The Prince of Wales wanted to expand his terrority and become the Prince of New South Wales as well. This required strategic planning. He was patiently waiting for mummy to die so he could inherit the throne. But he had to provide for wifey as well so the Baroness would ensure that all retirement options were considered.

1) Baroness would marry Santa Claus and would settle in former Mosestaria now vacant and up for a power grab thanks to Empress Rubys amnesia and renamed Evereverland
2) Climate change would happen and North Pole Christmas operations would move South to Antarctica
3) The Ancient treaty between the UK and Downunder would be invoked, ceding the baronetcy into his rule
4) Mummy would kick the bouquet and Charles would be crowned King
5) King Charles would then retire to the South Seas leaving what remains of the rest of the British empire equally divided between Wills and Harry
6) Gladioli would grow out of the tires becoming the eightwonder of the world, the tyre gardens of Evereverland
7) Santa Claus would keep delivery costs down in the Southern Hemisphere and he would be knighted for his services
8) Baroness would become Dame Edna
9) Camilla would start wearing a ravishing red wig, wearing ruby red lipstick, and mascara and dressing in the latest Shittimstan designer outfits, nobody could accuse her of being 'frumpy'

Charles quickly wrote down his vision in his diary. He would accomplish all this by the end of the year. Hopefully. If his crystal ball was correct. It was one thing his first wife had left behind that he hadnt got around to throwing away

Ruby slipped in and out of consciousness as she was wheeled away to an unknown destiny by the three Mosterian clones. They stopped off at the discharge desk to sign the papers and whilst doing so Ruby became slightly conscious enough to see herself in the mirrored wall.
Ghastly!!! she thought as saw her image. She was dressed in this hospital gown that was way too big and seemed to have been put on her wrong. She had no trace of makeup, no watermelon lip gloss that she loved to wear and no trace of lush mascara. Her hair was an absolute mess. It was too much for her, she slipped back into unconsciousness.
As she was unconscious she wondered what her fate would be. She was thinking not good as she knew the clones were following their Chieftan's orders. She also knew the Chieftan did not think of her favourably as she had once overheard him say to his faithful cousin Mordecai that "Empress Ruby was a thorn in his flesh and he would be happy to see the last of her"
She hoped she would be buried wearing a beautiful gown, have her makeup and hair done professionally and that the hairdresser knew how to style long hair.

The hour had finally arrived.

The notable but sworn enemy of Mosestaria, Empress Ruby of Rubyland, had been neutralised. Admittedly, the neutralisation had occurred via some interfering of the handsome but devious Incredible Tommy, which was not entirely foreseen by the Chieftain (if at all), but nonetheless, in mere moments, the Great Chieftain would again be Chieftain of all Mosestaria.

Empress Jenny had departed the Mosestarian sector of Antarctica on fairly amicable terms. Apparently, she was going to teach Captains Biden and Trump the feeling of being the weaker vessel, with some friends she seemed to be acquainted with back in Jennymaesia, the Amazones. The Chieftain had almost volunteered to go himself, because he was always interested in how the weaker vessels can have almost all the same componentry as the stronger vessels, yet still somehow manage to make a mess of it. However, a stony look in E Jenny's eye as she was explaining her plan made him think this might be an adventure best undertaken another time. In addition to provision of E Jenny with some personal guards to ensure the Captains would be on their best behaviour around the empress on the journey back, the Chieftain also presented E Jenny with a great treasure of Mosestaria's Antarctic Sector - the Red Ruby of Lovely Lips and Friendship. It was from a happier time, when Rubylanders and Mosestarians had been friends, and there had been no talk of salmonella poisoning or prophecising. In return, E Jenny had promised to immediately withdraw all Jennymaesian armed forces from Mosestaria, leaving the Rubylander defenders as the only remaining occupying force.

But then... Suddenly, and without warning, disaster struck. Tzipora entered the Inner Sanctum, to bring some grave news. "Oh great Chieftain of Mosestaria, and my master," she pleaded.

The Chieftain smiled. He had yet to find a real fault with this weaker vessel. Perhaps sometimes, women could get it all right?

"What is it, Tzipora?" the Chieftain answered.

"The clones, my liege. In a moment of weakness, it appears they may have rescued your enemy from the doom predicted upon her long ago by the prophecising of the great, great, great, great Grandmother Rubina..."

The Chieftain sighed. It appeared his re-invasion plans of Mosestaria would now have to wait.

The clones shoved Ruby into the back of a van where she had to endure an hour ride on some pretty bumpy roads. At times the bumps were so big it woke her from her coma. As she awoke she heard the clones talking.
"what should we do with her" Eagle One asked.
"we can't take her back to the HQ's" Eagle Two replied.
"What about that cave we're about to pass. You know the one we keep saying we should explore" said Eagle Three.
"Good thinking Eagle Three" the two clones chirped.
They wheeled her out and placed her in the cave. It was dark and musky and there were all sorts of critters sheltering in there.
Ruby awoke for a few minutes and heard her stomach growl. Would love a steak sandwich and chips she thought. Wish I was back in my Rubyland headquarters. Instead I am in this dump whilst that scoundrel creep Hulk is reigning over my country.
She slipped back into her coma.

Ms Jenny was hailed by her people on arrival. The two captains were trailing right behind her. They were both displeased for not being hailed themselves, but nobody had organized anything remotely in the proximity of “Hail to the Chief”. “What kind of place is this?” they said in unison. “We expect to be hailed when arriving at places!”
Ms Jenny turned around. “Oh, I must have forgotten, gentlemen, but you’re not coming with me to the reception.” “What?” The two captains were as confused as a Baptist pastor inside of a liquor store. “I have made other arrangements for the two of you”, Ms Jenny told them with a face cold as a West Virginia mine. “We don’t appreciate surprises”, the captains shot back. “We are American presidents and we make the calls around here!”

Ms Jenny could not but laugh. “Gentlemen, can you see the flag over there?” They had a look at it and then at Ms Jenny. “So?” they acted like two twin toddlers. “Is it American?” Ms Jenny inquired. “No, but…”, before they could finish the sentence an Amazone appeared and grabbed the two opinionated men and hauled them away.
“Don’t be scared, just be good boys now and everything will be okay”, Miss Jenny said in a not so convincing tone.

"Sorry, Empress, but this is the best we can get you at the moment."

Ruby's coma was disturbed by the sound of Eagle Three waking her up to a hot steak with chips.

"You're not an animal rights activist, are you?" Eagle Two asked worriedly, still suffering anxiety from Ruby's reaction to his first pizza.

The cave was dank and musty and the company was poor, but the hot steak and chips tasted almost as good as one of her pizzas.

"Perhaps I will grant these ruffians a pardon after all, when I am fully recovered," E Ruby thought to herself.

"Sorry again ma'am", Eagle One interrupted her thoughts, "But it's time for your medicine. I know it's not very nice, but it will help you recover faster. And then those vultures at the hospital won't be so hasty to take your organs, will they?" Eagle One winked, then gave a broad smile to the weakened Empress. His smile revealed a golden tooth which seemed to wink its own greeting at the Empress, as if to say that Eagle One probably could be trusted, at least on this subject.

Although still dressed in a hospital gown that was put on wrongly, and without her watermelon lip gloss or lush mascara, and although her hair was in a state that would make even Baba Yaga come second last in a beauty pageant, the steak had given E Ruby renewed vigor, and the chips had strengthened her resolve. She swallowed the foul tasting medicine, which happened to be an all-natural concoction of herbs and spices developed over centuries by the wisest of Mosestarian wise men, and wasn't actually as foul tasting as she remembered from the first time.

Eagle Two handed Ruby a brush, and Eagle Three gave her some ruby-red lipstick he'd happened to appropriate from one of the local stores during an earlier adventure. E Ruby wasn't sure whether Eagle Three had taken the lipstick in advance for her, whether he was some sort of kleptomaniac who stole anything not bolted down, or whether he had a secret personal use for the makeup which no one else was aware of. Either way, it was her favourite flavour - watermelon.

Although not keen to have the three clones about while she prepared her lips and hair, the fact that the cave was dark made preparations somewhat easier. Eagle One went about cutting the tubes to the hospital equipment she had been connected to. As the group wheeled Ruby back to the van, she felt quite alive to be unattached to all the tubes and beeping hospital equipment that had been her only companions the past several days.

Meanwhile, back at the Mosestarian Antarctic fortress, the Chieftain turned on the International Spy Vision set to see what else was going on in the world.